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Thread: Terrible break-up and really in need of some support

  1. #1

    Terrible break-up and really in need of some support

    So I was briefly seeing a guy I totally fell head over heels for. And when I say brief, it was brief, like a month. Things went from 0-100 pretty quickly with us. He would drop little hints about us getting serious such as saying 'If we live together...' etc. or referring to us as being 'together'. People would refer to us as boyfriend and girlfriend and he never corrected them. It was one of those grey areas. He's a European immigrant who moved here and overstayed his visa about 4 years. He's been married 4 separate times to try and procure a green card but it was never successful. On our second (really, second) date he announces he's getting married, next week, to a friend of his for his green card. I felt uncomfortable about it but it's his life and he's gotta do whatever he's gotta do right. Well, about two weeks into our 'relationship' he's married to his friend and he, in a very excited state, tells me he wants to find another couple for us to play around with. I'm ok with this, with VERY strict rules. Other couples are fine, or a group of friends, whatever, but I feel uncomfortable about sharing my new partner outside of that set up. When I was much younger, my best friend swooped the guy I was seeing when we were engaged in a similar scenario and it really broke my heart. Not so much losing the guy, but having a friend I really loved and trusted do something like that to me. This girl was my very best friend. We lived together three times, I paid for her brother funeral, paid her rent occasionally, and helped pay for her father's funeral.

    The night I go to pick him up he says 'plans have changed'. He gets in the car and we start driving. Apparently the other couple backed out but put him in touch with some random girl. I say no, about a dozen times, and he continues to sweet talk me into it. I'm scared and already can tell this is a bad idea. I keep saying no over and over but he just keeps pushing me to do it telling me it's ok and that I can trust him. Well, the threesome happens and I hate it. At some point I leave while they're messing around to go cry and smoke outside. We go back to my house where he reassures me he'll never communicate with her again and tries to soothe me, but deep down I feel bad. A couple days later, they add eachother on IG and I instantly get upset. He promises he will not flirt with her or do anything untoward. I let it go, because he's repeatedly told me I could trust him. That weekend, we go on a small day trip to work on his car. He gets drunks and repeatedly tells me how I'm his 'girlfriend' and starts saying really heavy emotional things. I feel so happy that I couldn't even express myself in the moment.

    We spend the next two days together. He cooks for me, we hang out at home, we take 'our' dog to the park and just generally feel like a secure couple. The next morning, after making him coffee, he admits he got a little carried away when he was drunk and I feel like I wanna crawl inside a hole and hide. He pushes me to talk about it over text and I tell him to let it be as I can get overly emotional and that's not attractive, but he pushes and I admit that it upsets me. 'I didn't take it back' he insists. He just keeps reminding me we need more time, which is true.

    Then, later on in the day, the tone changes, literally out of nowhere. He's curt and terse and doesn't want to talk. Something's wrong and I can't get it out of him. I couldn't sleep that night, feeling something was very wrong. The next day, he posts a photo on facebook--it's him in the lobby of the girl's apartment. I recognized it right off the bat. It hits me like a ton of bricks: he went back to see her. Enraged, I confront him at work and ask to speak to him. He comes outside to talk to me and instantly tries to lie, saying it's not her place. Eventually, he caves, saying he had decided that we're not gonna work out and he can do whatever he wants. I'm devastated. I have very few vulnerable places left in me and this is one of them. I feel strangely violated. He tells me to leave him alone and go home. Later that night he insists he doesn't know what he wants and how a part of him doesn't want to lose me. I'm in full breakdown mode and eating pills like I don't want to wake up; at this point I did not. Then he tells me it's over. I wake up the next day and he says 'You should've given it more time, we could've maybe worked things out'. I repeat the process and am comatose for about 48 hours. When I come to, we speak again, but it's going nowhere. He begins to mock my crying and tells me next time I should just shoot myself instead. My sadness turns to full on rage. And I mean rage. I inform him I'm tipping off ICE about his sham marriage and he begins to call me every name in the book. Telling me what a piece of I am, how he will tell everyone what a c*nt I am, etc. AND THEN--to add, insult to injury, he has the OTHER GIRL call me to tell me what a sociopath I am for doing such a thing. I have now become completely unglued. I call him about 200 times (I dunno, guessing here) over the course of the next two weeks. I dunno why or what I'm seeking by talking to him--I'm angry, I'm not ok, I'm having a nervous breakdown, I'm all over the place. I'm not proud of this, or to be that girl, but it was like something just flipped in my brain. At this point, I'm a wreck. I'm suicidal, I'm at a weird crossroads of empathy and rage, and I feel taken advantage of. I later learn he had told her how we were 'just friends' and he even reaches out to one of my own friends to explain how he's not an and he had always been honest that things were not going to work between us.

    Now, it's done. He's been reported both to ICE and USCIS for marriage fraud. I don't know if ICE will respond. Probably not. He has blocked me across the board and told me he doesn't care about me, miss me, and we were never together. I am still, very much, in the middle of nervous breakdown city. Part of me is so very heartbroken, part of me is just filled with incredible rage. As a survivor of assault, I can say that it feels, almost, in the same family. I was pushed into something I DID NOT want to do because I loved someone, they betrayed that trust and essential just discarded me. I have since gone on a disability leave from my job because I am so distressed I can barely function. As far as I know, he and the other girl remain in contact (at least) and while I feel guilt for reporting him, I feel so betrayed that that feelings almost cancels it out.

    Had to get it off my chest.I feel like I'm going to need therapy forever after this one. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. A lot happened in 4 weeks time. Take care of your health and forget about this scammer.
    Originally Posted by Noondayd83
    And when I say brief, it was brief, like a month.
    He's been married 4 separate times to try and procure a green card but it was never successful.

    On our second date he announces he's getting married, next week, to a friend of his for his green card

    the threesome happens and I hate it.

    I'm a wreck. I'm suicidal, I'm at a weird crossroads of empathy and rage, and I feel taken advantage of.

    He's been reported both to ICE and USCIS for marriage fraud.

    I am still, very much, in the middle of nervous breakdown city.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd go through (alone or in therapy) why this is triggering empathy and guilt in you.

    He used you, lied to you, coerced you, cheated on you, verbally and emotionally abused you and is at odds with the law. Do you usually seek troubled individuals to help or associate with? We all make questionable decisions here and there but I agree that you need to take better care of yourself.

  4. #4

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    Well this is a very difficult situation for you. Usually being betrayed does not eliminate the positive feelings you had. i guess i feel guilty because you might not be the type for revenge? your actions are absolutely understandable and also (!) you were not wrong. Our society holds the ideal to stay out of every trouble. He appears to be strong on machiavelism, so in MY opinion it is not the worst thing to report him. it is gray area, true, but not 100% bad.

    Try to process what happend. you need to feel all the negative emotions that go through you. This is not totally different from any other breakup. i think it was freud who said, said betrayal by a loved one is one of the worst experiences and loosing someone you love (no matter if it's love or LOVE) leaves a void that can only be filled one way.
    So give yourself some credit. if you feel the need for professional help do that. but also try to have faith that things will get better.
    And meanwhile listen to george michael :)

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  6. #5
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    Please donít date anyone until after youíve recovered from this and have regained your emotional stability. Youíre in a very fragile place and men like this can sense it a mile off and take full advantage of you.

    This guy was bad news from the very beginning. Your desire to be loved significantly clouded your vision, and had you chasing after something that was always doomed. See if you can find a good therapist in your area who can help guide you to a better place and a healthier understanding of love and self-worth.

  7. #6
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    It was a terrible breakup because he's a terrible person. There's really no other way it could have ended. Therapy can help you discover why you made such a poor choice in a dating partner and help you to make better choices for yourself in the future and not settle for bad people and situations.

  8. #7
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    Look I don't mean to be awful because I know how much you're hurting. But it may be worth to get therapy and talk about all this. I'm sorry but I think you have a lot of issues of your own you need to work through. This guy sounded awful from the get go. I understand he's desperate to stay in the country but you can also see he's a scammer and complete user. This was his fifth scam marriage and he just using those women for a selfish gain. Huge red flag number one.

    Huge red flag number two is he doesn't understand what sexual consent and the word "no" actually mean. You told him many times very clearly you didn't want to have a threesome with that woman. He didn't care at all what you were saying and kept forcing you.

    Huge red flag three is all the rest of his abhorrent behaviour.

    The reason why I'm saying you need to work on your issues is because in just a month you apparently fall head over heels for this piece of scum? And you totally ignore all the massive red flags. Then you proceed to call him 200 times and get hysterical. Really you shouldn't have been dating this person at all! He sounded terrible from the start!


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