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Thread: Struggling since girlfriend told me of her sex tape

  1. #1
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    Struggling since girlfriend told me of her sex tape

    My gf and I were drinking the other week and got taking about sex and our sexual pasts. Physically we’ve got a great relationship, neither of us get too jealous and we’re fully committed to each other so this usually causes no issues. My “number” is a little higher than hers but by and large we’ve not been too crazy.

    At the weekend she surprised me when she revealed that 10 years ago aged 21, she had a fling with a guy and they made a sex tape. She has felt ashamed and disgusted by this ever since.

    I let her know that to me it’s neither disgusting nor shameful, just something people experimenting with sex often do, but she said it was the biggest regret of her life.

    Her shame comes from a few places. Retrospectively she finds the guy involved quite repulsive and he seemed a bit of a sex pest toward her. She had a strict catholic upbringing so hasn’t been given the most liberal views on sex. She wasn’t fully onboard with the idea, yet wasn’t fully NOT onboard with it either and she feels she let herself down. Perhaps worst of all, she has no idea if, or where it still exists.


    I thought I was ok with the whole thing, but as the days go on it’s constantly on my mind. I hate how she’s felt disgusted with herself all her adult life for something like this, but that’s not the worst thing.

    I have visions of the scene in my mind constantly and with that comes a much-unwanted erection. I feel so guilty, as if I’m getting off on her regret.

    It’s made even worse as she went into a few details of how it played out. I know she was naked except high heels during it, which causes more conflicting thoughts. Heels have always been a turn-on for me yet her and I have never used them in bed. I now feel this horrific urge to know more. Were the heels her idea? Did she enjoy it at the time and regret it later? What positions did they do? Trivial stuff that doesn’t matterto out relationship 10 years on, but runs through my mind.

    We have such a great life together but I need to stop obsessing over this. I feel so guilty for it when she hates the memory of it so much.
    Last edited by Horridhenry; 11-08-2019 at 11:04 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating. Yeah, playing drunken truth-or-dare-sexual-past games can backfire like this. It was 10 years ago when she was young and silly. Just reassure her that it's in the past and over and oh well we all have done silly things.

    Stop belaboring this and better...stop the sexual history show-and-tell games. Watch porn rather than use this image as fodder. Unless that was the purpose of these drinking games?
    Originally Posted by Horridhenry
    My gf and I were drinking the other week and got taking about sex and our sexual pasts. 10 years ago aged 21, she had a fling with a guy and they made a sex tape.
    I thought I was ok with the whole thing, but as the days go on it’s constantly on my mind. I have visions of the scene in my mind constantly and with that comes a much-unwanted erection.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    How long have you been dating. Yeah, playing drunken truth-or-dare-sexual-past games can backfire like this. It was 10 years ago when she was young and silly. Just reassure her that it's in the past and over and oh well we all have done silly things.

    Stop belaboring this and better...stop the sexual history show-and-tell games. Watch porn rather than use this image as fodder. Unless that was the purpose of these drinking games?
    We’ve been together a year and a half.

    I reassured her and she’s been ok the past couple of days. It’s me who can’t get the image of her out of my head, especially as sje was wearing something I’ve always thought would be super hot in bed.

    Such conflicting thoughts but yes, will never go down the sexual past route again!

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    Dude, it's been TEN yeats! Move on from this! Damn!

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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Dude, it's been TEN years! Move on from this! Damn!
    I only found out a few days ago. I don’t view it as a threat to our relationship or anything. But things that prey on my mind include...

    - her having had a kinkier sex relationship
    - the high heels - a huge turn-on for me but she’s never worn them in bed
    - the knowledge that the video is out there

    I feel weird about it all and I thought I was cool with it. Clearly I’m not and I’m worried it will change the way I feel about someone I love very much.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Look outside of it at the rest of your relationship. In a nutshell, this means put things in perspective. How do you do that? You do that together by being more objective about your relationship and being more present in it and focused on your future together. Open up that scope and perspective and don't drown in erroneous details. Be more careful in future not to overshare with each other. Details like what a partner was wearing during a time with others is unnecessary. If you feel she's still naive about this sort of thing, keep reminding each other that those details are not necessary. Be patient with each other and grow together. Don't be afraid to draw that hard line and simply say enough is enough.

    If she's continuing to feel insecure and upset with the way she's conducted herself previously, she needs to find peace through how you demonstrate your love for her and by finding faith in your relationship. You cannot fix her insecurities or her regret. The only thing you can do is be demonstrative in your love but be firm about putting the past where it belongs.

    She seems to be dealing with some deepseated issues regarding her religion and upbringing. She can either learn to let that fade as she redesigns and rebuilds her identity as an adult or she can choose to live in the past with all those hang ups and roadblocks that are inhibiting and haunting her. I hope you realize that she is not your project or lame duck to fix. She has to own up to those shortcomings and weak areas and grow past them personally on her own.

    You can stay sane and grounded as her partner by continuing on with your own life in healthy ways and progressively work towards your own future and a future together. You seem stagnant and stuck. Resist that and get out of that mud.

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    Why does it? She wasn't doing pornos? You are simply adding to her negativity on Poor judgment
    Have you done anything you are ashamed of ? I have.

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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Why does it? She wasn't doing pornos? You are simply adding to her negativity on Poor judgment
    Have you done anything you are ashamed of ? I have.
    I don’t know why it makes me feel weird! I’ve tried listing the reasons as best I can. It just does.

    The worst part is that objectively o think there is nothing wrong with it. I’m not sure if I feel inadequate or something because my sex life has been more vanilla or something.

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Look outside of it at the rest of your relationship. In a nutshell, this means put things in perspective. How do you do that? You do that together by being more objective about your relationship and being more present in it and focused on your future together. Open up that scope and perspective and don't drown in erroneous details. Be more careful in future not to overshare with each other. Details like what a partner was wearing during a time with others is unnecessary. If you feel she's still naive about this sort of thing, keep reminding each other that those details are not necessary. Be patient with each other and grow together. Don't be afraid to draw that hard line and simply say enough is enough.

    If she's continuing to feel insecure and upset with the way she's conducted herself previously, she needs to find peace through how you demonstrate your love for her and by finding faith in your relationship. You cannot fix her insecurities or her regret. The only thing you can do is be demonstrative in your love but be firm about putting the past where it belongs.

    She seems to be dealing with some deepseated issues regarding her religion and upbringing. She can either learn to let that fade as she redesigns and rebuilds her identity as an adult or she can choose to live in the past with all those hang ups and roadblocks that are inhibiting and haunting her. I hope you realize that she is not your project or lame duck to fix. She has to own up to those shortcomings and weak areas and grow past them personally on her own.

    You can stay sane and grounded as her partner by continuing on with your own life in healthy ways and progressively work towards your own future and a future together. You seem stagnant and stuck. Resist that and get out of that mud.
    I think this is maybe over-egging it a little. She doesn’t have deep-seated religious issues and has lived a normal life for a woman her age, I just think given her upbringing a homemade kinky sex video was too far for her.

    We live together, have sex every other day and she’s not exactly inhibited about it. She’s made plenty of mistakes like us all but according to her, this video is her one big regret.

    It doesn’t really affect her life but gets to her when she looks back on it.

    And just to add, it seems I’ve given the impression I’ve been agonising over this for years. I only found out 5 days ago.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Are you maybe jealous it wasnt you who was in that video with her and her high heels?

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