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Struggling since girlfriend told me of her sex tape


Horridhenry

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Why resist it? As DF said, why not do what you want to do, rather than spin around in your head about what others have done before you? It's kind of the difference between being driven by shame and being driven by curiosity.

 

Replace "high heels" with "Malaysian food," meaning you learned that she once ate at this Malaysian joint with a long ago ex. Oh, you think, I've always wanted to try Malaysian. And so, together, you try some Malaysian food, demystifying it through deliciousness.

 

Sex is no different, really, unless we half-hate ourselves for wanting to have sex in various ways. Key is to spend more time doing it than talking about it, much like eating. You don't get nourished, nor do you expand your appetite, by hearing what someone ate for lunch in 2009. In fact, you just get hungrier.

 

I’ve mentioned the heels to her before and she was cool with doing it. The urge to do it has gotten much stronger now since her story though. Also have a bit of a concern it will bring back bad memories - she described the sex and the whole experience that night as horrible.

 

Love the food analogy, it really makes sense and shows how dumb my worries are. I can’t help it though!

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I can’t help it though!

 

You actually can, is the thing. You can't help whatever you feel at any given second, but you can choose how you label those feelings. If you label them "bad," they turn into a boogey man. Label them "human," and something else happens.

 

Children are scared of the dark. They adjust to it, with a nightlight, which helps them be calm and patient. Then they stop needing a nightlight. The dark didn't change shape, but their perception of it did. It just became darkness, not a black hole of fear and anxiety.

 

Right now you are labeling the urge "bad," along with what you've learned about her, since she labels it as such. Try labeling it all "human," and see what happens, being open and curious about whatever might happen, since there are actually no "bad" outcomes.

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I’ve mentioned the heels to her before and she was cool with doing it. The urge to do it has gotten much stronger now since her story though. Also have a bit of a concern it will bring back bad memories - she described the sex and the whole experience that night as horrible.

 

Love the food analogy, it really makes sense and shows how dumb my worries are. I can’t help it though!

 

If you are going to muck the bed up at least do it with food not shoes. It's more tasty.

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You actually can, is the thing. You can't help whatever you feel at any given second, but you can choose how you label those feelings. If you label them "bad," they turn into a boogey man. Label them "human," and something else happens.

 

Children are scared of the dark. They adjust to it, with a nightlight, which helps them be calm and patient. Then they stop needing a nightlight. The dark didn't change shape, but their perception of it did. It just became darkness, not a black hole of fear and anxiety.

 

Right now you are labeling the urge "bad," along with what you've learned about her, since she labels it as such. Try labeling it all "human," and see what happens, being open and curious about whatever might happen, since there are actually no "bad" outcomes.

 

Great advice.... OP just take some time to process your feelings around it. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling, just go with it and don't project it onto your GF... the feelings will pass eventually.

 

She is still the same person she was before she told you.

 

And if you want her to wear heels in bed, ask her to wear heels in bed... that is SUCH a common turn on, as is fantasizing about her having sex with someone else, or you having sex with someone else. Just be respectful about it.

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And if you want her to wear heels in bed, ask her to wear heels in bed... that is SUCH a common turn on, as is fantasizing about her having sex with someone else, or you having sex with someone else. Just be respectful about it.

 

I agree with this. Just ask her to do it..that's not an uncommon turnon. Hell, I've asked my fiancée about that and she's been up for it. It was a little awkward on my part, but finding that she was perfectly willing to indulge one of my kinks was such a validating feeling.

 

Perhaps the sex that you and her have can wash away the bad memories she associates with that night as well.

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You guys are in your 30's and you still focus on numbers and sexual experience??? Just my opinion, people will down play their experience to spare feelings of their partner. At the time she possibly was into it...like she's going to tell you that. And to save face, say she regrets it and maybe she does a little. Ok whatever we all have done things we regret, my god it was 10 years ago. It was just a conversation, move forward. In your drunken state you two should have been exchanging sexual fantasies instead...keep that in mind for next time. AND I doubt very highly she's going to have an issue with you requesting her to throw on some kink (lingerie heels etc). She would be doing it for you because she loves you and wants to share the experience. Put the past behind you.

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You guys are in your 30's and you still focus on numbers and sexual experience??? Just my opinion, people will down play their experience to spare feelings of their partner. At the time she possibly was into it...like she's going to tell you that. And to save face, say she regrets it and maybe she does a little. Ok whatever we all have done things we regret, my god it was 10 years ago. It was just a conversation, move forward. In your drunken state you two should have been exchanging sexual fantasies instead...keep that in mind for next time. AND I doubt very highly she's going to have an issue with you requesting her to throw on some kink (lingerie heels etc). She would be doing it for you because she loves you and wants to share the experience. Put the past behind you.

 

She brought it up as a traumatic experience that had haunted her and cried when she told me so I think she actually does regret it.

 

She cited it as a reason as to why she likes sex to be loving and vanilla.

 

And we don’t focus on it, it’s come up a couple of times recently but never before.

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I agree with this. Just ask her to do it..that's not an uncommon turnon. Hell, I've asked my fiancée about that and she's been up for it. It was a little awkward on my part, but finding that she was perfectly willing to indulge one of my kinks was such a validating feeling.

 

Perhaps the sex that you and her have can wash away the bad memories she associates with that night as well.

 

I asked before and she said yes so it’s all on the cards. The heels she wears these days are a bit classier and less sexy than what she wore in the video but no use worrying over that.

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She brought it up as a traumatic experience that had haunted her and cried when she told me so I think she actually does regret it.

 

She cited it as a reason as to why she likes sex to be loving and vanilla.

 

And we don’t focus on it, it’s come up a couple of times recently but never before.

 

If this is so, then don't sweep it under the rug. This is vital to the future of your relationship. Either she seeks therapy for it or you help her to work through it. I'm not saying she should be OK with swinging from a trapeze or anything like that, but just to deal with the guilt and regret part. There's a reason why it has come up....I think she just wants to release it once and for all, and be at peace with it.

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Went out for dinner last night and cleared the air on this.

 

Traumatic is maybe a harsh word. She’s had a few days to process me knowing it and said last night that is something she thinks is gross, it happened with a guy she’s long viewed as gross and she wishes it hadn’t happened, but it’s not something that affects her life.

 

The day she explained how it came about also made it sound less of a big deal somehow. Still not something I want to think about, but less significant.

 

I thought she looked the hottest I’ve seen her and she had sneakers on, so my shoe-based desire calmed down too.

 

Had a very romantic night and very romantic sex. Hopefully my head can clear now and I can put a weird week behind me.

 

Thanks for all the responses!

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Went out for dinner last night and cleared the air on this.

 

Traumatic is maybe a harsh word. She’s had a few days to process me knowing it and said last night that is something she thinks is gross, it happened with a guy she’s long viewed as gross and she wishes it hadn’t happened, but it’s not something that affects her life.

 

The day she explained how it came about also made it sound less of a big deal somehow. Still not something I want to think about, but less significant.

 

I thought she looked the hottest I’ve seen her and she had sneakers on, so my shoe-based desire calmed down too.

 

Had a very romantic night and very romantic sex. Hopefully my head can clear now and I can put a weird week behind me.

 

Thanks for all the responses!

 

*way she explained it, not day

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She brought it up as a traumatic experience that had haunted her and cried when she told me so I think she actually does regret it.

 

She cited it as a reason as to why she likes sex to be loving and vanilla.

 

And we don’t focus on it, it’s come up a couple of times recently but never before.

 

She was drinking when she cried telling you.

She regrets it but it doesn’t affect her that much , what affects her is the prospect that you might be offended by it.

 

I bet it’s a big relief to her having told you.

 

She experimented with a bit of mild kink 10 years ago! So what!?

 

Bear in mind that she has told you she prefers vanilla and loving so I wouldn’t be pressuring her to reenact something she regretted.

At least not anytime soon.

 

Maybe in 6 months if you come back from a night where she is wearing heels you could ask her to leave them on.

If she doesn’t want to , accept that.

 

There is no point discussing this further with her. It’s out , she is relieved, get on with being a great couple that you have been before this revelation.

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She was drinking when she cried telling you.

She regrets it but it doesn’t affect her that much , what affects her is the prospect that you might be offended by it.

 

I bet it’s a big relief to her having told you.

 

She experimented with a bit of mild kink 10 years ago! So what!?

 

Bear in mind that she has told you she prefers vanilla and loving so I wouldn’t be pressuring her to reenact something she regretted.

At least not anytime soon.

 

Maybe in 6 months if you come back from a night where she is wearing heels you could ask her to leave them on.

If she doesn’t want to , accept that.

 

There is no point discussing this further with her. It’s out , she is relieved, get on with being a great couple that you have been before this revelation.

 

I’d actually mentioned the high heels thing to her a while back. She said she was cool with it and she knows that men find them hot so didn’t think it was weird. I got the feeling she’d balk a bit at wearing them specifically for sex but she’ll be happy to keep them on one night (though she rarely wears them now - she only really did for going out clubbing when she was younger.)

 

I mentioned it again last night to say that I’m happy to put my heels thing to one side as it might bring back a bad memory. She said the context in which we have sex is entirely different, so she doesn’t associate heels with that night

 

Think it’s all resolved now. One thing I certainly won’t be asking is to make our own video!

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Ya I think she just wanted to release it, and now she's done that she's feeling much better about it. Sometimes it just takes a confession to make things all better. You know getting something off yer chest, can be a good remedy.

 

Yeah she seemed oddly relieved. She’d only told one person before, a friend who didn’t take it well. I think it helped for me to reassure her she wasn’t seedy or amoral and also that the odds of it ever surfacing are now tiny.

 

It made me look at myself a bit more objectively too. My own past is quite grubby and nothing to be proud of - loads of one-night stands, buddies, ghosting and cheating in my early 20s. Thinking even a tiny bit less of her for one kinky night is out of line.

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Yeah she seemed oddly relieved. She’d only told one person before, a friend who didn’t take it well. I think it helped for me to reassure her she wasn’t seedy or amoral and also that the odds of it ever surfacing are now tiny.

 

It made me look at myself a bit more objectively too. My own past is quite grubby and nothing to be proud of - loads of one-night stands, buddies, ghosting and cheating in my early 20s. Thinking even a tiny bit less of her for one kinky night is out of line.

 

Sounds like good moment for you both—maybe a needed step toward letting go of some guilt and self-judgement about whatever you each did in your 20s so you can continue to connect in a more mature way in your 30s. Everything you're talking about, from a sex tape to some random flings, are nothing to feel you need to keep atoning for or feel particularly "grubby" about. Just moments in time, pretty universal in the scheme of things—and, hey, all things that eventually led to you two meeting.

 

That's how I like to look at it, at least. No point hating where we've been if we like where we are, as those two things are connected.

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Sounds like good moment for you both—maybe a needed step toward letting go of some guilt and self-judgement about whatever you each did in your 20s so you can continue to connect in a more mature way in your 30s. Everything you're talking about, from a sex tape to some random flings, are nothing to feel you need to keep atoning for or feel particularly "grubby" about. Just moments in time, pretty universal in the scheme of things—and, hey, all things that eventually led to you two meeting.

 

That's how I like to look at it, at least. No point hating where we've been if we like where we are, as those two things are connected.

 

Love that last sentence. A good mantra to live by.

 

Last nights chat also made me self-reflect a little on my tendency to exaggerate things inside my own head, which I need to take a look at and work on stopping.

 

In my head, I’d made this out to be basically a porno shoot and a massive turn-on for her. She got dressed up in heels and underwear specifically and put on a show for the camera and her boyfriend.

 

Her take however, was that they got in drunk and started fooling around. He asked if she’d keep her shoes on. She said ok. He asked if he could film it. She said ok. Far more mundane than the story in my head.

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It's a mantra that works for me.

 

All that storytelling is natural, if also something to be aware of and reflect on here and there. Typically it's associated with something we might be a little insecure or guilty about in our own lives—with sex, for many people, kind of ground zero for all that. Grab a book of Freud's, turn to a random page, and that's basically the gist.

 

If you're an adult, the general outline of everyone you meet is going to be roughly the same on this front: they've had incredible sex, they've had mediocre sex—sometimes with the same people, sometimes not. They've probably made some regrettable choices, and some choices that seemed dubious but turned out to be a lot of fun. They've had sex with however many people they've had sex with before having sex with you, and none of those choices were made to impress, soothe, or frighten you.

 

It's really only as mysterious as you want to make it, in short. The more comfortable you get with yourself—your body, where its been, what it needs to be sated—the less you'll really care about the Wikipedia page of someone else's history. Sure, some people can enjoy a little fetish around all that—and, hey, all the power to them.

 

But this all sounds a bit like some post-adolescent residue you're both just shaking off a bit as you come further into yourselves as individuals, with and alongside each other. And that's an awesome journey, because that's growth. Enjoy it, together, without getting all hung up on the details, and the good road you two have been on will just keep getting better.

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Had a little wobble in my head on this one again. I didn’t speak to her or let it cause an issue, but it came back.

 

The unwanted turn on aspect has pretty much died down, however the thought that somewhere out there, possibly even online is a visual record of my gf having sexual with someone else is now popping in.

 

It’s also given me a sort of unhealthy determination to have sex with her in high heels, which is childish. Before this came out I thought heels were hot but didn’t felll I NEEDED to have sex with her in them so to speak, but now it feels like it’s something I have to do to level the playing field.

 

It got to the extent last night that she was buying shoes online for an upcoming party and I actually felt internally annoyed at her considering a lower heel option in case he’d feet hurt. It made me feel things like “she got hot ones for HIM, why not me?” Obviously I didn’t say anything.

 

So childish, so pointless but I struggle to control my thoughts.

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It sounds like two separate issues. One, she confessed she made a tape and felt bad and Two your high heel fetish. Treat them as such. Forget about the tape and talk to her about how much you like her in high heels.

It got to the extent last night that she was buying shoes online for an upcoming party and I actually felt internally annoyed at her considering a lower heel option in case he’d feet hurt. It made me feel things like “she got hot ones for HIM, why not me?” Obviously I didn’t say anything.

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It sounds like two separate issues. One, she confessed she made a tape and felt bad and Two your high heel fetish. Treat them as such. Forget about the tape and talk to her about how much you like her in high heels.

 

Yeah I know - the annoying thing is that it wasn’t even a big deal before. I liked the thought of her in heels but wasn’t desperate to do it or anything. Truth be told it’s happened with exes and usually turned out less sexy than expected.

 

I don’t think it’s specifically the tape now, more that I know the heels thing happened and feel I have to push for it, despite my own better judgement. I don’t think she cares that much about them and think she only did it before because she was asked.

 

No idea where this all came from!

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Another thing to add here if anyone can help.

 

A peculiar feeling from this has been a slight sense of emasculation. It’s not huge, but it doesn’t make sense.

 

It’s not as if I’ve been cuckolded here. I have sex with this girl multiple times a week, she is crazy about me and me about her. Her reactions and comments to what I do plus her desire to do them tell me she loves that aspect of our relationship. She knows her body, knows her desires and I have not the slightest doubt she’s happier sexually than she was in 2009 when she made the tape.

 

There is nothing in what she told me that reflects on me.

 

Any ideas? One weird thing that’s popped in is the timing (summer 2009). I was 2 years into a 10 year relationship and it was right about then that my own sex life fell into a dead bedroom scenario. Don’t ask why I stuck around!

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