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Struggling since girlfriend told me of her sex tape


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My gf and I were drinking the other week and got taking about sex and our sexual pasts. Physically we’ve got a great relationship, neither of us get too jealous and we’re fully committed to each other so this usually causes no issues. My “number” is a little higher than hers but by and large we’ve not been too crazy.

 

At the weekend she surprised me when she revealed that 10 years ago aged 21, she had a fling with a guy and they made a sex tape. She has felt ashamed and disgusted by this ever since.

 

I let her know that to me it’s neither disgusting nor shameful, just something people experimenting with sex often do, but she said it was the biggest regret of her life.

 

Her shame comes from a few places. Retrospectively she finds the guy involved quite repulsive and he seemed a bit of a sex pest toward her. She had a strict catholic upbringing so hasn’t been given the most liberal views on sex. She wasn’t fully onboard with the idea, yet wasn’t fully NOT onboard with it either and she feels she let herself down. Perhaps worst of all, she has no idea if, or where it still exists.

 

 

I thought I was ok with the whole thing, but as the days go on it’s constantly on my mind. I hate how she’s felt disgusted with herself all her adult life for something like this, but that’s not the worst thing.

 

I have visions of the scene in my mind constantly and with that comes a much-unwanted erection. I feel so guilty, as if I’m getting off on her regret.

 

It’s made even worse as she went into a few details of how it played out. I know she was naked except high heels during it, which causes more conflicting thoughts. Heels have always been a turn-on for me yet her and I have never used them in bed. I now feel this horrific urge to know more. Were the heels her idea? Did she enjoy it at the time and regret it later? What positions did they do? Trivial stuff that doesn’t matterto out relationship 10 years on, but runs through my mind.

 

We have such a great life together but I need to stop obsessing over this. I feel so guilty for it when she hates the memory of it so much.

Edited by Horridhenry
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How long have you been dating. Yeah, playing drunken truth-or-dare-sexual-past games can backfire like this. It was 10 years ago when she was young and silly. Just reassure her that it's in the past and over and oh well we all have done silly things.

 

Stop belaboring this and better...stop the sexual history show-and-tell games. Watch porn rather than use this image as fodder. Unless that was the purpose of these drinking games?

My gf and I were drinking the other week and got taking about sex and our sexual pasts. 10 years ago aged 21, she had a fling with a guy and they made a sex tape.

I thought I was ok with the whole thing, but as the days go on it’s constantly on my mind. I have visions of the scene in my mind constantly and with that comes a much-unwanted erection.

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How long have you been dating. Yeah, playing drunken truth-or-dare-sexual-past games can backfire like this. It was 10 years ago when she was young and silly. Just reassure her that it's in the past and over and oh well we all have done silly things.

 

Stop belaboring this and better...stop the sexual history show-and-tell games. Watch porn rather than use this image as fodder. Unless that was the purpose of these drinking games?

 

We’ve been together a year and a half.

 

I reassured her and she’s been ok the past couple of days. It’s me who can’t get the image of her out of my head, especially as sje was wearing something I’ve always thought would be super hot in bed.

 

Such conflicting thoughts but yes, will never go down the sexual past route again!

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Dude, it's been TEN years! Move on from this! Damn!

 

I only found out a few days ago. I don’t view it as a threat to our relationship or anything. But things that prey on my mind include...

 

- her having had a kinkier sex relationship

- the high heels - a huge turn-on for me but she’s never worn them in bed

- the knowledge that the video is out there

 

I feel weird about it all and I thought I was cool with it. Clearly I’m not and I’m worried it will change the way I feel about someone I love very much.

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Look outside of it at the rest of your relationship. In a nutshell, this means put things in perspective. How do you do that? You do that together by being more objective about your relationship and being more present in it and focused on your future together. Open up that scope and perspective and don't drown in erroneous details. Be more careful in future not to overshare with each other. Details like what a partner was wearing during a time with others is unnecessary. If you feel she's still naive about this sort of thing, keep reminding each other that those details are not necessary. Be patient with each other and grow together. Don't be afraid to draw that hard line and simply say enough is enough.

 

If she's continuing to feel insecure and upset with the way she's conducted herself previously, she needs to find peace through how you demonstrate your love for her and by finding faith in your relationship. You cannot fix her insecurities or her regret. The only thing you can do is be demonstrative in your love but be firm about putting the past where it belongs.

 

She seems to be dealing with some deepseated issues regarding her religion and upbringing. She can either learn to let that fade as she redesigns and rebuilds her identity as an adult or she can choose to live in the past with all those hang ups and roadblocks that are inhibiting and haunting her. I hope you realize that she is not your project or lame duck to fix. She has to own up to those shortcomings and weak areas and grow past them personally on her own.

 

You can stay sane and grounded as her partner by continuing on with your own life in healthy ways and progressively work towards your own future and a future together. You seem stagnant and stuck. Resist that and get out of that mud.

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Why does it? She wasn't doing pornos? You are simply adding to her negativity on Poor judgment

Have you done anything you are ashamed of ? I have.

 

I don’t know why it makes me feel weird! I’ve tried listing the reasons as best I can. It just does.

 

The worst part is that objectively o think there is nothing wrong with it. I’m not sure if I feel inadequate or something because my sex life has been more vanilla or something.

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Look outside of it at the rest of your relationship. In a nutshell, this means put things in perspective. How do you do that? You do that together by being more objective about your relationship and being more present in it and focused on your future together. Open up that scope and perspective and don't drown in erroneous details. Be more careful in future not to overshare with each other. Details like what a partner was wearing during a time with others is unnecessary. If you feel she's still naive about this sort of thing, keep reminding each other that those details are not necessary. Be patient with each other and grow together. Don't be afraid to draw that hard line and simply say enough is enough.

 

If she's continuing to feel insecure and upset with the way she's conducted herself previously, she needs to find peace through how you demonstrate your love for her and by finding faith in your relationship. You cannot fix her insecurities or her regret. The only thing you can do is be demonstrative in your love but be firm about putting the past where it belongs.

 

She seems to be dealing with some deepseated issues regarding her religion and upbringing. She can either learn to let that fade as she redesigns and rebuilds her identity as an adult or she can choose to live in the past with all those hang ups and roadblocks that are inhibiting and haunting her. I hope you realize that she is not your project or lame duck to fix. She has to own up to those shortcomings and weak areas and grow past them personally on her own.

 

You can stay sane and grounded as her partner by continuing on with your own life in healthy ways and progressively work towards your own future and a future together. You seem stagnant and stuck. Resist that and get out of that mud.

 

I think this is maybe over-egging it a little. She doesn’t have deep-seated religious issues and has lived a normal life for a woman her age, I just think given her upbringing a homemade kinky sex video was too far for her.

 

We live together, have sex every other day and she’s not exactly inhibited about it. She’s made plenty of mistakes like us all but according to her, this video is her one big regret.

 

It doesn’t really affect her life but gets to her when she looks back on it.

 

And just to add, it seems I’ve given the impression I’ve been agonising over this for years. I only found out 5 days ago.

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Are you saying that it affects you more than it does her? If that's the case, you're insecure. Let it go. From your re-evaluation, this has very little to do with her being remorseful as you mentioned in your first post.

 

The day after she told me she said it haunted her at least once a week since it happened. However she’s been ok since and I don’t know how big a deal it is. It think it’s more something that pops into her head and makes her cringe, rather than keeping her up all night.

 

I don’t know if I can let it go. Maybe I’m just jealous because high heels were involved, or because we’ll never do anything like she did that night.

 

I know it’s no threat to our relationship but it’s affecting me.

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Short answer: You've just got to ride this choppy little wave, owing that some immaturity and oversharing got the best of you, and trusting things will level off.

 

Longer answer: I get the sense that both of you still have a bit of adolescent edginess around sex. Prior to this awkward moment you'd exchanged "numbers," which to me—and this is just me—is kind of the stuff for dorm room confessionals, not 30something connections. All that is just infusing sex with more weight and meaning than it needs, to say nothing of a salt shake of shame, a bit the way younger people are with booze: it's "crazy" to go into a bar and order a beer when you're 21, even kind of "wrong," but just a thing you do at 30, and whether you've gone to 10 bars or 100 in those interim years doesn't really matter. Probably there were some nights when you drank too much, hopefully not too many. Shrug emoji.

 

Accept whatever you feel right now: a little jealous, a little aroused, a little curious, a little emasculated. That's all allowed. That will all pass. Recognizing feelings as they pass through you, without reacting too intensely, is kind of how you grow—and, alongside another, grow closer. Awkward moment for growth, for sure, but they don't call them growing pains for nothing. Hopefully you both get to a point, independent of each other, where that chapter doesn't induce a cringe. Life is both too short and too complex for something like this to be an emotional pebble in the shoe.

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You realize that you are spinning this huge fantasy in your head out of nothing driven completely by your own issues and insecurities.

 

If it's such a big thing for a woman to wear heels to bed, why not suggest that and have some fun instead stewing in your head about it? You know, play some fun dress up or whatever floats your boat, BUT keep it fun and about what you want and not sick competition with some guy from 10 years ago.

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Short answer: You've just got to ride this choppy little wave, owing that some immaturity and oversharing got the best of you, and trusting things will level off.

 

Longer answer: I get the sense that both of you still have a bit of adolescent edginess around sex. Prior to this awkward moment you'd exchanged "numbers," which to me—and this is just me—is kind of the stuff for dorm room confessionals, not 30something connections. All that is just infusing sex with more weight and meaning than it needs, to say nothing of a salt shake of shame, a bit the way younger people are with booze: it's "crazy" to go into a bar and order a beer when you're 21, even kind of "wrong," but just a thing you do at 30, and whether you've gone to 10 bars or 100 in those interim years doesn't really matter. Probably there were some nights when you drank too much, hopefully not too many. Shrug emoji.

 

Accept whatever you feel right now: a little jealous, a little aroused, a little curious, a little emasculated. That's all allowed. That will all pass. Recognizing feelings as they pass through you, without reacting too intensely, is kind of how you grow—and, alongside another, grow closer. Awkward moment for growth, for sure, but they don't call them growing pains for nothing. Hopefully you both get to a point, independent of each other, where that chapter doesn't induce a cringe. Life is both too short and too complex for something like this to be an emotional pebble in the shoe.

 

Thanks a lot, that’s what I needed to hear. You’re right about the juvenile views on sex. In the interim decade we were both stuck in relationships with crappy or non-existent sex so maybe that’s why we’re like that.

 

I’ll ride the choppiness and resist the temptation to ask her to wear heels in bed.

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Well this is a refreshing change from the usual ,* I can't get over her past* , you actually want to get off on her past ! .... I have met people in my life that have told me similar things ( not me , I am in the * no need to discuss the past* gang) men and women that the thought of their partner having/had sex with another turns them on..a lot .

 

You both need to put a filter on it though , stop the stories ...because this is what it does , someone always walks away obsessing . So don't be asking her anything else , don't let her tell anymore and so what , it turns you on ...just be turned on , there is no drama .

 

The whole high heel thing ...well all you need to do is break free from your vanilla routine and start playing and enjoying sex and all it has to offer , be it role play , dressing up or wearing nothing but a piercing .

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The day after she told me she said it haunted her at least once a week since it happened. However she’s been ok since and I don’t know how big a deal it is. It think it’s more something that pops into her head and makes her cringe, rather than keeping her up all night.

 

I don’t know if I can let it go. Maybe I’m just jealous because high heels were involved, or because we’ll never do anything like she did that night.

 

I know it’s no threat to our relationship but it’s affecting me.

 

We all feel jealousy. It's something that's human and it tells us that we're lacking in some areas and might like to or wish to do better. It may also indicate misgivings and regrets having to do with the past. Most often, it's about how much we think we are lacking as people.

 

The quicker you recognize that emotion within you the faster you will be at decoding and breaking down your own insecurities (processing them and improving yourself). There is no trick method or magical spell that waves away misgivings, insecurities and jealousy. You work from the ground up and take a very good look at the little holes that are causing you to feel hollow and tapped out.

 

You owe it to yourself to do that work because regardless of what it is or what triggers you it will continue to trigger you again and again, no matter what relationship you are in. Put it to rest and do the work on yourself. Never fight those emotions or that feeling of jealousy. It's a litmus test for where you are at and what you can do to improve.

 

I think you're also working with a fetish for high heels (nothing wrong with that) and this type of abstraction or sexually charged notion/idea has meaning. You've constructed a meaning for it and it does something for you that other things might not in the bedroom. Pay more attention to those constructs you've developed. I think this is a gateway for you in learning more and understanding what turns you on. Don't shy away from it! Open it up and be fearless in the way you view yourself. Don't feel ashamed or isolated. You're not alone.

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We all feel jealousy. It's something that's human and it tells us that we're lacking in some areas and might like to or wish to do better. It may also indicate misgivings and regrets having to do with the past. Most often, it's about how much we think we are lacking as people.

 

The quicker you recognize that emotion within you the faster you will be at decoding and breaking down your own insecurities (processing them and improving yourself). There is no trick method or magical spell that waves away misgivings, insecurities and jealousy. You work from the ground up and take a very good look at the little holes that are causing you to feel hollow and tapped out.

 

You owe it to yourself to do that work because regardless of what it is or what triggers you it will continue to trigger you again and again, no matter what relationship you are in. Put it to rest and do the work on yourself. Never fight those emotions or that feeling of jealousy. It's a litmus test for where you are at and what you can do to improve.

 

I think you're also working with a fetish for high heels (nothing wrong with that) and this type of abstraction or sexually charged notion/idea has meaning. You've constructed a meaning for it and it does something for you that other things might not in the bedroom. Pay more attention to those constructs you've developed. I think this is a gateway for you in learning more and understanding what turns you on. Don't shy away from it! Open it up and be fearless in the way you view yourself. Don't feel ashamed or isolated. You're not alone.

 

It’s not quite a fetish as I don’t need them to get excited, but yes it’s something that “does it” for me. Thanks for not judging!

 

Had it been hold ups, racy underwear or the like my reaction would have been similar, if more muted.

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I’ll ride the choppiness and resist the temptation to ask her to wear heels in bed.

 

Why resist it? As DF said, why not do what you want to do, rather than spin around in your head about what others have done before you? It's kind of the difference between being driven by shame and being driven by curiosity.

 

Replace "high heels" with "Malaysian food," meaning you learned that she once ate at this Malaysian joint with a long ago ex. Oh, you think, I've always wanted to try Malaysian. And so, together, you try some Malaysian food, demystifying it through deliciousness.

 

Sex is no different, really, unless we half-hate ourselves for wanting to have sex in various ways. Key is to spend more time doing it than talking about it, much like eating. You don't get nourished, nor do you expand your appetite, by hearing what someone ate for lunch in 2009. In fact, you just get hungrier.

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