Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 4 of 14 FirstFirst 1234567 ... LastLast
Results 31 to 40 of 132

Thread: Argument about contraception

  1. #31
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Location
    Central Europe
    Posts
    395
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Fire,

    This sounds like a lot of work. This guy has a boatload of stuff going on, and it does sound draining. I believe I read that you suffer from depression? If so, this is not good for you. He is quite unstable.
    I believe he is stable for now, but he has some stuff and I'm not tempted to plan future with him.

    I had a depressive state for years affecting my studies and work and since spring I've been finally free from the dark cloud and secure and hopeful about life. I don't feel able to date someone with active depression, but I've always been attracted to people with depressive streaks in personalities. All of my Tinder matches were with depressed people. I really wish to meet someone confident, radiant and happy in life who would be a good partner to me, but still someone with some compassion and understanding how it is to struggle with mental issues. Wonder when I'll attract someone like that for a change :) But I'm open to date people who have some issues (but not like suicidal) as long as it's makes me happier and not heavier.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,920
    Gender
    Female
    Your comment about the abortion is a bit of a mood killer, OP. I don't know what couple would want to get it on after something like that. I know you regretted it afterwards so it's all water under the bridge now. For a no-strings type of fwb or casual relationship, this sure got complicated fast. I don't blame him for freaking out a little. If you're really only interested in fwb and not baby making or interested in a family, don't make comments about potential pregnancies. I think you may be anxious or fearful about getting pregnant outside of a traditional or committed relationship. Neither of you are bad people. Both of you seem very aware and uncomfortable with the risks. Maybe the better thing to do would be to limit those risks altogether or simply handle it more discreetly (no off colour jokes, just sexy time).

  3. #33
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    325
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by firelily
    I had a depressive state for years affecting my studies and work and since spring I've been finally free from the dark cloud and secure and hopeful about life. I don't feel able to date someone with active depression, but I've always been attracted to people with depressive streaks in personalities. All of my Tinder matches were with depressed people.
    Why do you think that is?

    I am not going to presumptive here but are you possibly looking for validation and comfort, as opposed to a healthy partner who might make you feel self-conscious? From my observation, a lot of depressed people do not want solutions to their problems, but just somebody to give them a big hug and say, "there there, it's alright to feel the way you do, you are brave, the world sucks, I love you for who you are... etc etc" And the end result is that a lot of depressed people gravitate towards each other, and enable each other's continued depressive state.

    Anyway not saying that was what is going on here, it looks like you at least partly recognize that dating somebody with extensive mental health issues is not a good idea.

    We are the same age, I am also recovering from depression, which had a significant impact on my life in my 20s... Unfortunately depression is not something that is just magically cured, it is quite easy to relapse if you encounter various triggers again, so I would really suggest that you steer clear of other people with mental health issues, there is a significant risk that one or both of you could relapse and drag the other down with them.

    Finally just a quick point. You are 31, you still have time, but not a whole lot more, if you want to ever start a family. The fact that this guy is so paranoid of getting you pregnant is a red flag that he does not see a long term future with you. You do not want to waste years with this guy, maybe he moves on from his mental health issues... and then moves on from you because he no longer desires the compassion, forgiveness and comfort that you provide in his period of weakness.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,705
    Originally Posted by firelily
    I believe he is stable for now, but he has some stuff and I'm not tempted to plan future with him.

    I had a depressive state for years affecting my studies and work and since spring I've been finally free from the dark cloud and secure and hopeful about life. I don't feel able to date someone with active depression, but I've always been attracted to people with depressive streaks in personalities. All of my Tinder matches were with depressed people. I really wish to meet someone confident, radiant and happy in life who would be a good partner to me, but still someone with some compassion and understanding how it is to struggle with mental issues. Wonder when I'll attract someone like that for a change :) But I'm open to date people who have some issues (but not like suicidal) as long as it's makes me happier and not heavier.
    I am happy you are in a better place. Are you seeing a therapist, now?

    Sweetie, it is not who you attract, but who you choose. You are the common denominator. Have you considered what attracts you to this dynamic? My thought, is that you choose these people because they are safe- the relationship will not have longevity, because the other person is incapable of it. I think you should address your fears of allowing people in, then you will make healthier choices.

  5.  

  6. #35
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Location
    Central Europe
    Posts
    395
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Your comment about the abortion is a bit of a mood killer, OP. I don't know what couple would want to get it on after something like that. I know you regretted it afterwards so it's all water under the bridge now. For a no-strings type of fwb or casual relationship, this sure got complicated fast. I don't blame him for freaking out a little. If you're really only interested in fwb and not baby making or interested in a family, don't make comments about potential pregnancies. I think you may be anxious or fearful about getting pregnant outside of a traditional or committed relationship. Neither of you are bad people. Both of you seem very aware and uncomfortable with the risks. Maybe the better thing to do would be to limit those risks altogether or simply handle it more discreetly (no off colour jokes, just sexy time).
    Yeah, I realize this now, the worries should be more of my responsibility. I have no casual experience and in my past long term relationship we treated contraception and risk like our shared problem, so I was acting out of that habit, wanting to share the details of appointment as sharing risk and responsibilities together, just like I share every other daily worry with my current boyfriend. We're somewhere in between fwb and family-material-couple, but as we have different attitudes to responsibility, we should be more discreet about that type of worries probably.

    We have a peculiar sense of humour, sometimes we pour out some ridiculous jokes, and we have joked before that he'd want to make me pregnant just to make his dream come true about making an abortion, a joke inspired by some old comic strip about liberals. I didn't know in advance the joke I'm going to make will hit home this time :) But I know now it was bad in the context.

  7. #36
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Location
    Central Europe
    Posts
    395
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I am happy you are in a better place. Are you seeing a therapist, now?

    Sweetie, it is not who you attract, but who you choose. You are the common denominator. Have you considered what attracts you to this dynamic? My thought, is that you choose these people because they are safe- the relationship will not have longevity, because the other person is incapable of it. I think you should address your fears of allowing people in, then you will make healthier choices.
    Actually I feel I'd have longevity only with depressed people. Most of my life I've been misunderstood, a weird metal girl in black t-shirt at the back of the classroom. It's only after I reached other girls and guys with some life sadness and too much thinking, that I've been able to connect with someone, have deep and long lasting friendships and feel supported rather than judged. I still meet a lot of people I don't resonate with. Some people don't respect my ways. Some people would judge me harshly for being out of work due to not feeling well, some mock me for being absent-minded or spilling coffee every day. Most just don't understand the stuff I'm taking about, when I talk about what matters to me - some moving music or movies that make me think, my feels, reflections about life, the shade of the leaves. I felt most at home at culture studies where there were only freaks like me, and when I started studying part-time business psychology with some "successful managers", they always looked at me in a funny way and once openly asked if I'm retarded or something. I adapt now better to different people, but for friends I only choose people I can be myself with. It's always been the weirdos that had the home feeling for me. I'd just be perfect if I could build a good life with a weirdo who is happy with his life now and can share that happiness. I guess it's not common for weirdos to be happy early in life, and I wouldn't even know who to look for, having too few role models of happy and fulfilled weirdos to know how to spot them.

  8. #37
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Location
    Central Europe
    Posts
    395
    Gender
    Female
    I have CBT therapy somewhere in my plans... but there are always better things to do with 20% of my monthly salary, like paying for new studies, buying new clothes for my new amazing job, buying a computer, saving up for a driving license, saving up for a dog... It will happen one day

  9. #38
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Location
    Central Europe
    Posts
    395
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    Why do you think that is?

    I am not going to presumptive here but are you possibly looking for validation and comfort, as opposed to a healthy partner who might make you feel self-conscious? From my observation, a lot of depressed people do not want solutions to their problems, but just somebody to give them a big hug and say, "there there, it's alright to feel the way you do, you are brave, the world sucks, I love you for who you are... etc etc" And the end result is that a lot of depressed people gravitate towards each other, and enable each other's continued depressive state.

    Anyway not saying that was what is going on here, it looks like you at least partly recognize that dating somebody with extensive mental health issues is not a good idea.

    We are the same age, I am also recovering from depression, which had a significant impact on my life in my 20s... Unfortunately depression is not something that is just magically cured, it is quite easy to relapse if you encounter various triggers again, so I would really suggest that you steer clear of other people with mental health issues, there is a significant risk that one or both of you could relapse and drag the other down with them.

    Finally just a quick point. You are 31, you still have time, but not a whole lot more, if you want to ever start a family. The fact that this guy is so paranoid of getting you pregnant is a red flag that he does not see a long term future with you. You do not want to waste years with this guy, maybe he moves on from his mental health issues... and then moves on from you because he no longer desires the compassion, forgiveness and comfort that you provide in his period of weakness.
    Actually I'm not sure if I want family - I'm ok with it but I'm ok with not having it. I definitely wouldn't be comfortable dating someone who insisted they need to start a family soon to feel happy. I'm also more interested in adoption a bit later in life once I feel really ready to be a parent than natural birth which doesn't sound like a joy to me, but I'm open to changing my mind with the right person. Definitely no maternal instinct-clock is ticking type of person, and in future I can see myself happy in a childless marriage.

    With this guy I'm dating, it's mutual that at the moment we don't see it as something with long term potential due to how we feel about each other (more than friends, more than fwb, but less than life partners with future).

    I probably look for comfort as I'm used to take sole responsibility for seeking solutions to my problems. I definitely don't need someone like a sport coach to motivate me to get out of some rut - I don't respond well to patronizing and I'm ambitious enough to constantly seek improvement myself anyway. My dream relationship would include some comfort and some practical support in what I decide to work on. Like I don't need someone to nag me about making that driving licence since I'm motivated myself to do it eventually, but I could use someone who could borrow m his car for training on designated area and dedicate some time for me, help me to organize money for lessons once I asked for help in this area, etc. If a "successful" person dates a depressed person who's seem to them lazy, unsuccessful and unmotivated, they have a tendency to talk down to them and offer very rigid and narrow advice in terms of "oh you don't my solutions you just want pity", "of course it's more comfortable to you". They can offer 1 or 2 ideas which the depressed person already thought of but they were just not the answer in this situation, and get offended at person for not wanting their 1 or 2 advices which equals in their mind for not wanting advices at all. I'm writing this based on relationship with my dad and some other people in my life. So considering I'm a fighter for a better life anyway, it I had to choose between only compassion or only solutions, I'd pick compassion. But I feel most of my girl friends excel in this type of support, so I think I look for some lighter combo in a relationship with a man - someone who is my partner in life, facing problems together rather than dwelling on them too long, but with a lot of understanding and respect.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,865
    Gender
    Male
    Since this is casual dating it would be best to protect yourself in a way that you see fit. Contraception for birth control and condoms to prevent the risk of STDs. The 'what if I got pregnant' conversation should not even be happening with someone who you are not in a relationship with. It seems you are already at each other's throats with nasty sarcastic texts and retorts. Don't dish out what you can't take.


    Why bother with someone like this? "Like most guys...he said something mean?" Do you normally taunt people about getting pregnant? Why bother with that? It seems you haven't been choosing well in the past, so perhaps you're not ready to date. All of this is in your control. From who you date to protecting yourself to having the exclusive conversation etc. Next time you go to the doctor get tested for STDs. Consider ending it with this guy, you seem incompatible and antagonistic with each other.
    Originally Posted by firelily
    I'm dating someone casually. I'm ok with him using condoms as an additional method if that makes him feel more safe.

    I told my bf that on text about the visit, and I jokingly wrote that "I hope your dreams about abortion won't come true".He came to my place and got angry at me for writing that, that I shouldn't be joking about this. That maybe he didn't make himself clear about where he stands with the topic of unwanted pregnancy

    I didn't have energy to tell him that, I just started crying. Like most guys, he said something mean when I started crying.

  11. #40
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Location
    Central Europe
    Posts
    395
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Since this is casual dating it would be best to protect yourself in a way that you see fit. Contraception for birth control and condoms to prevent the risk of STDs. The 'what if I got pregnant' conversation should not even be happening with someone who you are not in a relationship with. It seems you are already at each other's throats with nasty sarcastic texts and retorts. Don't dish out what you can't take.


    Why bother with someone like this? "Like most guys...he said something mean?" Do you normally taunt people about getting pregnant? Why bother with that? It seems you haven't been choosing well in the past, so perhaps you're not ready to date. All of this is in your control. From who you date to protecting yourself to having the exclusive conversation etc. Next time you go to the doctor get tested for STDs. Consider ending it with this guy, you seem incompatible and antagonistic with each other.
    I think you might have misunderstood the dynamics. We're not at each other's throats, it was really a weird sense of humor. There was this comic strip about liberals in my country - that the right-wing people perceive them as lesbians who want to do in vitro procedure just to be able to abort later - because liberals are supposedly such fans of abortion and all these stuff. We're both liberals and he has been joking before that he's a fan of abortion and that it's a shame I won't get pregnant to have abortion, because it would be so cool, or something like that. He obviously doesn't think that way, it was some weird and layered sense of humour understood between two people. So my text wasn't meant to be passive-agressive or anything like that, it was supposed to be a way of saying I was worried in a light-hearted manner, but it turned out bad in the context and timing. I get the picture you took from it out of the context, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that would be constantly bitter and passive-aggressive - this is not the case.

    As for crying, in my experience and what I hear from all my friends and family, many guys get uncomfortable when seeing their woman cry if they don't understand the reason. They can walk away of the room, or they may tell her to stop crying, to stop acting silly, you know, something like that. The same partners can hug a woman when she crying on some days but act cold or unsupportive on other days just because they freak out seeing tears and they don't know what they are supposed to do. This has been my knowledge of most of heterosexual relationships.

Page 4 of 14 FirstFirst 1234567 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •