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Thread: Need An Outside Perspective

  1. #1
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    Need An Outside Perspective

    TLDR: my partner has made me feel rejected (saying my kisses are too wet, not trying to kiss me unless weíre having sex, not responding to my touch or attempts to initiate sex) and has poorly interpreted things Iíve said (I told him I wanted to be heard instead of being given advice all the time and heís taken that as I always want him to agree with me).

    How do I approach another conversation with him and avoid making it feel like Iím putting all the blame on him? How can we resolve our problems? Any thoughts on the situation would be helpful

    Longer post:

    Hi,

    Iíve been dating someone for the past four months and am unsure whether I should bring my frustrations up with him again over parts of our relationship.

    A lot of my issues are physical. He acts differently than other guys Iíve been with, like when I try to initiate sex he doesnít respond to me touching him by touching me back. And Iím nervous kissing him because heís told me before that my kisses are too wet and Iím worried about being rejected by him. He is really particular about when heís okay with kissing (not after weíve eaten and not when we wake up) and he doesnít really try to kiss me unless weíre about to have sex.

    Iíve tried to fix my wet kissing issue (which I can understand why heís not into it), but he says I still do it and Iím still nervous about being rejected by him so I donít try to kiss him often.
    Iíve asked him how I should initiate sex with him and heís said that I need to watch more porn to get more comfortable with sex in general and that Iíll know how to intiate then. I had always been with partners who told me what they liked before, but my current partner says he doesnít want to feel like heís teaching me how to have sex. He says I need to feel more comfortable with sex in general before we talk about what he likes.

    He also tries to give me advice too often and it comes across like he thinks he knows how to solve all the things I find frustrating and has an answer for everything. Iíve told him that sometimes I just want to be heard but he interpreted that as me saying that sometimes I just need him to agree with whatever I say instead of giving his opinion. What I actually want is for him to ask questions about what Iím feeling and confirm that my feelings are valid instead of trying to offer solutions to things he may not be knowledgeable about.

    Looking for thoughts on the situation, how I can resolve our problems, and how I should approach talking about this with him again.
    I feel like things are unresolved and I feel rejected, unworthy, and unhappy with these parts of the relationship.

  2. #2
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    Since itís only been four months, I would seriously just walk away.

    This canít be said enough but these early stages (first six months) are for observing a man to determine if he (or a woman if roles are reversed) is a good fit long term.

    Clearly, CLEARLY, this man is not for all the reasons stated in your post, especially how all this is making you feel (rejected, unworthy, unhappy).

    I see nothing positive about continuing forward with him, and wondering why you do, why you choose this for yourself.

    Do you not think there are better men out there Ė better for you, a better fit? And for him too, since he finds so many things "wrong" with you?

    This is not how good relationships work, especially after only four months.

    No there is no "talking" to him at this early stage, no negotiating, no trying to turn him into the man you need him to be.

    Just walk.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 01-03-2019 at 09:04 PM.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Gabbalabba

    Iím still nervous about being rejected by him so I donít try to kiss him often.
    A man can sense when a woman is fearful of losing him, and trust me it's the kiss of death!

    Don't ever allow a man to think you're afraid of losing him or being rejected by him, in fact more importantly you should never feel that way in the first place.

    It sounds like you have very low self-esteem since you feel this way. As such, I would suggest taking steps to build your self-esteem up so you never allow a man to emotionally control you the way you are currently doing, it's NOT healthy, not to mention he will lose respect for you, if he hasn't already.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Everything Katrina said.

    Sounds to me like all you're getting out of this is a man who makes you question yourself in ways that suck. You're trying to fix how you kiss, how you have sexóthings you've done with other men who liked the way you did these things? And you're doing this for someone who offers prescriptions when all you want is to be heard, listened to?

    Um, why?

    That's sort of the question I'd be asking right now.

    Some people (most people) just aren't compatibleóphysically, emotionally, intellectually, whatever. We date to test that compatibility out, not to feel rejected and broken and like a terrible lover.

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  6. #5
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    I have told him things that have upset me before though and heís understood and changed the way he acts to be more considerate of that. Isnít making an effort to change the way I kiss or learn something more about sex a similar scenario? Iíve always thought it was a good thing for a partner to be willing to work on things about themselves for the other person in the relationship

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Gabbalabba
    I have told him things that have upset me before though and heís understood and changed the way he acts to be more considerate of that. Isnít making an effort to change the way I kiss or learn something more about sex a similar scenario? Iíve always thought it was a good thing for a partner to be willing to work on things about themselves for the other person in the relationship
    Not after only four months Gabba. As I said, this is the observation stage, to determine if a man is right for you long term.

    This is also the "honeymoon stage," where we tend to see each other in a positive light. Is he doing that, seeing you in a positive light?

    No, he's extremely critical of you which is causing you to doubt yourself and walk on eggshells.

    Again, this is not how it's supposed to be after only four months.

    Talking, negotiating, working on issues in an attempt to be a better partner comes AFTER you determine that a man is right for you, a good fit, and that takes time, certainly not after only four months.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    What kind of things are you griping about to him?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gabbalabba
    I have told him things that have upset me before though and heís understood and changed the way he acts to be more considerate of that. Isnít making an effort to change the way I kiss or learn something more about sex a similar scenario? Iíve always thought it was a good thing for a partner to be willing to work on things about themselves for the other person in the relationship
    Learning something more about sex? Sure if itís something you are doing together.... but it sounds like he is expecting you to behave like porn star which is not who you are.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    What kind of things are you griping about to him?
    Agree with j.man, it doesn't sound like you see him in a positive light either!

    Again, it's just too soon for all this drama!

  11. #10
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    All this after only 4 months? Yikes. I would cut my losses and head for the hills. You two sound incompatible. I wouldn't waste anymore time with this one. You can do a lot better. Move on.

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