We broke up following a fight. What does the future hold for us?

Ok so here goes.

We have been dating around 4 months. Everything has been pretty perfect. I have met her family, they like me, we went to Paris together, it was fantastic. So...

She arranged a dinner party for last Friday to introduce me to her friends. It was going great until I got drunk, really drunk. I didn’t intend to. I think it was a mixture of cocktails that caught me out.

I acted like an arse. Embarrassing her in front of her friends and her young grandson who was staying over. After her friends left we had a blazing row. She took back her key and I went to a hotel. Next morning I texted her and apologised straight away. I knew I had been an arse but also knew it was the drink. She texted back saying that “she didn’t recognise me last night.” I asked to speak with her and she replied “ I’ Happy to do that when it suits us both.” She also put a x at the end. Normally I get 2 xx.

Next day, Sunday, I texted her good morning. She responded and asked how my head was. I offered to come over but she was leaving for London. She said we could maybe meet up during the week as she still had some of my things. No x. Then she texts asking if I remembered breaking her grandson’s teepee. No x.

I apologised again. Said I would replace it. I then asked if we would be ok and she replied “I hope so.” With a x.

I messaged her just to say good morning. She responded back. Again with a x. I haven’t texted her back as I have read that she needs space to come to terms with what happened. I’ll text her in the morning again, just to say good morning.

My question is... What do you think? Does she sound like a woman that wants to make this work? We love each other. We haven’t fought before. I don’t know what to do or say to her.

Any advice would we appreciated.

Does she sound like a woman that wants to make this work? .

If you've been lurking here for a while, you'll know that I can be pretty harsh sometimes. This will be one of those times. So, strap yourself in. Or, just ignore me. Either way, here's my response:

Why are you putting this on her to make this work? You are not taking responsibility for your actions.

You were the one who got so rip-roaring drunk that you crashed her grandson's teepee, of which you were so drunk, you have zero recollection. Not her.

You were the one who apparently scared her so much that she said you were someone she hadn't seen before. Not her.

But you come here asking if she sounds like a woman who wants to make this work? Are you f-ing kidding me???

Your post mentions how many "x's" are at the end of each of her texts. You are spending time counting up x's rather than admitting that you are a mean f-ing drunk.

Buddy, you need help. Both for your drinking, your drinking to excess, and the anger you have buried inside you, the rage that came out during this episode.

Well, what exactly did you do or say at this party? Do you normally get out of hand when you drink?

It sounds like she is shaken, angered and embarrassed by your behaviour. If this was the first impression you made on her family, well, they're likely going to be discouraging her from continuing this relationship too. What could have been a great opportunity to make some positive connections with her loved ones has flown right out the window and they are probably not going to want you around her anymore.

I don't know if she wants to work it out, but don't hold you breath.

you haven't lost her - dont' worry. BUT YOU NEED TO STOP PUSHIGN HER to take you back and ARE WE OKAY and WE NEED TO TALK NOW... bla bla bla. Let things calm down. Let YOURSELF calm down. WE all have regrettable nights. We all do things we wish we coudl take back - and most under the influence of alcohol or similar. So... i doubt she will be ending anythign with you over a single incident - she just needs to get over it. This is of course unless you made a pass at one of her friends, or did something completely inappropriate like expose yourself or- something that shows some underlying major issues you have that could be scary and flare up again (or maybe admitted you don't love her and juust wanted a piece of ass or somethign like that).

Unless it's that - you're fine.

Just let things calm down. So you both can speak PEACEFULLY and calmly about it. And really it will be a short converation. You sincerely apologize and say you just idn't realize what you were saying or doing anymore and don't really remember what you said and did - and are extremely embarrassed (do NOT oversell this.. just say it matter of factly.. you MUST look calm and under control or else it will give her the idea that it can happen again ---- aka you being out of control ---). Let her know that it is not something you ever do (drink to that degree) and can't imagine that you'd ever do it again as that's just not what you do or normally do. and that's it.

Again, don't OVER SELL it. don't get TOO PASSIONATE or desperate sounding over it. don't profuse anything too loudly or strongly or go over the top on anything you say to win her back. Again, doing any of that will actually be signals that you can get out of control, thus getting out of control "LIKE THAT AGAIN" is a possiilitey. You need to be UNDER control and calm the ENTIRE time so she sees you can keep it under control and keep your head about you. Even if you're "afriad you might lose her" (which you won't). She would hav cut you loose already if that were true.

Don't promise to do this or that or replace the teepee or "never drink agian" - none of that. Just DO IT (aka replace the teepee, don't drink again) without having to make a big deal out of it.... THAT'S what a man under control and can keep his wits about him would do.

Good luck and don't beat yourself up too much (another sign of a man who can't stay calm or keep it under control). It happened. it happens to all of us. Move on... work on today and the future - te past is done.

Hi

Thanks for the prompt responses. I think I need to make myself a little clearer.

I honestly believe this is the most drunk I have ever been. I started drinking early, before food, which didn’t help. I am not a drunk. I like a couple of beers every now and then but not all the time.

I think I have taken responsibility for my actions. I have ordered a new teepee, have offered to call her friends and apologise to them directly. I fully admit that this is all on me. I have told her this.

Something I didn’t mention is that before the party started she left me and her grandson alone for the first time (we got on great). This was a huge thing as her ex didn’t like her grandson and never spent time with him. I was mortified at my behaviour in front of him especially. She knows this.

I want to make this work. Would do anything to. I just don’t have the kind of experience to begin to know what she is thinking. Is she thinking about me and the argument like I am? That type of thing. We talk and communicate all the time normally so this situation is really hurting me.

I personally would be done and I've been in this situation before and been done (meaning we'd been dating only a few months and in my case it happened in front of his family). I also would not like that you blamed it on the alcohol. You chose to get drunk -at an event with her people -where you're supposed to do your best to be a good guest, make a good impression -and so you chose the consequences. Some women would be ok with giving you another chance -perhaps women who like to get drunk and know they might act obnoxious - and I can relate to why she would choose not to. I am glad you apologized to her- that was the right thing to do.

I didn’t really say much. Just argued with her over something petty. I knocked some glasses over. Was just an arsehole. It really isn’t me. I don’t recognise the person I became. It was great when I met her family. They really liked me. I know I have messed up but, it is the first time. I can do something about the drinking and isn’t just empty words. She knows if I say I will do something I do it.

Hi

I didn’t choose to get drunk. It just happened. One minute I felt fine the next I was smashed. It was strange how quickly it happened. I should have taken more care. I know.

I acted like an arse. Embarrassing her in front of her friends and her young grandson who was staying over.

I would say things are over. Its only 12 weeks into the relationship and you have a bad fight and you embarrassed her in front of her family due to drunkenness.

maybe its time to stop drinking as well. What happens when you are together 8 months and really let your hair done? What will you do, then? if she stays with you after you broke her grandson's toy and made a jerk of yourself, then I seriously worry about her

Hi

 

I didn’t choose to get drunk. It just happened. One minute I felt fine the next I was smashed. It was strange how quickly it happened. I should have taken more care. I know.

You chose to drink alcohol. There's always a risk of getting drunk especially if you drink on an empty stomach. Unless someone drugged your drink without you knowing it you chose to drink and chose the consequences. And why drink at all at such an important event where your new girlfriend is depending on you? I understand you've been able to hold your liquor better in the past -also once you were "smashed" why not just excuse yourself and go lie down?

Hi

 

I didn’t choose to get drunk. It just happened. One minute I felt fine the next I was smashed. It was strange how quickly it happened. I should have taken more care. I know.

Um....did you have more than one drink? You chose to get drunk.

Um....did you have more than one drink? You chose to get drunk.

I mean I get it -but I am a lightweight -so I can feel tipsy after less than half a glass of wine - but I know this so I am careful (I have never been drunk). I won't touch hard alcohol because of what a lightweight I am. So I know it may have hit him faster than usual and it doesn't explain choosing to have more than one drink or choosing to act that way as opposed to going to lie down or excusing himself.

Something I didn’t mention is that before the party started she left me and her grandson alone for the first time (we got on great). This was a huge thing as her ex didn’t like her grandson and never spent time with him. I was mortified at my behaviour in front of him especially. She knows this.

I don't have grandchildren, but I do have nieces, and I can tell you this: If my new (4-months is new) boyfriend got so drunk that he became physically destructive in front of my niece, not only would I never speak to him again, I'd probably report him to the police and file a restraining order both for myself and the children. He wouldn't be able to step 500 feet within theirs, or my, sight. I'm not kidding.

I didn’t get physically destructive. I fell over the teepee and it broke. I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t get abusive or threaten anyone. I don’t do that, even when drunk. I also know that I should have stopped drinking. It just caught up with me so quickly that I didn’t realise.

Look. I have no excuse for how I behaved but it was totally out of character. I’m not the type of person that turns to drink when I feel low or depressed. I am normally the one that drives and doesn’t drink. I really have no idea why I drank so much that night.

And the fact that you "have no idea" why you chose to drink, that is the problem. It was a poor decision and indicates self sabotage. The question is, why? That is the key.

And if you say you still "have no idea"...your issues are way deeper than not getting enough "x"es at the end of texts.

I mean I get it -but I am a lightweight -so I can feel tipsy after less than half a glass of wine - but I know this so I am careful (I have never been drunk). I won't touch hard alcohol because of what a lightweight I am. So I know it may have hit him faster than usual and it doesn't explain choosing to have more than one drink or choosing to act that way as opposed to going to lie down or excusing himself.

exactly.me, too. I have *maybe* half a glass of wine after or with a full meal but rarely, but especially don't drink any alcohol if I am trying to make a good impression on say, a new boyfriend's family. I want my wits about me. I mean, the worst thing that happens to me is I fall asleep - but i know how i am with having even half a drink, so therefore i do not drink more than that -- and often - nothing (not had a drink in maybe 2 years at this point - i didn't "quit" i just drink so infrequently that i just happened to recall "oh, i guess i have not had anything in 2 years).

It speaks to a lack of self awareness at best and alcoholism at worse

I didn’t get physically destructive. I fell over the teepee and it broke. I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t get abusive or threaten anyone. I don’t do that, even when drunk. I also know that I should have stopped drinking. It just caught up with me so quickly that I didn’t realise.

 

Look. I have no excuse for how I behaved but it was totally out of character. I’m not the type of person that turns to drink when I feel low or depressed. I am normally the one that drives and doesn’t drink. I really have no idea why I drank so much that night.

when someone is falling around because they are drunk - broke a toy, knocked some glasses over - its embarassing at best.... this is not some frat party. Its your gf's family -- and she has grandkids. Come, on, now...

Sorry to hear this. You two are old enough to have grandchildren? 4 mos is the get to know you period and let's face it what happened at her dinner party was the end.

However amazing, happy, fantastic, etc it was ended that night. Things change in the blink of an eye when you get inebriated, start a fight, break her stuff, embarrass her, etc. Surely her friends witnessed this debacle and support her decision to cut her losses and end things.

All she wants to do is meet to exchange stuff. She's done. Just give her stuff back and give her lots and lots of space.

She arranged a dinner party for last Friday to introduce me to her friends. It was going great until I got drunk, really drunk.

She said we could maybe meet up during the week as she still had some of my things. Then she texts asking if I remembered breaking her grandson’s teepee.

No it wasn’t, you’re right. I behaved appallingly and should have know/done better. I didn’t though. I have learnt a valuable lesson, it won’t happen again.

She has been messaging me this morning about other stuff (the theatre) so I think we are making progress. I think we will meet face to face at some point before the weekend. Any help on how to approach that would be appreciated.

No it wasn’t, you’re right. I behaved appallingly and should have know/done better. I didn’t though. I have learnt a valuable lesson, it won’t happen again.

 

She has been messaging me this morning about other stuff (the theatre) so I think we are making progress. I think we will meet face to face at some point before the weekend. Any help on how to approach that would be appreciated.

I would do it Daniel Tiger style -Daniel Tiger is a kids show modeled on Mr. Rogers. You apologize (with no qualifications) and then you ask the open ended question "how can I help?" And listen very carefully to the answer - and see if you can do the things she would require were she to give you another chance.

It sounds like a visit to an AA meeting as a guest to just listen in and see if there is a problem and what you can do about it. Also since you are communicating with her why haven't you offered to pay for whatever you damaged, messed up, broke whatever? First off you won't admit you are a problem drinker. You made zero attempt at a true apology or reparations. Just feeling sorry for yourself for being a poor fool.

You make excuses such as "it just caught up with me, blah blah". Surely she realizes you are a problem drinker and making excuses for your drunkenness. You never offered to take responsibility. All you did was excuse yourself with nonsense such as "I didn't mean to break it", etc. You never suggested that perhaps you have a problem with drinking, nor did you offer to pay for what you damaged nor did you send flowers with an apology note. All you are doing is trying to cover your butt and expect people to put up with this frat house act you put on in her home in front of her friends.

I think we will meet face to face at some point before the weekend.

No it wasn’t, you’re right. I behaved appallingly and should have know/done better. I didn’t though. I have learnt a valuable lesson, it won’t happen again.

 

She has been messaging me this morning about other stuff (the theatre) so I think we are making progress. I think we will meet face to face at some point before the weekend. Any help on how to approach that would be appreciated.

Don't get your hopes up. She is used to talking to you. So she is texting you. Being a text buddy is not a relationship.

btw, unless she is a widow, was her ex husband an alcoholic?

i have apologised and apologised. All sincere. I have bought a new teepee for her grandson and will pay for anything else I might have damaged.

She is calling me later to discuss everything.

Her ex wasn’t an alcoholic as far as I am aware. He just wasn’t a nice person. Didn’t spend any time with her grandson. Never wanted to know her children. I get along with them all really well.

If people think I might have a drink problem I will do something about it.

Hi

 

Thanks for the prompt responses. I think I need to make myself a little clearer.

 

I honestly believe this is the most drunk I have ever been. I started drinking early, before food, which didn’t help. I am not a drunk. I like a couple of beers every now and then but not all the time.

 

I think I have taken responsibility for my actions. I have ordered a new teepee, have offered to call her friends and apologise to them directly. I fully admit that this is all on me. I have told her this.

 

Something I didn’t mention is that before the party started she left me and her grandson alone for the first time (we got on great). This was a huge thing as her ex didn’t like her grandson and never spent time with him. I was mortified at my behaviour in front of him especially. She knows this.

 

I want to make this work. Would do anything to. I just don’t have the kind of experience to begin to know what she is thinking. Is she thinking about me and the argument like I am? That type of thing. We talk and communicate all the time normally so this situation is really hurting me.

and what about all this changes what i said and suggested?

nothing.