Simply Lost...

I apologize, this is going to be long but i don't talk to anyone about this so I've got a lot to get out...

Where to begin...

I used this message board about 4 years ago after a really tough break-up from a bad relationship just to vent really. Healing from a break-up is all self controlled really, you eventually make the choice to pick yourself up and move on, you choose how you react and how you choose to deal with everything, so it's not like I expect to find answers on here, plus I'm 33 years old and have had a pretty lousy love life so I know all there is to know about breaking up unfortunately as I've been through my share of them... I just remember it being helpful to talk to people who are feeling the same way since most people you talk to afterwards are either single or happy in their own relationship...

Since that bad break-up years ago, I have stayed single. It took a large chunk out of me and to be honest, without going into detail, I barely made it through it. So after that, I put up some pretty thick walls telling myself I would never let myself feel something like that for someone again because I don't have the thick skin needed to deal with a break-up and it didn't seem worth the risk. But nobody really wants to be alone forever, as human beings we crave attachment to someone else, plus as you get older you realize, at least for me anyway, that life is about more than just living with yourself and focusing on yourself... it's about finding someone else to love and be with, to make a life and family with. Not just finding someone to go out to eat with or sit on the couch and watch movies with or have sex with but someone to live life with as an extension of yourself... There's a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment in that, that I felt like I was missing out on as I don't have any kids, I've never been married or even engaged, I haven't even been in a relationship that I could say was "healthy" for more than the first few months due to picking and sticking with the wrong type of people.

I knew something was missing. But call it being gun-shy, or self preservation or a defense mechanism or whatever, I wasn't able to feel anything very deeply for anyone anymore. I tried over those years to force myself to date. Met a few girls that I could tell were very interested in me. I could see them falling for me in the way they looked at me or acted towards me but I couldn't feel anything back. I don't know if it was just because I'm too picky or because something in me was telling me they weren't the right ones for me or what... but I was getting convinced that I legit couldn't feel those kinds of feelings for anyone again. They would kiss me and I would kiss them back, but I couldn't feel that butterflies in the stomach feeling you get when you first meet someone, I didn't lean into it and shiver with excitement like they did, they would tell me how much they liked me and I wouldn't really open up back, they would want to have sex but I wouldn't cross that boundary because I knew I didn't feel for them in that way and sex without meaning just seems pointless to me. So eventually I'd call it off or they would call it off due to noticing I'm not as into it as they are. We would stop seeing each other and stop talking and I didn't feel disappointed or sad or upset... I didn't feel anything. I was convinced I was just broken. And that's how I lived for those years. Kind of like a shell of a person stuck in this limbo of wanting to be alone because it was safer and easier but also wanting to be with somebody because i felt empty but not being able to build feelings for any of the girls I met.

There was only one instance in those 4 years where I caught myself legit liking someone... A little over 2 years ago I meet someone through a friend at work who was trying to play matchmaker. We went on one date and I actually end up liking her alot. But she breaks it to me a few days after the date that she's not looking for a relationship with me so I bow out and say no hard feelings and that was that. But I was shocked I actually liked this girl and shocked I was actually disappointed I wouldn't get to see where it would go. Well she gets into a relationship with someone else for almost 2 years and they eventually break up and she contacts me and asks me to hang out. So we hang out but based on how she didn't want to date me the first time she met me those years back I didn't get my hopes up. But sure enough, she starts showing interest in me. Starts asking me to hang out quite often.

I quickly find myself being someone different than I had been for nearly the past 4 years. I start getting excited. Start getting my hopes up and letting the walls down. I'm actually scared less of this person because I can tell all these things are happening and can feel myself falling for someone for the first time in a long time. She seems equally as excited and into it as I do. She wants to see me every day. Wants to be affectionate constantly. I go on vacation with my family and we talk on the phone for hours each night while I'm away... something I haven't done since I was a teenager. I can tell she's falling for me too. She tells me she's never been more attracted to someone physically and emotionally as she was to me. We get along perfectly, never argue, never fight, always have a good time with each other, have so much in common as far as values and personality. We were legit happy and I was starting to feel complete again. I couldn't believe it was happening. I hadn't felt that good in a long long time and she tells me the same thing on a daily basis. So I KNOW we are on the same page emotionally and with the relationship.

Then one night changed everything because as I've learned, all it takes is one instance, one person, one tiny little thing can tear down even the strongest relationship.

To give a little background before I get into what happened on this one night... she had almost immediately started this relationship with me after her last break up, like she still has some of his furniture in her place that he hadn't picked up yet. Normally I would be hesitant about dating someone who had just gotten out of a relationship but she described their relationship as being over emotionally long ago, she just never brought herself to break it off until then. I've been in an unhappy relationship before where I've checked out emotionally long before the break-up happens so I understood and felt for her and chose to pursue it anyway.

During the time we're dating, her ex and his family and their mutual friends are kind of giving her hell about the break up, and she doesn't inform them she's dating someone else already and makes a lot of comments to me about facebook relationship statuses and how everyone always has an opinion on who is dating who and that she wants to avoid that and I don't want to push anything or cross any lines or cause her any drama so I keep my mouth shut about our relationship and just leave it up to her to decide who knows and when. I tell my family and that's it because I'm not the one who will get any kind of backlash from people or an ex for dating and she never mentions anything about it or acts like she has a problem with that. Our relationship is our business anyway so although I would've liked to tell everyone we were dating and make us "facebook official" I just let her be in charge of that. All i cared about was being with her. The outside world didn't matter.

Also during this time we're dating she tells me what broke up her relationship with her ex, apparently he was texting and flirting with another girl for most of their relationship. I didn't ask who and we didn't get too too much into the details about it.

So a little over 3 months in, we're both over the moon happy and everything is going beyond perfect. I go out to eat with my family one night, she's at her place because she has to work in the morning and we hadn't really gotten to the place in our relationship where we're part of each other's family events yet. We had only met each other's parents a few times. My best guy friend shows up and I stick around after we eat to have a drink with him. While we're having a drink, a girl me and my girlfriend both know shows up with her friend I had never met before. So we all hang out for a few hours, I have a few drinks, laugh a little, and then I go home. I had mentioned to my girlfriend that I was out with my family and that I was going to have a drink with my friend then she tells me she's going to bed for the night. So I don't keep her updated on what I'm doing for the rest of the night, i don't text her and tell her that me and my guy friend are hanging out with these two girls for a few hours at the bar, one of which I know she's friends with. She's asleep, and we have never really had to tell each other what we're doing and who we're with every day up until that point so it was literally meaningless to me and i thought nothing of it, plus this was the first time since we started dating that i actually spent any time with anyone else besides her. So it just felt like it wasn't or shouldn't have been a big deal. I did make a comment that I wasn't too sure about at the end of the night right before I left the bar when our mutual friend's friend told me that I'm "too nice to be single and I need a girlfriend" and I just kinda joked the comment off with a "no way, i always get hurt" type of thing ... because like I mentioned, I was leaving who knew about us beyond my family completely up to my girlfriend and we're not shown in a relationship on facebook so it's not public knowledge, this girl knows my girlfriend so i don't know who she would tell, and as far as I know, my girlfriend has only told her family and a few of her friends who aren't friends with her ex because even our mutual friend I was with didn't even know.

Well turns out, little did I know this girl with this mutual friend of ours that me and my friend are hanging out with is the girl that my girlfriend's ex had been texting throughout their relationship. And through the grapevine my girlfriend hears some exaggerated version of me being out at a bar with two girls, one of which is the cause of her last break-up, and that I had insinuated to them that I was single. And since I hadn't mentioned it to her, she gets the idea that the whole thing was me trying to hide everything from her and appear single to other girls.

I notice a few days later that she starts becoming very distant. She doesn't talk to me or tell me what was bothering her and I have no idea it has anything to do with that night. After enough pushing she eventually tells me what's bothering her and what she had heard. Shocked, I do what I can to reassure her and hold nothing back about what was said and tell her exactly what I did that night and how innocent it all was and really really REALLY hammer it home to her that she is the only girl I want and that I am extremely happy being with her. I tell her I said I was single because I was trying to respect her privacy and what I thought was her desire to keep us on the down low (which in hindsight I should've just said I was in a relationship and not said with who). I apologize about being around this girl that was such a problem in her last relationship and explain if I had known I wouldn't have even talked to her. I actually couldn't even stand that girl 5 minutes after meeting her. I do everything I can to do some damage control and tell her i'll do whatever I have to to reassure her and fix whatever trust has been broken, would even let her look through my phone because I had NOTHING to hide. But it's just too late. She gets more and more distant and I keep apologizing and trying to reassure her every day for a week but at the end of that week, she dumps me.

I ask her why and all she'll really tell me is that I'm "just not the one for her" ... I'm convinced it has to do with that night and I tell her that and she denies it and says that she just realized that we have no future together and that I'm not the one for her. She really turns off all feelings for me instantly and 180s. Everything she had been saying to me and showing me up until that point said she was just as happy and falling for me as much as I was for her. A person knows when someone likes them, you know it and you can feel it, and I KNOW she liked me just as much as I did her, which at that point was basically love.

But then she just bails on me and talks as if she didn't feel that way for me at all. COMPLETELY opposite of who she was with me up until that point. I mean she would tell me every single day numerous times a day how much she liked me and how happy she was and that this was the best relationship she had ever been in and was sooo expressive and intimate with her feelings towards me. And with me feeling the same way, I was convinced I had finally found someone after such a long wait.

And now here I am, close to two months later, wondering what in the hell happened and I'm completely lost. I don't know how to process it because it all happened so quickly, it's not like any of the other relationships I've had where one or both of us were miserable for months at a time until we finally break it off. Everything was honestly perfect up until then. I have a hard enough time dealing with break-ups that I know have to happen or even with ones that I'm unhappy in. But to lose one that I was THAT happy in with the first person I had actually gotten feelings for in so many years and to have it all end so abruptly at the height of the excitement of it all has really broken me. Not to mention, it's painfully obvious that something I did was the cause of the break up and I've never dealt with that before.

So I struggle daily with guilt, shock, anger, overwhelming sadness, hopelessness, a broken ego, and just about every other negative emotion there is. My mental health and physical health has deteriorated. When I was with her I was working out 7 days a week and eating healthy, I was in the best shape of my life, and mentally I was in good shape too, I actually had confidence and hope and was happy with life and who I was and what I was doing.

Now i don't work out at all, i barely eat and when i do it's junk. I drink almost daily because somehow being ed up and miserable seems preferable to being just miserable. I find myself holding back tears throughout the day. Wondering if it's going to be another 4 years before i meet someone again or if i'll ever meet someone period. I wonder if i blew it with the best girl i have ever met and if i will ever have a chance with someone as good as her again. I battle with taking all the blame since i was the one that was dumped. I avoid my family now who I've always been really close to because I'm embarrassed about talking the relationship up so much to them only to have to tell them that once again, it failed. To tell my parents that their 33 year old son can't hold a relationship, that more than likely i'll never give them grandchildren or a daughter in law. To be around my sister who casts this huge shadow because she has a happy marriage with two kids who are in sports and music and they have this life that i wish i had where they watch their kids be involved in all these things and then lay down together at night feeling drained but in love and fulfilled. I have deleted all social media and over half the contacts in my phone. I don't leave my house or go out or really even reach out to anyone anymore. I just sit and sulk in my heartache and drink and feel sorry for myself.

I've thought about selling my house and quitting my good paying job and just starting over somewhere else because I've lived in this town my whole life and after this it just feels like there's nothing here for me except one failed relationship after another. But my mom doesn't want me to move and my dad doesn't think it'll be any different for me anywhere else. I don't want to talk to my friends or anyone i know about this because I don't want to be that annoying person who is always talking about his ex and how upset he is over it. And i definitely don't want to hear what they all tell me as a default attempt at comfort "it's going to be ok, just give it time" or the gem "there's someone out there for you, you just haven't met them yet" ... or what my guy friends tell me to do to deal with it by just banging anything i see because that's definitely not me.

I just want to go back 2 months ago when everything made sense and i was actually happy and had a direction in life. I have let the loss of one person who i only dated for a short time completely ruin my life. I'm frustrated with myself because of that, frustrated that I'm not over it yet, frustrated that i let someone in again after being so careful for so long and it all blew up in my face, discouraged that i can't keep a relationship and I'm getting older, confused as to why i was so easy to just get over and toss aside after being built up. I ask myself every day if i did something so terrible and unforgivable that i should've been dumped for it? It doesn't seem like i should've but i was, so i don't know how to feel about it. I don't know if that's a reflection on me or a reflection on her. I wonder if it was just miscommunication on both our parts, if maybe i was just a rebound, if maybe i was just overplaying the whole thing and really don't know the difference between someone just trying me out versus someone who truly likes me... i wonder if i even belong with another person in life... if it's even possible for me...

All i can do is carry the blame and all the disappointment and heartache alone because she's fine with it all and had reached some kind of closure and acceptance before she even broke it off with me. I don't talk to her, i don't talk to anyone. I've gotten over heart break before so i know what it takes and what i have to do... but somehow this one just seems different... deeper...

I worked in the hospital for two years as a nurse's aide and i keep going back to a memory i have of a patient i had one 8 hour shift who was suffering from dementia and Alzheimer's and he spent that entire 8 hours reliving a break-up he had many many years ago. He would randomly burst into tears and call out her name and ask me to try and convince her to stay when this happened to him over half a lifetime ago. I think about that man, and how he had nobody, no kids, no wife, just random people in a hospital to take care of him in his last confused years on earth and i wonder if that's going to be me. If in my final years will nerve endings in my brain be firing and taking me back to this girl and break-up who i consider the one that got away, or some other girl i haven't met and lost yet, and all do daily is bawl and call out for this person to some stranger an eighth my age...

I hate being back here again. Back to this uncertainty. I had had such higher hopes for myself than this. I expected my life to be so much more different than it has been and what it is now. I don't know where to look for happiness or where to go to find fulfillment. I just go through the motions. And yeah, maybe in a few months or a year from now this pain will fade into a dull ache and it won't matter as much anymore. But at this point, it feels like this is all life has to offer me. That I'm always going to be some footnote in the story of someone else's fairy tale.

Ok, got all that out. Sorry for bumming out whoever took the time to read all that. Time to have a drink.

man that was an incredibly well told and heartfelt description of what happened to you. Im sorry you're going through this. I felt as if I was reading my own words. There is something about breakups in early-middle and middle age that just takes a huge toll on you. The fate of the world seems to lie on everything you do. I wish I had some really comforting words. All I can tell you is that you are in the right place (this forum). We all seem to be in similar situations and in some way it is comforting to know that you aren't suffering alone.

From the outside, the silver lining I see is that if you were able to love again, albeit it after a very long time, the possibility exists that you can love another time. If I didnt have a daughter (of which I'm very thankful for), I would definitely pack up and head to another city that has more opportunities to meet someone. I totally get where youre coming from as far as moving. Maybe a good vacation to a refreshing city with lots of singles could perk you up a bit. Just to see that there are other women out there. Anyway, good luck friend. We will all make it through this.

Maybe you said, but I'm not sure how long ago this breakup was. I also think it's positive that you surprised yourself and loved somebody. That's huge, risky too unfortunately. I get that you're hurt but don't be hurt for four more years. That's your choice, to drink it away and give in to the pain. I've done that for sure. I do that but I also manage to find some joy in getting together with friends and other accomplishments. I'm also completely overshadowed by my perfect twin who is married and pregnant, I'm not the favorite at all. I'm the broken one, yay. But, I'm not miserable, though it's very tempting to be miserable and I have some really bad days and bad times with some guys. I pick myself up anyway. Drinks, sure, if I need them. Then, back to life.

The story about the nursing home guy is so sad. You don't know that that's your fate. It could be anyone's, if they have Alzheimer's. You're still young, even though you don't think so. What stood out for me in your post, is the reason she is using for completely ending things. Just ridiculous. Did she really love you if it's that easy for her to give up? Or is she that insecure that she can't believe that you weren't trying something with her arch nemesis? I know there were a lot of things you enjoyed about her but there's a nut job hiding in there too, one who's either gaslighting you on the reason for the breakup, or one who can't handle a misunderstanding in any way. Seriously, if I had a guy I loved that went out one night and that was the story, NO BIG DEAL! I would've heard his explanation and accepted it. I don't expect all guys to cheat on me.

Some might disagree with me, but if this girl was as amazing as you say, I think she would have heard you out and let go of this incident. However, her hatred for the other girl must run pretty deep and I can see from the outset where if she didn't trust your version of events it may look like you were trying to pretend you were single at a bar with her archenemy. However, I think this is one of those cases where you should have explained 1-2 times and not run after her and over-accepted responsibility for it. The profuse apologies may have ironically reinforced that she was right and something shady really was going on.

It was really too early to say if this girl was "the one." It's not like what you did tell her completely misaligned with the events--you did hang with your family and grab a drink with your friend. So in this regard I think it was premature and pretty harsh to throw the entire relationship away. To me this potentially speaks to her own fears around loss, abandonment, intimacy, etc.

You were too early on in the relationship to see how she deals with conflict, if she would end up controlling, etc. So please don't have her on this pedestal of her being SO perfect. After all, she did turn you down initially the first go around.

Don't give up your hobbies, your social life, your house, or your good paying job just for one break-up. If you truly don't like your town then set yourself up in another, but if you're just trying to outrun the shame or humiliation or pain of this breakup, no matter where you move that will be with you until you process it. I recommend to anyone on here who will listen the process of EFT (emotional freedom technique) to deal with emotional trauma. It's free, you can do it in the privacy of your own home, and it has really helped me deal with upsets when nothing else worked very well.

Your grief isn't about just this one girl, it's about the larger meanings that you have attached to it and what this means about you and your life. These are the core beliefs that you really need to address--whether that's that you're undeserving of love, a failure, etc. This girl is the symptom of a larger set of losses and destructive beliefs and that's why you're taking it so hard.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

One day at a time.

Breathe.

You will meet someone new, or you will find eachother again.

For now, you are at ground zero, its ok, allow yourself to be sad, angry, confused, every emotion go through them naturally.

Work on yourself and being single, you say youre worried it'll take 4 years to find a relationship, singledom isn't a disease! Dont get me wrong being in a relationship is awesome, super awesome, but being single has its perks too! No ones eating my leftovers or deleting my recordings...

A potential partner isnt saving you, they're simply complimenting your life, making it brighter. Never think you cant survive without someone, I lived far too long thinking that way, one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Your grief isn't about just this one girl, it's about the larger meanings that you have attached to it and what this means about you and your life. These are the core beliefs that you really need to address--whether that's that you're undeserving of love, a failure, etc. This girl is the symptom of a larger set of losses and destructive beliefs and that's why you're taking it so hard.

This is worth repeating.

I know it doesnt feel like it now, but one day at a time, youre going to be ok.

Very detailed but well paragraphed. I read the whole thing.

As you and Teddy said, after a string of failed relationships and then 3 years single, I met and married who I was led to believe was the 'One'....

Now that she's gone, this heartbreak is as you described, deeper....different... And I'm 14 months out now! (albeit breadcrumbed for months)...

But I just wanted to say a couple of things: Firstly, don't beat yourself up too much. If your ex is THAT insecure, this breakup would have happened eventually. And probably after years of you walking on eggshells trying not to upset her.

It was a big part of why my wife walked out. We tried counseling and I did my best to show her l was committed, but she just couldn't quieten that voice in her own head. She totally convinced herself that I would eventually cheat and/or leave her for someone else. What can you do?

Just be grateful you didn't get married, have kids, buy a house etc. Take it from me :-/

Second: Please try to start making steps away from the drink. You don't need to hit the gym, get new hobbies etc etc. Going for walks is good though. But you are grieving and heading for full blown depression so it will be baby steps for now...But the drink will make it worse...much worse...

I know it probably alleviates the pain short term. That's what people do. They turn to drink, drugs, overshopping, overeating, overworking etc...

But if you can sit with the pain, lean into the pain, allow the pain... this will help to strengthen you and heal this wound better in the long run...no matter how long that run is.

Lastly: Don't hold back the tears. Nature has evolved crying for a reason and you will feel some relief afterwards. It needs to get out.

Hope this helps.

Sending You Strength

Carus*

So you really don't know what you did to cause the break up? Let me explain.

When you're hanging out with a friend of your girlfriend's, you've got to be on your best behavior, because anything you do or say could and would get back to your girlfriend in an exaggerated fashion. That means, you've got to tell your girlfriend EVERYTHING about what happened during the meeting so that you've explained in advance every little detail so that she hears your version first. You didn't do that. You left things out. And she hears from her friend a version that makes it sounds like you were getting too friendly with another girl.

Now keep in mind that your girlfriend had been involved with a guy that was emotionally cheating on her. She has tremendous trust issues. She's made the decision not to go through that again. So when it gets back to her that you may have been too friendly with another girl, her trust issues explode. That's it. You've broken her trust and she can't deal with it.

So that's it. You screwed up. To be fair, she was probably pretty fragile and she probably didn't have enough time between relationships to process everything. I think you can put yourself in her place since you wrote about being in the opposite position where you believed your old girlfriend was carrying on emotional relationships with other men. Think about how you acted in that relationship and how your ex acted in this relationship.

If you could have shown your ex that you could be trusted, you might not have broken up. You said you gave up after a week and then she ended it. She might have been persuaded if you sent her flowers and candy and maybe if you could have arranged a meeting with her and the mutual friend who ratted on you. But it's water under the bridge now. (Although, you could contact the mutual friend to try to get her on your side.)

I don't think you're relationship cursed. I think there was a certain amount of male-female miscommunication here. You might want to read John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." I've seen him talk and his book is almost a guide for guys on how to translate what you're feeling into women-speak.

But rather than waiting four years to get into a relationship again, I think you need to use what you've learned and try again. If you're the guy that you think you are, you deserve to be in a long-lasting relationship.

So you really don't know what you did to cause the break up?

Oh no I am very, very aware of the mistake I made that inevitably caused her to leave, whether intentional or not, it was a mistake and I can admit that. I can most definitely see it from her side, and from her side it looked bad, no doubt. I would've been upset too if I were in her shoes, not break-up levels of upset, but maybe grouchy for a few days upset. But I was very much on my best behavior that night and all the time, I can say that with confidence and certainty. I never once even looked twice at another girl while I was dating her. I don't flirt, I don't cheat, I don't keep private friendships and conversations on my phone from my girlfriends, I don't keep secrets. I spent many nights staying up late with her while we were together telling her about my dad's affairs and secrets and what it's done to my mother and my family and how I would never be that man, I couldn't live with myself knowing I caused that kind of pain to someone I loved. Plus I've been cheated on plenty of times myself so I know how it feels. She knew what kind of person I was which is why she chose me after getting out of a relationship where she had no trust, because she felt I was trustworthy. I worked with 98% women in the hospital for two years and never once flirted with any of them or acted or said anything inappropriate and she knows that because she works with all those people now too, and I know they would all vouch for me on that. While she was in her last relationship that she was unhappy in, she would text me every now and then just to say hi and even though I liked her, I never flirted with her or said anything inappropriate to her. That's just not who I am. I proved that to her and she told me numerous times that she felt safe with me and that she could trust me. So I know I proved to her that I could be trusted. And I KNOW she was happy with me.

I don't necessarily believe in calling someone "insecure" ... people react how they react based on their wants and needs and past experiences... who am I to say how they should feel and react to something? So I understand her reaction, I understand her feeling uneasy. But I wish she would've been able to see past this one and only instance in our relationship that made her question it, because people do that in relationships eventually, they hurt each other sooner or later, it's inevitable when you spend that much time around someone and your life revolves around them, and when that happens you weigh the good with the bad and ask yourself if that person is worth overlooking the hurt they just caused you. And there was most definitely more good than bad. If there was some other determining factor then I honestly don't know what it could've been because she was VERY adamant that she was happy and comfortable and felt safe.

Believe me when I say I did everything I could to save the relationship and convince her to change her mind. I accepted responsibility, I owned up to, I wasn't a coward about it and I didn't push it all back on her by calling her insecure or telling her she's over-reacting, I told her I understood and that she had the right to be upset, told her it was honestly just miscommunication. I expressed to her how much it hurt me to know I hurt her but that I promised it wasn't what she thought. I tried to go on and be as affectionate and as loving as I had always been during that week, but she had given up, she had stopped everything. Not me. It was like trying to push a brick wall. Then she made it clear to me once she made the decision that it was over, that there was no changing her mind. What am I going to do at that point? Send her flowers she doesn't want and will throw away? Send her text messages she won't read? Call her when she doesn't want to talk to me? Show up at her house uninvited when she doesn't want to see me? I wasn't about to drag other people into it by saying "tell my girlfriend she's got it all wrong and that nothing happened" because if it takes another person to keep our relationship together then how will we ever be able to work through our problems ourselves when they happen? I spent a few weeks after the break-up continuing to try and talk to her but she wouldn't budge so I had no other choice but to give up and accept defeat. It would break my heart over and over again hearing her say no or act cold to me.

I fought hard for that relationship and put a lot of work into it. I spent pretty much every day with her for nearly 4 months building up trust and security and attachment and I was more than good to her during that time, something that she acknowledged daily. I never once hung out with another girl, and it's not like this one time was me calling up some girl and saying "hey come hang out with me, my girlfriend is not here" she just showed up where I was and I knew her and hadn't seen her in probably over a year so I talked to her and her friend who I didn't know for a bit in a very public place. No funny business. But because my girlfriend didn't find out from me that this happened, it looked like something shady was going on and made her question if she could trust me. That's what happened, despite all the reasons and explanations for it, that's what caused this break up. And that's something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

But she will have to live with the fact that she threw away a good man and a good relationship over a misunderstanding.

I thought our relationship was a lot more secure and sound than it obviously was and that I would get the benefit of the doubt in a situation like this based on how happy we were and how much she trusted me because I would've done that for her and I'm just as "damaged" as she is in the trust area. But because she was so eager to bail at the first bump in the road, I question now if it would've even made a difference if I would've been the one to tell her about it or not. I'm not positive I could've came out of this situation any other way no matter what. I'll never know for sure.

Now that she's gone, this heartbreak is as you described, deeper....different... And I'm 14 months out now! (albeit breadcrumbed for months)...

 

this breakup would have happened eventually

 

Just be grateful you didn't get married, have kids, buy a house etc. Take it from me :-/

 

Second: Please try to start making steps away from the drink. You don't need to hit the gym, get new hobbies etc etc. Going for walks is good though. But you are grieving and heading for full blown depression so it will be baby steps for now...But the drink will make it worse...much worse...

 

I know it probably alleviates the pain short term. That's what people do. They turn to drink, drugs, overshopping, overeating, overworking etc...

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry to hear about your marriage. I have a hard enough time with a 3 month relationship ending, I can't image the kind of loss I would feel after a marriage and kids and house with someone... I feel for you... I'm starting to believe what you said... that this break-up would've happened eventually for some reason or another if she was so easily persuaded to give it up and walk away from it without even trying.

I know drinking makes it worse... there's a reason they call it a depressant... after awhile when the hurt doesn't sting so much I'm sure i'll put the bottle down... :\

Sending you strength aswell...

Thanks again.

There is something about breakups in early-middle and middle age that just takes a huge toll on you. The fate of the world seems to lie on everything you do.

So true... it's funny how we think that way...

A potential partner isnt saving you, they're simply complimenting your life, making it brighter. Never think you cant survive without someone, I lived far too long thinking that way, one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

This is a mistake I'm very aware I'm making in life and need to work on... it sucks to let the loss of one person destroy your life, especially since before that person, you life wasn't this destroyed... you were getting along just fine without them before you lost them... albeit maybe just going through the motions or feeling like something is missing like I was... but still...

And after a break-up and you're resting all your happiness on this one person that is now gone... you feel like your more sane side is standing back watching you and shaking their head saying "what are you doing?"

It's frustrating to know the truth but your heart still overpowers it.

I've always said love is a powerful thing that makes people do incredible feats... but grief... that's like some kind of force of nature, like a natural disaster... love changes you, but grief consumes you...

Maybe you said, but I'm not sure how long ago this breakup was. I also think it's positive that you surprised yourself and loved somebody. That's huge, risky too unfortunately. I get that you're hurt but don't be hurt for four more years. That's your choice, to drink it away and give in to the pain. I've done that for sure. I do that but I also manage to find some joy in getting together with friends and other accomplishments. I'm also completely overshadowed by my perfect twin who is married and pregnant, I'm not the favorite at all. I'm the broken one, yay. But, I'm not miserable, though it's very tempting to be miserable and I have some really bad days and bad times with some guys. I pick myself up anyway. Drinks, sure, if I need them. Then, back to life.

 

The story about the nursing home guy is so sad. You don't know that that's your fate. It could be anyone's, if they have Alzheimer's. You're still young, even though you don't think so. What stood out for me in your post, is the reason she is using for completely ending things. Just ridiculous. Did she really love you if it's that easy for her to give up? Or is she that insecure that she can't believe that you weren't trying something with her arch nemesis? I know there were a lot of things you enjoyed about her but there's a nut job hiding in there too, one who's either gaslighting you on the reason for the breakup, or one who can't handle a misunderstanding in any way. Seriously, if I had a guy I loved that went out one night and that was the story, NO BIG DEAL! I would've heard his explanation and accepted it. I don't expect all guys to cheat on me.

Thank you for this...

It's good that you choose to not be miserable because it's really easy in this world to fall into the "woe is me" victim mentality... And while I'm old enough now to know that I can't blame the world for my problems, I also make the choice to be miserable...

I guess I've always thought of it this way... that if I allow myself to feel all the incredible highs and of love and relationships, then I shouldn't deny myself of feeling all the incredible lows aswell... doesn't seem fair I guess... I just don't know where to draw the line...

You have a strength that I'm still trying to achieve

I was dating a guy I was really unsure about. I would make the effort to drive to him, I would contact him (although in the beginning he strongly pursued me). So, one night I went to a bar with his good friend's girlfriend. I told her I was really into this guy, but that I was unsure about him. And that I didn't know if I should continue on or just let it go because I had no idea how he felt because he never told me.

Well, she told her boyfriend (the guy I was dating's good friend) and OF COURSE, he told the guy I was dating. Except it was communicated that I said I didn't know if I should keep seeing him or bail. The guy I was dating used that as an excuse to end the relationship. Immediately. He said I was gossiping about him to people and he could not trust me. He would not even consider my explanations. He said it was over. Period.

His friend apologized to me, but I said basically what you wrote...that if he had so little trust in me it would have ended anyway. I can't do battle with someone else's preconceptions or beliefs.

Your ex was especially sensitive because this was the woman her previous boyfriend cheated on her with. I'm sure she thinks she was protecting herself.

It's highly likely she never would have trusted you, despite what she said. She is damaged from her previous relationship and is bringing that baggage with her. The tiniest slip up (or perception thereof) and she would be out of there. She probably told herself she would never put up with anything resembling infidelity or deception again.

Please do not do any more damage to yourself (drinking, etc.) because of her issues. This would have happened with whoever she dated after her previous boyfriend. She was on the lookout for trouble; she would have found it no matter what. It's just a shame she had to drag you into her mess.

I guess I've always thought of it this way... that if I allow myself to feel all the incredible highs and of love and relationships, then I shouldn't deny myself of feeling all the incredible lows aswell... doesn't seem fair I guess... I just don't know where to draw the line...

I think you're on to something here, about drawing the line. I think I feel the lows pretty hard, just like you, despite you thinking I have strength. I don't think strength has anything to do with not feeling bad feelings. Did you ever watch South Park, did you see the episode where both Butters and Stan get their hearts broken? Stan goes completely Emo/Goth but Butters bounces back. You should look it up! Does Stan's transformation validate to the world how much Wendy meant to him, and does it do him any good? It's a trash TV show message, but still. You just have to decide how being sad is serving you. Maybe you think it's more authentic to be in despair for awhile. I don't think you have to pretend anything, just don't let it hurt your life more than it needs to.

Boltnrun has a spot-on story.

I was dating a guy I was really unsure about. I would make the effort to drive to him, I would contact him (although in the beginning he strongly pursued me). So, one night I went to a bar with his good friend's girlfriend. I told her I was really into this guy, but that I was unsure about him. And that I didn't know if I should continue on or just let it go because I had no idea how he felt because he never told me.

 

Well, she told her boyfriend (the guy I was dating's good friend) and OF COURSE, he told the guy I was dating. Except it was communicated that I said I didn't know if I should keep seeing him or bail. The guy I was dating used that as an excuse to end the relationship. Immediately. He said I was gossiping about him to people and he could not trust me. He would not even consider my explanations. He said it was over. Period.

 

His friend apologized to me, but I said basically what you wrote...that if he had so little trust in me it would have ended anyway. I can't do battle with someone else's preconceptions or beliefs.

 

Your ex was especially sensitive because this was the woman her previous boyfriend cheated on her with. I'm sure she thinks she was protecting herself.

 

It's highly likely she never would have trusted you, despite what she said. She is damaged from her previous relationship and is bringing that baggage with her. The tiniest slip up (or perception thereof) and she would be out of there. She probably told herself she would never put up with anything resembling infidelity or deception again.

 

Please do not do any more damage to yourself (drinking, etc.) because of her issues. This would have happened with whoever she dated after her previous boyfriend. She was on the lookout for trouble; she would have found it no matter what. It's just a shame she had to drag you into her mess.

Very well put. If it wasn’t this it would have been something else and a part of me thinks she will be back. The way she ended things... it seems very dramatic, like bolt said she never healed from her ex cheating so you would have payed for this mans sins, you currently are and if she came/comes back you would have paid more.

Broken seeks broken. I don’t know that you’re truly ready either, she deffinetely is not.

I don't think this is on you at all, OP. You were basically her rebound and if you look it up on here and other sites, you will see how your relationship checks basically every box of a rebound relationship. I was someone's rebound too and can talk from experience. My short-term relationship was very similar to yours.

I don't think the break up was caused by something you did. Ok, it was unfortunate that she got to hear about you hanging out with exactly the girl who caused her last break up. But really, it's not reason enough. you didn't know. You didn't do anything. You said you were single because she was conveniently hiding her relationship with you from everyone. She's gaslighting you, blaming you for something she should be blamed for. She had the idea to 'hide' the relationship, not you.

Again, I was someone's rebound too, and I struggled A LOT with guilt when my ex broke up with me. She kept saying she was over her ex but she wasn't. The fact they don't wanna go back to an ex doesn't make them over it. Not even close. She never processed her break up properly (especially one involving cheating). She was not in love with you but just infatuated and in love with the 'fantasy' of being in a relationship again. You were just a detail in all of this. It's a hard pill to swallow but it's what is most likely the case.

I can very confidently say this relationship had little future. It burned very quickly, like all rebound relationships do. I suggest you to stop blaming yourself and just accept you were used as a crutch by her, in a time she needed to be loved and wanted after being cheated on by her ex. The fact that she very quickly went from hot to cold is also proof that you were her rebound. The connection you both had didn't have much substance. I think the fact you were hanging out with the girl who her ex cheated on her with was the reason for the end. Not because of what you did, but probably because it did surface all her unresolved feelings from her previous relationship.

I'll tell you, it's not easy to feel used like that. I went from mourning the end of what I thought was a great connection, to mourning the fact that I was just used as a crutch and the 'connection' never really existed. It was all fake. It's a tough pill to swallow to but you'll get there. You must always learn to never getting involved with someone fresh out of a relationship, especially when they were dumped and there was cheating involved. She will need much more time to get over what happened to her.