Thinking illogically. Worried about myself

I’m worried about my current emotional state. I feel part of it is just me not thinking logically but at the same time I can’t stop thinking and feeling what I believe are illogical emotions. I’m wondering if I should get help. For context I’m a women in my mid 20s. What triggered this “episode” for lack of better term is I recently asked a friend of mine who is also my coworker to hang out via text last Monday. We’ve known each other for 6 months, been friends for about a month, and have hung out 3-4 times outside of work. She didn’t respond and while I was bummed I tried to not jump to conclusions although I did think she was upset with me.

I saw her two days later and she immediately acknowledged she was sorry she hadn’t got back to me, she had just been busy but made an indication she would sometime soon. I thought “great she doesn’t hate me” and was fine with that. However since then , she has texted me about work, and I’ve worked with her two other times but she still hasn’t got back to me about hanging out. The last thing she said to me yesterday was “have a good week”, which to me indicated that she doesn’t plan on seeing me this week either.

Now my friend really is a great person. She’s always nice, friendly and fun to be around. We’ve only been friends for a short time but she’s demonstrated all the qualities of a good friend and has even checked in on me when she felt I wasn’t doing ok. I know logically she probably doesn’t hate me and isn’t upset with me, but my emotions and brain keep telling me otherwise. My emotions tell me that I’m not important to her or she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. Yesterday I cried for about a solid hour over it and I didn’t sleep well since I keep thinking about it. I feel this isn’t normal.

I’m also concerned because this isn’t the first time I’ve cried over a friend not responding to me. Another good friend who I love dearly was suppose to meet up with me but she canceled at the last second with no explanation and I was hurt since it was the second time she had forgot/canceled a meet up. I also cried then. In another extreme case, I seem to be still stuck on an old friendship that ended over 3 years ago. I try not to dwell on that one as much but it’s still something I think about quite often.

I know logically friends aren’t perfect, that I’m not the most important thing in their world and sometimes friendships end but

I can’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with me emotionally or if I have some kind of attachment issue because I let these situations affect me so heavily. Any advice would be great. Thanks if you made it this far.

I have a few questions.

Why would a new friend be checking up on you - were you physically ill? What was going on and how did she know?

How many of the 4-6 times hanging out did she initiate and plan?

Why would you think she was upset with you? Did something happen?

I think it's understandable to be upset at last minute flaky cancellations. As far as the friendship that ended 3 years ago, it depends why it ended/the circumstances as to the connection between that and your reaction.

What do you do to contribute to and develop friendships aside from making plans to hang out?

I think it's very important to develop a way to balance head and heart -to maintain a balance between your thoughts and emotions. And to develop go to methods that work for you when you are being overly emotional in your opinion. For some people that is cardio exercise, scrubbing a floor, calling a friend (but not talking about yourself), doing volunteer work, 4-7-8 breathing, etc.

I hope you feel better.

I know exactly what you are talking about! AND....when i first read your post, I thought you might be a friend of mine dealing with these exact issues, but with a guy. She's thinking about counseling. AND...I'm 63 and she's in her 50's. Yes, it has to do with attachment and abandonment issues.

I realized I've been battling with BPD for most of my adult life to one extreme to another. But as with any mental illness, it's a spectrum disease...from functional to non-functional. Once I acknowledged my problem, I try really hard to deal with it, and realize it's my 'issues' taking hold of me, not reality!

I too always felt 'left' or abandoned when a girlfriend (I usually only attached myself to ONE good gf or bf at a time) and then when they went off with someone else...even for a bit...I was hurt. I KNEW this wasn't a correct way to feel. (even before I ever heard of BPD)

I didn't make much money and I found a resource that I could talk to fairly cheaply. I think that's what holds most people back from counseling….MONEY.

So in the mean time, read up on anxious attachment style. Abandonment issues. Deep breathing as Batya suggests...in the moment exercises.

People always act like you can change your emotions/feelings just like that. The thing is, highly sensitive people aren't wired the same way as others. Just as extroverts/introverts, it's just the way we are hard-wired...but we have to try our best to not OVER-REACT. Acknowledge that you are feeling left out, rejected, etc. But then be proactive about rectifying the situation. THINK....is your wonderful friend avoiding you because of your emotions? Are you an emotional vampire? (I think I may be too! lol) Be a friend like you would want them to be to you...not overly clingy or woe is me type of relationship.

If your friend says...have a nice week! Say...yes, you too, and if you would like to hang out with me this week, remember the offer is on the table! She may have forgotten!

You need to talk about it...but not too your friends like FOREVER!!! They're not your counselor. Some may have empathy for you, but it wears thin after awhile.

Just my 2 cents. If you need to vent...we are here for you...

BTW...I just reread your post. When I call my gf, I don't just say, ya wanna hang out? I have a plan, whether it's just go for a walk, go shopping, bowl....or even watch a movie together at her home. I usually ask if she's busy a particular day....and go for it. Your friend might say yes....or not. Try to make it something you know she'll enjoy.

Bathya

“Why would a new friend be checking up on you - were you physically ill? What was going on and how did she know? “

- We’ve worked together for about 6 months and we considered each other work friends and talked about our lives during down time. We just recently became friends outside of work and started texting each other about a month ago. The day she checked in on me, she knew something was wrong because I’m typically an upbeat positive person but when I came I into work she could tell I had been crying and not my normal self. I lost my dad last year and was just really sad about it that day. She texted me after her shift was over and I appreciated it.

“How many of the 4-6 times hanging out did she initiate and plan?”

- The thing is she initiated our whole friendship outside of work. I said co worker to keep the story simple but she’s actually my assistant manager. She asked me to hang out first. We would have been friends outside of work a long time ago but we were both hesitant for obvious reasons. There’s no official rules that prevent us from being friends but mutually agreed not to tell anyone at work. I know she wouldnt have asked to be my friend, and risk the other employees thinking negatively of her, unless she really wanted to be my friend. We’re both the same age and get along great. Since then initiating meeting ups had been 50/50.

“Why would you think she was upset with you? Did something happen?”

- Nothing happened, that’s the illogical part of my brain I hate.

As far as the friendship that ended 3 years ago, it depends why it ended/the circumstances as to the connection between that and your reaction.

- Long story short, friend got mad at me for telling her she was always mad at people. It seemed like she always had drama. She stopped talking to me . I don’t think we were comparable friends to begin with but the fact she just stopped being my friend got to me. I don’t know why but I still think about it.

“What do you do to contribute to and develop friendships aside from making plans to hang out?”

- This question is really good. I’ve never thought about it. I never was really good at asking people to hang out but I’m making efforts to change it so in my mind asking people to hang out is already a big step for me. But what else could I be doing ?

I think you’re right in doing something when I’m overly emotional.

I thank you so much for you réponse.

Thanks Reality for your response. I’m sorta relieved to know I’m not the only person feeling this way. When you say BPD are you referring to bi polar disorder? My aunt has it but it never crossed my mind that I could have it. I’m considered a highly upbeat and positive individual to people but internally I struggle to deal with my emotions. I’m never lash out with outburst so that why it never crossed my Mind with bpd. I realize though that sometimes I can be totally fine with a situation and then go back and re think about it and be upset about it again. I love your suggestion of asking todo something specific. I just asked her if she wanted to do something but it being more specific would probably be better. I thank you so much for you response.

Unfortunately it sounds like she doesn't want to hang out with work friends this much. Try not to take it personally.

I recently asked a friend of mine who is also my coworker to hang out via text last Monday. We’ve known each other for 6 months, been friends for about a month, and have hung out 3-4 times outside of work.

"“What do you do to contribute to and develop friendships aside from making plans to hang out?”

- This question is really good. I’ve never thought about it. I never was really good at asking people to hang out but I’m making efforts to change it so in my mind asking people to hang out is already a big step for me. But what else could I be doing ? "

I think this may be a clue to why you're having troubles with friendships. Here are some things you could be doing:

Decrease the percentage of time you are talking when you are together -try to have a lot of conversations where if you are talking 50% of the time half of that is asking appropriate follow up questions to what she is sharing.

Be an active listener. Find out what she's into and that way when you come across an article, anecdote, activity that she in particular might be interested in mention it or email it or text it.

Remember things that are happening for her. And follow up -I used to have to do this with a landline call pre-cell phone -now with texting - text her "hope your family dinner went well!" "hope your niece's ballet recital was fun" "hope your uncle is feeling better after his procedure". Set reminders on your phone if you think you'll forget.

Find out what causes she volunteers for and offer to help with your time or make a small donation. Offer to do small favors. Saturday night a friend of mine, knowing it would be freezing Sunday morning, offered to drive my son to his sunday morning activity that her kids also go to. And offered to drive him back. She didn't know my husband was away, and that I'd have to take him in the bad weather by bus if she hadn't offered. When my other friend lived in my building, I'd go downstairs to hang out with her, arrive, and tell her "I'm watching your kids -go take a shower" -knowing she hadn't been able to.

Share funny stories/jokes as appropriate -try to make her day even brighter.

Asking to hang out is all well and good - and nice especially if the person has a lot of free time - but like Reality said -have a specific plan in mind and when you're less focused on your emotions and more other centered you'll suggest activities she likes and you'd be willing to try.

I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to be a better friend/develop the friendships I have - I feel that it's part of being a good friend. Those are some of the things I do.

It sounds like you're overly emotional. I mean, crying because someone couldn't meet up with you? That seems excessive.

Also, don't be so literal. When someone says, oh, we'll hang out later, it doesn't mean you should be checking your phone every minute for someone to reschedule. People don't mean anything when they say something like that. It's just a little white lie. It means they may or may not reschedule. But it's not a definite thing.

Do you have any close friends or a boyfriend? If you don't have close friends or a boyfriend, that might be why you're so overly sensitive. You need more friends, but close friends are not so easy to find. Keep in mind that people are forced to be together at work and don't misinterpret them being friendly as being your friend.

If you're having problems controlling your emotions, you might want to talk to a professional. You could be feeling depressed or anxious. Sure, this could be a sign of someone with BPD, but it's way too early to suggest that. You said you weren't doing too well recently. Did you lose someone or have an illness? That might be a reason for you experiencing this.

Oh...I'm sorry. I wasn't suggesting you had BPD....which is borderline Personality Disorder. They are hyper-sensitive and have a great fear of abandonment. With a whole boat load of other issues!!! lol. That was just me, explaining why I knew about feeling rejected emotionally, when your MIND says, hey...I know I shouldn't be feeling this way...BUT I AM!!!

Like I said, look up anxious attachment , or anything on abandonment issues. Just to see if you relate. KNOWING what's going on and accepting the fact that it's causing pain in your life, is the first step.

BP is bi-polar. BPD people have mood swings that can happen very quickly. I can be so happy one min. and a boyfriend hurts my feelings (according to me...not him) and I crash and burn! Been working on not being so thin skinned! Good Luck!

I find it helpful to think of situations that place me in another's shoes. Some times in my own life are a 'pile on' of commitments, obligations, or just busy social timing--like a cluster of birthdays. This can feel like a hamster wheel that I can't keep up with, while other times I'm free to sail with no conflicts--and no takers.

So, rather than talk yourself into a spin of rejection in reaction to a delay, why not just trust the fact that you've put your desire out there, so it's known and can be answered when the timing is right for your friend?

Isn't that a far more liberating scenario that drilling yourself into an unnecessary emotional hole to climb our of?

Read my sig, and allow for mismatches in timing to work themselves out. Meanwhile, pursue other interests to occupy your focus. You will thank yourself later.

Head high.

Hi question2015,

How many friends / acquaintances do you hang out with on a regular basis? I find that, when we aren't connecting enough with others or our social life isn't thriving as much as we'd like to, others pick up on this. It's this vibe we project. Thus, some friends might feel pressured (can't think of a better word right now) that we are solely relying on them to have a good time. Granted not everyone is like that, it's just something to be aware of.

I hope this helps.