How can I stay strong?

We are 31 and 30. After a very 1.5 difficult relationship: he is a loving person but also a very mean person. I don’t know where i had the strength to keep going. Basically I thought that if i keep going, if i am generous, loving and show him how nice life can be he will reciprocate and we will make it.

I finally told him we should stop seeing each other because although we decided to live together from September while i was away he told me he doesn’t trust me and has doubts (at the beginning of our relationship he read my journal where i had wrote how much better another guy is than him - i was angry because he is sometimes quite a burden - anxious, problematic). He punished me in multiple ways for that episode and now he starts again, saying ty stuff to me and i asked him nicey to pick me up from the train station as i’ve been away and after saying yes he changed his mind. It’s just too much. I’ve put a lot of effort in understanding, loving him and yet not much is coming back. And he has been over time offensive to me, aggressive and mean. I feel bad.

What kept me here all this time was that he is a very physically affectionate person, he is faithful and against cheating and he is funny and when in a good mood makes me very happy.

I am struggling a lot and afraid i will relapse again. I don’t think he will change but I love him.

Well, it sounds like you could be in an emotionally abusive situation. You haven't gone into too much detail about that, but certainly accusing you of cheating and "punishing" you in various ways has the aspects of that. And certainly abusers do tend to act overly affectionate when they're in their loving phases, and that's what keeps you emotionally dependent on him while you wait for the few times he's kind. It creates confusion because abused people will interpret it as "he loves me, but ..." when in reality, they love abusing someone.

It's up to you. Google "emotional abuse" and "emotional dependency" and see if you see him and you in the results. If you feel you're being abused, hopefully recognizing it will put you on the path of leaving your boyfriend anf searching for true happiness in your life.

I think this relationships seems to have ran its course and sounds toxic.

I think this relationships seems to have ran its course and sounds toxic.

Agreed. Get out and move on.

He will not change. My ex was like this, and it only gets worse.

Being physically affectionate and funny should not trump treating you like crap otherwise. Neither should fidelity - that should be a given in a monogamous relationship.

I speak from experience when I say you are in for a lot more heartache if you stay.

How did the guy come across your journal, and what prompted him to read it?