A bigger problem.

This is my first time posting here so im not too sure what to expect . I am a 19 year old guy that has been in a relationship for 2 years with a girl the same age . Everything is going extremely well, we communicate and respect each other dearly , and face our problems head on and we love each other so much . But lately there has been this problem :

I enjoy smoking weed. mind you i only do when it is with my best friends , and only once or twice a month to have some fun. For the first year and a half that i was doing this my girlfriend was pretty silent about it and wanted nothing to do with it , until she wanted to have a serious talk with me. She explained to me that she had a horrible drug story in her family , and that every time i mentioned something about drugs of any kind she would feel hurt .

She told me all of these things , and she told me that Every time i go and smoke weed with my friends it hurts her extremely. After that i told her that i would not do it anymore to hurt her . But i feel extremely guilty , because a couple of months have passed and i am starting to want to expirience it again. For 5 months ive been giving my best friends fake excuses on why i "dont want to smoke right now" , because she didnt want anyone to know that she had a problem .

To recap i feel very guilty that i have this feeling of wanting to do it again, even though i love her so much and would never want to hurt her. Its been 6 months and i dont know where to turn except here for some help

Why don't you just tell your friends that "i decided that i don't want to smoke weed anymore. Maybe we could hang out doing something different." If they are true friends, they will decide to go to the movies with you or do something else and then smoke when you are not there. Or maybe it will make them decide its not worth doing. If they can't hang out without weed, get new friends. Or decide that you care about drugs more than the girlfriend and leave her so she can find someone drug free.

Thats not exactly the issue , because i still feel like i would want to smoke weed , the thing is i dont want to hurt my partner at all. And its also a once a month thing we hang out without weed mostly all the time

Thats not exactly the issue , because i still feel like i would want to smoke weed , the thing is i dont want to hurt my partner at all. And its also a once a month thing we hang out without weed mostly all the time

Abitbroken gave you good advice. You can't have your cake and eat it too. If you hang out with your friends all the time and don't smoke, then simply don't hang out with them the once or twice a month that you do go smoking. No one here is going to tell you to break your promise to your girlfriend and sneak out to smoke. Stick to your promise.

Unfortunately everyone has the right to their deal breakers. If hers is no drugs and she catches you doing it or lying, it's over. It seems you are incompatible because your values differ and you both feel compromised if either of you do what is right for you.

she wanted to have a serious talk with me. She explained to me that she had a horrible drug story in her family , and that every time i mentioned something about drugs of any kind she would feel hurt.

This shouldn't be your problem. If she has a history of family issues with drugs, then why did she even bother to date you? IMO this is not fair to you to be put in a position to ditch something that is part of your social life. It is alienating you from your friends. TBH I think your GF has been selfish and delusional right from the start. Now you are stuck between losing your friends or her. You should talk to her again, and come to a compromise. You should be able to have a puff with your friends a couple times a month AT LEAST. It's not like you are on meth or the crack pipe. Pot is becoming legalized like everywhere now...it's going to be common as alcohol. You never had a history of being an addict or arrested for out of control behavior...so she shouldn't be concerned at all.

If she digs in her heels, you have two choices..ditch the weed and your weed smoking friends or her.

If I had a BF tell me to put my beer down because he has a phobia about alcoholism....guess what I would choose......

What came first, the girl or the weed?

If the girl came first and this is a new thing for you, she absolutely has the right to be upset and to decide it’s a dealbreaker for her.

If the weed came first - she can still decide that it’s a dealbreaker for her, but she shares in some of the responsibility. You should never date someone hoping they will change.

Ultimately, though, sneaking around and lying is not the answer. You get to decide whether you are willing to quit for her or whether it’s important enough to you that you risk losing her. If you don’t quit, she gets to decide whether it’s a dealbreaker for her or whether it’s worth throwing away an otherwise good boyfriend (hopefully you are an otherwise good boyfriend lol) over something that occurs only once or twice a month.

There is no “right” or “wrong” - it’s a question about compatibility and how much you are each willing to compromise

What came first, the girl or the weed?

 

If the girl came first and this is a new thing for you, she absolutely has the right to be upset and to decide it’s a dealbreaker for her.

 

If the weed came first - she can still decide that it’s a dealbreaker for her, but she shares in some of the responsibility. You should never date someone hoping they will change.

 

Ultimately, though, sneaking around and lying is not the answer. You get to decide whether you are willing to quit for her or whether it’s important enough to you that you risk losing her. If you don’t quit, she gets to decide whether it’s a dealbreaker for her or whether it’s worth throwing away an otherwise good boyfriend (hopefully you are an otherwise good boyfriend lol) over something that occurs only once or twice a month.

 

There is no “right” or “wrong” - it’s a question about compatibility and how much you are each willing to compromise

She sat silent about it for a year and a half of their relationship...she waited to speak up. The pot came before the girl. Read my rant. She stayed with him hoping he will change.