Boyfriend Acting Very Distant, Feeling Confused And Hurt

Hello everyone, this is my first time here. Sorry if this is long. I'm desperate for some insight on my current situation.

I love my boyfriend very much, but I feel conflicted. We are both college students and since it's the summertime, I am at my parents house. We haven't been able to see each other for an entire month even though I'm only 2 hours away and offer to stay with him over the weekends.

He always says he is busy and sometimes even ignores me for days with the excuse of being stressed out from work or other issues. He also doesn't answer my calls so I've stopped trying. We only keep in contact the past few weeks through texting, which can be very inconsistent. Some days he might send only one text and not reply until the next day. Other days we have decent back and forth conversations or he may even skip days altogether.

Recently he always says negative things like how he doesn't deserve me or that he is nothing or he is unworthy of love or that I will eventually just get tired of him. I always reassure him that I truly love him and want us to always be together, but nothing seems to make him stop putting himself down.

I even asked him bluntly if he wanted me to break up with him because he's been saying so many negative things and pushing me away, but he completely disregarded my message and started talking about unrelated things like what type of house I would like and how he wouldn't mind if I were to be an "expensive wife" someday. I just don't understand his behavior at all.... Does he not care about me anymore and just waiting for the relationship to fizzle out? Or is he truly that insecure? I don't know what to do or what to think ☹️

I think 1) its okay to not see your boyfriend for a month during the summer when you are constantly together during the school year 2) if he says "he doesn't deserve you" etc, he is most likely trying to get YOU to break up with him so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

I would stop offering to sleep over. In fact I would not offer anything at all and stop texting him. Try to see if it was that you were just smothering him (every time he talked to you it was "i can come out tomorrow. I can come out Sunday. I can come out wednesday") in otherwords, get involved with your own work, friends, family and don't wait by the phone.

Maybe if you get involved in your own stuff, he will come back around --- or not.

Thank you for your advice. I was worried about the same thing, how he might only be saying such things as a way to get me to be the one to end the relationship, which is why I decided to ask him about it that one time (which he avoided the topic)

This doesn't sound like a real relationship. He's at best sending you conflicted messages and at worse trying to phase you out. I think you have to ask yourself if this is how a person who loves you would treat you. You deserve better than his wishy washy behavior. Also, it's very disrespectful that he disregarded you trying to talk about the state of your relationship. I would try to confront him maybe one more time, over the phone I suppose since he isn't taking time to meet you, and if he dodges you again, end it. Nothing will improve if he doesn't care enough to acknowledge your complaints.

I thought it was really strange how he avoided my question of if he was wanting to break up. I would think he could have said so bluntly if that's what he wanted, but that makes me think maybe he really is very insecure. He has always given me the impression of being the kind of guy with low self confidence

I thought it was really strange how he avoided my question of if he was wanting to break up. I would think he could have said so bluntly if that's what he wanted, but that makes me think maybe he really is very insecure. He has always given me the impression of being the kind of guy with low self confidence

If he was a guy with low confidence, he would be paying extra special attention to the relationship to make sure that he didn't lose it. Don't fool yourself here. When someone tells you that you are too good for them, it's usually because they are jerking you around.

If he was a guy with low confidence, he would be paying extra special attention to the relationship to make sure that he didn't lose it. Don't fool yourself here. When someone tells you that you are too good for them, it's usually because they are jerking you around.

That's exactly what I thought.. using that line just seemed like an easy way to break up without looking bad :/ but I wish he would bluntly say so. I know he's warned me about being really busy with grad school and internships even over the summer and has told me before he "loves and cares about me even though he might not always be able to show it". I just really want to have some kind of hope that he isn't playing games with me, but I just feel like I'm the lowest on his priority list

I've been in a relationshup where similar behavior occurred. I was always lowest on his priority list, and when I'd bring up how I felt, he often tried to make me out to be the bad guy. Turned out that he simply wasn't as committed to our relationship as I was.

What you want isn't ridiculous. Spending time in person and talking with your significant other are basic needs that everyone has in romantic relationships. Likely, he wants out and doesn't want to hurt you. Worse case scenario, he is keeping you on a string while he does whatever the wants during the summer, and intends to return to being a participant in the relationship when the school year starts again. I'm sorry, OP, but it's time to let this guy go.

I appreciate all of your advice. It's really hard accepting these type of things, but I'm going to just stop putting in any kind of effort for now. I've never actually expressed all my concerns up front. I've always tended to mention things I don't like in subtle ways but clearly that hasn't worked at all. I think if he reaches out to me I'll try one more time to talk it out

No problem. Direct conversation that is non-accusatory is definitely the way to go, if you haven't tried that route. Just be prepared for him to turn it on you again. Know what you want and don't accept less. It's a tough lesson, but your love alone is not enough. Effort needs to come consistently from both sides for a relationship to function.

I think this relationship is likely coming to an end, unfortunately.

It seems he doesn't yet have the courage to tell you, but his actions (or lack thereof) are speaking very loudly. As the others have suggested, step back for a couple weeks and see what happens. If nothing changes and he doesn't start taking some initiative, I think you're going to have to be direct and ask him what is happening, and prepare yourself to walk away.

Sorry to hear this. He's ending the relationship using the slow-fade method. He's hoping you get the "busy" and no response message and pull the plug yourself so he can just say, "OK".

He always says he is busy and sometimes even ignores me for days with the excuse of being stressed out from work or other issues.he always says negative things like how he doesn't deserve me or that he is nothing or he is unworthy of love or that I will eventually just get tired of him.

I might have a different idea. I think you should develop the courage to communicate directly what your needs are.

He's depressed and you aren't communicating your needs with him. You're ignoring your problems and this understandably causes distance between you two. While it's certainly possible he's fading you out, I don't think most people deliberately do that. There's another possibility that he's not courageous enough to break up with you, or is conflicted / guilty about the idea, but I'm in the camp that you should assume that isn't the case and at least try by improving your own communication skills.

Like many guys with relationship/commitment issues, he can’t commit either way – can’t commit to staying and can’t commit to leaving/breaking up, even when you ask.

Either decision causes extreme discomfort and anxiety for a variety of reasons (even when they're the ones who want out).

My brother is a CP so I know how this goes.

So they sort of wobble, sending mixed messages, behaving hot and cold or otherwise treating you poorly until you end it. Some simply ghost to avoid any discomfort about making a decision at all.

He’s an avoider, google it.

Best to stay away from men like this, they will drive you literally crazy (if you allow them to).

Please don’t allow it. You deserve better than this, we all do.

Thank you for your input everyone! I do know that he has depression and anxiety issues,

which is something I forgot to include in the original post. He takes lots of medications everyday to cope with these problems, but I'm not sure if that would influence his behavior towards me / the relationship as I don't have any experience in that area. I'm torn between spilling all of my feelings to him or backing away for a while to see if he ever comes around

Thank you for your input everyone! I do know that he has depression and anxiety issues,

which is something I forgot to include in the original post. He takes lots of medications everyday to cope with these problems, but I'm not sure if that would influence his behavior towards me / the relationship as I don't have any experience in that area. I'm torn between spilling all of my feelings to him or backing away for a while to see if he ever comes around

What's worse, the inevitable fade-out of your relationship, or you actually talking to him about what you need

When people go to their first year of college, sometimes they do stay separate for the summer - they go off and travel or hang with family for a month or two and resume during the school year. i wouldn't peg this guy with "commitment issues" - he is young. its out of sight out of mind. I think for HER sanity - fading right now is fine to save her the grief of not hearing what she wants to hear from him UNTIL she can get the gumption up to be direct.