Was cheated on in the first few days, found out 4 years later, now what?

Ok so i need advice since im going crazy...

It all started 4 and a half years ago, we met and started going on dates, after 3 weeks we started to get close and we kissed. Now i have found out that she slept with a friend a few days after our first kiss and things were never the same. She was still hanging out for a month with him, i told her that i didnt mind them hanging out if they never had anything sexual or romantic. What hurts the most are the lies. I cant understand the situation, i feel like that the last 4 years of my life have been a complete lie. We had a good relationship, but i always had the feeling that something was off. She was constantly pulling away and not giving a 100%, because of the guilt. She told me that she felt bad about it everyday. She never had a serious relationship before me, she was 17 and i was 22 when we met.

The more i go through in my mind, i cant decide between two options:

Frist one is that i should leave her, get over it and forgive her for my own sake

Second one is that i should try to forgive her and try again, but i am wondering if i can ever get over this feeling of betrayal. I still have strong feelings for her.

Another question is does it make it worse or better that she did this in the first few days, we never said that we were a couple when it happened, but it was a turning point in our relationship and we both felt it, since otherwise i wouldnt feel like this and she wouldnt feel guilt

I see her side of the story, that it was a one time thing, that she didnt really enjoy it, he was her only friend in a dark time in her life and to some extent i felt that he took advantage of the situation.

So please any advice would be appreciated.

End it.

She proved herself to be a cheater and a liar and a manipulator. She did this early on and has only been pulling the wool over your eyes ever since.

What kind of girl dates one man and sleeps with another both at the same time?

You can do better, OP.

End it.

 

She proved herself to be a cheater and a liar and a manipulator. She did this early on and has only been pulling the wool over your eyes ever since.

What kind of girl dates one man and sleeps with another both at the same time?

 

You can do better, OP.

When you ask what kind of a girl i should give more context.

When we met she was at an all time low, confused and alone. She had troubles in school and with her mother(her father is living 2000km away since she was 5).

I get what you are saying, but i always think about two sides. One that she doesnt think about anyone else than herself and the other is that she is very confused. Even when she was single she has a hard time saying no to sex. Ive talked to her and she kinda confessed that she could never feel good about herself unless someone was hitting on her. I was the only person who treated her as a person instead of only looking at her body and i think she came to realize that a little too late.

I know im in a bad place right know and i dont really see things the way they are, so thanks for all the advice :)

I don't think it's necessary to end it, if there is some time away from each other.

You are both very young. We all make mistakes and she has acknowledged it. Forgiveness and acceptance will come if you take time away and both of you still see that you want to be with each other.

Sorry to hear this. How did you find out? You weren't dating exclusively when you kissed. If you can't let something this insignificant go, it's best to break up rather than hold a grudge, hold it over her head and feel betrayed and distrustful. She apologized for something she did virtually as a kid years ago. Accept it or break up.

i have found out that she slept with a friend a few days after our first kiss. i always had the feeling that something was off. she was 17 and i was 22 when we met.

I don't think you need to end it. It was early on, and she was very young. The parts about her troubles life are no excuse though.

If you think that you can forgive her - maybe through counseling - then give it another go. You cannot through this up in her face again.

What kind of girl dates one man and sleeps with another both at the same time?

Many women and men do this while dating, called multidating or being single. It is not for some, although this is common.

I can understand the concern if there was an agreement to be exclusive or in a relationship, and then she sleeps with/sees the friend. However, if you or her failed to bring this discussion up before this happened, then it is unreasonable to expect a single person to act taken.

If you want or expect exclusivity at a particular time, then ask for it next time if it hasn't been brought up yet. Otherwise, as the saying goes, expectations are future disappointments.

Many women and men do this while dating, called multidating or being single. It is not for some, although this is common.

 

I can understand the concern if there was an agreement to be exclusive or in a relationship, and then she sleeps with/sees the friend. However, if you or her failed to bring this discussion up before this happened, then it is unreasonable to expect a single person to act taken.

 

If you want or expect exclusivity at a particular time, then ask for it next time if it hasn't been brought up yet. Otherwise, as the saying goes, expectations are future disappointments.

Well the problem i have with this is, that when we met we talked about our views on love, dating and relationships in general before we had anything going on. Im the sort of person when i get excited about someone, i dont feel much attraction to other people. She stated on many occasions that she feels the same way and dislikes casual sex, but those were lies. Later on i found out that this was not the case. Its not so much that she had sex with a friend when we were dating, but more the lies, why say things like this when you act in a different manner. I would never look down on things if she was upfront about it. I know that she was young but she knew she was doing something wrong, otherwise she wouldnt feel guilty and she said she does and did for the whole relationship. I really want to understand why, if it was a stupid mistake ok, we all make them, i can get over them, but if its simply that she didnt care, well i dont want to be with a person like that, because if thats the case she played me for a complete fool, which i still dont understand why since she had nothing to gain. I dont understand why act like this than stay in a relationship for 4 years.

Again thanks for all the advices, they make me think! :)

She may have thought her past sexual history was none of your business, which it isn't. She feels guilty because you are upset about finding out. Did she continue to sleep with him/lie etc after you became exclusive? People who are on first dates pontificating about ideals is common. Did she say it was 'casual sex" with him? Was he actually a bf?

She may have thought her past sexual history was none of your business, which it isn't. She feels guilty because you are upset about finding out. Did she continue to sleep with him/lie etc after you became exclusive? People who are on first dates pontificating about ideals is common. Did she say it was 'casual sex" with him? Was he actually a bf?

She said that it only happened once, but i dont know if i believe this. They were friends as far as i know. Since she invited me to hang out with them and a few other friends a couple of times, i dont think they were dating. He was supposedly in love with her bestfriend. She did say it was casual, she said she doesnt even know why she said yes to have sex in the first place. Well i cant know if she lied about more things about him, i just cant but they didnt seem in love at all.

You met when you were both very very young, completely immature and have a lot of growing up to do. 4 years later, you are still very young and still growing up and maturing.

At the time you met and started dating, there is always that time period where you might be building a connection but you are not committed to each other. You might be the kind of a person who will focus exclusively on one person immediately, most people don't operate that way. Basically, I wouldn't even consider this cheating as such. I think it would serve you better to focus on the years you've actually been together - has it been a happy, healthy relationship? Have you two been loyal to each other? Do you both have an easy time getting long with each other? Have you built the kind of strong trusting relationship to where now you both feel safe and comfortable with being honest with each other? Do you both have the same life goals and do you see a future together or have you begun to outgrow this relationship?

Regarding honesty and lies, everyone lies. In order for people to be honest with you, they have to be able to trust that you can handle the truth and that's something you earn over time, if you demonstrate an even temper when you hear what you don't want to hear. Keep in mind also, not just for romantic relationships but in every walk of life, that when you express very strong views and opinions about how you are or how you feel things should be, people will opt to lie and agree with you rather than disagree and get into conflict with you. You kind of set the stage for that, so be careful and be conscious that you don't have that affect on people. Also, a lot of people out there are simply people pleasers - they have a weak sense of self and will mold themselves to fit whoever they happen to be with. It doesn't them bad people, btw. However, it can be ironically difficult to be with someone like that, so it's up to you to decide if you want them or not.

Well the problem i have with this is, that when we met we talked about our views on love, dating and relationships in general before we had anything going on. Im the sort of person when i get excited about someone, i dont feel much attraction to other people. She stated on many occasions that she feels the same way and dislikes casual sex, but those were lies. Later on i found out that this was not the case. Its not so much that she had sex with a friend when we were dating, but more the lies, why say things like this when you act in a different manner. I would never look down on things if she was upfront about it. I know that she was young but she knew she was doing something wrong, otherwise she wouldnt feel guilty and she said she does and did for the whole relationship. I really want to understand why, if it was a stupid mistake ok, we all make them, i can get over them, but if its simply that she didnt care, well i dont want to be with a person like that, because if thats the case she played me for a complete fool, which i still dont understand why since she had nothing to gain. I dont understand why act like this than stay in a relationship for 4 years.

 

Again thanks for all the advices, they make me think! :)

I wouldn't really call that a lie. She could very well not be attracted to this friend and disliked the sexual encounter. I admit, I have with a friend as well because I have needs. I get horny too. It was someone I knew who was safe and I would never fall for although, when it got down to it, it wasn't particularly as satisfying as it would be in comparison to a relationship partner. Statistically, sex is more satisfying with a romantic partner rather than with a casual friend/acquaintence, due to rapport, understanding, and how much a partner wants to please the other.

You are unintentionally putting your partners on a pedistal. Humans will be human. To err is to be human. I wouldn't per se classify your gf making a mistake with her friend, but I'm saying everyone has flaws. You have flaws and she has flaws. As pointed out, it seems you are making her feel guilty about it when she did nothing wrong after four whole years later, just because you two were talking about ideals at the time. That's insane. Btw they're called ideals for a reason. This isn't a perfect world. Four years is a long time to be with someone, especially while young, and you're willing to throw it all away just because of this? It was years ago.

I think you should let this go. Why does this fact matter now? It doesn't change her as a partner. It's not like she's been having more casual sex, since she's been with you and is faithful. Is everything else in the relationship ok? This just seems as if you are grasping at straws trying to find a way out, or you are overreacting.

She didn’t cheat as you were nota couple and had made no vows to be exclusive at this point.

If you want to secure exclusive access to a date in future then that’s something you should discuss and agree on when you meet, though you might find that this restricts your dating pool a great deal. Some may see that as a sign of insecurity or a red flag.

I was told by an ex, before we even met, that if I was to date him I would not be allowed to date anyone else. If I was told this by someone now, they wouldn’t even get to the first meet.

I don’t think it’s fair for you to hold this against your gf when there was no exclusivity conditions set at that point. If you think you can’t get over it though you should end things as it’s not fair to your gf.