Is this the end for us?

Hi,

I really need some advice I have never done this before and dont know how this forum works but this is fresh for me and I am really hurting so really not looking for someone to give me any unkind words.

I have been with my partner for the last 8 months prior to this I was in a really bad relationship for 4 years and it was hell. My new partner has been amazing and really showed me what a relationship should be he has been amazing too me. He has a 9 year old daughter and it was hard for me to get into a relationship with someone who already had children because I really want children one day and kind of wanted to experience it for the first time with someone but I accepted it and he is a very good dad and I ended up admiring him more for it.

Last night I found a photo of a young girl and on the back he had wrote on it. It turns out it is his child a different child that I did not know about I done some more digging and found out he fathered this child some 12 years ago and from what I know there relationship ended really badly and she uped and moved away.... I am in shock I never knew he had another daughter I am so hurt that he didnt tell me because we talked about one day starting a family of our own, I cant help but think how could you not tell me? and of course alarm bells are ringing why are you no longer involved in this childs life?

I didnt mention it when he got home last night because I have a tendency to get carried away with my feelings and was in shock so I just said I felt ill and went to sleep so I could think about how to address it with him. When I woke up he tried to touch me and I pushed him off and said why didnt you tell me you had another child he didnt say anything just sat in silence and I got up and ran out of the house. I know he has had some struggles in life and I know he is a good person but how did this happen? What do I do now?

It could be a very sore spot for him that he does not see this child. Maybe see it from his perspective? Plus he already knows you’re distressed about the child he already has . So why mention another one?

But, seriously every time you have a child it is very special . It is no less special because they are your first child or your 10th . Married couples who have multiple children don’t find the experience any less special because a child was second, third or fifth . Know what I mean?

How did you find out about this child and the mother? After dating only 8 mos perhaps he wanted to wait until things were more serious to discuss this other child. It sounds as though it was a painful situation. Why not just ask him about it?

Hey Guys,

Thanks so much for the responses I really appreciate it as I have been going out of my mind all day thinking all sorts, on the photo I found he had wrote on it to his daughter saying how much he loved her and missed her that he thinks about her everyday and hes sorry he let her and her mum down and if she ever wanted to get in contact with his address - I dont know if he sent it, if it was returned ect. I left this morning and havent heard from him since I havent tried to contact him either I guess I have brought up old wounds and he is upset. I understand he didnt want to tell me as we havent been together long I just feel like I dont know him now as if we have kind of been living a lie would he have ever told me? Can I have children with someone who doesnt see one of his children? Seraphim thanks for your comments about having children its nice to know that someone wouldnt feel any less if it wasnt there 1st child and maybe I am just selfish in thinking that.

It comes from inexperience. Do you have siblings ? If so are you loved any less or are you any less special because you have siblings or that someone was born before you?

But really if he wrote that on the back that picture he is really suffering for missing his child . Imagine someone taking your child from you and you can’t see them ? How much would that hurt your heart ? Maybe he was not ready to deal with that yet . Things like that have to be dealt with on the other person’s time that’s their pain not yours . Right?

I dated someone years ago that at about the 6 mo mark, he shared with me had a daughter. His timing for telling me was that at 7 years old, the mother was just now getting around to suing for child support. I don't know if he would have told me other wise. Much like you, I had a hot mix of reactions. I am a mother as well and I couldn't fathom failing to mention that you have a child.

Fast forward, 10 years later I am involved with another man who after several months felt safe enough to confide to me that he had a daughter who was a young adult at this point. He had two grown sons from a previous marriage and as much as he wanted to do the right thing was ashamed to tell them and could not anticipate the financial or emotional fallout if he brought this daughter into the mix. But it weighed on him heavily. She never pressed for it either so he just left it alone. They met a couple times after she sought him out and they exchanged emails routinely.

Anyway. . .having said all this, I don't have a perfect answer for you.

Having been through this more than once, I was a little more open minded about it the second time. There are usually very complicated reasons why someone handles this situation they way they do. Sometimes it's for some wrong, self serving reasons and sometimes not. Sometimes these men did not have a choice in the matter and sometimes didn't even know they existed. Its just not black and white.

My suggestion. . if you care for this guy then just hear him out and make an informed decision.

What ever you decide will be right by you. But just give it some careful consideration first.

Boy, you made this about yourself. You made him feel like crap in what was obviously a very sad event in his life. Somehow it's his fault that he had a daughter and didn't tell you about it? And you were digging around in his private stuff to find this out?

You should be apologizing profusely to him for breaking his trust and for prying into his private affairs, and for treating him poorly. If you were in his position, you probably would have broken up with him immediately for the reasons I mentioned. If you really love him, you should be begging him to take you back and forgive you and hope he would consider it.

How exactly did you come across this picture? Was it laying out for you to look at?

And what does you having/not having children with him in the future have to do with him having another daughter? That doesn't impact anything about you. The circumstances surrounding his daughter may have to do with the mother of the child being an unreasonable person and all he can do is keep the lines of communication open to his child so that when the day comes that she wants to reach out, she knows where he is.

You could have just asked him instead of letting your imagination run wild and then reproaching him the next morning---that could be why he's incommunicado with you. Your snooping gave him every reason to rethink your relationship, which is probably what he is doing right now.

I completely co-sign DanZee--you need to be on an apology campaign right now. You had no right to check him for something that you found out about by prying and snooping.

With this guy, you are going to have to wrap your head around the fact that children are not going to be a new experience with him and you are going to have to either get over it or find a guy who doesn't have children.

Pro tip: after a certain age, lot of people have had children, so those who have not had them become more scarce in your age group as time goes on because people live lives.