Insecure Boyfriend, Need some advice!

I have been dating this amazing. We met and started off casual but we weren't seeing other people. Now we have been together for 6 months. He is very insecure about his appearance, says he isn't good enough and I'm blinded by his ugliness and I want other guys always. He thinks if an attractive guy came a long I would take them. He also thinks I look at other guys, talk to them behind his back and that has caused me to always look at the ground whilst walking with him. He's a personal trainer, so we gym a lot together and he assumes I look at guys there and tries to catch me out. He also has interrogated me about my past heaps of times and tries to make sure I'm not some "s l u t" or anything which I'm not. But he asks graphic stuff about the guys I have been with and whether he has been the first for countless sexual things. I tell him that he is but he denies it and says I am probably into weird stuff too. He has been called ugly in the past and has been compared to his brother a lot by his family which puts him down. I always try and reassure him. When I am not with him which is rarely he asks for photo reassurance and I give it to him. We are also 10 years apart too. I went away for a month overseas and he was worried I would hook up with people on the tour bus etc... I stay so loyal to him and he still questions me. One time he accused me of smiling at a guy in the elevator even though I didn't. We have been fighting almost daily this whole month over my past, his issues and how he sees himself. I tell him he's the best out of everyone and he doesn't believe me. I am finding it very hard. He's recently said he wants to die, he's stressed at work because he stresses over what I'm up to. Its becoming a real struggle for me and I feel drained. When it's good its good and when its bad I feel so down and almost sick to my stomach... Don't know what to do.:(

You dump him, that is what you do. And when you tell him why, you tell him that you cannot deal with his insecurities. You should not have to prove anything to a partner who is covering up his own issues by making you the potentially bad person. He should not get into a relationship until he is happy with himself, and if he is that insecure, then he is not happy with himself.

Go find someone that is happy and who can accept you for who you are without having to question every move.

Though I have felt the need to lie about my past which has caused him to take his issues further. I know I am in the wrong because of that. But he delve all the way into me wanting validation from guys on instagram or having Tinder matches as friends on Facebook. Though he has given me so much and I have to him...

That sounds so incredibly toxic.

He can't be happy in a relationship because of his insecurities.

You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who can't be happy in a relationship.

Because if you are in a relationship with an unhappy person it will make you unhappy.

So, stay with him or be happy...

It will only get worse. When you can't walk down the street without being questioned about looking at someone else. Then he will start checking your phone, and eventually controlling everything you do. How long are you prepared to put up with it?

It will only get worse. When you can't walk down the street without being questioned about looking at someone else. Then he will start checking your phone, and eventually controlling everything you do. How long are you prepared to put up with it?

How controlling will this guy eventually get?

Because you condone his behavior by letting him be so over-the-top and obsessive with his control over you. It will only get worse.

And that indeed he has, my phone, my messages, my browser history. I didn't have anything to hide but he still checked. Even tried to get one of my friends to tell him what happened one night I was out drinking before I met him because he thinks I just hook up with anyone or anything.

He already wants to escape his day to day routine. Hates life and everything. His goal was to move away overseas and live alone with me. I am in the mean time studying because I am a student and have had past goals he doesn't approve of so I have chosen him for now over them because I love him.. Though I don't know whether that's a good idea.

This thread really made my hair stand on end... as to what you do... RUN, don't walk, to the nearest exit.

This guy is an emotionally abusive control freak and if you stay with him it will really harm you. You are already feeling physically unwell and in your posts it sounds like you're starting to get depressed, too. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE how damaging staying with someone like this can be, and you've only witnessed the start of it. If you were to live alone with him you'd soon find you were effectively a captive. Losing sight of your own goals because he doesn't approve of them isn't love, it's about diminishing yourself because you're worried about upsetting him if you don't. In other words, he doesn't want you to do anything which would make you less dependent on him and therefore less controllable. In loving relationships each partner supports the other in achieving their ambitions.

You also need to sort out in your own mind what's your stuff to deal with, and what's his.

For example, if he gets annoyed because he thinks you're looking at other guys - that's his problem. If this then means that you feel permanently anxious when you're out, and keep looking at the ground in case he misinterprets your actions - that's become your problem.

He's stressing at work because he fears losing control, and instead of looking at himself and freeing himself of his insecurities - he's blaming you for them. It's important to realise that you can't make someone like this feel better, any more than you can eat or sleep for them. He needs to deal with all this himself.

You may find this link interesting, or just do a Google search on "emotional abuse" and see if you can relate to it. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling

Good luck!

Is this the same guy? Tell your friends and family what's going on. He sounds like an abusive control freak. read up on red flags for abusive relationships and tell your parents about this.

08-15-2016: He's in the army and I'm just visiting here. I'm leaving in about 2 weeks time from today back home to New Zealand. we are both quite young this year being our first year out of high school

Nutbrownhare is 100% correct, this goes way, way beyond your boyfriend being just insecure. He is emotionally abusive and controlling, he has deep rooted issues (probably stemming from his childhood and maybe being at the very least only emotionally abused as a child, conditioned to never feel good enough), and this is something no amount of love and loyalty you (or anyone else) might be giving him will fix. This is the job for a professional, if he chose to get that kind of help, which I'm guessing he doesn't see the need for.

No matter how loyal you'll be, he will always accuse you of cheating, and things will escalate. As pointed above, this is only the beginning, things will get worse.

I luckily only dated one man like that, and I was a bit older than you are so knowing the impact that experience had on me, I can only imagine the impact it'll have on you, being younger. I will only say this to you, and I hope you believe me: that thing where you are afraid to look up, and you walk only looking at the floor.....it will continue for months (or maybe longer) after you are finally rid of him. Because it really sticks with you, and affects you on levels you have no idea exist. Before you realize what's happening, you're scarred for life!

He is wanting to move away in a secluded place and live only with you because he wants to isolate you from the rest of the world and people who care about you, so that you become dependent 100% on him. No other reason.

So this is not something to take lightly, and try to pass as him being insecure. It's so much more than that, and so much more dangerous, that you need to listen and get out of this "relationship" as quickly as possible. I know all about "when it's good it's great", we all feel that way in toxic relationships, but believe me - the bad far outweighs the good, and nothing you do will be able to reassure him or change the way things are, because like I said, the problem is not you, it's him and his deep seeded psychological issues.

Think long and hard about this, and don't underestimate how grave the situation is.

No matter how loyal you'll be, he will always accuse you of cheating, and things will escalate.

This ^^^. I used to think that if you had an insecure partner, all you had to do was show them you were loyal and not do anything to upset them and the insecurity would go away... WRONG!!!! This is because the insecurity is within them, not you doing anything wrong, and once you've given up part of yourself to please them they will continue to demand, restrict and control - and you can really lose yourself in a relationship like this.

And they will still be insecure.

And that indeed he has, my phone, my messages, my browser history. I didn't have anything to hide but he still checked. Even tried to get one of my friends to tell him what happened one night I was out drinking before I met him because he thinks I just hook up with anyone or anything.

Ask yourself the hard question -what do you get out of his treating you like a child, a prisoner? Does it seem "masculine" to you -does it seem "protective" - do you like that you have excuses not to go out with your friends "sorry, he wouldn't like it if I went to that party -have fun!" -some people do, some people like being controlled. Do you feel that his controlling behavior shows he cares or that he loves you? Ask yourself because you seem stable and yet you're tolerating this type of treatment. The answers will help you figure out why you're having a hard time moving on.

No it’s someone different!

He treats you like property.

You really need to get away from this guy.

Once he alienates you from everyone and everything he doesn't filter and has complete control I imagine you will see a change for the worse.

You need to get out of this guy's clutches now before you are in a very scary place.

Yeah. I guess you’re right. Though it’s so hard too and I guess me being younger effects a bit of the situation. I can feel my love even starting to diminish on days. Though he just spent a ton for me on birthday 2 days ago I feel guilty to leave him or not try to help. Even though I’m doing my best possible now. He admits it’s him and that he also has had therapy but it hasn’t work. Says most girls have run from him and I’m the one who has stayed. His ex had an eating disorder so it took the attention off him to her I think that’s why they lasted for over a year

There’s not a day without a fight either. The intimacy and knowing each other/humour and everything matches. Which is the sad part. We got into a fight before about my past history with guys, even though I lied to him and I was caught cos he remembers everything he threatens to break up. I know that’s my fault. Shouldn’t lie to someone with trust issues etc.

Yeah he does the same to me too. As far as he cancels going out to town etc drinking. We don’t do that. My friends don’t drink or clubbing, his friends do and try pick up girls. He knows I wouldn’t be comfortable and would feel the same in roles reversed. Said he’s losing his friends. Then I feel guilty. Try tell him to meet new friends.

I tend to think that I couldn’t find anyone better. Because he gives me his all + insecurity’s etc weigh me down. It’s matter of yeah how long I can stay. As I’m 20 and he is 30.

Says most girls have run from him and I’m the one who has stayed.

Do not allow yourself to be manipulated into staying with him by this; your guilt is keeping you trapped in a situation which you already know is damaging you. Spending loads of money on you is manipulative, too, with this kind of guy.

There's a good reason why those girls ran, and any healthy girl would do likewise. Until he really, really takes responsibility for his own actions he will continue like this; even though you're very kind and well-intentioned you're allowing him to.

Unless you 2 are both into BDSM, he's brainwashing you more like dog obedience school than a relationship. Did you run away from home or have problems there? Your last bf/situation was almost as bad.

How is he "amazing?" There is nothing good about his behavior as it is manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive. This sounds horrible.

Get out of this. The relationship is sick and dysfunctional. he needs a lot of help, that would require years of therapy. He still may not change.

You will never be able to prove yourself to this guy.

My question, why have you tolerated this any of this? You should have dumped him long ago.

Yeah. I guess you’re right. Though it’s so hard too and I guess me being younger effects a bit of the situation. I can feel my love even starting to diminish on days. Though he just spent a ton for me on birthday 2 days ago I feel guilty to leave him or not try to help. Even though I’m doing my best possible now. He admits it’s him and that he also has had therapy but it hasn’t work. Says most girls have run from him and I’m the one who has stayed. His ex had an eating disorder so it took the attention off him to her I think that’s why they lasted for over a year

You cannot help him. He is the only one who can help himself.

You need to follow the other girls example. Get away from this guy. He is very unstable.

have you told your family and friends about this behavior.? If not, you need to.

Yeah. I guess you’re right. Though it’s so hard too and I guess me being younger effects a bit of the situation. I can feel my love even starting to diminish on days. Though he just spent a ton for me on birthday 2 days ago I feel guilty to leave him or not try to help. Even though I’m doing my best possible now. He admits it’s him and that he also has had therapy but it hasn’t work. Says most girls have run from him and I’m the one who has stayed. His ex had an eating disorder so it took the attention off him to her I think that’s why they lasted for over a year

Oh my.....this is straight out of the "how to manipulate others" manual that all these people seem to have. On the one hand he is destroying you and your self esteem, thus you are starting to think you can't do better than him. On the other hand, he flatters your ego in an underhanded kind of way - you are sooooo special, only one who will put up with my psychosis and the abuse I dole out at you. Translation for you: you are special as in special kind of stupid to put up with my abuse, control and manipulative games. OP, guys like this one do not have any respect whatsoever for their victims. They really do see you as stupid, while you are busy feeling sorry for them. You feeling sorry for him is just another brainwashing, manipulative victory of his. Making himself out to be a poor little victim, while you are the bad guy. Classic.

Please just dump him, block and delete him from everywhere. Tell your family, friends, people at work. You will need all the help and support you can get to get rid of him. He isn't a victim, you are.

OP, he knows exactly what he is doing. He chose you, as you are young and naive. He also chose you, as you cannot recognize this as abuse, like the other girls did. Abusers know how to select their targets. It is very calculated.