How should I feel about this living arrangement with my younger sister?

I need someone to tell me if I’m being crazy, unreasonable, or hypersensitive. Please DO tell me if you think I’m not any of these things.

Early November 2017, circumstances forced my sister and I to move out of my mom’s boyfriend’s house. Long story short, he attempted Voyeurism on my sister and I by placing a spy-camera in our bathroom.

I’m (27) working as a Paraeducator at a Middle School which pays me $1,400 a month. My younger sister (24) works as a waitress/bartender at an upper-middle class restaurant where she gets tips on top of a base salary of $10/hr. She works many hours. Since she started working there she has been recognized several times and promoted to Guest Service Manager with $14/hour pay and she’ll still be bartending and getting tips. She is currently still working as a bartender but is in training for her new position.

Sad story. Despite what my mom’s boyfriend did to us, she still lives with him as a couple. My mom covers $1,300/month for our 2 bedroom apartment. Originally my mom had the impression I made more than my sister so she had me agree to pay: renters insurance, internet/cable, water/utilities & heat/electricity which fluctuates depending on usage. On top of that I pay for: my own car insurance, car payments, phone bill, school loan, gas and groceries with barely any money left for entertainment. My mom just had my sister pay her & my mom’s car insurance of $200/month. On top of that, my sister pays for: her gym membership, phone bill, gas & the rest goes to entertainment.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I got served the short end of the stick, because our apartment sucks up heat like crazy so it’s hard to keep it warm. When our first water/utilities & heat/electricity bill came to be over $200/month…I realized I wasn’t going to be saving any money. I texted my sister to help me with $55 for that month and she complained saying she had to pay for car insurance, phone bill, and her and my mom’s flight to LA so she could audition for The Voice. I told her my mom said she was going to pay her back & finally she responded, “fine”.

She just got a new boyfriend and for the past month and a half he’s been sleeping over 2-3 times a week. My sister only comes home 2-4 times a week because the other nights she sleeps over at other people’s houses. Am I crazy to feel bothered? They come home late around 12am-3am in the morning and it wakes me up because our walls are paper thin. When I leave in the morning to go to work, they stay until mid-afternoon when I come back from work. I know he showers here & they keep the heat on all night. I always turn the heat off at night because I’m under blankets. They use up towels like crazy & I’m assuming it’s because they use a new towel to have sex on each time. Washing towels requires water & electricity. I feel like a hotel. Am I being ridiculous? What do I do? My sister wants to move out by the end of the lease, so obviously she’s making good money and is saving. I feel like I’m being used.

Well, welcome to the real world. You're 27 and apparently you have no experience taking care of yourself. You're very lucky your mother is paying your rent. $200 a month is a bargain for heat and electricity. My electricity bill alone is close to $200! And home heating oil is about $600 a month during the winter ($3 a gallon for 200 gallons), so you're getting off cheap. I'm sorry that you barely have any money left over for entertainment, but when you're making $1400 a month, you have to pull your belt in real tight, live off ramen noodles, and cut your expenses to the bone.

Maybe you should get a waitressing job or a job at a store on weekends. Or maybe you should work toward a teaching degree, if that's what you majored in. You've got to up your game and make more money. You could make an extra $200 a week working nights and weekends at a store. And you should be looking for other jobs that will pay you more so you can make more money like your sister.

I think you're hinting that your sister should pay more money because she makes more money than you do, but that's not the way things are done. Since she's not there 3-5 nights a week, you have a pretty good deal. I don't know how you're being used by having to wash a few extra towels a week.

So you need to get real about living in the real world and accept your responsibility, and definitely look into getting a second job or finding a job that makes more money..

Everyone's situation is different right? I actually applied to Grad schools to become an Occupational Therapist & got rejected. So on top of working I'm also pursuing a 2nd Bachelors in Speech & Hearing Sciences all-online to pursue a different path. I just feel like working a second job would take away from my studies & make it nearly impossible for me to do as well in school as I'm doing now in order to apply to a competitive field.

Yes, I am implying my sister could pay more. I am having trouble understanding why I have to bend backwards in finances & cut my social life to a minimum while my sister can save money to move out & still be able to buy clothes nearly every month & have a thriving social life. Is it just because I'm the oldest sister that she's entitled to having less responsibilities? I mean all of her bills are fixed. Mines actually fluctuate depending on how much 2 and now possibly 3 people use in this apartment. I can't really save any money.

It's possible you are paying more expenses than your sister, but I don't think that's where it's helpful for you to focus. She will be moving out soon and you can do something totally different. It would be a great opportunity to look at your own dependency on your family for making ends meet and more. Your mom is modelling dependency to you ladies, and you can see how that has worked for her. She's staying in a bad situation rather than getting out, and you and your sis are still allowing her to pay your rent. Fact is, neither of you are entitled to that. And if you did not think you were, you wouldn't be feeling 'used' right now because rather than go through your mother, you could have signed a regular roommate agreement if you chose to live with your sister. Typically each is responsible for their own share of expenses.

There's just too much inter reliance amongst you ladies. But you could change your part in it if you like.

Excellent. That means you can easily afford a place with roommates to share expenses. That would solve your problems and not waste time on sibling rivalry and debating with your mother or sister. and living in a cramped situation complaining about them

I’m (27) working as a Paraeducator at a Middle School which pays me $1,400 a month.

If you think you'd get a better deal renting by yourself or finding a new place with roommates who aren't family, then I think you should definitely pursue that.

Not a whole lot of people, much less full-on 27 year olds, have the privilege of having any amount of their rent subsidized by their parents. Which isn't to say that I'm anything but happy you're afforded this reduced (or entirely paid for?) rent, but that maybe you should likewise look to what you actually have there rather than how much better you feel you feels others could or should provide for you.

My mom originally moved in with us so that's why we agreed she'd pay rent, I'd pay the bills, and my sister would pay her and my mom's car insurance. I'm Asian, I come from a collectivist culture where we all help each other out. My mom also wanted to help me out with rent until I finished my undergrad so that I'm not drowning in too much loans. That's why I feel used because my sister sees I'm paying more than I can take, and instead of chipping in more she's saying she doesn't earn much and saving up to move out...on my expense.

The way it works in my culture is that the parents support you until you have a good career going. Than the idea would be that I would take her in and help her in return.

The way it works in my culture is that the parents support you until you have a good career going. Than the idea would be that I would take her in and help her in return.

I might not be Asian, but in Spanish culture, we generally take our parents in and support them, only there's not some requirement they financially sponsor us for 30 years to somehow earn the benefit of getting taken care of later in life "in return." And I'm not criticizing "Asian" culture when I say that, but rather suggesting our cultures might actually be pretty similar in that regard and that perhaps you're missing the greater spirit of the practice, tranactionalizing it way beyond the intent.

So basically are you all just saying "Suck it up buttercup. Get a second job and lose sleep if you have to, but until your sister moves out you gotta deal with it?"

Why don't you do the same and make arrangements with your mother to that effect?

she's saying she doesn't earn much and saving up to move out.

I can't. My mom has debt to pay off from gambling so I can't ask more from her. I can't really save any either because I'm taking care of the bills (internet, renters insurance, water & electricity), my car payments, car insurance, saving up to pay off school loans, and gas and groceries. Basically, me paying everything is allowing for my sister to save up and move out.

Your sister is saving up money because she's elected to, by your admission, work long hours and gain her financial momentum more immediately. You've elected to pursue a second degree in the hopes that investment will pay off in the longer run. Your sister seems to be accepting the potential trade-off of not landing a lucrative career in the near future so that she can save up and be independent sooner than later. It's very clear that's not a goal that interests you (at least right now), which is fair enough, but that doesn't mean you're being slighted.

I can't. My mom has debt to pay off from gambling so I can't ask more from her. I can't really save any either because I'm taking care of the bills (internet, renters insurance, water & electricity), my car payments, car insurance, saving up to pay off school loans, and gas and groceries. Basically, me paying everything is allowing for my sister to save up and move out.

I was halfway through my senior year in high school and was told "deal with it".

I was given a couple weeks notice to find a new place to live and become 100% independent.

My sister (5 years older than me) tried to take advantage of me. I told her if she can't find a place to live then she can go to a homeless shelter.

When I was 27 I had a family. I had also been completely independent from my family for a decade.

I really don't understand the issue. You should have been taking care of yourself a long time ago.

Using your ancestral culture as an excuse to get taken advantage of seems silly.

Move out and get your own place if you think your sister is taking advantage of you. If you can't afford to because your mother is paying for some stuff, then guess what, stop complaining about unfairness when you are getting a monthly stipend from your mom.

But...

I would have nothing to do with a mother that excuses her boyfriend's sexual misconduct in regards to her children.

I wouldn't even take money from someone so pathetic as to stay with a perverted and deviant person like that.

As a 27 yo you can make all the choices you need to become independent. You are the one stopping that.

To be honest, you might be better off looking for a community of mid-20s folks who expect their parents to cover most or all their expenses. I don't think a whole lot of folks here are going to relate. Speaking personally, I've been financially independent in every way since 18, and my mother is still invited to stay with me for support whenever she needs.

I can't. My mom has debt to pay off from gambling so I can't ask more from her. I can't really save any either because I'm taking care of the bills (internet, renters insurance, water & electricity), my car payments, car insurance, saving up to pay off school loans, and gas and groceries. Basically, me paying everything is allowing for my sister to save up and move out.

If you were fully supporting yourself, you'd pay all those expenses as well as rent. Even with allowing for your sister not paying half of shared expenses, sounds like you are spending less than you are actually responsible for as an adult.

Please do not blame the culture you were raised in for your own sense of entitlement to having other people help support you . You are 27 years old and fully responsible for your own values and choices. I am familiar with collectivist cultures and being part of one does not necessitate personal feelings of entitlement. In fact, my fiancé grew up in a highly collectivist environment and yet this is one of his biggest pet peeves with people ( sense of entitlement). It is one of mine as well.