I messed up and now my partner doesn't want anything to do with me... please help

I just joined this forum because I don't know where else to turn.

Let me preface by saying that both of us have depression and my partner is suicidal, so please don't continue reading if that is triggering for you.

Last night, I hurt my partner when I decided to shower without them. I wrongly assumed that they didn't want to shower with me because we hadn't showered together for the past few days (they were on their period and didn't want to). I knew that they were upset, and asked to shower with them, but the damage had been done and they told me to go shower since I had already gotten ready. After we had showered (separately), they went to go sleep on the couch instead of in the bed. I went to go check on them and they told me that they didn't want to stain the bed, so they were going to sleep on the couch. I was confused, because even though I knew I had upset them, I didn't realize how bad I'd made them feel with that small action. So, I tried to ask them to come sleep in the bed, saying that I didn't want to be alone, which I now know was selfish to say...

This morning, I woke up and went back to the couch to check on my partner. They had ended up sleeping there and I slept in the bed. I asked them how they were doing and they said they were fine, but it was obvious they were still upset with me. We went through our typical morning routine, but separately, with me trying to make small talk and them either ignoring me or shrugging their shoulders. I know that they had a good reason to be upset, but at this point, I was starting to feel upset as well... it built up to the point that after a few hours of them evading me trying to talk to them that I broke down crying.

They came to me and asked me what was wrong, and it eventually turned to them telling me that I was being childish because I didn't ask them what I had done to hurt them, that I had went about the day as if nothing was wrong, and that I had made them feel like the villain because I kept trying to talk to them and ended up in tears when they didn't. I recognize all of this as manipulative behavior, and I'm regretful that I acted this way... especially because it's a behavior I've done before.

After this, I went back to doing homework while they moved to the couch (we were both in the bedroom before, but each doing our separate things). I checked social media and saw that they had posted about being suicidal: tweeting about whether they should kill themself today, about how they wanted to jump off the roof of the apartment complex but didn't only because they didn't want to scar the kids living here. Really concerned, I went to them and asked how they were doing. Still the same evasive, monotone, speech to me and they said they were fine. No matter what I asked they weren't going to talk to me.

Later, they changed clothes to go outside and before they were about to go I asked them where they were going. I was extremely concerned because they don't know the area well (they just moved in with me two months ago) and they can't drive. In addition, they were not bringing their phone or the apartment keys and would not tell me where they were going or how long they would be out. I was really scared that they were going to commit suicide and asked if they planned on coming back home. They just shrugged.

We sat on the couch for two hours because I blocked the door when they tried to go out... childish and rude maybe, but I was scared they were not going to come back if they left.. I said that they could go if they took their phone at least, or just told me how long they'd be out so I could expect them home. They wouldn't do any of this and this is why we ended up on the couch so long. We talked, but only because I kept asking them questions. This devolved into them telling me I was being really annoying and that I should stop trying to be friendly with them. They told me that they didn't care about me or what I thought, because I didn't care about them. They said we aren't friends, to which I said that we're more than friends, we're partners. They just shrugged.

I canceled my therapy appointment because I wanted to stay home and make sure that my partner wouldn't do anything rash to hurt themself. While I was in the bedroom just now typing this, they left the apartment without telling me. True to their word, they didn't take their phone, wallet, keys, or anything. I have no idea where they went or if they're going to be coming home tonight. I think they did take their credit card though, so I'm hoping they only went to the local gas station for some snacks... but I really have no idea.

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I'm so sorry for the long read, but I really don't know what to do. I love my partner and we had planned to be together long-term... we consider each other life partners, but now I don't think they think of me the same way. The problems we've had in the past are very similar to today: where I would hurt them by not considering their feelings in regard to a small action, and then when they wouldn't talk to me I would also become upset and have a breakdown. I know that it's wrong of me to do that... it's hard to keep my feelings neutral, I guess.

TL;DR - I hurt my partner to the point of them not even wanting to talk to me or care about me. They're suicidal and now they've left the apartment with no phone, car, or keys. I don't think they will take their life tonight, but I can't be sure. Please help.

Sorry, but why all the "they" and "them" instead of "he" or "she?" Is this a same sex relationship and, why would she get so upset about you not asking her to shower with you? Instead of blocking the door so they couldn't go out you should have also called your local mental health unit and gotten advice on how to get her into, at the very least, a 48 hour lock down in a psychiatric facility. Threatening suicide is something that the professionals should be handling.

Looking after her and trying to keep your emotions neutral is going to cause you to have a breakdown in no time at all if you keep this up. Not asking them to shower with you is no reason to be treated the way they have treated you so stop blaming yourself.

We both are transgender and use they/them instead of he/him or she/her pronouns. Even though they mentioned wanting to take their life, I'm not convinced that forcing them into a psychiatric facility would help... it seems like it would further exacerbate feelings of depression and worthlessness for them. The point was that they were upset I didn't consider their feelings; I know that the whole shower situation that started this is super trivial, but the root cause is that, which is my fault.

They're back at the apartment now, and things seem to be okay, but they still aren't talking to me no matter what I say. I feel like everything that could be said has been said and I'm not sure how I should proceed in regard to interactions...

She sounds like a drama queen with serious issues. All this over not asking someone to shower with you.

We sat on the couch for two hours because I blocked the door when they tried to go out... childish and rude maybe,

Not childish - abusive and illegal. You cannot block someone's access to exit a house, nor can you take away any means to call for help. If you were afraid she was suicidal, then you should have called 911, or instead of being avoidant, said "i saw what you posted on social media". Honestly, people don't post on social media that they are about to kill themselves - its a cry for help or their way of leaving the door open for them to be rescued if they do something.

Honestly, is this relationship worth it to you? IF someone is willing to create so much drama over taking a shower, do you want to be hostage to this situation and way of treatment? I hope your significant other is going to therapy. If they refuse, i would not stay in the relationship. Talk to your therapist about it. This is so unhealthy

I'm not convinced that forcing them into a psychiatric facility would help... it seems like it would further exacerbate feelings of depression and worthlessness for them.

It would prevent a suicide attempt and might bring about the help that is actually needed, however.

You did nothing wrong. I can't imagine this situation. Is this person on any sort of medication, or under the care of a doctor?

"Honestly, is this relationship worth it to you? IF someone is willing to create so much drama over taking a shower, do you want to be hostage to this situation and way of treatment? I hope your significant other is going to therapy. If they refuse, i would not stay in the relationship. Talk to your therapist about it. This is so unhealthy" Listen to this.

This is a very unhealthy relationship, and you need to get away from this person.

We both are transgender and use they/them instead of he/him or she/her pronouns. Even though they mentioned wanting to take their life, I'm not convinced that forcing them into a psychiatric facility would help... it seems like it would further exacerbate feelings of depression and worthlessness for them. The point was that they were upset I didn't consider their feelings; I know that the whole shower situation that started this is super trivial, but the root cause is that, which is my fault.

 

They're back at the apartment now, and things seem to be okay, but they still aren't talking to me no matter what I say. I feel like everything that could be said has been said and I'm not sure how I should proceed in regard to interactions...

You would do well to see your own therapist to help you with your codependency and white knight syndrome. I'm sorry you are in the addiction to this person you mistake as love. Their reaction to not inviting them into YOUR shower is emotional abuse at its finest.

If the two of you aren't even healthy and autonomous enough to shower alone whenever you feel like it without drama, then you don't belong in a relationship with one another.