i wish i had a different mother

This is the first time i've ever written on a post, this is all very new to me so please bear with me haha.

I guess i've wanted to get something off my chest i've had with me most of my life, it has to do with my mom. i'm not writing this because I've recently had a falling out with her, recently there have not been any tension between me and her, but its a feeling I've had for a very long time now.To make a long story short, i sometimes wish i had a different mother. when i was little my mother was diagnosed with a mild case of paranoid schizophrenia, on top of that she is extremely over-religious and very immature. she sometimes had delusions that People on the internet are out to get her and its made my family's life harder. these delusions have even made it difficult to hold down a job; in 2009 she got fired from her job, putting a lot of stress on my dad financially. i wouldn't say that we are poor but most of my life my family has struggled to afford the bare essentials. she has tried numerous times to hold down a job but she would only last moments before quiting due to her paranoid delusions. on top of that she is a very difficult person to deal with, she constantly picks fights with my father and siblings along with me over the dumbest things. It almost seems like she is a shell of her former self.

she isn't a terrible person however, despite her faults she does chores, makes food etc.

its just over the years i have rejected her love and her affection and now that i'm grown up i just wish i could have had that kind of affection that only a mother could give. every time she has shown me any kind of affection, i would always reject it, i just could never see her as a motherly figure. every so often i would just sink into a depression and think how i was never really able to feel that kind of love from a woman who loves you unconditionally, mainly because I've rejected it and maybe i deserve it, she is only a human after all. i just wish i could have had a mother who was normal, who was smart, intelligent, beautiful; a mother that is strong, who knows how to lead a family and who isn't a complete Jesus freak. know i should accept her for who she is but it feels like something i just simply cannot do.

i guess i want your thoughts and opinions, whether you agree or not.

It's difficult growing up when a parent isn't fully "present." My wife has a similar story to yours. She was basically raised by her father and her mother was just going through the motions. Your situation is a little different in that these "fights" your mother had with you about minor things sound controlling and manipulative, and you have made sensed that causing you to lose feeling for her because she was emotionally abusing you them.

I don't know if you'll ever get over these lack of feelings, but as you get older, have a long-term girlfriend or get married and have children, you may have a better understanding of what your mom went through and perhaps knowing how she acted will give you a blueprint of what not to do and how to love your wife and kids more than she loved you. Maybe 20 years from now you can at least accept her and understand her mental illness.

But your feeling is valid. There is a big hole there. Hopefully, you can fill it with friends and family.

I can so relate to this OP, hugs.

My mom was very hard and cold. She had six kids but admitted the only reason she did was to please my dad.

She never wanted any of us, her whole world was about pleasing my dad.

While he was at work, she was horrible to me. She once took scissors to my long blonde hair, chopped it short because she found out I rolled my skirt up short while at school. I swear when she came at me with the scissors, I thought she was going to stab me.

She locked me in a small closet for five hours because she tossed out a book I was reading she didn't approve of and I retrieved it from the trash she threw it in.

When sick, she would force me to clean the house. Etc etc etc

Frankly I did not know what was wrong with her but it was very hurtful, and affected me deeply.

When I got older, I talked to her about it. She apologized and said she was overwhelmed with so many kids. She was also jealous of me because of the close RL I had with my dad.

She believed in strong discipline as that is how SHE was raised. Course there was no excuse for forcing me to clean the house while I was sick, that's just cruel.

But I eventually accepted, and forgave her.

She's gone now and I only think of the good times, like when I moved into my first apartment and she took me shopping and bought me bedding and other items to decorate. We had lunch it was a very special day.

But yeah not much nurturing and love growing up, from her. Tossed me in my playpen all day and left me alone with my toys while she chased after my five rambunctious brothers.

My only advice is to try and realize that she did the best she could, under the circumstances. Try and forgive because if you can't, it will continue to eat at you affecting all your future relationships.

It won't happen overnight, be patient with yourself as you move through this process.

Best of luck.

I wish I had a different father. My father was very apathetic about children and felt you should raise yourself. He felt food wasn’t necessary , medical attention wasn’t necessary , talking to you wasn’t necessary and emotionally torturing you was great fun which he has told me on many occasions even this past Christmas he told me he’d been doing it all his life and it was great fun . However, I’ve known all my life my dad is severely mentally ill. But it took me almost 51 years to let it go . It is a long process to be sure .

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like childhood and beyond has been tough for you. It's ok to not be thrilled about her issues. However she is her and you are you. Make sure you focus on you and your future. Some counselling may help you unpack some of this burden.

my mother was diagnosed with a mild case of paranoid schizophrenia, on top of that she is extremely over-religious and very immature. i just wish i could have had a mother who was normal, who was smart, intelligent, beautiful; a mother that is strong, who knows how to lead a family and who isn't a complete Jesus freak.

i guess i want your thoughts and opinions, whether you agree or not.

Yes, your feelings here are valid, and as you can see from the responses, many here wish they had a different parent.

I, too, wish I had a different mother. My mother is the most selfish person on the planet, and it has only gotten worse with age. She is in her 80's now, in constant ill health, yet my father, who has enabled her for his entire life, who is ill himself, still has to be at her beck & call, because he just can't handle her wrath of anger, screaming, and doors slamming if he doesn't comply.

My mother has never once, not ever, picked up the phone to call me, but I am an "ungrateful child" if I do not call her.

She never once got out of bed when we were in school, so my dad got us up, got us dressed, we made our own lunches, and walked ourselves to school. At 7, 8, 9 years old, etc. She never once came to a school function, nor did she even know the names of any teachers or parents. Literally, not one.

I'm much older than you are, so I decided decades ago, that the only way to handle her was avoidance. I used to spend so much energy trying to talk to her, but I lengthened the times in between calls, first to a week apart, and these days, it's about a month. So, once a month, I have to hear all her stories and her woes. If you ask her what I do for a living, she won't be able to answer. Or who my 20+ year friends are. And so on.

I am very close with everyone else in my family, including my father and sister, which is why I maintain any contact at all with her. Otherwise, I'd have walked away from her 100%, years ago. These days, I tolerate her the few hours each year that I actually have to spend with her, and I get to keep my good relationships with the others.