how to communicate with verbally abusive boyfriend with PTSD?

I made a post last night talking about how I (19) and my boyfriend (37) are having problems (side note: he's a veteran, so this contributes to his PTSD) I explained in the post that a main problem right now is him being hung up on his ex.

he mentioned that he still has pictures of her, and other things. when i asked him about the tape, he said he kept it for keepsake. and when i asked about the pictures, he was kinda defensive and asked, "yeah, why wouldn't i have pics of my ex girlfriend?". they broke up four years ago and I've been dating him for eight months, and I'm supposed to move in with him next month. so i am a bit bothered by this...

I have been depressed and insecure lately because over the span of these eight months, he's become verbally and emotionally abusive, and this woman seems to come up in almost every conversation of ours, and as of recently even more because she had sent him an hour-long mysterious apology video the other night and it tore him up. this woman had a terrible impact on his life...so I was very comforting and supportive of him, therefore putting my concerns and personal feelings on this situation on hold. I feel inadequate and my self esteem is at an all time low. Last night he told me he has pulled himself together since viewing the apology video and is feeling better... so we talked some more and said goodnight as usual. he mentioned some of their memories, some of his other exes, some other people he had been/slept with, we didn't even talk about us. i just felt so low, after we hung up i couldn't sleep, does he truly love me? am i just second best?

Our communication has been pretty good but I've been timid to address these insecurities regarding his ex(s) because he has been verbally abusive with me often and I was scared that he would get overly defensive over my concerns... I am not comfortable with him having pictures let alone a tape of his ex and how often she comes up into our conversations. I'd never be mean about this or even confrontational, I just want to make sure he's fully over this woman so we can further pursue our relationship, he's told me several times that he wants to marry me...

Well today on the phone, he could tell i was down, and i let him know i couldn't sleep because i was doing a lot of thinking and have some things bothering me. And he was asking me what was on my mind. I said okay, let's talk about it. but i first wanted to make some things clear. i told him that i want to stay on topic, because in potential arguments and touchy subjects, he tends to accuse and assume and say nasty things to me. I said that i need him to be gentle with me, because I feel very sad and fragile and just want to get this worked out. In the midst of all this, he yells at me and tells me to just say it, that I'm just making up "BS excuses to not tell him what was bothering me", i start crying, and he hangs up on me.

he then texted me reminding me how he was in the military and has PTSD, he needs straight and direct communication, he felt i was beating around the bush when i was really just asking that this conversation be civil and understanding so i could talk about it with ease. He continued to call me names, swear at me, etc. I explained that this was the exact reason I was timid about this, and that we need to meet each other in the middle. I said that I'll tell him right away what's on my mind if he is gentle and understanding with me. I want to work through this maturely, not with so much tension. he said he was gonna take a nap and will talk with me when he wakes. its been several hours and I've had time to cry, process and think. I still want to address these issues, but I'm hurting and wondering if i should even stay at this point. How do i bring up that I'm uneasy and bothered by this ex thing? and ask if he's fully ready for me, and over her? what if he gets defensive and abusive toward me again? when is enough enough, should i even stay at this point? i love him bunches but over these past few months I've become drained and depressed. hair is falling out, I'm barely eating and crying myself dry. sometimes i think to myself that I'm just too young to be feeling like this, I'm supposed to be enjoying life and enjoying myself, but instead I'm being dragged around, putting all my energy into a guy that doesn't respect me and am immensely hurt. I'm really stuck and don't know what to do. thanks again for replies in advance

I think you bit off more than you can chew. A teenager should not be in a relationship where they have to play caretaker. He has some deep issues that he needs to get help for. You do NOTdeserve to be abused in the process. You say "what if he gets defensive and abusive again"? He WILL get defensive and abusive again - its will you take care of yourself by leaving? There should be NO "meeting someone in the middle" - there is no "middle ground" as in "he will only abuse me a little and that's the compromise". This is not a safe relationship for you.

If you choose to stay in this relationship, how you feel right now is how you'll continue to feel. And it will get 1,000 times worse when you move in with him.

"But I LOVE him!!!" is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

What do your parents say about how he treats you? Or...are you hiding how he treats you from them because you know it's wrong and they would get angry?

I think you bit off more than you can chew. A teenager should not be in a relationship where they have to play caretaker. He has some deep issues that he needs to get help for. You do NOTdeserve to be abused in the process. You say "what if he gets defensive and abusive again"? He WILL get defensive and abusive again - its will you take care of yourself by leaving? There should be NO "meeting someone in the middle" - there is no "middle ground" as in "he will only abuse me a little and that's the compromise". This is not a safe relationship for you.

so do you think it is worth it to bring up everything i mentioned in my post with him? do you think i should still attempt to communicate my feelings and try to work it out? and see where that goes and go from there with my decision?

so do you think it is worth it to bring up everything i mentioned in my post with him? do you think i should still attempt to communicate my feelings and try to work it out? and see where that goes and go from there with my decision?

It's unbelievable to me that you arrived at that conclusion. Nowhere in the post you quoted was it indicated or even implied that your relationship is worth "working out".

You are being abused. The "why" is irrelevant.

No, it is not worth trying to "work out".

Please tell your parents you are being abused. Better yet, tell them and, if you have any brothers or male cousins, tell them too.

If you choose to stay in this relationship, how you feel right now is how you'll continue to feel. And it will get 1,000 times worse when you move in with him.

 

"But I LOVE him!!!" is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

 

What do your parents say about how he treats you? Or...are you hiding how he treats you from them because you know it's wrong and they would get angry?

they don't know about the abuse, no... most of the time i just tried to shrug it off as no big deal, I'm sensitive so i thought maybe this was nothing and i was just taking it hard. but now I'm really seeing how it is fully affecting me. should i still try to communicate with him on everything above? or just get out now? both seem dreadful right now

they don't know about the abuse, no... most of the time i just tried to shrug it off as no big deal, I'm sensitive so i thought maybe this was nothing and i was just taking it hard. but now I'm really seeing how it is fully affecting me. should i still try to communicate with him on everything above? or just get out now? both seem dreadful right now

Just get out now.

Just get out now.

thank you for your replies, it will be hard but i can't hurt like this anymore

so do you think it is worth it to bring up everything i mentioned in my post with him? do you think i should still attempt to communicate my feelings and try to work it out? and see where that goes and go from there with my decision?

No. There is nothing to work out. You chose a deeply scarred man who is abusive, who is hung up on an ex, and entered into a relationship with a teenager because he most likely thought women his age would be wiser and not put up with him. He is not a safe, nor appropriate boyfriend. You did nothing wrong to need to apologize to him for. When you start to apologize for how you feel inside, its time to get out. You sound like a very considerate, loving young woman, but you can't "love someone" into treating other people right. He needs help - from professionals - not you. I was with an abusive man when i was younger and when the relationship was over i was emotionally exhausted and felt like i was a shell of a person. You are on the road to that right now if you are not already there. End this before he gets physically violent.

This is not something you should debate over, or "have talks about" - you should just go. He doesn't really care about your feelings, honestly. Honestly, if he has severe PTSD, he might not be capable of caring for them If you tell him your feelings, he is just going to get defensive and verbally abusive to you.

If you feel like you are not strong enough to leave - is there a supportive girlfriend that you can call that will stay with you for the night or check in on you so that you aren;t tempted to call him? Do you have a place to go.

Yes, please get out now.

I can't imagine the grief your parents will experience if you choose to stay and he does something awful and tragic to you. Yes, he could, sadly.

they don't know about the abuse, no... most of the time i just tried to shrug it off as no big deal, I'm sensitive so i thought maybe this was nothing and i was just taking it hard. but now I'm really seeing how it is fully affecting me. should i still try to communicate with him on everything above? or just get out now? both seem dreadful right now

No. just get out. its over. Btw, my parents had no idea the extend of the abuse i was under because i lived farther away. The longer you are away from him - the better you will feel. Your parents love you - i cannot believe your father in particular is okay with you dating a man so much older than you, btw - and would probably wish you would have come to them about it. Put as much space and time between the two of you that you can.

No. There is nothing to work out. You chose a deeply scarred man who is abusive, who is hung up on an ex, and entered into a relationship with a teenager because he most likely thought women his age would be wiser and not put up with him. He is not a safe, nor appropriate boyfriend. You did nothing wrong to need to apologize to him for. When you start to apologize for how you feel inside, its time to get out. You sound like a very considerate, loving young woman, but you can't "love someone" into treating other people right. He needs help - from professionals - not you. I was with an abusive man when i was younger and when the relationship was over i was emotionally exhausted and felt like i was a shell of a person. You are on the road to that right now if you are not already there. End this before he gets physically violent.

 

This is not something you should debate over, or "have talks about" - you should just go. He doesn't really care about your feelings, honestly. Honestly, if he has severe PTSD, he might not be capable of caring for them If you tell him your feelings, he is just going to get defensive and verbally abusive to you.

 

If you feel like you are not strong enough to leave - is there a supportive girlfriend that you can call that will stay with you for the night or check in on you so that you aren;t tempted to call him? Do you have a place to go.

you are 100% right, it's hard to hear and come to terms with but i needed a reality check. He's told me that he wouldn't otherwise roll the dice with a woman my age, but that our situation was different and that i was different. he's made several comments about that and i really believed him, he said other guys his age would only go for me for sexual reasons but he said he saw me for much more than that. now I'm just wondering if he's fronted it so good, I've always admired him for how genuine he was but i wonder if he just played everything right and i fell right into it. ughhh. it'll be incredibly hard to leave and i unfortunately don't have a friend to go to. I'm an introvert and my one best friend is busy with college. and that's what makes it harder, I'll be on my own with this whole process. so i am scared. but i appreciate all of your replies and support, I'm seeing the severity and i can't keep going on like this, I'm just gonna end up crumbling. thank you again

you are 100% right, it's hard to hear and come to terms with but i needed a reality check. He's told me that he wouldn't otherwise roll the dice with a woman my age, but that our situation was different and that i was different. he's made several comments about that and i really believed him, he said other guys his age would only go for me for sexual reasons but he said he saw me for much more than that. now I'm just wondering if he's fronted it so good, I've always admired him for how genuine he was but i wonder if he just played everything right and i fell right into it. ughhh. it'll be incredibly hard to leave and i unfortunately don't have a friend to go to. I'm an introvert and my one best friend is busy with college. and that's what makes it harder, I'll be on my own with this whole process. so i am scared. but i appreciate all of your replies and support, I'm seeing the severity and i can't keep going on like this, I'm just gonna end up crumbling. thank you again

Don't worry about "bothering" your friend. This is important. Friends would want to know if their friend was in trouble - the holidays are coming and surely she will have time off from school. You say she's busy with school - are you in school? trade school? College? certificate program?

Yes, he is playing you like a fiddle for sure.

I understand you are scared -- if you are scared - you have your family. That counts. You will not be alone. There are also excellent counseling resources for abuse survivors - call the abuse hotline and ask for them. I was able to receive counseling for free for so many weeks - there are also support groups. It made me stronger.

Ohhhhhhhh, he sounds awful awful Awful. He's making you sad and stressed and it's causing your hair to fall out. That is not normal, that is not a good relationship, that is a house full of bees and you're already inside being stung over and over again. Even if, I shall be charitable, he does feel some kind of warmth and romantic love for you, they way you two are interacting is at the very least, bad for Your health. PTSD is not a free license to be abusive to your partner, it's not ok to start dating someone new when you are still hung up on your ex (and everything you've shared with us screams that he is).

Making some new friends in your geographical location is a long term project you can pick up at any time and gently, slowly work towards. Some of my favourite people are introverts who made the conscious choice to talk to more people and get out of the house more. In the mean time, please talk to us, we are happy to listen and give feedback is wanted. You are not alone.

Don't worry about "bothering" your friend. This is important. Friends would want to know if their friend was in trouble - the holidays are coming and surely she will have time off from school. You say she's busy with school - are you in school? trade school? College? certificate program?

 

Yes, he is playing you like a fiddle for sure.

 

I understand you are scared -- if you are scared - you have your family. That counts. You will not be alone. There are also excellent counseling resources for abuse survivors - call the abuse hotline and ask for them. I was able to receive counseling for free for so many weeks - there are also support groups. It made me stronger.

yes, it is important, I don't know if she could physically be with me but I'm thinking i should give her a call, tell her everything (she isn't too informed on the extent of the abuse either) and get some verbal support from her as well, I think that'd make me feel much better. I am not currently in school no. and I will definitely look into calling the abuse hotline, i could use all the help i can get. I greatly appreciate your kind words and resources, very helpful an very comforting! He texted me late last night asking about the problem again, he was hostile. my emotions were almost numb at this point and i felt i had nothing left to lose so i just let it all spill, i was prepared for any reaction/response. he seemed empathetic at first but then told me i was "looking too deep for a problem" and then went on to mock me and make a huge joke out of it. he said if i don't move in with him next month then it's over, which was a no-brainer. this behavior confirmed my need to leave

Ohhhhhhhh, he sounds awful awful Awful. He's making you sad and stressed and it's causing your hair to fall out. That is not normal, that is not a good relationship, that is a house full of bees and you're already inside being stung over and over again. Even if, I shall be charitable, he does feel some kind of warmth and romantic love for you, they way you two are interacting is at the very least, bad for Your health. PTSD is not a free license to be abusive to your partner, it's not ok to start dating someone new when you are still hung up on your ex (and everything you've shared with us screams that he is).

 

Making some new friends in your geographical location is a long term project you can pick up at any time and gently, slowly work towards. Some of my favourite people are introverts who made the conscious choice to talk to more people and get out of the house more. In the mean time, please talk to us, we are happy to listen and give feedback is wanted. You are not alone.

I totally agree, i could only deny and shake off how the relationship was affecting me for so long, then the physical signs showed and it was a slap of reality. I've always taken his anxiety and PTSD seriously but that cannot justify the way he treats me. I ended up telling him all that was bothering me once he asked again because at that point i was prepared for the worst and was ready to leave. he seemed understanding at first and reassured me a little but then mocked me and laughed about the way i was feeling. if i elaborated, he'd make another joke. he said it was funny how i lost sleep over something so little and that i was just digging for a problem. he overlooked all of it and was very apathetic. I stood up for myself and told him my feelings are valid, that I'm drained and tired of the way he treats me and i wasn't gonna take in his insults or hostility about this. later he texted me a loving goodnight message and added "and if you know me like you should, you won't lose sleep this time". i don't know. i feel hooked again. this is a cycle and it's so hard to break it. i do agree that i need to make more friends, i need to build up my confidence again so i can do so. thank you for your thoughts and support, really means a lot to me

you are 100% right, it's hard to hear and come to terms with but i needed a reality check. He's told me that he wouldn't otherwise roll the dice with a woman my age, but that our situation was different and that i was different. he's made several comments about that and i really believed him, he said other guys his age would only go for me for sexual reasons but he said he saw me for much more than that. now I'm just wondering if he's fronted it so good, I've always admired him for how genuine he was but i wonder if he just played everything right and i fell right into it. ughhh. it'll be incredibly hard to leave and i unfortunately don't have a friend to go to. I'm an introvert and my one best friend is busy with college. and that's what makes it harder, I'll be on my own with this whole process. so i am scared. but i appreciate all of your replies and support, I'm seeing the severity and i can't keep going on like this, I'm just gonna end up crumbling. thank you again

This guy is so full of bullcrap his eyeballs are floating.

He is abusive and abusers target people they known don't have strong boundaries or the experience to see how horrible he is, regardless of their age. Your inherent naivety (due to your young age) just made you an easier victim for him. He is a classic manipulator, and other men his age would not go for a teen in the first place because they'd see the obvious problems with that scenario. He is feeding you line after line of malarkey to get you to stay under his thumb. But OP, he doesn't love you. He doesn't even respect you. He is way too old for you, and you are too young to be playing nurse to a man with problems that you cannot fix. Don't waste your best years on him.

As we said in your previous thread, this relationship is extremely dysfunctional and you need to get out. He is not a good person and this won't end well for you.