Not relatively equal sex drive

Hi All

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years, we are both in our 30s and in a stable relationship/life situation. We live together and I totally love him, BUT the only problem that I have with him is our sex life. From early stages of our relationship I've felt that there is something wrong with his sex needs. He was just NOT keen to have sex, for the first year of the relationship, 95% of the times, I was the one who initiated the sex and I can tell the other 5% that he initiated, it was not because he needed, it was just to keep my mouth shut (that's my assumption). For the first year we had sex once a week, sometimes twice a week, but as I mentioned I was the initiator most of the times.

In the second year of our relationship, he started refusing my initiation and he started bringing tons and tons of excuses for why he doesn't want to have sex. Each time, it was a new excuse, not only one. First I believed him, for excuses like: I'm tired,I have pain in my back, I'm stressed, I'm sleepy, I'm not in the mood, I need cuddling to turn on, I'm not relaxed ... but as the excuses start to vary more and more, obviously I realized he is just bringing excuses, not the actual reason. We fought a lot, we talked a lot and since I started complaining about our sex until this very day, he always says that he used to be different couple of years ago and he is also concerned about his health. But he never tells me the actual reason, I think he just doesn't know himself neither.

This started to hurt me a lot, the feeling that after cuddling me and touching me, he is not turned on and he has no attraction to sleep with me hurts a lot, sometimes I think he is sexually not attracted to me. I'm also not sure whether he masturbates or not, but he never asks for sex. I think for those times that we have sex, he is forcing himself to have sex with me. Our sex life is completely boring, repetitive (always in one position and place) and not attractive, lately I stopped initiate the sex and asking for it, now we just don't have sex, it's been over two weeks now (we are not in fight or separate, I just stopped asking ).

Recently, he started talking about marriage and kids... to be honest the only problem that I have with him is just our sex life (which I know it's very important). As I said I really like him and compare to all other guys that I used to date, I love him the most. But I'm kind of desperate and concerned, if I remain in the relationship, that means I am fine with this and I can marry him, but this issue always comes to my mind: after 2 years dating, this is our sex life, what would it be after 10 years being together?

Can anyone please share their thoughts and suggestions.

Thanks

I mean you consider that early into a relationship is typically the peak of bedroom fun time, he doesn't seem to have been into it all. We can only speculate as to whether he's overall not a sexual person or if maybe you're loaded and he's sucking it up for the free meals and big home.

Regardless, you should have made the assumption that it is what it after the first couple months, nevermind after a couple years. You know it's very important... so yeah. It's very important. Don't know what else to tell you there. It's on you to evaluate how much it all matters. I mean you can throw a Hail Mary and ask if he's OK with an open relationship / marriage, but other than that, sorry.

Don't look at it as something "wrong" with his sexual needs. It just who he is. Getting in the mindset that he's somehow wrong or it's something to be fixed is what gets you caught in a mindset of it being something he can or even should change. Don't do that.

Sex matters to you. The answer here is pretty common sense, even if difficult.

Well if your peak was once or twice a week going to once a month after the new phase is over is pretty typical.

He just sounds to be sexually incompatible with you. I would never ever be able to handle that, once a week would be way to little.

It doesn't really sound like he has any real issues. I'm 30 and a lot of guys I know are happy with a couple times a month. Nothing off about his drive or decrease.

I would either find a way for it to not bother you or break up. You could try to fix it too but I honestly doubt it would help given all you have said.

If you are like this now how infrequent do you think it will be after you start a family and have kids? Once a month? On anniversary and high holidays?

My advice would be to get out now and find a guy you are compatible with.

Would you and he consider having an open marriage?

An open marriage is the worst idea ever.

I think instead of going incident to incident -- initiating and him refusing - you should have an honest conversation. Tell him you know he is talking about kids - but you can't have kids without having sex. He doesn't seem to want to have sex with you and either its because he doesn't find you appealing or that he has a physical issue. You can't marry someone who you feel finds you unappealing - you can't spend the rest of your life that way.

If this is the way he just is and it doesn't turn out to be a medical problem, then maybe he was a nice boyfriend, but you find someone else to be your husband.

^^ Lol, I wouldn't want an open marriage but I'm just throwing that idea out there. I guess it may work for some people.

I agree that talking with him and having an honest conversation is important. Though I suspect you two just aren't compatible. I don't know if he will step up the frequency in the bedroom and enjoy it too.

Couples who have an unequal sex drive can have wonderful marriages - but wanting a reasonable amount of sex (not daily by any stretch but even once a week) vs someone who wants no sex at all is a problem because one person feels totally undesirable.

Maybe you should do a little "research" if you will, and find out if he's masturbating. Could be that he's into some weird porn and that he can only get hard on that and masturbate only on that. I'm sorry but I find it hard to believe that the rest of your relationship is fine and this is the only problem. I mean if your happy and all with your relationship and you love each other why wouldn't you wanna have sex with that person? I'm not saying he can't have a medical condition but I've heard too many stories of guys being addicted to (weird) porn and hiding it from their partners.

Maybe you should do a little "research" if you will, and find out if he's masturbating. Could be that he's into some weird porn and that he can only get hard on that and masturbate only on that. I'm sorry but I find it hard to believe that the rest of your relationship is fine and this is the only problem. I mean if your happy and all with your relationship and you love each other why wouldn't you wanna have sex with that person? I'm not saying he can't have a medical condition but I've heard too many stories of guys being addicted to (weird) porn and hiding it from their partners.

Interesting it takes goat porn or a medical condition for the guy to simply have a low sex drive.

Why "why" doesn't really matter. You'll likely never know what it is, if it's anything at all. No reason not to take it at face value, especially considering it's been the status quo from the beginning.

So, she should live in a lie for possibly few more years thinking her guy has a low sex drive? Come on just put yourself in her place, would you just leave your loved one for some reason and not make sure if it's even the real reason? It would be nice if everyone was honest then she could just trust him, but not everyone is like that.

So, she should live in a lie for possibly few more years thinking her guy has a low sex drive? Come on just put yourself in her place, would you just leave your loved one for some reason and not make sure if it's even the real reason? It would be nice if everyone was honest then she could just trust him, but not everyone is like that.

If you are so untrusting of your SO instead of snooping just end it.

This advice comes from a person with a very unhealthy view of relationships. Do not snoop on your SO.

So, if they snoop and you are right then what? End it? Work on it with a person who lies repeatably to you? How can you even call them out on the trustworthiness if you snooped to find out.

If not then you are just an untrusting, jealous, insecure, and untrustworthy person. All bad. Makes you much worse than the person you were snooping on.

Only in the most extremely circumstances would I ever ever think it would even be potentially justifiable.