How do I help my grieving husband?

Hello everyone. I'm in a bit of a sticky situation. Beginning of this year ish in February, my mother in law was diagnosed with lung cancer. We were told she would go through treatment and try to fight it as much as possible. My husband was of course, devastated and doing everything we can to help. His sister and father have been helping take care of her since they live closer. Last year we both got engaged and I'm also a national team athlete. I'm competing at a world level this year in October and I've known his for a year. To make sure his mom got to be at our wedding, we decided to have a wedding this year in July and have a destination wedding next year in May. Everything went as planned until a month ago. My mother in law has not been responsive to the treatments and now she's in a hospice... they are making her last days as comfortable as it can be. We've been going to see her and I've been doing all I can from making food for his father to getting stuff for his mom to cheer her up. However, the relationship between my husband and I are a little tough. I understand that he's going through a super tough time... and I'm doing all I can but nothing that I do seems to be right and he's not even easy to rationalize with. He's angry that I'm going to worlds next month saying that I should have sacrificed it a year ago.. when really.. I didn't even know his mother would be at this stage. I'm doing my best to support him but he's angry that I'm having any enjoyment in my life or doing anything "fun". I've asked him how I can support and apparently I should know.. and even if I offered to stay and not go, he said I should have made that decision without him asking. I'm not trying to be selfish.. but I've made a commitment to the team and while he is important in my life.. this is important too. He knows I'm going but he's mad.. and everything I do isn't right. We can't discuss anything else that's even wedding related for next year because he says he can't think of anything else which I get. So.. I guess I'm making decisions myself because we've already booked our location in march.. when we didn't know any of this was going to happen. Super difficult time.. and I'm lost. I don't know what to do.. I'm trying so hard to support but nothing I do is right. Can someone provide me advice or help? I'm having a hard time focusing and living like this too.. I know he's having a hard time and I've told him multiple times how I am here for him... but he's shutting me down.

What is "worlds?"

Also, who's wedding are you planning?

My dad died tragically but suddenly 8 months ago. It's a very scary time. I couldn't imagine knowing he was going to die. I would say your husband is being a bit unreasonable but he's also not in the right state of mind now either. He's mad at the world and he's upset everyone is moving on with life while his mom is dying. It's really isn't you. One thing that would be helpful is don't ask him what you could do. I know nothing you do is working but everyone would always say to "Let me know if you need anything". While it's a nice gesture, it doesn't actually help. It puts pressure on me to reach out and figure out what I need at a time when I'm not sure what it is I actually need. One of the best thing someone did for me was just say, "Im taking you to lunch". I didn't have to think or anything. I know you can't read his mind but the little things do matter. As far as your team, I'm not sure what the answer is. I think you should go. Maybe remind your husband that just because you're going doesn't mean you will stop supporting him.

What is "worlds?"

 

Also, who's wedding are you planning?

I'm a national team athlete: I'm representing my country in a world sporting event in October

Planning our destination wedding for next year. Which we had already decided on early this year

My dad died tragically but suddenly 8 months ago. It's a very scary time. I couldn't imagine knowing he was going to die. I would say your husband is being a bit unreasonable but he's also not in the right state of mind now either. He's mad at the world and he's upset everyone is moving on with life while his mom is dying. It's really isn't you. One thing that would be helpful is don't ask him what you could do. I know nothing you do is working but everyone would always say to "Let me know if you need anything". While it's a nice gesture, it doesn't actually help. It puts pressure on me to reach out and figure out what I need at a time when I'm not sure what it is I actually need. One of the best thing someone did for me was just say, "Im taking you to lunch". I didn't have to think or anything. I know you can't read his mind but the little things do matter. As far as your team, I'm not sure what the answer is. I think you should go. Maybe remind your husband that just because you're going doesn't mean you will stop supporting him.

Thanks for that insight. I think he's upset that I'm taking some time after to travel as well for five days with friends and he was hoping I'd just come home. I think I will cancel that portion of my trip so that I can be here for him.. but I will still go for my competition . It's a tough spot

I'm a national team athlete: I'm representing my country in a world sporting event in October

 

Planning our destination wedding for next year. Which we had already decided on early this year

He is probably in a state of deep grief and perhaps even panic. I'm not saying you should cancel the sporting event, but have you actually considered cancelling it or is it an absolute No? The thing is, the sporting event could occur right as she dies. This might be what he is afraid of. In the long term, would you want to be away from him at this critical time of his life? Would you never have the chance to compete again?

Would you consider postponing the wedding, perhaps even cancelling that venue in lieu of something more simple? March is less than 5 months away, and he may still be in a deep state of mourning at that time.

I guess what I'm asking is, can you compromise or are you hitting the wall?

Edited to add: I think cancelling the post-competition travel is probably a good idea.

So, to be clear, you'll actually be playing for a team and competing in this international tournament? Or are you representing your country as a spectator / supporter? Even if my mother were about to croak, I could never imagine expecting my partner to give up the opportunity to compete at an international level. However, if my fiancee's mother was on her death bed back in 2014, when I had tickets to Rio for the World Cup, I would absolutely give them up to be with her during that time.

If you are competing in this tournament, I think the best compromise you could make, even if expensive, would be to offer to get a next-day or even same-day flight if they're told "this is it" or if she goes without warning. How long is the competition, anyhow?

I'm actually competing. Not a spectator. I would be gone for two weeks .

I ve decided to go compete and hope for the best. I will be flying home the next day instead of travelling for a week. Timing is brutal but I can't leave him here sad while I'm having "fun".. it wouldn't be respectful

He is probably in a state of deep grief and perhaps even panic. I'm not saying you should cancel the sporting event, but have you actually considered cancelling it or is it an absolute No? The thing is, the sporting event could occur right as she dies. This might be what he is afraid of. In the long term, would you want to be away from him at this critical time of his life? Would you never have the chance to compete again?

 

Would you consider postponing the wedding, perhaps even cancelling that venue in lieu of something more simple? March is less than 5 months away, and he may still be in a deep state of mourning at that time.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, can you compromise or are you hitting the wall?

 

Edited to add: I think cancelling the post-competition travel is probably a good idea.

I've thought about not going but I have teammates relying on me and I just can't forgo it. However I am going to come home right after competition rather than travelling ... I have to be respectful and be there for him

Firstly, you are married, right? Why are you planning a destination wedding if you are already married? If you had a destination wedding, i could see having a party/bbq with the family who could not make it, but you don't get a second wedding. I think you should honestly lay off on the fake destination wedding - mom is way more important right now.

So -- from how i understand -- this international sport - ie like the World Cup, Grand Prix, Tour de France - something international like that is not a "fun thing to do" but basically on the level of a "job" and a responsibility in a way.

You don't know when your mother in law will die. She could die tomorrow. She could die a year from now. There is no telling.

And just because you are not there at the moment of her passing - doesn't mean he will either. People have a way of passing when loved ones leave the room to use the bathroom or leave for the night, or leave for a meeting etc. It hardly happens right in front of them.

If you were going to be gone for 6 months, i would say try to cancel it, but if you are gone just two weeks, I would go.

I'm actually competing. Not a spectator. I would be gone for two weeks .

 

I ve decided to go compete and hope for the best. I will be flying home the next day instead of travelling for a week. Timing is brutal but I can't leave him here sad while I'm having "fun".. it wouldn't be respectful

thats good -- if you are only gone for a few days -- then that is totally reasonable