Girlfriend been acting distant this week.. Is she scared of deeper feelings for me due to ex? (long)

I've noticed in the past week my girlfriends texting has changed and she doesn't text me as much now as she used to. She initiates every day, but she's been taking longer to respond, not as long replies. Not all the time, but she has started a new job recently so thought it was that. She still accepts my date requests and when she's busy, she suggests alternative days and also asks about my day.

Last time I wasn't greeted with the usual smile and delight but during our night out she came back to her usual self and had fun, ended the night passionately kissing. I didn't think too much of it as she was still meeting me, we were still kissing, still initiates with emoticons, so a breakup wasn't on my mind. We haven't had sex for a month but we don't have it often as we both still live with parents.

Whenever we meet, I do notice she mentions her ex once at most if our situation relates.. like when I got her flowers she told me one time when her ex got her a rose because his friends told him too and how she didn't like it, he wasn't romantic, etc. I'd always be compared in a positive light to him.

Our last meeting I did suggest staying in a hotel but she made up excuses like I can't afford it, I said I could pay but then she said she didn't have clothes etc and that I couldn't stay over Saturday night. So then I thought something was up...

I had a phone call with my girlfriend tonight and she seemed down in her tone of voice. She seemed a little eager to get off the phone as she was doing her planning for her teaching job. It felt like she didn't really want to be on the phone with me so I asked her what was up and she mentioned things on her mind. I persisted a little and she said she was thinking how things had progressed in the past two years in her life. She also mentioned our relationship. I asked her if she was happy with how things were going and she said she is, just that she's only had one real relationship (6 years with her ex), and it felt different being in one with someone else because her 6 year relationship was all she ever knew.

She said that it felt weird how completely opposite I was to her ex, like sending flowers, etc but insisted that it was a good thing and that she liked that and not for me to worry. She's mentioned before that the last time her and her ex spoke was last new years, but that she wouldn't speak to him or go there again, and that part of her life is done and dusted. I told her I didn't want her being in a relationship with me for the sake of it and she told me that wasn't the case.

She then talked to me about these "down moments" she experiences, where her mood will drop for random reasons and told me how when it gets dark early, she doesn't transition well from summer to winter, etc, it makes her feel more depressed. I think it's called "seasonal (something)". I comforted her and said I like what we have, that out of the girls I've dated or been in relationships with this one is the best but I want us to take it slow and told her I didn't want her feeling pressured. I also said we have things to look forward to like our holiday and she told me she was looking forward to it too. She was accepting of what I said but still seemed quite down, like fed up.

I moved the conversation onto our plans about Friday and Saturday. We originally planned to stay in a hotel Friday night but I finish work at 9 and up at half 7 in the morning for work, so she wondered if it was best postponing that until the following Friday, but still do something this Friday and Saturday. At least she's still keen to meet, but I'm wondering if she's postponing our chance to be intimate again. She did suggest we book the hotel the following friday so I wouldn't be rushed for work.

She also said that I didn't have to meet her friends on Saturday if I didn't want to and we could do something different as she felt that she forced it on me. I told her it was okay and that getting to know her friends is what I want as her friends are apart of her and I want to get to know her more.

Would being the "complete opposite" to her ex be beneficial in our relationship? I'm assuming she still has some feelings for her ex, even after a year you don't expect to feel nothing and I told her I understood that those moments are apart of her life. Or is it possible she doesn't have feelings for me anymore? As her behaviour changed suddenly a week ago, but she still initiates, meets up with me, kisses me, etc. I assume if she lost feelings for me, she wouldn't do any of those things.. I did give her an "out" if she wanted to end things, but she said she didn't want to.

Or do you think her feelings have developed for me and it's scaring her because the last time she "fell in love" was with her ex and it possibly feels weird to fall in love with someone new?

What should I do, give her space and just keep letting her initiate contact, having fun and do what I've been doing so far?

The constant references and comparisons to her ex is not only a bad sign, but rude.

It doesn't sound like she's quite over him yet.

It sounds like she's still processing her ex and the past relationship is still on her mind.

Thats not what you want to hear, but you kind of know that already.

Best thing might be to not be so available and give her the gift of missing you from time to time. That'll give her the chance to decide if she'd rather be with you in the present or with a ghost from the past.

Be careful not to be her rebound and I wouldn't invest emotionally at this stage for your own well being.

You seem like the rebound. She's still hung up on him and their relationship.

I'd distance myself and break up if I were you.

We have a holiday in 5 weeks but I don't want to be her rebound. We've been dating for 3 months and officially together for 2. She asked me to be her boyfriend at the time.

If she mentions her ex again, I'm going to say to her that I don't want to hear about her ex and that I think she still has feelings for him and I don't want to be the rebound.

The thing is, I'm falling for her.. But I don't want to be her boyfriend just for the sake of it. I told her this tonight and she told me I wasn't her boyfriend just for the sake of it and she was happy where we were going with it.

I want to breakup because I don't want to be in the shadow of her ex, that she'll never develop more feelings for me because of him, but I couldn't let her go knowing that one day she will get over him but she'll be with someone new then.

She's not even close to being slightly over him.

Her behaviour was like mine, when I was messed up and hung up.

Do you want to be used? I'm sure you know you are worth way more than that.

If you stay, you'll be the person she uses as distraction. I'm sorry but that's how it is.

Just to mention I have been introduced to her family as well as her cousin and best friends. I'm being introduced to her other friends this weekend.

Doesn't matter, she's def not over ex. That's why she keeps bring him up, being distant, less affectionate and mixed up. I dated a guy for half a year 7 months after my first love (wasn't the first serious long term relationship I had) and I never developed actual feelings for him. Had to break up cos realised I was wasting both of our time.

I don't know what to do. I'm falling for her but really don't want to break things off. I don't want to be used either.. Might just not ask her out and be distant, let her keep double texting until she asks whats up. I didn't reply to her text last night as she replied so late, but she double texted and reinitiated again today.

I might break up with her and tell her that I'm only willing to make things work if her ex is left in the past. Maybe it's for the best..

She can't switch it off. It's not a light u turn off. She needs way more time. You should move away from this.

She wasn't like this at all prior to this week. She was never distant and always affectionate. Okay her ex popped up in conversation but only if it related to what I said. It was always a negative thought about him to make him look bad in comparison with me.

Trashing an ex is a red flag. She shouldn't be comparing and you can rationalise, but I'm just speaking from experience. She is trying to distract herself but I can guarantee you, when she txts you, she's probably thinking more about him at the back of her mind.

Has her ex been in touch with her recently? (that you know of, of course) I have to wonder if he's contacted her and this is what is triggering her.

I agree with the others, her more distant behaviour and frequent references to him in random conversation aren't good. I don't think she's really over him either. Her introducing you to friends and family isn't relevant to that particular concern.

Has her ex been in touch with her recently? (that you know of, of course) I have to wonder if he's contacted her and this is what is triggering her.

 

I agree with the others, her more distant behaviour and frequent references to him in random conversation aren't good. I don't think she's really over him either. Her introducing you to friends and family isn't relevant to that particular concern.

On second thought, it wasn't always negative things she said about her ex but I understand that's a red flag either way.

As far as I know he hasn't. I believed her when shee said the last time they spoke was new years so no reason to doubt. But she does have these "low moments" which has been mentioned before which she's had most of her life. I'm guessing one of these moments made her think about the bad stuff in her last relationship.

She also writes a blog once a month and she explained how the following months were hard but she did get over the large majority of the pain, but there's obviously some still there.

His relationship status is still with another girl on Facebook but everything else is private and they don't have each other on there.

We also have a holiday to Italy in 5 weeks. We've both paid £275 for the flight already but feel it would be wrong to break it off before that. I do think see where we are and treating the holiday as a "deadline" might be better, so if her behaviour is still the same then I'll break up with her after we've been there.

Honestly I have a feeling that was her plan anyway, to get through the next 5 weeks and get the holiday over with. I feel if we didn't have a holiday booked, she'd have broken things off by now.

We have a holiday in 5 weeks but I don't want to be her rebound. We've been dating for 3 months and officially together for 2. She asked me to be her boyfriend at the time.

 

If she mentions her ex again, I'm going to say to her that I don't want to hear about her ex and that I think she still has feelings for him and I don't want to be the rebound.

 

The thing is, I'm falling for her.. But I don't want to be her boyfriend just for the sake of it. I told her this tonight and she told me I wasn't her boyfriend just for the sake of it and she was happy where we were going with it.

 

I want to breakup because I don't want to be in the shadow of her ex, that she'll never develop more feelings for me because of him, but I couldn't let her go knowing that one day she will get over him but she'll be with someone new then.

To be falling for someone after 3 months who is frequently talking about their ex is going to get you into trouble.

You need to slow down, take a step back and let her come to you. Exert more emotional control over yourself for your own piece of mind.

She also mentioned "other worries on her mind" over the phone. Do you think my job has anything to do with it? I work management in retail whereas she just started a teaching job. She also has a car whereas I don't. She does mention about my media career but I have told her it's a hard industry to get into in the past.

When we first got together officially two months ago, I did ask if my job would be a problem but she said she was perfectly fine and that my career doesn't affect what she feels for me. This is when she said that she "carried her ex for months" when he got sacked a couple of times and was fine with it.

It's 75% of the time we meet, but it's a very brief sentence about him. She doesn't obsess over the subject so that's why I was dismissive over it and didn't see it as an issue.

Yeah I am falling for her and should have seen that as a red flag initially but I thought she was over the large part of her last breakup.

Just to say I hardly reach out to her when we contact. 6 days a week she reaches out to me with a text or tags me on something over Facebook. I reach out the odd time but it's mostly her. I do this because if she doesn't contact me then she'll lose me, plus it allows me to give her the right amount of space.

After this weekend, I'm going to back off and just reply to her. Not set up any dates or anything. I'll let that be her idea now.. I'm 50/50 on that though because I believe the man should be setting dates and displays masculine energy.. but it's the only way to give her space she needs and to come to me.

If she's mentioning this guy 75% of occasions, it's far too frequent. At least for me; that tells me he is on her mind quite a lot. I can't even recall the last time I mentioned my ex in conversation with my current partner. He just doesn't really cross my mind very often.

Honestly, giving her space and being masculine isn't the point anyway. No, you don't want to be clingy or obsessive or something, so I agree that you need to step back for your own sanity. But If her heart and mind are largely with him, what you do or don't do isn't really the issue. It's her.

As for your job, why would a retail management position be a problem? Low salary, or..? Do you not feel established enough for her or something along those lines?

If she's mentioning this guy 75% of occasions, it's far too frequent. At least for me; that tells me he is on her mind quite a lot. I can't even recall the last time I mentioned my ex in conversation with my current partner. He just doesn't really cross my mind very often.

 

Honestly, giving her space and being masculine isn't the point anyway. No, you don't want to be clingy or obsessive or something, so I agree that you need to step back for your own sanity. But If her heart and mind are largely with him, what you do or don't do isn't really the issue. It's her.

 

As for your job, why would a retail management position be a problem? Low salary, or..? Do you not feel established enough for her or something along those lines?

Should I just do what I've been doing and just arrange dates, have fun, etc? Like what I'd do with dating? I'm not going to bring up this topic again and ask her what's wrong unless she brings her ex up again, if she does I'll be having a talk that I'm not happy with it.

I'd say with my job that it's been a problem with dating before, however that's more with when I dated girls 3 years older than me who had their own careers sorted and their own place. I shouldn't be worried but I'm only on the 15k a year whereas she is on 21k. She told me in the past "a job is a job" and it doesn't bother her..

But after she explained on the phone about feeling weird that the only relationship she's ever known was with her ex, she did mention other things on her mind which she didn't say.. Which is why I thought it might have been my job, etc.

We did have sex a month ago and I didn't wear protection, I trusted that she was on the pill when she said it but she could have lied too. Is there a possibility of pregnancy, with her starting her new job etc? Reason why I say this is because "children" came up a couple of weeks ago. She felt miserable because she went to the lakes with her friends and all they spoke about was kids, partners, houses, etc and she felt left out.

This one hit very close to home as I literally went through the same thing. It really sounds like you're the rebound to be honest with you. I would honestly ask her directly where she stands Like a good open-ended question like "Is there a reason why you have been a bit distant lately?" She may be too scared and may not want to hurt your feelings on where she stands so I would definitely try to get that info. However, her actions in itself lately should give you that answer as it is. Don't be afraid to end it and move to a better one and one that will give you what you want

This one hit very close to home as I literally went through the same thing. It really sounds like you're the rebound to be honest with you. I would honestly ask her directly where she stands Like a good open-ended question like "Is there a reason why you have been a bit distant lately?" She may be too scared and may not want to hurt your feelings on where she stands so I would definitely try to get that info. However, her actions in itself lately should give you that answer as it is. Don't be afraid to end it and move to a better one and one that will give you what you want

Thanks for your comment.

I did ask her why she was being distant this week as we haven't been texting much, that's when she mentioned saying it was weird being in another relationship with someone completely opposite to her ex, she told me this was a GOOD thing though. She said 6 years with her ex was ALL she was ever used to and known in terms of a relationship. She did have an emo phase growing up too.

I asked her if she was happy with our relationship and where we were going and she told me she was and then I said I don't want her being in a relationship with me for the sake of it and she told me she wasn't. So I gave her that opportunity to state if she wasn't happy.

When we discussed plans she seemed eager to meet up still and we planned three different occasions.

IF she brings up her ex again, I'll have a word with her and tell her I'm going to break things off and walk away if she still has feelings for her ex as I don't like it when she brings him up and I don't want to be in a rebound relationship. Sure I'll lose my £275 for the flight but she could just take a friend.

So far, twice, I've given her chances to walk away but she's insisted she's happy with where we're going and doesn't want to break things off.

Thanks for your comment.

 

I did ask her why she was being distant this week as we haven't been texting much, that's when she mentioned saying it was weird being in another relationship with someone completely opposite to her ex, she told me this was a GOOD thing though. She said 6 years with her ex was ALL she was ever used to and known in terms of a relationship. She did have an emo phase growing up too.

 

I asked her if she was happy with our relationship and where we were going and she told me she was and then I said I don't want her being in a relationship with me for the sake of it and she told me she wasn't. So I gave her that opportunity to state if she wasn't happy.

 

When we discussed plans she seemed eager to meet up still and we planned three different occasions.

 

IF she brings up her ex again, I'll have a word with her and tell her I'm going to break things off and walk away if she still has feelings for her ex as I don't like it when she brings him up and I don't want to be in a rebound relationship. Sure I'll lose my £275 for the flight but she could just take a friend.

 

So far, twice, I've given her chances to walk away but she's insisted she's happy with where we're going and doesn't want to break things off.

How long has she been single again since that 6 year relationship as that's a long time and takes longer to heal from that. She may be in "recovery mode" as she's not able to fully open herself emotionally as well at the moment but we could only verify that with her first. But only time will tell. Good luck! However if you are still seeing more signs of this, and if you are strongly seeing this being one-sided where the "love" or "commitment" isn't reciprocating from her end, don't let yourself end up feeling forced to stay in this relationship. Never be afraid to walk alone and find someone better.

How long has she been single again since that 6 year relationship as that's a long time and takes longer to heal from that. She may be in "recovery mode" as she's not able to fully open herself emotionally as well at the moment but we could only verify that with her first. But only time will tell. Good luck! However if you are still seeing more signs of this, and if you are strongly seeing this being one-sided where the "love" or "commitment" isn't reciprocating from her end, don't let yourself end up feeling forced to stay in this relationship. Never be afraid to walk alone and find someone better.

 

Thanks

 

They broke up halfway through last year from what I can tell so over a year ago. But they got back in touch towards the end of 2016 when he suddenly ditched her and got in a relationship with someone new. I know this as on one of our earlier dates, she said we spoke on a dating website but I stopped talking to her and she was glad I did as her and her ex were talking again.

 

She insists they haven't spoken since New Years and he is in a relationship with this new girl going off his Facebook.

 

Maybe she has developed more feelings for me and it's scared her? If she's still recovering from her ex, that was the only relationship she knew and maybe it feels weird to "feel something more" for someone new. I'm guessing though, time will tell. Maybe the whole ex thing is a cover up on another guy and she's been cheating? All guess work.

 

I have a plan now anyway. Keep having fun and asking her out like I would with a new girl and see if her behaviour changes. If she brings up her ex I'm going to say to her I'm not happy and would rather focus on us as it's a new chapter in her life. If she is still distant on our holiday, then I'll break up with her then.. she has 5 weeks to win me over.

I see you're gonna stick around.

Hmmmm...Okay. It's no fun being dragged through the mud. I would think you'd have more respect for yourself.

I'd just get the holiday over and done with and just end things.