First date follow-up

Hello!

So I had this great first date with a girl on Friday, I felt we had chemistry and we kissed a few times. Even though the date only lasted two and half hours on a Friday night (before she said she had to go home), she seemed to like me, if my observations were correct.

In my mind it was obvious the two of us would see each other again but we also made a fun bet and should she loose, we would see each others again one of these weekdays. Long story short she lost.

I went against my desire to write her quickly and hence waited until Sunday late afternoon (around 5:30pm) before sending a follow-up, because I didn't want to come off as desperate and too much into her. She didn't answer straight away which was a bit frustrating, but this morning i got a response and I am really confused about it.

So here's what i sent :

''Hey

How are you? I enjoyed spending a bit of time with you the other day. I hope you are willing to do it again (even though you lost our little bet because you had forgotten your glasses at home )''

And her response from this morning :

''Hey, yes I'm good nothing special and haha yes, but I may have to go to the Nederlands tomorrow or next week because they need a bit of help again, so I may not be home this week... ''

Seems like a pretty negative response to me. Only impossibilities, no suggestions nor effort for us to meet should she not have to travel. What do you think I should do ?

I agree. That sounds like an "I'm unavailable for the foreseeable future" response.

Personally, I think you should throw the ball back in her court by saying something like this:

"Ah ok - you sound pretty busy! Well, I don't want to bother you, then but I had a great time and I'd love to hang out again. Why don't you let me know when/if you are available and I would love to plan something special".

TaaDaa! Ball in her court.

Trust me, if she likes you and is excited about things, she will definitely let you know when she is available.

I get you, and parts of me like your suggestion. But doing that puts me in the weak/waiting/puppy/passenger seat - which I am not sure is attractive to girls ?...

That doesnt make you weak at all, it puts the ball in her court, which is what needs to happen.

OP, your instincts are spot on, no it's not attractive to girls.

She is lukewarm at best, and sending a response like that to her "blowoff" text (which essentially it was) indicates an over-eagerness on your part that will surely send her straight over the edge to "ugh, no thank you." It would me!

In my world, anything other than a yes, is a NO.

OP, consider it a loss.

Flipping the script, if I had asked a guy to get together after a first meet/date, and received a text like that, I wouldn't respond back at all.

But then again, I'm a girl lol, so maybe it's different.

Maybe = no.

I "may" have to go to [wherever] = no.

And re the "chemistry" you said you felt, I read a great quote once that I have never forgotten.

"Two people can be on the "same" date, but be having two entirely "different" experiences.

The fact she kissed you might seem positive, but she may have just been caught up in the moment too.

That's happened to me. Once I get home and think more about the date and him, realized I was just not all that interested.

Nothing he did or didn't do, just not "feeling it."

It was only one date, best to just leave it, imo.

If you want to respond

Hah... yeah... I'm really confused as to what to do now.

That doesnt make you weak at all, it puts the ball in her court, which is what needs to happen.

She already knows he likes her, wants to see her again, and that the ball is in her court.

While couched "nicely" her response was a blow off, unless she is intentionally "testing" him or "playing hard to get."

I would not recommend "chasing" a girl like this, and I am a girl!! LOL

OP, surely she is NOT your only option?

Her taking long to reply is not necessarily a bad sign imo... I mean you did take 2 days to text her, she might also be trying to not seem overeager. It kind of sucks that in your first message you didn't come out with a specific date/plan.. the "I hope you might want to maybe see me again sometime" (exaggerating on purpose).

If you want to see her taking her response as a negative and not responding will not get you a second date. I would text back with something along the lines of "Hey, tell you what, prior to you going to the Netherlands, lets meet up! Do you like pool? I have some time open on Tuesday - Wings and a Beer at X place? They also have some pool tables - I will school ya!"

It's not about her being my only option, it's about me liking her. And no I don't exactly have other options, should I ? My goal is not to score, my goal is to spend time with someone I really like.

But if two people like each other, shouldn't it be easy ? Maybe I should just send something like ''Alright - hope you get something good out of your trip, sounds interesting! Get back to me if you feel like it, take care

Hah I'm so confused now, by the different answers you guys have given me

It's not about her being my only option, it's about me liking her. And no I don't exactly have other options, should I ? My goal is not to score, my goal is to spend time with someone I really like.

 

But if two people like each other, shouldn't it be easy ? Maybe I should just send something like ''Alright - hope you get something good out of your trip, sounds interesting! Get back to me if you feel like it, take care

 

Hah I'm so confused now, by the different answers you guys have given me

 

Yeah, welcome to ENA! There will always be conflicting advice.

 

Follow your own instincts, and let chips fall where they may.

 

Every woman is different and will respond differently.

 

Good luck!

Well - the way I see it, it's either a "no" or she's just oblivious.

If it's a "no", it doesn't matter what text you send, it will still be a "no".

If she's oblivious to the way her text came across, it will be 100% clear you are into it and leaving the ball in her court.

What I would find a turn off is if someone kept chasing me for weeks trying to figure out if I'm free and just not getting it.

One more text to put the ball in her court? You have nothing to lose. It's either already lost or, if there's hope, you'll know when she replies.

Is this someone you met on the internet? You'll likely never see her ever again anyways if it doesn't work out.

It's not about her being my only option, it's about me liking her. And no I don't exactly have other options, should I ? My goal is not to score, my goal is to spend time with someone I really like.

 

But if two people like each other, shouldn't it be easy ? Maybe I should just send something like ''Alright - hope you get something good out of your trip, sounds interesting! Get back to me if you feel like it, take care

 

Hah I'm so confused now, by the different answers you guys have given me

 

Having other options prevents "oneitus," too much focus on one girl such that you come on too strong, texting too much, chasing when she shows disinterst, etc.

 

Also when you have other options, it increases your self-esteem and confidence, and high confidence is extremely attractive to women!

 

Studies also show it even increases testosterone on some level (this was discussed in an article/thread I created months back).

 

Women can sense all this, they can feel it, it oozes from a man's pores lol, and it draws them to you like bees to honey!

 

Other women may disagree, as I said we are all different.

 

But I am speaking from experience, having been with men who had oneitus for me, and men who had other options.

 

Early stages.

 

Don't beat me up ladies, lol. just me!!

 

 

 

,

Yeah I get you, oneitis or not, I'm not the kind who writes a lot and keeps chasing... I'm not gonna chase someone who doesn't want me, so I'm not worried on that front

Thinking of sending something along the lines of :

''Ah ok - cool that you're doing that again, sounds interesting!

Well we could potentially see each other before you leaving, if not then have a good trip, and take care of yourself ''

After that, any ''meh'' or negative answer and I will let it be.

What do you think?

(and no it's not someone from the internet, it's someone I've met out in town on a few occasion, we have one or two acquaintances in common)

I think if she were interested she would have come back with a yes, I would love to get together again and then tell you about her trip and say she would let you know if she has to go or not, then you could schedule something...

I think if she were interested she would have come back with a yes, I would love to get together again and then tell you about her trip and say she would let you know if she has to go or not, then you could schedule something...

Well I think the same as you, but we're all different, as people keep saying...

Maybe I should just go for :

''Ah ok sounds interesting!

Have a good trip then, take care of yourself.''

Well I think the same as you, but we're all different, as people keep saying...

 

Maybe I should just go for :

 

''Ah ok sounds interesting!

Have a good trip then, take care of yourself.''

How about this:

"Ah okay, have a good trip!"

That's it!

She may wonder why you're not chasing her like all the other guys, which makes you stand out, and increases your value.

As a woman who has dated a ton online, I gotta be honest: when a guy takes that long to contact me after a great first date, I lose interest in the meantime, and I also figure he's lukewarm about me, given the lag time.

My favored thing is for a guy to ask me out really quickly afterwards. Even if I'm lukewarm about him, I give it a chance because I so much appreciate the quick ask.

Hum... feels like games and , which I hate... Maybe I should just be myself, and send what I feel like, just one message and I won't chase her afterwards.

''Ah ok sounds interesting!

I'd like to see you, so you're welcome to get back to me.

If not have a good trip, and take care of yourself ''

I guess if the person doesn't appreciate, or gets turned off, or whatever, then it !

Hum... feels like games and , which I hate... Maybe I should just be myself, and send what I feel like, just one message and I won't chase her afterwards.

 

''Ah ok sounds interesting!

I'd like to see you, so you're welcome to get back to me.

If not have a good trip, and take care of yourself ''

 

I guess if the person doesn't appreciate, or gets turned off, or whatever, then it !

Yeah I guess it is sort of a "game," which can actually be fun!

I used to argue against game playing until I realized that *I* play too, we all do in our own way, we have to.

We all have little strategies we undertake to make ourselves attractive and appealing to the opposite sex, some more extreme than others, but we all play the game on some level.

This girl may even be playing a game, who knows.

Best of luck whatever you decide, keep us posted!

Well I think the same as you, but we're all different, as people keep saying...

 

Maybe I should just go for :

 

''Ah ok sounds interesting!

Have a good trip then, take care of yourself.''

I don't think it hurts to send a message, I wasn't really discouraging you not to, I was just saying if she were into you I would have expected a more excited response... But, like someone else said, you did wait a few days to message her so maybe she's coming off with a chip on her shoulder since you took so long?!?! Who knows. I'll never understand why or how people do some of the things they do to others.

If you do text her, my only advice would be to stop with the wishy-washy stuff :

"Well we could potentially see each other before you leaving, if not then have a good trip"

BETTER - more affirmative/confident:

"Well we SHOULD see each other before you leave! How about - *Give a concrete specific plan*"

To the OP re playing the "game."

Why did you wait two days to send a follow up text? So you would not appear too over eager, correct?

You admitted this in your first post.

Was that not a "game" of sorts? Yes of course it was.

I am not judging or faulting you btw. We all do what we need to do.

For me, had I been interested, a man waiting two days would not have a negative consequence whatsoever and I would have enthusiastically accepted his date request.

It may have even intrigued me a bit, wondering whether or not he would call.

I sort of like that uncertainty in very early stages, it intrigues me,

Again, assuming I had high interest, which is what you want, no?

Of course that is what I want

Well now it's not in my hands any longer, as I have sent a message :

''Ah ok - cool that you're doing that again, sounds interesting!

We should see each other before you leave, either tonight/tomorrow night, and if not you're welcome to get back to me when you're home.

Regardless, have a good trip, and take care of yourself ''

Guess we'll see. But I have been myself with this girl and treated her well, so I couldn't have done anything differently, besides not being myself.

Worst case she ain't interested, I'll be sad, and move on. Happens to us all

Of course that is what I want

Well now it's not in my hands any longer, as I have sent a message :

 

''Ah ok - cool that you're doing that again, sounds interesting!

We should see each other before you leave, either tonight/tomorrow night, and if not you're welcome to get back to me when you're home.

Regardless, have a good trip, and take care of yourself ''

 

Guess we'll see. But I have been myself with this girl and treated her well, so I couldn't have done anything differently, besides not being myself.

Worst case she ain't interested, I'll be sad, and move on. Happens to us all

Keep us updated!

I can't speak for others but I think all these rules are sometimes pointless and are often used for a person to avoid reality, that you're probably more invested than the other person.

The reason I say this is because if I'm actually interested in someone, I don't care if you text me 10 minutes later, or call me the next day. I'm going to be happy to hear from you and honestly if you wait 3 days I'm going to assume you don't feel the same. I think 'overeagerness' is a thin line that is completely dependent on how the other person feels. If I'm into you and you're into me, you being up my butt probably will take a while to bother me. Not saying it would never bother me, but first contact after a great date? For me, it doesn't matter, if I'm not interested and you wait 3 days to contact me? Guess what, still not interested and if I'm lukewarm waiting is going to cause me to move on that much easier so sometimes I wonder how sound this 'wait to reach out' advise really is. It wouldn't work on me. But maybe I'm weird I don't know...