Marriage Advice ...

My husband and I have only been married for a year but we have been together for nearly 12 years.

About 6 months ago he started suffering with anxiety and this developed into also suffering with depression. He had been having therapy and also taking medication. Things seemed to start improving but then started to flare up again. At first he would always say his problems weren't to do with us or me but I could tell our relationship was becoming strained. In the end he admitted that he felt as though he was losing his individuality and felt suffocated in our relationship. I suggested we go and see his counsellor together and he agreed. I didn't find this a positive experience. She began by telling us that love was only a chemical reaction and that she believed people weren't really meant to stay in relationships for long periods of time etc ... I don't know if I just took everything negatively ...

We were meant to go back but my husband forgot to confirm the appointment and then we never got around to booking another, I felt like I had began to nag when I asked about us going back ...

Last week he decided to tell me that the only way forward now is a trial separation and he has gone to stay with his parents. Since he went I have heard from him once.

I am going out of my mind here whilst trying to respect he needs space.

The way he spoke in our one contact makes me feel like this isn't going to end well.

I want our relationship to work but I also want him to be happy.

I feel stuck in limbo now waiting for him to make a decision.

I really feel like we need to talk and I think that we need further relationship counselling but with a counsellor that is new to both of us. I feel like I have been burying my head in the sand but I hear him loud and clear now.

Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?

Cat Lady:

This was most unprofessional and no properly qualified therapist would say this:

"She began by telling us that love was only a chemical reaction and that she believed people weren't really meant to stay in relationships for long periods of time etc .."

So unhelpful and wrong.

Therapists don't "tell" you things, they work with you to find your way, so to speak.

You are quite right to seek a proper therapist, make sure you investigate his or her qualifications.

When one spouse or partner has a mental illness it naturally puts a grave strain on the marriage. Is he still on medication? And sees his therapist? His doctor?

What LaHermes said. A COUPLES counselor said that?? . Time to see a different counselor, STAT.

My husband and I have only been married for a year but we have been together for nearly 12 years.

 

About 6 months ago he started suffering with anxiety and this developed into also suffering with depression. He had been having therapy and also taking medication. Things seemed to start improving but then started to flare up again. At first he would always say his problems weren't to do with us or me but I could tell our relationship was becoming strained. In the end he admitted that he felt as though he was losing his individuality and felt suffocated in our relationship. I suggested we go and see his counsellor together and he agreed. I didn't find this a positive experience. She began by telling us that love was only a chemical reaction and that she believed people weren't really meant to stay in relationships for long periods of time etc ... I don't know if I just took everything negatively ...

 

We were meant to go back but my husband forgot to confirm the appointment and then we never got around to booking another, I felt like I had began to nag when I asked about us going back ...

 

Last week he decided to tell me that the only way forward now is a trial separation and he has gone to stay with his parents. Since he went I have heard from him once.

 

I am going out of my mind here whilst trying to respect he needs space.

 

The way he spoke in our one contact makes me feel like this isn't going to end well.

 

I want our relationship to work but I also want him to be happy.

 

I feel stuck in limbo now waiting for him to make a decision.

 

I really feel like we need to talk and I think that we need further relationship counselling but with a counsellor that is new to both of us. I feel like I have been burying my head in the sand but I hear him loud and clear now.

 

Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?

Let's be completely honest here....there was absolutely NO incidence of any kind of anxiety or depression in the 12 year span? Zero? Were you on again off again so maybe didn't notice the times he was actually depressed because he pushed away/you were on break/he was "busy" and didn't see you as much? And what did you do in the past with relationship issues that came up -- were they just not delved into because you weren't married, etc?? Also, why was their no marriage during the first 11 years of the relationship?

also, a separation - unless there is physical violence, drug abuse etc....or for whatever reason someone should be removed...is the worst way to "work on" a marriage. If you are working on staying married -- being apart makes no sense. Taking TIME apart like pursuing seperate hobbies a few hours a week if the couple smothers eachother is entirely different. I think he is listening also to the wrong therapist. he should be seeking personal therapy for depression primarily and a couples therapist should not be asking you to seperate right off the bat if there is no abuse. They should be helping you work things out.

Cat Lady:

 

This was most unprofessional and no properly qualified therapist would say this:

 

"She began by telling us that love was only a chemical reaction and that she believed people weren't really meant to stay in relationships for long periods of time etc .."

 

So unhelpful and wrong.

 

Therapists don't "tell" you things, they work with you to find your way, so to speak.

 

You are quite right to seek a proper therapist, make sure you investigate his or her qualifications.

 

When one spouse or partner has a mental illness it naturally puts a grave strain on the marriage. Is he still on medication? And sees his therapist? His doctor?

I agree. She did say she couldn't tell us what to do but I don't think it was helpful for her to give us her opinions on relationships. I don't know if she was trying to normalise it? Either way when I tried to talk to my husband about it afterwards he said she didn't mean it the way I had taken it. I have researched her and she seems very well qualified but maybe it's also not great that they have built up a relationship and she doesn't know me at all.

I hope that whatever he decides he wants to do with our relationship he will allow us to go see a different counsellor to talk things out.

He is still taking medication at the moment - he sees a doctor (non-psych specialist) about every 2 months now. He is continuing to see his therapist for psychotherapy and hypnotherapy.

Thank you for your help.

Let's be completely honest here....there was absolutely NO incidence of any kind of anxiety or depression in the 12 year span? Zero? Were you on again off again so maybe didn't notice the times he was actually depressed because he pushed away/you were on break/he was "busy" and didn't see you as much? And what did you do in the past with relationship issues that came up -- were they just not delved into because you weren't married, etc?? Also, why was their no marriage during the first 11 years of the relationship?

No sign of clinical depression before. He has always been an anxious person (as am I) but this is the first time his anxiety has really started to affect his day to day living.

We were young when we first got together, still studying. Our lifestyles were very different, living with friends etc. After a year or so I moved away (about 2 hours away) to complete training after graduating. He stayed there but we travelled up and down seeing each other. Just over a year later when I was looking for a job back down there he decided he would move up and then we lived together ever since. I'm not sure why we didn't get married sooner, neither of us are religious or from religious families and it's just very normal to co-habit in a long term relationship. We got engaged about 4 years ago, we weren't planning on having such a long engagement but then a year or so later we bought a house, which was an expensive time, and so are weddings.

I know this sounds a little unrealistic but until now we have had a fairly uneventful relationship with regards to trouble. We bicker sometimes and have the odd disagreement. The only real major wobble we had was early in the relationship when he became jealous of a male co-worker I had (who incidentally was gay). But once we actually spoke we got over that quickly.

He says it is the marriage that is suffocating him and is making him resent married life. He said it is nothing to do with me personally?

To be fair to the therapist she did suggest taking time apart rather than complete separation so I don't know if this trial separation is his own idea, something he has read about online to something he's discussed with her separately.

I know that we need to talk, we need to be honest with each other, I want to try and save our relationship ... but I'm so scared he's already given up and thinks completely removing himself from his life with me is the only way to go.

I suggested we go and see his counsellor together and he agreed. I didn't find this a positive experience. She began by telling us that love was only a chemical reaction and that she believed people weren't really meant to stay in relationships for long periods of time etc ...

That's outrageous! Maybe his counselor is the source of the problem!

I'm sorry, but it's way too neat..., he's seeing another woman.

So you can understand infidelity, secretly purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough"

PS, Yes, the counselor IS a quack.

CatLady.

I fully agree.

and it's just very normal to co-habit in a long term relationship.

A vast number of couple co-habit (long-term) and do not marry for a wide variety of reasons. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Considering that in some countries 50% of marriages end in divorce, what is so great about marriage?

Marriage is great when it works; co-habiting is great when it works.

CatLady.

 

I fully agree.

 

and it's just very normal to co-habit in a long term relationship.

 

A vast number of couple co-habit (long-term) and do not marry for a wide variety of reasons. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Considering that in some countries 50% of marriages end in divorce, what is so great about marriage?

 

Marriage is great when it works; co-habiting is great when it works.

I do wonder whether this would have happened if we had remained co-habiting ...

I'm sorry, but it's way too neat..., he's seeing another woman.

 

So you can understand infidelity, secretly purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough"

 

 

PS, Yes, the counselor IS a quack.

Interesting. Why would he not just tell me? Wouldn't he be happier if he was secretly seeing someone else? And why would he go miles away to stay with his parents?

I have had a look at that book though ... looks interesting!

CatLady. It wouldn't have made any difference IMO. Co-habiting LTR/marriage.

Anyhow:

"In the end he admitted that he felt as though he was losing his individuality and felt suffocated in our relationship. "

Depressed people operate obviously within a different framework from the rest of us. So that factor must be taken into account. Has he always been a depressive type?

CatLady. It wouldn't have made any difference IMO. Co-habiting LTR/marriage.

 

Anyhow:

 

"In the end he admitted that he felt as though he was losing his individuality and felt suffocated in our relationship. "

 

Depressed people operate obviously within a different framework from the rest of us. So that factor must be taken into account. Has he always been a depressive type?

Not really unless he has hidden it from me in the past. Like I said he is a quite anxious person, but it has never impacted on his day to day living before. When I was trying to talk about the depression in our counselling session, the therapist mentioned that she thought it was the marriage and getting 'stuck in a rut' that caused the depression ...

He is usually quite solitary - he likes to have his alone time and do things by himself, which I have always been happy to let him do.

At the moment I feel like he is trying to push me away and make me make the decision about our relationship so he doesn't have to. I have suggested the counselling again saying whatever happens we need to talk about this. However, he is talking about still needing time alone, even away from his family.

I don't know if I am just fooling myself by waiting ...

So, he has gone to stay with his parents, but, he also want alone time away from them/family too?

In effect, he is gone.

So, and just my personal opinion, but I feel it would be best to bring matters to a head, tell him you can't live in this kind of limbo, (trial period), and tell him he will have to decide.

So, he has gone to stay with his parents, but, he also want alone time away from them/family too?

 

In effect, he is gone.

 

So, and just my personal opinion, but I feel it would be best to bring matters to a head, tell him you can't live in this kind of limbo, (trial period), and tell him he will have to decide.

Thank you for your honesty LaHermes.

At the moment I am worried about his mental stability and ability to make a decision.

CatLady.

At this point maybe you should just do the deciding. Make it YOUR decision!

The problem at the moment is that I want us to have counselling and see if we can resolve this anyway but at the moment I can't have that.

Thank you for all of your replies.

Interesting. Why would he not just tell me? Wouldn't he be happier if he was secretly seeing someone else? And why would he go miles away to stay with his parents?

 

I have had a look at that book though ... looks interesting!

Because you don't understand..

Buy it and read it.

Does the book cover things other than infidelity? Also I read a few reviews that say it has a Christian focus, not being religious will I still be able to find benefit from it?

Also, are you on commission or James Dobson himself?

CatLady.

Steer clear of those books with a religious agenda. There are plenty of books out there that have an objective view on such topics.

I really do wish certain people would stop pushing the religious agenda here. Many posters, you and I included, CL, are non-religious.

I'm not religious and found some good tidbits in there.

Just ignore the religious stuff. Oh, and music quotes! Did I really need to read the FULL lyrics of "Jesse's Girl"?? LOL

Does the book cover things other than infidelity? Also I read a few reviews that say it has a Christian focus, not being religious will I still be able to find benefit from it?

 

Also, are you on commission or James Dobson himself?

 

His book is one of two that I credit for saving my marriage.

I read at least a dozen secular books before I hit on Dobson.

 

The secular recipe: it has to be 50/50 and the wayward spouse has to change..., now pay me. (Oh yes, they fill their books with a lot of stuff..., but that's their universal message.)

 

Dobson's: You must be willing to set him free.

 

----

He says it is the marriage that is suffocating him and is making him resent married life. He said it is nothing to do with me personally?

- This is right out of the cheaters handbook.

My situation is extremely similar to yours Cat Lady...

My (ex)wifes depression and anxiety got worse and worse until even our marriage was brought into question.

We went to different counsellors both together and separately...

She continued to wall herself off and distance herself from me.

Unfortunately for me, I don't have any good news for you.

I now live in my own place. I had to move out leaving her and my step kids while she 'works out what she wants '. It was brutal. It tore me to shreds. I am now going through the grieving process.

But you cannot put your life on hold while they make up their mind...whether he comes back or not.

Right now you (and I) are suffering from separation anxiety, and it's friggin horrible..

But even if they came back now, the problems would still be there.

The lead up to a breakup is horrible but once you've done it, the grieving and healing can really begin *

And by the way, I don't agree that there is necessarily anyone else in the picture but I also can't guarantee there isn't. But you probably shouldn't worry too much about that at this stage anyway.

Sending you Strength*

Carus*

Carus, I'm sorry to hear that. You are right, we need to look after ourselves. After recent events I have decided at the moment I need to start focusing on myself. I am still worried my husband is mentally ill at the moment but as many people have told me recently there's nothing I can do to help at the moment.

I still haven't seen my husband but we have 'spoken' a few times. He is coming to see me on this week before he goes on holiday to the other side of the world to find himself! (Interestingly he has chosen to fly into the city we got married and started our honeymoon in). I have stopped trying to understand what's going on, I have no idea what's going on in his head BUT I know that whatever does happen I am going to be okay.