I don't know if I want to proceed further with my Marriage

Hello. I would like some insight from individuals who have found themselves in similar situations as myself. As stated in title I'm unsure if I want to continue with my marriage. My spouse is extremely irresponsible as I always have to remind her to get things done consistently and that is an understatement. Today this makes possibly the 6th to 7th time we have argued over the same thing. I would inform her to get a simple task done, in this situation I told her to get a bill paid by a specific time frame. The bill is in my name, however, I have extended my credit to her father in which he has agreed to pay it in monthly installments. Her father put her in charge with his banking information and for who knows why he does not want to pay it directly with the creditor but instead have his bank pay the creditor. I work in the credit industry so I have and understanding that payments don't always go according to plan. Last month my spouse forgot to make the payment and I had to intervene and do it myself. We discussed greatly what needs to be done and what she needs to do.

For some reason she always uses the excuse that she forgot, that is not going to work with me. I have reminded her several times what I need her to do and every single time she has failed to get a simple objective done, and for this reason I don't feel I can rely on my wife. I'll bring it up and she'll say that I don't love her and we'll argue and whatnot and reconcile. Please note: Money is not an issue. It is the fact that I can't stand my wife not being responsible to get things done. We have been married nearly 2 years and while I still love her.. Well you already get the point. What can I do to move forward from this? We have talked several times and she just does't get it. Should I leave her? We don't have children and just to put it out there I am more financially responsible than her and pay for the majority of things 4 out of 5.

If the bill is in your name then pay it yourself. That is not showing financial responsibility at all.

Your wording here seems rather dominating. Perhaps the pressured method is part of he problem.

If you can pay the bill yourself, why not just do that? Seems like it would save arguing.

Is there a way you two can sit down and reorganize the duties of the household? For example, I have a friend who is notoriously disorganized when it comes to receipts and due dates, but loves to do home maintenance. So her husband takes care of bill paying and such, because he knows she'll forget or get overly stressed out, and she takes care of figuring out how to get the deck fixed or the water heater replaced. Or sit down and try to figure out a system to help her remember: help her set calendar alerts, or autopay. In a marriage, you're a team: you try to work around each other's shortcomings and improve on your own.

If the bill is in your name then pay it yourself. That is not showing financial responsibility at all.

Your wording here seems rather dominating. Perhaps the pressured method is part of he problem.

Guys, money is not the problem here. As stated earlier yes the bill is in my name, yes I can pay it but the point is I extended my credit to my spouse's father with a mutual agreement they would have my spouse pay it using her father's own funds. I keep track of all my billing and have been perfect thus far. The point is I tell her to do something and she fails to deliver. Here's another situation to add, I asked my spouse to reach out to a property manager to inquire about any openings and get information since I am at work during their office hours and unfortunately when I call they are away. She had the whole day and I even reminded her that very morning and she agreed to do it. It wasn't accomplished as usual and I had to go through other means to obtain that information and luckily I was able to get in touch. These are small things I remind you and I am fairly busy with work as is. All I ask is a small task.

Decide if these are important enough matters to you

I can't speak for you, but these are fairly inconsequential.

She is not you and this may be a challenge to her.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Is there a way you two can sit down and reorganize the duties of the household? For example, I have a friend who is notoriously disorganized when it comes to receipts and due dates, but loves to do home maintenance. So her husband takes care of bill paying and such, because he knows she'll forget or get overly stressed out, and she takes care of figuring out how to get the deck fixed or the water heater replaced. Or sit down and try to figure out a system to help her remember: help her set calendar alerts, or autopay. In a marriage, you're a team: you try to work around each other's shortcomings and improve on your own.

We do have an understanding on who does what and it works seemingly well. As stereotypical as it sounds she cooks occasionally and cleans the house and of course I will do my part if she is away from home and there is a mess. I've discussed setting a reminder and apparently she has one set but she always says she forgets which frustrates me. We've had deep talks about it multiple times and it frustrates me so much I don't know if I can be with someone I can't rely on.

Decide if these are important enough matters to you

I can't speak for you, but these are fairly inconsequential.

She is not you and this may be a challenge to her.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Yes we both have come to the conclusion it's hard for her. I guess to put more into perspective she is 21 and I am 5 years older than her. She is still learning how the world works. I don't want her to make mistakes like getting into credit card debt and etc as I have experienced it first hand. I understand I may come off as a bit controlling and have to tone it down and I have when we discussed it together but she has not done her part I need someone who can help me when my hands are full.

It sounds like you are both learning how the world works. That doesn't stop with age either.

The only way for a person to learn is to learn it themselves and not through another person.

So many of you on here saying pay it yourself??? Wait a second he has been nice enough to extend his credit for someone else and they or his wife takes no responsibilty??? Sorry but his wife and father in law should do the right thing and pay on time or not be so nice an allow usage of his credit.

Have you ever heard the term "passive aggression"? Your tone - at least the way it comes over on here - sounds a bit directive and controlling, and my guess is that failing to do perfectly reasonable tasks is her way of rebelling against it. Of course, she may just have learned this kind of behaviour from her parents, as her father sounds just as clueless as she is.

Whatever... you are taking the role of 'responsible father' and she's behaving like an irresponsible teenager in financial matters. This is not an effective way of dealing with day-to-day issues. I'd suggest couples counselling, but if that doesn't have any effect then you will need to rethink your marriage. This is not someone with whom you can make long term plans with any confidence. Sure, she's young - but there are plenty of 21-year-olds who are financially responsible and her age is not really the issue.

As a general point, though, don't bail out adults who have got themselves into financial messes of their own creation. It'll all end in tears if you do.

This one hits a little too close to home. Your intuition is correct to be worried about this. I was with my ex for 10 years and she exhibited the same exact problems. She tried a hard as she could, but was too irresponsible. She was also self-centered and these characteristics stemmed from her immaturity. I met her when she was 23. OK, fine, some of us are not fully mature at that age. But my ex still had these problems 10 years later. It wasn't until I got cancer and needed her during treatment that I saw she was only there for me maybe 80% of the time. The rest of the time, she was concerned with saving her vacation time for herself, blowing off taking care of my cat, and shopping with her friend. It eventually caused me to change my mind on having kids with her which led to her falling out of love with me and the ensuing break up. There was no way I was going to let her do to my children what she did to me. I would've lived with guilt for the rest of my life.

A lot of us aren't fully mature at 21, but a lot of us are. And some of us never fully mature (it's due to improper parenting). It's up to you to use your intuition and determine if she has it in her to grow up. From my experience, what you're describing is just the way she is and the way she's going to be. But take care to not be too patient if you decide to give her more time. It's not your job to raise her, you're not her parent. You don't want to be like me and have 10 years blow by on someone who didn't have it in her to make the leap. This is your life and you only have so much of it.

And I see a lot of advice about do it yourself, or workarounds. Don't cover up this problem. She's immature. And things will only get more demanding if/once you have kids. You're not going to be able to handle all the responsibility on your own. You'll need her.

If your father-in-law owes you money then he should pay you what you are owed, not pay your bills. You pay your own bill and when money paid back by the father-in-law comes in, its a bonus. You are "testing" your wife, you are not showing her love. And even if she has guardianship of some sort, your father-in-law's account is still his account, its not your wife's account to do as she pleases.

If this bill is the only problem in your marriage than you need to just pick your battles and forget about this. Let your father-in-law pay you back when he can or if your wife has guardianship, she writes a check to you from his account at the appropriate time of the month that works best for your father-in-law's finances. it could be that the best day based on when his checks come in may not coincide with when your bill is due.

Maybe its time for you to be the finance person in the family and just take over paying the bills. Some couples its the wife, sometimes its the husband. And it shouldn't be "i am responsible for 4 out of 5 bills" ---- you are married - its your joint money and some should go into a pot where bills are paid out of rather than still acting like roommates.

Guys, money is not the problem here. As stated earlier yes the bill is in my name, yes I can pay it but the point is I extended my credit to my spouse's father with a mutual agreement they would have my spouse pay it using her father's own funds. I keep track of all my billing and have been perfect thus far. The point is I tell her to do something and she fails to deliver. Here's another situation to add, I asked my spouse to reach out to a property manager to inquire about any openings and get information since I am at work during their office hours and unfortunately when I call they are away. She had the whole day and I even reminded her that very morning and she agreed to do it. It wasn't accomplished as usual and I had to go through other means to obtain that information and luckily I was able to get in touch. These are small things I remind you and I am fairly busy with work as is. All I ask is a small task.

Then take a break at work and call yourself. She may not know enough about what you intend to ask the property manager and even if she does call, you may not be satisfied that she didn't ask enough questions. Surely, you get a lunch break, or can leave a message after hours telling the property manager when you are available - or you can email the property manager, right? She may be agreeing to do it and forgetting because she has ADD or she may be just agreeing to it because you are speaking in an aggressive tone. If everything else is fine with your marriage except when she has to call on your behalf for personal business, then just make your own calls.

Let me understand, you are thinking of getting a divorce because she forgets to pay bills that you "told her to pay"?

I suspect there are more issues than what is listed here.

If she is not good at it, then changes need to be made. Marriage is about give and take. About learning together. About supporting each other's strengths and weaknesses. Not by thinking of bailing because one has difficulties in one area.

My ex husband would get so angry because i didn't takes the trash out. He would mention it - and then i would be on a conference call and then one thing after another and i forgot. Actually, it would have been no big deal because the trash didn't need to go out until that night for the next day - but he ranted and raved and called me a liar because i "went back on my word". I remembered when i saw my husband walking in. The call i got for a job interview, etc, kind of eclipsed it. Hopefully you don't wreck your marriage the same way. I am fortunate enough now to be in a wonderful relationship. Whoever takes the trash out takes the trash out. No one reminds anyone. Whoever happens to remember and does it - great. if not - well we learn our lesson and have to run agter the truck or it sits for a week. its NO TRAGEDY - the world does not crumble. And neither will your world.

It sounds like you are trying to be a dad. I tell my daughter to do things. I would never presume to tell my wife what to do. Why do you think commanding your wife is fine? I wouldn't "do as I'm told" by my SO either.

I'm pretty surprised to see that you are contemplating divorce over such an inconsequential issue. I realize this is an issue that does not feel inconsequential to you, but in the grand scheme of things it is.

I'd suggest you take some time to think about all the wonderful qualities of your partner and appreciate what she does for you. I'd also suggest you seek counseling because there sounds like there are problems underneath the surface if you are contemplating divorce over this.

Also here's the reality. No partner is perfect. Everyone has shortcomings. For instance, I'm a planner. I would very rarely forget to pay bills; it's just not in my personality. I remember things very well. I've had a couple of long relationships where the guy was forgetful and was not able to take initiative on planning in many respects. Yes, this was annoying but it took some soul searching to realize that although these shortcomings can be annoying, it's not a dealbreaker and certainly not a reason to leave someone.

I also feel like you are setting her up to fail. You know this is her shortcoming and you are trying to change her, rather than work with her. That's not what love is. This is who she is. Maybe she will change, maybe in a few years she will be financially responsible. Maybe not. She's going to disappoint you because you are trying to make her live up to expectations that are not realistic for her. Figure out another solution. Seek counseling if you honestly feel this is worth divorcing over. Remember that you are not perfect either. It's possible if you took the pressure off of her, she might even come around on her own. Not everyone works under pressure and personally I'd resent anyone commanding me or trying to control what I do.

You can't change her so work together to find a successful resolution. This is a good skill that will help you in any relationship, and if you divorce her and find someone else, I guarantee there will be issues you both will need to work through together and support each other with.

"The point is I tell her to do something and she fails to deliver."

- You've unknowingly set your path toward divorce.

If that's what you want..., okay.

If not, your going to be really sad.

She's your wife, not a co-worker or a child.

PS,

"If don't know if I want to proceed..."

-Your unloving ways are already removing that question from your hands.

Your wife is not your secretary. She is your partner in life.

Hi everyone I greatly appreciate the insight that was provided. I do agree I came off aggressive, I am not able to discuss this with anyone and wouldn't want to provide personal information to friends and family as it is between my spouse and I. So of course this tension has been building for the past few months. I agree with what someone said, I feel somewhat like a father figure in this relationship and that isn't what I want of course.

I figure I should put this out there due to the confusion. My father in law is an illegal and he doesn't have access to credit for obvious reasons, he is not in any form of financial crisis. I took out a home depot credit card to help him with home improvements. And yes I know it's weird that hes an illegal but somehow owns property but that is for another story. The reason I do not pay it is because my father in law did not want me to pay my bill directly as he wanted to do it himself. But of course hes a bit older and not as good with technology so my spouse agreed to make the payments on his behalf. She would have to make the payment through his bank and that is exactly the situation.

My spouse and I have other issues as well. The small things I ask if she can take care of it is because she is a part time worker and recently graduated so she's more free to do as she pleases. Yes, I do reach out to whomever I need to do business with but I dont have have the luxury to wait on hold and when I do take lunch its at a time frame for notorioulsy high call volumes. Since I work office hours it's unlikely for me to get in touch after work.

In no way am I trying to justify myself here, that is just the way the situation is. I agree that I shouldn't change my wife. I like alot of things about her and we get along but I feel she doesn't take me serious when I ask for something. Keep in mind I do pretty much everything in this marriage. I just want her to do her part or put a little effort.

Your wife is not your secretary. She is your partner in life.

That is not the intention at all. Also it makes no sense when I am the one taking care of her.

Keep in mind I do pretty much everything in this marriage.

I'm telling you man, I just got out of this exact relationship. Think about your future kids. I don't like to be so judgmental either and you may think the world of her, but there are better out there for you. She has a huge character flaw (immaturity).

I was sort of like you Crescent. I complained about her easy approach to everything.

The short version, I was trying to turn her into me.

Each of my aggression's was turned into a brick, which was turned into a wall.

I almost lost her.

If you want her to change, you have to change first. That is, change into a genuinely loving husband.

Purchase Gary Smalley's "If only he knew" (Never let her see this book)

btw,

Once the wall is high enough, you won't hear her talking to your best friend. (It's most times someone close)

The wall takes years to dismantle, that is if your lucky/smart enough to get a chance.