Facing the consequences of not blocking my ex - Used and broken, Again!

Background

 

I made a post a month back about my ex (she is married with kids, I am single) from 8 years who tried to get in touch with me through social media and when that did not work, she started texting me. A quick glance at this post will be useful before providing me the much needed help.

 

 

Quick summary of our relationship

Classmates from school. Dated for 3 years during our bachelors degree. She left me abruptly for someone else without any warning. I went into severe depression and cried to her on the phone. She told me to "Be a Man". I told her I can't live without her and would probably kill myself. She told me if I do, don't jump from the 7th floor because that will only break your bones and won't kill you. I asked her what to tell my parents and she said something on the lines of that is not my problem.

 

I worked really hard to move on and I DID! I made something of my self and lived a very happy life.. until yesterday.

 

Current situation

 

I request anyone reading this post to go through this section completely before skipping to the next one. Unlike what most people would do, I didn't block her. I thought I could keep my emotions in check and face the situation (and for the most part, I did).

 

In my last post, I mentioned that she had messaged me saying " What's it going to take to make you Speak ". I ignored that message as well. A few days later, she sent me a message that was meant for someone else and immediately apologized for the mistake. I ignored this message as well. She called me a few days later and immediately cut the call followed by a message saying it was accidental. I ignored again. A few days later, she messaged asking if I have even added her number to her contacts and that I should at-least give her some response. At this point, I didn't see any harm in asking her what she wanted and I did exactly that. She told me she wanted a mobile app built for her startup and I was apparently the only person she knew who was into programming. I replied saying I am not accustomed at building mobile apps and told her Ill see if I can hook her up with someone who does. A few hours later she replied asking me if that was it and all I wanted to know was why she was getting in touch? I replied telling her that she got in touch because she wanted professional help and asked her if I missed something. A few more messages were exchanged and I told her I don't feel the need to connect with you beyond this at the moment.

 

Sadly, it didn't stop there. She sent one more accidental call my way a few days later. Fortunately or unfortunately, it was my birthday a few days later and she wished me. I replied saying thanks as a courtesy. I thought it would stop here. I was wrong again. She sent me a message a few days later asking me for a reason why I don't want to connect further. I explained to her how she walked away and disappeared on me for so many years to which she replied saying that I disappeared on her as well. This is when I had enough and I thought it was time to explain to her that she cant wreck someone's life, walk away and turn up after 8 years and expect them to be on the same page. She apologized and said something on the lines of how circumstances didn't allow her to think straight and how we have been friends before we dated and know each other for half our lives and I should think about it. I did not respond.

 

I thought that would be the end of it but I was wrong once again. She sent me 5 long messages one night explaining why she didn't get in touch all these years. This was a turning point on my stance. One of her reasons was that her dad passed away a few months after our breakup (this was 7 and a half years back) and her mom wanted my ex to be married off before anything else goes wrong so my ex married decided her current husband right away. She told me how she always wanted to get in touch with me but had a series of other unfortunate events (difficult delivery of her child, etc) and reiterated how I never got in touch with her all these years. This is where I gave in!!!! I let my guard down. I showed sympathy. One thing lead to another and we started reminiscing old times. We chatted all night long and spoke about the good times and why our relationship didn't work and everything else under the sun. I made it very clear to her that this night would be the last time we speak and she shouldn't expect me to stay in touch after today for the sake of our sanity. But she kept sneaking that question in every now and then throughout the night about staying in touch as friends and how there is a void in her life that only a good friend such as me can fill. I didn't accept this invitation of friendship and told her to let it go and just cherish the conversation we are having right now.

 

The night ended. The day began. We said our goodbyes. I was happy I didn't leave her hanging and gave her closure. I was happy I spoke to her, kept my emotions in check and did not let this impact me. I thought this would be the end of it. But boy was I wrong. Just like that, another accidental message arrived in my inbox the next night. At this point, I knew I had to be assertive and make it very clear that this needs to stop. I told her to delete my number from her phone. I told her this is not healthy. I told her her husband will be most impacted in this. I told her there is a child in her arms and a man in her house. She sounded broken. I didn't want her to be broken. I wanted her to understand and move on. So I told her give it a good thought. Collect her thoughts in one place and get back to me tomorrow and I will help her through it. She messaged me the following night. She said she had given it a thought and had a question for me. She asked whether I would want to be friends with her if she wasn't married. I said hypothetically speaking, yes, because I would not be harming two other people in the process (her family). She seemed convinced with this and it finally registered with her why we cant stay in touch. I thought Ill give her one more night of conversations so that we both can move on after this. We spoke again the whole night. Reminisced some more good times. We spoke until daybreak. This is where the worst thing happened. Her responses started becoming a little cold. She started sounding busy. And out of context, she said "This is what closure feels like my friend. And come to think of it. The timing of it. It is amazing". I asked her what she meant by this and she said.. 'Nothing. I was just messing with you with a smile". I tried to continue the conversation but I started sensing that she is disinterested. So I decided to say goodbye one last time. She immediately replied with a bye and that was the end of it.

 

Why do I feel used and broken, again?

 

1. She pushed and pushed till she could get a conversation out of me. She even used her dad's death to get some sympathy and it worked.

2. She got the closure she wanted and I was left with confused, conflicted feelings at the end of it. And to say something like "This is what closure feels like my friend" and proceed to be a less interested in the conversation when i gave her two long nights to come to terms with her demons? That is something I can't come to terms with.

3. Why did I even help her out with the closure? This is a girl who left me for someone else, came back in my life after 8 years. Did not respect any boundaries and when she got what she wanted, she had the audacity to tell me on my face that she now realizes what closure feels like, thus implying that she got what she wanted and abruptly being disinterested in the conversation.

What I feel like doing :

I want to drop her one last message. Something on the lines of :

 

 

, I want you to go through the entire conversation we have had so far (right from the very first message). I want you to see how you got in touch with me on the pretext of wanting "professional help". I want you to see how you sent me the "accidental" calls and messages to get a reaction out of me; and when that didn't work, you pushed further asking me for a response. When I did give you a response and explained why I didn't want to speak, it wasn't enough for you. I want you to see how you sent me those 5 long messages where you spoke about your dad passing away and other circumstances without first asking me if I want to hear you out. I want you to see how I stayed up all night with you and spoke to you to make you feel better. I want you to see how I heard you out once again and made you understand that your husband will be impacted if you speak to me now because he only knows me as your ex. In the end, I want you to see our last few messages. Specifically the one where you said "This is what closure feels like my friend" and when I asked you what you meant, you said you were just messing. When you are done with all the above, I want you to know that I put my sanity at stake to make you feel better. In the end, what I feared happened. You walked away with a sane mind leaving me behind with all the chaos. I want you to know that no matter how much you convince yourself and what justification you use to do so, you are wrong. You wreck lives and walk away. It's high time someone told you that. Please don't get in touch with me again"

 

After that, I want to call some of my very close friends (who know her) and tell them what happened. When we broke up, I told nothing to our common friends. But not this time. I want my close friends to know how I approached this as an adult. I want them to know how she wrecks lives. After that, the choice is theirs whether they still want to acknowledge her as someone they know or not.

Block her. Let her go. Don't ever speak to her again.

 

Don't go trashing her to friends etc. It makes u look foolish. U have dealt with enough. Just move past her dumb A. She's a B. Just forget her.

Don't do it. She is a massive jerk no argument on that but the quickest path to healing from being rejected again is to drop it. (What you can do is write out what you have above in long hand on paper and then burn it).

 

Call your friends, but ask them how their days are going.

I thought that would be the end of it but I was wrong once again. She sent me 5 long messages one night explaining why she didn't get in touch all these years.

Where are your personal boundaries, Amano? You should have blocked her after she told you that she wanted professional help from you after phishing for you to respond without even mentioning that. If her 'excuse' for getting in touch with you was legit then her FIRST contact to you would have been to ask about creating the app for her and were you able to do it... not some crumbs hoping you would nibble on the bait and she would hook you into her attention getting drama once again. You nibbled and nibbled until she jerked your line.

I told her to delete my number from her phone.

If you meant that then YOU should have blocked her and not left her to fish you in again.

 

This is about you and YOUR inability to keep her out of your life... a woman that left you heartbroken does not deserve to hear your voice again when she has the pull on you that this one does.

 

If you can't get the strength to block and delete her then you should probably seek out some counselling so that you understand what personal boundaries are and that having them solidly in place will keep you safe from damsels in distress that feed your ego with their words and false needs to have you in their life.

 

Don't drop anymore messages. Simply make is so that she can't reach you again. You've already told her that she has a husband at home and a baby in her arms and that is enough for the two of you to stop this dysfunctional dance you have going on.

 

Up to YOU to end this for good by ending all means of contact once and for all. If you can't do that then get that help I mentioned to give you the tools (personal boundaries) to be able to.

 

I made it very clear to her that this night would be the last time we speak and she shouldn't expect me to stay in touch after today for the sake of our sanity.

Because of her success in reeling you in, she didn't believe you and, once again you proved to her that what you say is nothing she should worry about because with perserverance, she will hook you again. Block and delete and lose all means of contact to her... you're not strong enough to ignore as history has proven.

 

This is a girl who left me for someone else, came back in my life after 8 years. Did not respect any boundaries

You haven't any boundaries when it comes to her. If you did, you would have ignored altogether and when she kept at it, you would have blocked her so that you didn't go through this remorse and pain due to allowing her to manipulate you once again.

 

Time to forgive yourself for falling for her science once again and you can do that by having learned the lesson that she's not worth your time or response or even 'one last message.' She's not worth bad mouthing to your friends either which will only show them that you are still not over her and you've yet to reach the stage of indifference to her.

The only way to win this battle is to refuse to stoop to her level, and walk away with your head held high. At any rate, keep in mind that the day will come where she'll have to face her own consequences.

I know blocking is the way to go after my initial posts here. I thought my story would be different. I thought I could keep my emotions in check and not let it affect me. But it did. I guess it is true. It is nothing but my inability to block her that has got me in this situation.

 

Update : She just messaged me saying : Breaking protocol one last time. But wanted to run you through my startup and get your views on it. If you are interested. Let me know!

It looks like I now really have enough incentive to block her. I told her in our last chat. No accidental messages. No accidental calls. No asking common friends about my status. And she still went ahead and messaged me again right now.

I know blocking is the way to go after my initial posts here. I thought my story would be different. I thought I could keep my emotions in check and not let it affect me. But it did.

 

Update : She just messaged me saying : Breaking protocol one last time. But wanted to run you through my startup and get your views on it. If you are interested. Let me know!

Block her dude. For goodness sakes what will it take for you to be able to do that? What kind of a hold does she have on you still that you can't banish her for good?

 

This is about you and YOUR inability to keep her out of your life... a woman that left you heartbroken does not deserve to hear your voice again when she has the pull on you that this one does. Your non response to her last message makes it loud and clear that you are not interested... Blocking her is you telling you that you really are done with her.

She's baiting you, yet you're already aware of that.

 

Carry on....

Ruuuuuude. Do not reply. Definitely do not help. You get the last laugh here because she will never hear from you again.

I was thinking of sending her a message saying "Delete my number" and then block her immediately without waiting for a reply.

If I have to be honest, my only objective here was to win. I kept my emotions under check while speaking to her because I wanted to win. I wanted to have the upper hand of being the sane one. If I block her after all this drama, I feel like I have lost. I spoke to her for two nights. I can't abruptly block her now. The least I can do is reply to asking her why she didn't bring this up even once for the two nights we spoke and then tell her we are done?

Your ego is getting the better of you to the point that you don't even realize that you LOST the minute you replied to her.

 

If you block her from 'all this drama' your ego won't be stroked when she reaches out again and you're having a hard time doing without that stroke. You would do well to get yourself into therapy to help you understand that dysfunctional attention is a negative and not a positive.

Agree. Go no contact and block and delete her from everything. Not worth the drama.

 

This in itself is a reason to steer clear Ginji;6806600]she is married with kids

Nope, not worth the cost of a text, the mental energy of composing a reply. Ignore delete block

I have pulled the trigger. Blocked her on text, Facebook and Instagram.

 

I feel like sh*t . This is not the end I wanted. It feels like I am ending this abruptly. It was going so well. I had emotions under check. I was being mature and reasonable the whole time we spoke and now I am back to feeling sad. My recovery process starts now. I hope I have the strength to get over this once again and quickly.

 

One thing I know for sure is that the day is not far when she is the reason for her own destruction considering the way she doesn't realize basic rules of life.

 

Any pointers on how to recover ASAP would be really helpful now..

I also feel the need to tell my two very close friends about this. They are mature enough to not complicate things further. I will tell them things the way they happened. No sugercoating. They can decide for themselves about how they feel about this. It is absolutely essential for me that my friends know this otherwise I stand a chance to be misrepresented in the future.

 

Really need your views on the above.

No, no and no.

 

What your friends will hear is "I still love her. I can't get over her. I let her back in and now my feelings are hurt".

 

Confide in someone who doesn't know her if you need to vent.

I understand.

 

But she got hold of one of our common friends (all three of us are in different cities now) to confirm my number and she told me this herself when we chatted. She used him to find out if I am still single and asked me many times during our conversation if I was seeing someone. Don't you think my friends need to atleast know the other side of the story on how she did all that she could to get a response from me. I know I am at fault here too to not block her right away. But I will not be telling them I am hurt. I will not be telling them she walked away once more.

 

I will only be telling them how she pushed and pushed and that she has now been blocked because of my own inability to block her earlier. I want them to know the impact of their interference in my life without my consent.

 

As of now, all they probably think is that my ex and I broke up on bad terms and that sharing my life details (directly or indirectly) with her was harmless.

 

They need to know so they know the impact of their interference. These are my close friends. They made a wrong judgement because I never bad mouthed her all these years. if I don't show them the impact of it, they might do it again.

What is the best life you can dream for yourself if she had never existed? What are your goals? What are your ambitions? What are you doing to achieve them? Is there something you've never tried before that you would like to? Is there a hobby you already dabble in you would like to get more involved in? How are your meaningful platonic connections with others? Do you have family/friends you should give a call to and see how they are going? Someone you could meet for coffee or hobby or adventures? Do you need to get out and expand your social network? What does your ideal self love about life?

I get what you are saying.

 

On an unrelated note, I have some severe physical health issues that I am battling with right now (not life threatning. Atleast no such diagnosis as of today). I bought my self a high end bicycle so I can incorporate exercise as part of my daily schedule. But I have been unable to go for a single ride because I have been unwell this entire month. That adds to my lack of self control when the ex pops up because my health sucks.

 

That said, I live with my family. I have a twin sister and we are practically together for life. I have a lot of friends (close but somehow still distant) who I meet up almost every weekend and we have wonderful times together; however, they seem to be tough to keep up with these days because of my health issues they don't know of till date. I travel a lot too. I love music and I play the guitar. I am pursuing a course in music production online. I want to do something creative. Still, my current job is not that bad and I get paid more than the amount of work I do so work life balance is good.

 

In general, life is good. Struggling with the health issues since a good decade now but hanging in there. This is the single most reason why I am not seeing anyone yet. I feel handicapped with my health issues and it shows. Trying hard to fix it but nothing seems to work. This is probably why the girl still has a hold on me. She reminds me of times I was healthy. Times when I was young and kicking. She doesn't know that life has been physically difficult for a long time. I hope this changes as it impacts my mental health a lot.

 

Thanks for asking all those questions and helping me introspect.