This is my story....

I was in a relationship with a girl for two very long years...

During these two years she broke up with me 9 times, and I broke up with her twice.

During the relationship, she was not very loyal; she kept guys around who sent her sexually explicit messages and pictures, she was submitting nude photos to people on Tumblr, and she was always pushing my feelings aside to do what she wanted to do such as posting nudes, and sending nudes. If that wasn't enough, whenever I addressed my issues I had with her, I was always made to feel like I was being irrational and too controlling.

One of her exes horribly abused her, and raped her; she now has two kids by him and he is always trying to do something to make her feel like crap. She has PTSD from that relationship, and from her horribly abusive mother, she claimed that all of her bad behaviors were from dissociating and the things that she did to me was her way of dealing with it.

Whenever I mentioned that she might need help for her issues, I was always made to feel like some sort of monster for even mentioning it because she didnt have any issues, but whenever she did something horrible to me, it was because of her issues...that was the excuse she always went to.

Everything was my fault somehow, I wasn't paying attention to her despite talking to her from sunrise to sunset so she had to seek attention from other guys, I treated her like she was cheating so she went out and cheated anyways, etc.

After two years of putting up with all of this, I decided to leave because one day I woke up and realized that I was starting to dissociate, she had done three things in the course of 2 months that really hurt me. She had let a friend send her sexually explicit messages, and she had not told him to stop nor did she correct him, when I called her out on this she defended him and fought me tooth and nail on it saying that this was how they joked around and I was being weird about it, she stuck with that for a month....

I was tired of always being the villain, of feeling like I was an evil tyrant, of feeling like the only way I could get answers was to hack into her phone or her online accounts and snoop just to see who she was talking to and how.

I broke up with her and for 4 months after that all I heard from her was how much she had changed since the break up, and suddenly she saw how the things she had did in the relationship were wrong, she was always getting mad at me because I told her I didnt believe her because I had begged for the behavior to stop for 2 years and every single time I was made to feel like a jerk for it and now that she no longer has me she sees the error of her ways, i told her it was all to convenient.

I decided to try and see if she had changed, and for the month that I gave her the chance, the entire time she was just trying to exploit loopholes and talking to other men and trying to set up hook ups while I was right there, while she knew that we were on a trial period to see if she had truly changed....and she hadn't, but she got mad when I told her I didnt see these changes...I was bad, I was irrational for it because how dare I? Even though I told her it was a trial period, we werent officially together and she didnt see anything wrong with what she did...I was in the wrong...again.

I gave this girl everything I had; I paid for her phone bill, a $600 phone that she was using to cheat and deceive me with, I funded birthday parties for her kids and bought them presents for their birthdays and holidays and let her put her name on them instead of mine, I worked 40+ hours a week just so I could afford to see her and spoil her, and while I was hard at work, she was sneaking around on the internet talking to other men however she wanted....

Despite how terrible and manipulative she was, I still find myself messaging her and asking her why she hurt me, even though we have talked about this over and over again since we broke up in October.

Why cant I get her out of my mind? Why do I feel the need to personally attack her, or come at her talking about how she hurt me, and how she made me scared to even think about trusting or being with anyone again?

When will it end?

Before any of you ask why I didn't leave sooner, it was because I was under the impression that maybe I had been the one in the wrong the entire time and that she was being very patient with me despite how bad I was. I felt like I owed it to her, and I love her very much and wanted it to work, I wanted to show her unconditional love because I know what its like to be loved conditionally.

Read some articles on co-dependant relationships, and you may get some insight into your psyche and why you do what you do. "It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."

As far as I'm concerned, unconditional love should be reserved for ones child. I don't love my spouse unconditionally. He keeps my love by being worthy of my love. I have standards. If he cheated on me or abused me, he'd be gone by the time my heart took its next beat.

You should have been done after the second break! It will end when you end this nonsense. C'mon, this is ridiculous.

This is on you! You are not a victim, as you knew long ago that this was not working. You ALLOWED the behavior, by returning to this woman, over and over.

Block her, already!

As far as I'm concerned, unconditional love should be reserved for ones child. I don't love my spouse unconditionally. He keeps my love by being worthy of my love. I have standards. If he cheated on me or abused me, he'd be gone by the time my heart took its next beat.

Totally agree with Andrina!

I suggest you get therapy for you issues. too. Your co dependent, doormat ways, need to end!

You mentioned in another thread that you are obese and struggling with your weight. I suspect that low self-esteem and lack of confidence kept you in this situation. Maybe a therapist can help you work on this.

Unconditional love is such a flawed concept. You should never offer someone your love when they treat you like s**t. That's just an attempt to get the other person to see your worth, and it doesn't work when the other person doesn't give a flying crap about you.

Don't go throwing your hard-earned money at the wrong women. You cannot buy someone's love, even if you had good intentions. Paying for her things was never going to convince her that she should stop being an arse.

I would agree with the others that a good therapist would be able to help you figure out why you got so attached and why you continue to feel the need to make your ex see your worth. This is more about you and your self-image than it is about your ex.

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like a lot of anger and remorse and feeling like she played you for the fool. Stay no contact. That's the best thing for you.

Why do I feel the need to personally attack her, or come at her talking about how she hurt me, and how she made me scared to even think about trusting or being with anyone again?