So worried ex hates me and it's making moving on impossible

Hey guys,

My ex and I had a really messy split a few months ago and went back and forth for a long time. We ended things on good terms at one point, but I called her a bit after that in a moment of weakness, kind of unknowingly treating her as a friend, and things ended in another fight.

Long story short, we fought a lot, I made some mistakes, she asked for a "temporary break" but said she didn't want to see other people. It turned out she hooked up with someone a few days after that and lied repeatedly about. I was devastated and she was extremely apologetic for a few days but then got impatient with my inability to "let it go" and "resolve conflict". We broke up, she said it was because of me, and that it was "on me" to let her know when things could work.

I deleted her on Facebook a few weeks later, she called, was really sweet and wanted to get back together. I said no because of what happened but that I still cared a lot about her. We fought a lot and I initially asked her not to contact me anymore, but then apologized and we ended things on good terms. It made me feel like we might have the ability to be friends.

A few weeks later I called her about some unrelated things I was struggling with. She went out of her way to call me back, but I missed the call and she was furious and found it "unfair and disrespectful." I apologized a ton and said it wouldn't happen again but she was clearly very mad about it.

That was about a month ago. Her birthday was a few days ago and I didn't say anything because I decided it would probably be better to stay no contact at this point. But... a few days later I caved and texted her, saying I wasn't sure if she wanted to hear from me on her birthday but I wished her all the best.

I was hoping that might patch things up but... no response. I think either 1) She's really hurt and feels like I don't care about her anymore or 2) She just wants nothing to do with me.

The thing is that I do still care deeply about her but I just can't be in a relationship with her because of everything that happened. But it KILLS me not having ended things on good terms. Could I do any harm by following up and apologizing again?

Why exactly do you need it to end of good terms? This relationship is over and you need to walk away. This all feels like excuses to keep things going just that little bit longer. Cut all contact, delete all avenues of communication that still remain and begin the process of moving on.

The "bad terms" of the breakup are mainly because it keeps getting drawn out and you keep reaching out to her, she gets upset or angry at something and you feel bad/worse or it turns into

some big fight.

You don't have anything to apologize for.

Do not contact her.

You're almost never going to end on good terms with an ex and be able to be friendly. It's rare. Breakups sucks, it's hard and it can bring out the worst in people. The best breakups are when you focus on moving forward. Your ex isn't part of your life anymore.

I missed the call and she was furious and found it "unfair and disrespectful." I apologized a ton and said it wouldn't happen again but she was clearly very mad about it.

- sillyness. You don't owe her anything! You're not longer together.

Best thing is to back off, totally. No more 'expectations'. angry arguments, etc.

You NEED time apart now.. so stop all interactions.

What's done now is done.. sadly Damages included.- her sleeping with someone else ( But you were separated then, right?).

Then, time to respect each other and give SPACE.

And one can't be 'friends' with an ex until those 'feelings' are gone.

Unfortunately all this sporadic meaningless contact may be putting her off. For example who wants to hear after the fact that "I was going you wish you happy birthday but then didn't but now I'm contacting you anyway"?

Passive-aggressive approaches like this tend to backfire. She didn't contact you on your bday so that means no contact would be better sustained at this point than strange messages that sound like head games.

Her birthday was a few days ago and I didn't say anything because I decided it would probably be better to stay no contact at this point. But... a few days later I caved and texted her, saying I wasn't sure if she wanted to hear from me on her birthday but I wished her all the best. I was hoping that might patch things up but... no response.

If you want to leave things on good terms stop communicating with her.

Relationship endings are typically emotionally charged and people are often not at their best.

In those moments things get said that you can't take back . .as you are experiencing.

You are way too worried about an ex who lied to you, essentially cheated since your "give me space" was supposed to be about distance and not sleeping with other people, and then wanted you to forget about it like it never happened.

If she "hates" you it's just her own guilty conscience talking, but honestly she should be the one worrying you hate her. While I think hate is a strong word that doesn't really apply here, I do think you should just be feeling both disgusted at her lack of honesty and empathy and glad you dodged that bullet. Because it was indeed a bullet.

Block and delete her on everything, move forward, work on your esteem issues, and learn from this - when someone lies to you it's okay not to be okay that they did that. And if they "hate" you for it, it's their guilty conscience they're hating, not you.

Talking to her is only making things worse for both of you, so stop talking. Consider the relationship dead and heal and move on to better.