Need advice, but mostly - get this off my chest

Hi there,

New here, in desperate need to rant to someone everything that happened today. I don't know what should I ask you. I don't know what kind of answers I hope to get. I hope for some kind of advice or just an "I hear you".. Sorry, this should be long - I always write looooong texts.

So, main characters: me and him. Together almost 2 years, most of the time spent in long distance (he studies abroad in different EU country than we come from). But that wasn't a problem - WhatsApp, Skype, Facebook, calls almost 24/7 (well...as much as we can), one visits another every month. Both families love (other one). We met at his cousin's&my friends wedding, everything has been very fairytaleish since then.

Now, since mid-December, he was back home doing his Internship and is bound to return to the university on Thursday. On Friday, he and his childhood friend went to the bars and we agreed that he'll let me know when they're done and I'll pick them up. I received a message on Saturday @11:00 that they crashed "somewhere" and I can pick him up at-a-known-place-around-town, which I did, quite angry, of course. No hug, no kiss, no thank you, no speaking to me the whole day. I was hurt and when the lights were turned off I cried silently in a pillow, how melodramatic of me. Just then his hand touched me, with a "what's the matter, shhhhh" and he fell asleep. I planned to talk to him tomorrow. Next morning comes, no goodmorning, no touches, no kisses. He spent the whole day writing his thesis, while heavily ignoring me. Again I wen't to sleep crying silently. This time no shushing. I was hurt because he has a girlfriend living in town, he can crash whenever he wants/needs and he chooses to find someone other, not me, when he's tipsy. I was hurt because I was ignored even though I did what a good girlfriend does. And I felt rejected.

Today I left work early because I felt bad after two sleepless nights full of crying. He asked if he can come over and we can go for a walk. Sure. We went to a nearby forest-park. Mid-park comes his question- can we talk about us? Do you see a future for us? - aaaand here comes the waterfall and histerical crying. - Obviously you don't. - turns out he's been thinking for couple of weeks about this, didn't tell me because he didn't know what to do. And now I realize how twilightish this was - Edward took Bella to woods and dumped her. That's what I asked him - did he take me to the forest to dump me. "No, it's not like that". Doesn't want to see me cry everytime we say goodbye, "your life goes on", "how long will you wait", "I can't promise you anything", "I have a need for you". in the mean time he definetely promises to never cheat, but he needs me around. With "promise" he means when he'll come back, if ever (which until now was planned next summer, when we planned to by a house and start a life...), now he's not even sure that he'll return. And I understand it! That's how our relationship started - no promise of if/when he'll be back, with a promise to wait for each other and a possibility that if everything works out, I could move abroad. Now suddenly "my life doesn't stand still" and "how long will I wait". Yadayada, a dramatic tear-filled (from my side) hour later he doesn't want to break up, he loves me, everything's ok, don't cry, shhh, we're staying together, that's not how he meant this to be.

Came home, had lunch, cuddled a bit, couple of kisses and he left to pack his stuff at his home for the upcoming trip back to university. And I'm here dumbfounded. Part of me thinks he wanted to break up, but didn't because he fell sorry for me. Part of me thinks he's confused about his own future and really didn't mean to break up. I don't want to break up. I want the future we're planning for at least a year. That trip, that house, that car, that dog, those childer... But part of me fears that he'll leave and there'll be less calls, less chats, less less less everything until there will be no more "us"...

Unfortunately it sounds like the distance took it's toll, no?

I have no idea. I didn't acknowledge any change until Saturday. And now I'm replaying those last couple of weeks thinking about all the happy moments, at least for me, and now I wonder if those were the moments he was contemplating our future. - while I was soooo happy -

I'm a little confused: you were waiting for him to call on Friday night for a ride, but he didn't wind up calling until Saturday morning? Where did he spend the night?

It seems to me that he's backing out of the relationship. He doesn't want to hurt you, but he's having doubts.

I am also confused as to whether you two are actually broken up now?

Last part sounds like January 21 2016 which was me and my exes 15 month anniversary. January 22 we broke up. Sounds like you're both hanging on by a thread. Before you go through the emotional hell, I'd end if if you know he is going to

MissCanuck, yes, he had to call on Friday night, he didn't and he+his friend stayed at some other friend's place.

We didn't break up. Everything's as it was.

After he left yesterday we've been having completely normal conversations, chats etc as if the-Talk-in-the-woods didn't mean what I think it did. I don't know how can we forget yesterday because now in the back of my mind I have this information that he's not completely sure.

I don't understand how one can look at land plots for house building, talk about marriage, children, make plans for the upcoming summer and now suddenly everything's changed.

What. thehell. happened.

Now we're discussing a possibility for me to visit him in May. Completely not the right time as I also have to write my thesis + I'm getting a new job, but I'd do it because I want us to work.

On the other hand - would he do the same for me?

If he mentions break-up once, that means he has something in his mind which isn't right in the relationship. Maybe everything were going perfect on your side but he clearly has something. I'm not questioning if he really loves you or not. Sometimes the one might want to break-up even when they're in love.

So, my suggestion would be; talk to him properly about everything. Literally everything and tell him that you want to solve it now. Either this thing works or not, you must show him that you want to solve it. Ask him why he wanted to break up and now talking to you. If you both agree on everything and decide to continue, then there's no problem. If you can't find a middle way, then at least you're gonna know that you shouldn't wait him at all. While waiting him for nothing, you might miss your real chance with love. Think about it and relax.

Wishing you the best and hoping that you'll be happy at the end. Good luck.