Boss is pressuring me to come back to work just days after the funeral of my dad

Hi I have posted in the relationship forums a handful of times over the past few months but this has to do with my job.

The past two weeks I have been out of the office because my dad was rushed to the hospital due to his cancer. 2 weeks ago I was at the hospital for the most part and last week I was helping with the arrangements for his wake/funeral and staying over my Mom's to make sure she had company during all of this. While in the hospital I actually stayed over with my Mom at the hospital as well so I have been living out of a backpack for 2 weeks.

My boss throughout all of this has been understanding and repeatedly said take as much time as you need this is more important. So today I get a text from my boss saying "figured I would see you in the office today." Mind you the funeral was 3 days ago as of Monday the 30th. And Sunday and Monday have been the first time I have A.) had time to myself and B.) slept in my own apartment. I told her I am still a little unsure if I am ready to come back. She then said "well do you think you can come in tomorrow. This integration project is starting to heat up and we could use your expertise " I told her I had to help my mom with some arrangements on Tuesday (we are dropping off my dad's work stuff since he worked remotely to his main office in NH). I suggested I could come back on Wednesday but felt pressured into giving her that answer.

I personally don't feel ready to get back into work right away. I've been going through a lot of range of emotions and obviously feeling down. Part of me thinks it would be a good distraction but at the same time I feel like I wouldn't be that productive and I would be delaying the healing process.

I don't feel like dealing with having to hear coworkers coming up to me saying they are sorry and willing to get me anything I need. While i appreciate the kind words and thoughts, this is the same thing I have been dealing with for two weeks. On top of that, my ex also works in the same office (different departments) and has been reaching out to "catch up" and is something else I am not ready for. I'd like to have some time to myself, think about the good times with my dad and most importantly make sure my emotions are in check. And on top of that catch up on some personal things I haven't been able to take care of the past few weeks (bills, laundry, cleaning my apartment, etc.).

But I am also aware that I have been out for a couple of weeks and I'm sure there are some things I am behind on. But at the same time I know this stuff will still be there if I came back next week.

I don't want them to think I am milking this for some time off. And if this was an aunt or grandparent I would be back ASAP. But I think losing one of the big 4 pieces of your life (dad, mom, significant other and children) takes more time to get over since I had such a great relationship with him and he was a great dad to me. I am also worried about my mom and want to make sure I can be there for her through this week.

Sorry for rambling, but my question is, am I right for reaching out to my boss to see if I can meet her half way on this? I don't want to sound or act like a typical millennial who needs to be coddled all the time and have always been commended for not being like the typical millennial in the office.

Also my friends and coworkers have said to not rush back into it which has helped me feel more confident in reaching out to her.

Your company should have a bereavement policy. Look in to that ASAP. I don't know how much time you'll have but tell them you intend to take all of it. If you've used up your policy, you should go in to work out a plan with your boss. You may have to help with the project for a bit and then take vacation time.

Unfortunately I think that's your only option. I'm sorry for your loss.

I think you are a bit of a millenial. I'm a Baby Boomer and I was back at work three days after my mother died. People were counting on me and my career was and is very important to me. When my fiance died I was back at work two days later. Again, people needed me and he didn't any more. I guess this is how we were raised. Suck it up and get back to work. I have never regretted doing just that. It helped me heal better than wallowing in it. Life is tough sometimes, but we have to be tougher. But, you have been uprooted during all of this, so you may need a couple more days. If you value your job, call your boss and explain what was going on and that you need a little more time. Your coworkers probably could really use you right now, though.

That project needs to get done. Who steps into your shoes will make it plain that other people there have your expertise, thereby making you less important to have around.

I'd go back because I would want to demonstrate and feel my commitment to the job.

It depends on your boss, your workplace, and the bigger context.

Example - I've been with my workplace and job a long time, have an excellent rapport and track record, have covered the boss' butt on numerous occasions. So she gave me lots of time , and if she hadn't have offered it, I would have taken it anyways, without fear of any job insecurity.

Sounds like your boss doesn't really think long term in the sense of you being a key component . More like you are a piece on the checkerboard, and hey, I need you now, your grief ain't convenient anymore. That's... A lot of jobs, a lot of places. They don't really care about you as a person - just speaking what I see as true. But food has to go on the table, so sometimes we suck it up.

So it's weighing your health and impact this may have on your job if you ask for more time. I don't think there is a moral value to going early - in fact, be often wished there was mandatory time off for those who are grieving, as it's hard working with someone who is obviously working in a fresh grieving state.

When I was in my twenties I would have went back right away. Now I think... my health matters too and is a priority.

I just had a quick look at google to see what the mandatory is , but I don't know your location and obviously a boss can do what he wants as a discretion ...but it says only 2 days ..which shocked me .. I think you need to look into this and you might see that you have had more then he was legally required to give you . I am so sorry for you loss , much love to you xx

I see you went to the hospital two weeks ago but didn't catch when he actually passed. Bereavement usually kicks in on the date of passing, not the funeral, so I'm thinking it's likely time is up and then some. Additionally, if she's just texting you and not threatening any repercussions, I don't think she's being all that pressuring.

I'd be inclined to likewise advise you to go in. At least give it a shot to see if the momentum doesn't help. If you really think your work and mental health would suffer, you could ask if there are duties you could work on from home for the next few days.

Thanks for all the feedback. I needed a bit of a reality check on all this and will return to work tomorrow.

I have been at this place for over 5 years and have an excellent reputation and have always been willing to go above and beyond. Not to sound cocky but I feel confident in my standing where I work. If I was at a new company I would have gone right back.

If all else fails working from home is always an option if tomorrow doesn't go well

Most places where I have worked would recommend a leave of absence if necessary. Not in a punitive way, but as a way to give you time to focus on personal matters and give employees and team leads the ability to assign staff and complete tasks in a predictable manner. They need to know if you are available, or not. The "tweener" status is what is most difficult.

I think you are a bit of a millenial. I'm a Baby Boomer and I was back at work three days after my mother died. People were counting on me and my career was and is very important to me. When my fiance died I was back at work two days later. Again, people needed me and he didn't any more. I guess this is how we were raised. Suck it up and get back to work. I have never regretted doing just that. It helped me heal better than wallowing in it. Life is tough sometimes, but we have to be tougher. But, you have been uprooted during all of this, so you may need a couple more days. If you value your job, call your boss and explain what was going on and that you need a little more time. Your coworkers probably could really use you right now, though.

My job/career is important to me and I have a great standing within my department. Some coworkers even reached out and are irked that I am coming back tomorrow. I personally would like a little more time, more so because I am mentally drained. But at the same time my dad would want me to move on and continue to work hard and progress in my career.

One thing I forgot to mention, this project is a long-term project and not something that needs to be completed ASAP.

But I am going in tomorrow and my first order of business is meeting with my boss to catch up on things and work out a plan for all of this.

Good for you, sounds like you've considered all the angles to this. It's great you have an option to work from home if need be for a while.

You were there when you were needed - in your dad's final days and to help your mom make arrangements. Now that is all done. Going back to work tomorrow or in two weeks won't make the pain of losing dad any easier. I suggest you go back to work at least to touch base - and sometimes getting into a routine helps with grief. Plan to go to the cematery with mom in a few days or next weekend, perhaps for example. Your boss is hinting - so it might be a good idea to heed that. I also suggest grief counseling. The funeral home can refer you. If you can work from home - do so - but go back into the office for some face time with your boss and see what needs to be done.

You were there when you were needed - in your dad's final days and to help your mom make arrangements. Now that is all done. Going back to work tomorrow or in two weeks won't make the pain of losing dad any easier. I suggest you go back to work at least to touch base - and sometimes getting into a routine helps with grief. Plan to go to the cematery with mom in a few days or next weekend, perhaps for example. Your boss is hinting - so it might be a good idea to heed that. I also suggest grief counseling. The funeral home can refer you. If you can work from home - do so - but go back into the office for some face time with your boss and see what needs to be done.

Yeah I figured getting back into the routine, even thought I'm dreading it, might help. It didn't help that a few coworkers reached out saying they were shocked I was coming back so soon. But all that matters is what the boss is saying and not my coworkers.

Really the part I'm dreading the most is having to pretend to be upbeat and ok each time a coworker comes up to ask how I'm doing. I do appreciate it, but at the same time doesn't help with moving on.

Yeah I figured getting back into the routine, even thought I'm dreading it, might help. It didn't help that a few coworkers reached out saying they were shocked I was coming back so soon. But all that matters is what the boss is saying and not my coworkers.

 

Really the part I'm dreading the most is having to pretend to be upbeat and ok each time a coworker comes up to ask how I'm doing. I do appreciate it, but at the same time doesn't help with moving on.

You don't have to be upbeat. Just tell them thanks for thinking of you/being concerned.