Issues with my mother

Hello,

my my story is rather an odd one,I spent most of my teenage years knowing about my fathers affair with a much younger woman and then about his out of wedlock child but I never once said a word as I was terrified he would leave us and I felt I had to protect my brother at all costs.

My own relationship with my mother has always been strained. I've always resented her refusal to accept the truth.I remember being 15 and my dad having to leave us for business once again over the xmas holidays and my mother confronting my grandmother and threatening to leave him if she found out he had a gf as it was always odd he had to spend holidays on business.

I remember thinking that it was obvious he was having an affair and why didn't she have the strength to face him alone rather than involving my grandmother..

Regardless eventually a couple years ago the truth did eventually come out and yet instead of leaving him she's stuck by him which I guess some would say is a show of strength,she's even accepted his child which I refuse to make pay for the stupid mistakes of my father.

My issue is that my mum seems to blame the gf who she labels a 'gold digger' and just refers to my father as stupid.My dad doesn't want to be with my mum ( frankly I don't blame him) he works abroad and is rarely home.Im also sure he still is involved in some way or another with the woman he was having an affair with yet my mum seems to live in a world of her own.He is just too much of a coward to admit it and doesn't want to upset his own mother ( strong orthodox greek family beliefs )She is incredibly melodramatic and when she doesn't get her own way she has small fits where she claims her blood pressure is rising and she needs to go to hospital.

i just can't help but find the whole situation incredibly bizarre and I feel like I'm the adult advocate to my parents teenage episodes.

any attempt at discussing this is not taken seriously and she just puts on a mocking voice and taunts me.

The resentment just keeps building and I'm starting to worry that it's now overcoming all other aspects of our relationship.In other words I'm actually worried that I no longer love my own mother.

my own relationships have suffered due to my experiences,I overcame one very abusive relationship 3 years ago and have been mostly single since.I find it hard to get attached and starting losing interest and feeling detached very early on in the relationship.The only man who has managed to affect me since my abusive ex is a military pilot who has proved himself untrustworthy and fickle.

I don't know how to deal with all this and although it's not affecting my daily life,my close relationships are suffering greatly!

Im starting to feel cold towards just about everyone but my brother and half sister who I feel I must protect at all costs.

How old are you and are you living with them?

I'm 26 and yes I do but it's the expected norm in Greek societies to live with your parents until marriage so refrain from criticism.Also my father doesn't live with us,he works abroad and we have a huge house,so finding personal space is not an issue.

 

my own relationships have suffered due to my experiences,I overcame one very abusive relationship 3 years ago and have been mostly single since.I find it hard to get attached and starting losing interest and feeling detached very early on in the relationship.The only man who has managed to affect me since my abusive ex is a military pilot who has proved himself untrustworthy and fickle.

 

This killed me I'm so sorry to hear that all of this has taken it's toll on your relationships. You need to know that you are worthy of more than what your parents have, that there are good people out there who will have flaws but will treat you well.

This next part might sound a bit harsh, but please believe it's coming from someone who has been in a similar situation.

While your father may have done obviously terrible things, your mother is now an equal stakeholder in your anxiety and emotional conflict.

I dont want to critisise how you live at all, but it sounds like getting out of the environment would be the ultimate best thing to do. I know this may not be possible. Your mother sounds like she is manipulative and you will continue to suffer while you are under her control. She controls you through your siblings, through the relationship she has with your father, through her 'fits' as well as through her refusal to take you seriously.

Most likely she doesnt even know that she is controlling you because this is the way it has always been for her, so it's very hard to blame her, instead the resentment will just build, you can't see the good because there's so much bad.

The thing that I always hold on to is the fact that she will never change her behaviour no matter how much you try and talk to her about it, to get her to see your side, to express your concern, she will not change.

But you can change.

You can remove yourself from the situation, if not physically, then at least emotionally. Do not engage with any of it, when she starts to speak about your father or the situation, stay silent, dont reciprocate. This is SO hard and you won't get it right because the paths of arguments between parents and children are well worn. But when she has no reaction to bounce off, things can't escalate.

Sorry for the huge post, touched a real nerve here. I hope you're okay, try to look after yourself first and everyone else second or you'll completely burn out.

I did move out for a while but I moved back in both as I'm trying to save up to buy my own place and because I work almost 14hours a day and I'm hardly home anyway.

Thing is even when I was living alone she'd 'pop' round uninvited or she'd call me when she was around the corner to say she was around the corner and could she come round.We once had a massive argument as I said no she could not due to me just getting home and being exhausted but she came anyway after throwing a massive tantrum of 'other daughters don't treat their mothers this way' I sometimes feel as if everyone has to make allowances for her yet she doesn't seem to make allowances for others.

I don't blame my father for what he did,I blame my mother for allowing to have gone on so long and not being strong enough to allow a weak man to leave when he so obviously doesn't want to be with her!

My parents have never been affectionate,I remember a friend's father mistaking me for my friend and giving me a fatherly sort of head stroke and what I remember the most was not the embarrassment of having someone's father pat my head but rather that it felt comforting.Yet my dad is a good man and my mum is a good woman.What other woman accepts the child of her husband gf? What other woman buys that child bday and Xmas presents?

It's not malice that's the undoing of us but this constant weighing down of self pity.

Last night we had a massive argument as I came in completely exhausted and made myself dinner and a tea,she was in the process of also cooking herself an omelette.Everything was going well until she noticed I'd made a tea and not offered her one.I had not purposefully chosen to not make her a tea, simply put it didn't cross my mind,yet she started moaning about how selfish it was of me not to ask and how I only care about myself. I sat there listening to her getting more hysterical thinking 'this is all about a cup of tea?!'

I don't understand why everything has to be built up into this massive drama? Usually the next day she acts like it never happened until the next thing sets her off.

How is it possible for her to be two people?

I don't blame my father for what he did,I blame my mother for allowing to have gone on so long and not being strong enough to allow a weak man to leave when he so obviously doesn't want to be with her!

So neither of you want to blame your father for his own actions and would rather blame a woman for them? That's interesting.

At the end of the day, your parents relationship and how it works is nothing to do with you. You need to work out what your relationship is to each of them, not how they relate to each other. I agree that moving out would probably be a good move for you.

That said, maybe it's the Brit in me, but making a cup of tea while someone is right there and not offering them a cup is just bizarre. Especially if you're in their house.

I spent most of my teenage years knowing about my fathers affair with a much younger woman and then about his out of wedlock child but I never once said a word as I was terrified he would leave us and I felt I had to protect my brother at all costs.

This was both a survival instinct and a reflection of the power you associated with your father: that he had the power to carry on with impunity, that he had the power to make or break your family simply by his presence or lack of it. The power associated with your father is related directly to the passive behavior of your mother, as described below.

I've always resented her refusal to accept the truth.I remember being 15 and my dad having to leave us for business once again over the xmas holidays and my mother confronting my grandmother and threatening to leave him if she found out he had a gf as it was always odd he had to spend holidays on business. I remember thinking that it was obvious he was having an affair and why didn't she have the strength to face him alone rather than involving my grandmother.

Wishing she were more assertive may be a form of wishing you had a parent to protect you from this chaos. That you wished for two monogamous parents, lacking that, you wished your mother would fight to gain it. It is difficult to see in our parents that they may have shown inner strength in ways we can't see or don't appreciate. You begin to recognize that, now as an adult and as her knowledge became clear to all. She may have known all along, of course.

Regardless eventually a couple years ago the truth did eventually come out and yet instead of leaving him she's stuck by him which I guess some would say is a show of strength,she's even accepted his child which I refuse to make pay for the stupid mistakes of my father.

Many marriages stay together after similar circumstances, I can readily think of one involving a child as in your case, and another involving a best friend. People don't like to make others aware of how much they know about the affairs etc because they don't want to hear the cacophony of LEAVE HIM/HER. It is difficult to find friends/others who will support the non-cheating spouse who decides to stick it out (often both are cheating; the one benefits from the other getting the spotlight as the bad apple) .

My issue is that my mum seems to blame the gf who she labels a 'gold digger' and just refers to my father as stupid.

Why is this YOUR issue? This is your mother's journey, not yours.

My dad doesn't want to be with my mum ( frankly I don't blame him) he works abroad and is rarely home.Im also sure he still is involved in some way or another with the woman he was having an affair with yet my mum seems to live in a world of her own.

Do you see how your parents are quite similar and in some ways very well matched? In the above passage you describe your mom's isolation and what you perceive as cowardice enabled by stickingn her head in the sand, avoiding reality.

He is just too much of a coward to admit it and doesn't want to upset his own mother (strong orthodox Greek family beliefs). She is incredibly melodramatic and when she doesn't get her own way she has small fits where she claims her blood pressure is rising and she needs to go to hospital.

Your father is also sticking his head in the sand, avoiding reality. He is rarely home, is responsible to nobody but himself in terms of how and where he spends his time, is obviously not investing in any of his children (I too am G.O.; I get it what you mean!). He is avoiding conflict because the example his mother gave him is that conflict is either a huge issue or doesn't exist; he hasn't learned a way to resolve problems without blowing everything up. Call it cowardice if you like. From another perspective it is a rational coping skill when framed by his upbringing.

i just can't help but find the whole situation incredibly bizarre and I feel like I'm the adult advocate to my parents teenage episodes.

You have a choice how to involve yourself, or not. The degree to which you feel involved is your choice. Their lives are their responsibility. As you say, they are adults. If you view them as adults you will be forced to accept that they are as they have chosen to be.

any attempt at discussing this is not taken seriously and she just puts on a mocking voice and taunts me.

So why do it? You don't have anything to resolve, and apparently neither do they.

The resentment just keeps building and I'm starting to worry that it's now overcoming all other aspects of our relationship.In other words I'm actually worried that I no longer love my own mother.

Your resentment comes from your sense of yourself as victim. You are not trapped in their relationship in any way whatsoever. You put yourself there. See how much control you have, use it to create the level of involvement that allows you to see your mother as a human with many facets like the rest of us, and maintain that level of involvement to protect and enrich your relationship.

my own relationships have suffered due to my experiences,I overcame one very abusive relationship 3 years ago and have been mostly single since.I find it hard to get attached and starting losing interest and feeling detached very early on in the relationship.The only man who has managed to affect me since my abusive ex is a military pilot who has proved himself untrustworthy and fickle.

Do not date until you have learned how to detach from your parents' relationship. You have let yourself be codependent with them unnecessarily.

I don't know how to deal with all this and although it's not affecting my daily life,my close relationships are suffering greatly!

 

Im starting to feel cold towards just about everyone but my brother and half sister who I feel I must protect at all costs.

Your brother and sister whom you must protect from what? I don't see anyone making them victims except for your own assumption of their guardian. Much better to give them skills to love everyone as they stand before uis, not as we wish them to be.

Unfortunately your mother has dealt with it her way. She is lonely because she is neither divorced nor in a real marriage. She accepts infidelity as male privilege that she is the victim of. Her coping is through drama and hysteria and hypochondria.

Don't bother getting involved with their issues, past or present. Just smooth things over as long as you live in your mother's home.

Blaming your parents for your own relationship misfortune and choices is also not helpful and shifts your power over to something that has nothing to do with it.

It simply repeats the cycle of you being and playing victim as much as your mother does. Your contempt seems to arise from how similar you are to her acting out as the suffering woman at the hands of men and family..

Once you take control and responsibility for your life, choices and the type of men and relationships you choose, your life will be much happier.

My own relationship with my mother has always been strained.instead of leaving him she's stuck by him.she's even accepted his child. my mum seems to live in a world of her own.

There are plenty of books on enforcing boundaries. I'd suggest reading a few of them. Let your mother leave a message if you're at your future home and don't want visitors. You don't need to answer the door if she shows up unannounced. You need to stay in the same room and be bombarded by tantrums and rants. If you don't like what's being said, leave or ask her to leave. You teach people how to treat you. They need to treat you right or they will lose the pleasure of your company.

I encounter people every day who don't repeat the patterns of their parents misbehavior. If you feel like you're not a good partner and can't be, whatever the reason, seek counseling. Your parents are flawed human beings. You have no control over them. They made their choices in life and now need to live with the consequences. And just because it's a tradition to do something like not move out until you're married, if the tradition ends up being harmful to you, it's time to break tradition. I'd rather live in a 1 room abode like a studio apartment and save for a house rather than spend years dealing with a mother's tantrums and overstepping boundaries.

I'm 26 and yes I do but it's the expected norm in Greek societies to live with your parents until marriage so refrain from criticism.Also my father doesn't live with us,he works abroad and we have a huge house,so finding personal space is not an issue.

Thank you for your reply. And you are right, it is not anynody's business to judge where and how you live. I'm happy to hear that you are an adult though, which gives you more tools to deal with it.

I'm sorry that you were raised in a home that can be toxic for a child and can teach the child to be the emotional caretaker of adults whereas it should have been the opposite. I was raised in one of those as well. And I can see that you are analyzing the people in this household but I believe real understanding comes when we look at the dynamic instead of individual actions of the people here. Your parents are a problematic pair. Not just your mother, not just your father. They as a pair are in a crazy dance together, which has changed and transformed both of them and they are the different faces of the same coin. In this dynamic, they may have inner generated problems that they carry into the relationship as well as unhealthy stuff they have developed to survive in this dynamic. I can see that you are trying to distribute fault and it seems that you are identifying more with your father than your mother here. Or maybe you are projecting your anger with your father on to your mother. Answers to these change many times with age and in one's healing process. But please try to see that it's not one of them, it is both. Whatever they did together resulted in a survival, not thrival, environment for both of them and their children, where noone is properly happy. Your mother's survival tool is controlling, which is very common for codependents. Please realize that this may not be purely her fault but may be the result of years passed in emotional neglect.

Now, the most important part. YOU. You should be more important to yourself than their toxic dynamic as there is noone else but you who can take care of you. And you are doing a great job of recognizing how this household has affected your own relationship dynamics. It's time to focus on the right person, that is you.

To do this, you must come to a point where you are psychologically independent from both of them no matter whether you live together or not. You must turn your focus to yourself in your everyday emotional reactions in a detached manner. Sometimes, we understand what is happening but still give the reactions we are used to giving, like emotional involvement. Slowly, monitoring yourself and reminding yourself that you can't afford wasting any more energy on them, you can learn to turn your thoughts to more beneficial places, that is your life. healing from this surely includes making your own narrative of events, getting angry with them for what they couldn't provide for you, grieving, then becoming indifferent slowly and if you wish to do so, forgiving them, lthough noone can force you to. I think a good way to start is to drop expectations from them because they are both emotionally incompetent. You know better. Much better. You can also get in touch with the child inside you. When she reacts with fear (say in attachment issues), you can remind yourself and this child part that you are now here to take care of both of you. Self-help books can help a lot I think.

As for protecting your siblings, it again starts with yourself. Remember the oxygen mask metaphor on airplanes. If there is an emergency, we first put on our oxygen masks and then those of minors. This is because we must first be at a good, safe position to be able to help and protect others. I think you can protect them best by modelling healthy behaviour, healthy survival and thriving skills in your own life. By being happy. This way, they see another model in front of them and understand that happiness is possible for them, too, no matter what circumstances they were raised in. You can also offer them lots of emotional validation because they may need it.

Best,

To underscore Zeino's post, i share that my exH married me after a string of controlling girlfriends whom he hoped to avoid. Then he receded, responding to me only when i became verbally forceful. It took me years to take responsibility for who i was becoming and not to blame him. He is now married to his mistress, who is controlling to the point of reviewing his phone and bank records.

Eventually i accepted the fact that he chooses not to be happy. Feeling burdened and put upon is his comfort zone.

Your parents strike me in similar ways. What they have chosen is more comfortable than the alternative. Let them be, and show yourself that you are not in turn trying to control them by rejecting or judging them, as if they should change course for your approval.

Many Gk families have a similar pattern among the women; my theory is that its a way to get power in a patriarchy. It doesn't need to be your way. It may require years, decades to peel off layers. Every layer you shed will be impactful. Took me, I don't know... 20 years?