My family are unsupportive and don't really talk to us

I have a large family and this is aimed more towards my dad's side- my mum's side I don't have an issue with but we don't see them very often. In essence I don't really see my dad's too often either.

My parents got divorced in 2014 and it was a very tough time for my dad and really upset me and my brother. My dad's mum (my nan) was there throughout most of it because it was mainly my mum causing the problem. My dad has two siblings, his sister (my auntie) and his brother (my uncle). They are both married and have children (my cousins). When my mum and dad were together, I knew that my mum would often complain about not liking my dad's side of the family, saying they were 'selfish', 'greedy', and always 'in competition' with each other. When I was younger I didn't really understand what she meant by all this, but as I grew older and more mature I began to see where she was coming from. They are very centred around money and materialism and what I mean by them being 'in competition' would be that essentially my auntie's family and my uncle's family would always be trying to outdo each other with materialistic items. For example if one of them got an iphone 6, the other family would get an iphone 6s. It was always a one-up kind of thing. My dad, my mum and my brother never got involved in this because it was pretty petty.

My mum and dad also sent me and my brother to private schools. None of my cousins went to private schools and by no means do I think that the education we received was 'better' or am I being snobby about this. I would notice for example when I would see them at Christmas (and this was an incredibly small example) we would be sat playing cards and when it came to adding up the numbers on the cards we had, my brother and I were usually pretty quick at doing it whereas the rest of them would take time. This didn't bother me at all but I would notice the looks I would get from my auntie and my uncle's wife (so my other auntie) were generally distasteful or that we were just trying to show off, which by no means were we doing at all. That's just an example, but my mum would always point out to my dad that she didn't like the way they looked down at me and my brother when it came to knowledge or education.

The thing I have noticed in the most recent years is that they don't talk to us nor make any effort to talk to us. When we see them at family gatherings, they ask us the usual 'polite' questions such as 'how are you?' and to me 'how's university?' I will answer these questions and ask them the necessary back but after that they basically don't talk to us (myself, brother and dad). This upsets me more as I've noticed this much more since my parents got divorced and seeing as they aren't particular fans of my mum anyway I would've thought they would've been a bit more supportive. In fact some of my cousins have partners and I find them actually much more talkative to us than my own family.

I was upset recently by my nan actually as she hasn't yet visited me whilst I've been away at university. I asked her in the holidays when I was home if she was going to come up to visit and she said 'it's too far', when I know full-well that she went to visit my cousin whose university was a longer distance (to the extent where they had to stay overnight in a hotel) because travelling there and back in the day was too much. That really upset me as here she put in the effort to see my cousin when she was at a university further away yet to get to me is 'too far'.

This is a long post but I've actually become so disillusioned with my dad's family that I'm starting to not want much to do with them. I'm tired of making an effort and trying to talk to them when all they do is make me, my brother and dad feel so isolated whenever I see them

Just because people are family, it doesn't mean you're automatically close.

You visit your grandma, not the other way around. I would never, ever put my abuelita out by making her come to me.

It's a two-way street, and you might need to extend some warmth in their direction to start to build a relationship. You said " I will answer these questions and ask them the necessary back but after that they basically don't talk to us'. The part that stands out is that you ask "the necessary" which sounds a bit removed and they may not know that you want any different.

Consider re-interpreting how you see them. You say they one-up each other, but perhaps they are inspired by each other and enjoy discovering and exploring new things. You can interpret it different ways, but the way you interpret it affects your relationship with them and your feelings for them, and how you approach them. What you interpret as distasteful may be surprise. You are free to interpret as you want. If you interpret their behavior as greedy, self-centered, materialistic, stand-offish, and shunning, then rethink your desire for more of a relationship with them. If you can see them in a more positive light, then start building your relationship with them, not one through your parents. If you are at university you are beginning to come into your own, and can develop connections independent of your parents.

If you're in uni, then you're an adult, and you own no need to default to the dispositions of others. If there are any particular family members with whom you'd like to develop closer bonds, pursue those directly. Skip the idea of entitlement, and offer instead a combo plate of humility, humor and generosity. Skip measurements and manipulations. Don't 'should' on anyone.

Your Dad's family has likely stunted themselves with a certain amount of awkwardness or possibly even some degree of guilt about your parents breakup, and I wouldn't try to read into that deeply. I'd just assume instead that it's my job to FOR them the kind of behaviors I'd hope to see FROM them someday.

If none of them warm up, then I'd just chalk that up to their limits rather than as any reflection on me. Period.

Some people don't own warmth. I've found the best way to reach coldies is through gentle humor at my own expense (rather than the stuff of ridicule of anyone else), and at the very least, this serves to amuse ME while in their company.

Nobody 'owes' us love. We can step up to earn it or not, depending on how much value any given person holds for us. The more someone means to me, the more careful I am to ensure that they know this. If that makes me vulnerable sometimes, I'm resilient enough to roll with that.

Head high, and be selective. No sense in trying to please all of the people all of the time.