Girlfriend of 4.5 years cheated, left and hasn't communicated since.

Hi everyone! Been lurking around here for awhile and figure I should see if people can give my own situation some advice. I'll try to make it short.

Im 26, shes 23.

Girlfriend of 4.5 years, we lived together for 4. Last May she gave her number to this guy, they talked and she was going to leave me then. We worked through it and everything was okay until this may. She looked up this guys number again and started talking to him. May 13th she met up with him,made out and was going to break up with me again. Once again she came to her senses and we worked through it. After that happened she wanted to try and get pregnant again, so she started taking all her prenatal vitamins...etc. 2 weeks later she met up with this guy on a Thursday morning and did the deed. Told me then Saturday morning.

She said on (May 28th) she wanted space for a week to figure things out. We'll during that week she met up with him again and needless to say the end of that week she was done with me. She texted me that we are done and she's getting her stuff at some point. That Monday she comes to get her stuff, I'm here and we talk and make out, hug kiss.. Etc. That was the last contact we had other then little random cold texts she would send back to me.

For the better part of June I did the whole begging and pleading thing to the point where she had to block me on Facebook, and pretended to block my number.

The last text I sent her was July 3rd. A couple weeks ago I did send in the mail her promise ring and necklaces I bought for her over the years, with a tiny note. Never heard back, never a thank you, but honestly I wasn't expecting one.

So here we are 25 days into me no contacting her, she is still Messing around with this guy, who by the way is 43 years old and has been arrested for selling herion 4 times. Total opposite of me. She's told her friends how happy she is.. Etc.

The reasons she said she left are as follows. "I don't feel anything anymore" "I need to find myself" "I felt trapped" "I don't know where you end and I begin"...

I will be the first to say I was controlling and have a weird way of showing emotions. She felt unappreciated and unloved sometimes. Although we never really fought.

So she moved out, yet she left some of her stuff behind. Still pays my car insurance, has offered me half the rent (which I never gave her a straight answer) , all her mail comes here, she still has keys to the place and we have a bunch of financial ties between eachother from car loans to credit cards and other bills.

She has not actually had a conversation with me since the day she got her stuff.

Just a few days ago out of no where she blocks my entire family on Facebook, not even removes them, but blocked them. They treated her like one of there own and its very weird she did that. No one from my family has had any contact with her.

One more piece to this whole thing is I bought her an engagement ring in April, was going to propose in December when she got out of nursing school. She knows about the ring and about a month ago I posted it for sale on facebook and someone screen shoted her my post and she texts me freaking out. Saying I'm trying to play the victim blah blah blah. So I told her I was going to keep it, and didn't hear a word after that.

I want her back, moral of the story. I've lost 65 pounds in 2 months and really been working on myself. I just don't know what to do to get her back, I know I can't force her. I was her longest more serious relationship and like I said there was talk about kids and marriage was in the works. One last piece of information is she was pregnant in December. I kind of forced her to get an abortion because it was very very bad timing, hence us trying again before all this happened.

I guess it's been 2 months and my heart is still stuck on her. Just crazy how after almost 5 years she was able to walk away like I didn't even exsist. We were so incredibly close and compatible it's unreal. We were literally each other's everythings.

How do I get her back.

My goodness, I don't know where to start. She has had one foot out the door at least since last May. She cheats, you're controlling and forced her to get an abortion? How does that happen?

It seems like she is doing her utmost to sever ties with you (i.e., blocking your family). You should continue to work on yourself so that you can be a better partner in the future. This relationship sounds very unhealthy; you cannot do anything to get her back, she has to want that. She didn't just up and walk away, this has been in the works for awhile... Being with a controlling partner who forced an abortion would cause a person to slowly build up a boatload of resentment. Even if that wasn't the case, alll the near-breakup attempts suggests that maybe you could kind of predict that she wasn't in it for the long haul?

After all this time is it unrealistic to think that you will be over it in 2 months. Give yourself more time, and continue no contact so you can get over her.

How to respond? The very best way in this situation, is no response. WHATSOEVER! Even if she contacts you, (initially, at least...) do not respond or try to contact her. Sell the ring. You have to think about yourself... how the f do you lose 65 lbs. in 2 months? How do you force someone (yes, I knoiw but ING still, how?!) to get an abortion? Space, Peace, and Silence dude... when you can't think of anyone (... or anything?) else, thats a cue to STEP OFF for your own (an her) good.

No contact. Just work on yourself and think how you could've done better in the relationship. It's great that you lost 65 pounds. Keep up that self-improvement! Seems like her relationship with her heroin-selling boyfriend won't last past the honeymoon phase. Since you have financial ties, you need to be the best version of yourself when she's ready to have that talk.

That's all I am grasping at this the fact that she has to see me or contact me at some point. Someone said it was unhealthy and to a degree yes, because we were dependent on eachother. But we didn't exactly fight, and we were thst couple thst every one thought was going to get married.. Etc. Looking back it didn't really come out of no where, but she never seemed like the type to do this. I just find it so unbelievable thst I don't even cross her mind after we spent literally every day together for almost 5 years.. Confided in eachother and were essentially each other's backbones for the longest time.

I mean other then being controlling I am such an amazing guy. Loyal, faithful, honest.. You name it I exhibit those qualitys people look for. How do you go from wanting to try to have a baby again, to sleeping with this guy you don't even know in 2 weeks.

Is she using? Otherwise hard to explain this sudden turn around and interest in this

she is still Messing around with this guy, who by the way is 43 years old and has been arrested for selling herion 4 times.

Is she using? Otherwise hard to explain this sudden turn around and interest in this

I don't know to be honest. She was never the type to try new drugs. Trying new things yes, but she only smoked weed. I know he served jail time at the least.

I don't know if my controlling behavior just got to be too much, or if it's gigs right now.... I just don't know what to think. Her blocking my family for no reason is a weird action. It's been no 27 days no contact.

You started living together after 5 mos when she was 18? She may be in girls gone wild mode with the bad-boy thing. It is the opposite of you wanting to get married and have kids already. Where did she meet this guy?

Trying new things yes, but she only smoked weed. I know he served jail time at the least.

She cheated on you with a heroin dealer and you want her back? Sounds like this is more a matter of a bruised ego (you being the one who got left) than what you really want. In life, reason and logic make much more sound decisions than emotion. I'd bet my last dollar that 5 years from now, you'd re-read this post and cringe. She isn't what you need, and probably not even what you want if you think logically. Continue working on yourself (though the weight loss rate seems extreme), and in time, you'll meet someone that will make you forget all about her. And work on the controlling aspect of your personality -that's going to run off anyone with good boundaries and self esteem.

You started living together after 5 mos when she was 18? She may be in girls gone wild mode with the bad-boy thing. It is the opposite of you wanting to get married and have kids already. Where did she meet this guy?

We met while I was at school. Her best friend was dating my roommate. That was in October. We were seeing each other and January comes around and she offers to let me live with her, instead of making me drive 4 hours sometimes 4 times a week. She was always very sweet and just not the kind of girl who would do this.

She was a cashier at a local store, he would come in and make small talk. He eventually asked for her number, she gave it to him and one thing lead to another and she was going to leave me last may. Instead she actually quit her job to get away from this guy and did not contact him until may of this year. He's the biggest player I've ever seen and she's not used to it and fell for his crap. When we met she was nerdy and dorky and I don't want to say I turned her into something amazing, but she is absolutely gorgeous now... All because she wanted me to buy her cloths, what kind of hair cut.. Etc. So there's that.

She cheated on you with a heroin dealer and you want her back? Sounds like this is more a matter of a bruised ego (you being the one who got left) than what you really want. In life, reason and logic make much more sound decisions than emotion. I'd bet my last dollar that 5 years from now, you'd re-read this post and cringe. She isn't what you need, and probably not even what you want if you think logically. Continue working on yourself (though the weight loss rate seems extreme), and in time, you'll meet someone that will make you forget all about her. And work on the controlling aspect of your personality -that's going to run off anyone with good boundaries and self esteem.

I definitely love her, as crazy as its sounds. She was my longest as well and I just feel at 26 starting over and having all those amazing feelings will never happen again. Early twenties it's still okay to have those almost teenage emotions. We were very mature, never fought and we were perfect for each other. I just don't understand how after such a long committed time, shes able to walk away like I was never there. Not to mention my self confidence is now shot and don't think I will ever find another girl... I am picky..

26 is NOT old! I had relationships with "teenage emotions" well into my 30's, believe me, there's a lot of youthful life ahead of you.

26 is NOT old! I had relationships with "teenage emotions" well into my 30's, believe me, there's a lot of youthful life ahead of you.

I'm trying to be positive but it's a struggle every day... And someone asked how I lost 65 pounds? Next to no eating. Walking 15 miles a day and gym everyday. You would be surprised at what you lose.

You "never fought" except that she cheated on you, almost left you, and you kind of "forced" her to have an abortion. If that's "never fighting" I'd hate to see what a relationship that HAD fighting by your definition looks like.

It sounds like she's done a runner. You can't chase a runner. People change, and you can't always explain it, but she has changed, and if you ever were compatible before, you aren't any more.

You may have loved her but that doesn't mean that she was right for you. All of the changes that have happened in you since you left? From one perspective, sure, you have been deeply affected by this loss. From another perspective, you now have time to focus on yourself and figure out who you are again. Starting over is never easy, at any age. But people much older than 26 have had even better relationships after starting over. A woman I know in her 50s just remarried after losing her husband of 10 years. She was with him longer than you were with your girl, and she's twice your age, and she still found a second go around.

You "never fought" except that she cheated on you, almost left you, and you kind of "forced" her to have an abortion. If that's "never fighting" I'd hate to see what a relationship that HAD fighting by your definition looks like.

 

It sounds like she's done a runner. You can't chase a runner. People change, and you can't always explain it, but she has changed, and if you ever were compatible before, you aren't any more.

 

You may have loved her but that doesn't mean that she was right for you. All of the changes that have happened in you since you left? From one perspective, sure, you have been deeply affected by this loss. From another perspective, you now have time to focus on yourself and figure out who you are again. Starting over is never easy, at any age. But people much older than 26 have had even better relationships after starting over. A woman I know in her 50s just remarried after losing her husband of 10 years. She was with him longer than you were with your girl, and she's twice your age, and she still found a second go around.

I shouldn't say forced to have an abortion. She cheated because she said she "felt" trapped.. There was no fighting up to her cheating, at all. Actually quite the opposite. Hard to explain. Life was as it should be. That's what makes no sense.

How do you even know the child was yours? I can't believe some of the of the people who are putting you down here. , she's hanging with a heroin dealer twenty years her senior and possibly taking it herself. And she wants to be a nurse? You should tell her folks and college what she's up to then block her. Horrible, you're best off out of it. Look after yourself and go no contact, you're not the one at fault here.

My goodness, I don't know where to start. She has had one foot out the door at least since last May. She cheats, you're controlling and forced her to get an abortion? How does that happen?

 

It seems like she is doing her utmost to sever ties with you (i.e., blocking your family). You should continue to work on yourself so that you can be a better partner in the future. This relationship sounds very unhealthy; you cannot do anything to get her back, she has to want that. She didn't just up and walk away, this has been in the works for awhile... Being with a controlling partner who forced an abortion would cause a person to slowly build up a boatload of resentment. Even if that wasn't the case, alll the near-breakup attempts suggests that maybe you could kind of predict that she wasn't in it for the long haul?

 

After all this time is it unrealistic to think that you will be over it in 2 months. Give yourself more time, and continue no contact so you can get over her.

How come you think HE needs to be a better partner? How does he even know it was his child? I'm puzzled by your response, this young woman sounds like a walking car crash but clearly not in your books.

How do you even know the child was yours? I can't believe some of the of the people who are putting you down here. , she's hanging with a heroin dealer twenty years her senior and possibly taking it herself. And she wants to be a nurse? You should tell her folks and college what she's up to then block her. Horrible, you're best off out of it. Look after yourself and go no contact, you're not the one at fault here.

She was always very loyal. Never hid her phone, I never had to question her. She did not be come sketchy into those few weeks leading up to her cheating. Wouldn't leave her phone laying around etc.

I understand where people are coming from. It was a very solid and loyal 5 years, I mean she was okay with putting 4 thousand dollars down on a car for me in March. As well as paying the insurance and cosigning for it. She did this not once, but twice. You talk about brings married couples do, especially financially, we were there. She acted like she wanted a future and everything, yet then out of no where this happened. Idk if it's because of her age and she wanted to try something new, I mean she never got to experience her twenties and to be honest I've been the same guy since we met, so she knew all about me. She never had an issue with who I was. She has had alot of outside influence with "friends" who are in more controlling relationships then what I did to her, which is why I think they were talking in her ear to get her to leave, because they don't have the balls to. As well her mother about years ago left her husband and chested and now she's engaged. So it's almost as though she thinks by following in her mother's footsteps she's going to be happier. Except I really wasn't a bad guy..

How come you think HE needs to be a better partner? How does he even know it was his child? I'm puzzled by your response, this young woman sounds like a walking car crash but clearly not in your books.

Really...what part of my post puzzles you? One sentence? I guess she's not trying to cut ties, and the relationship was not unhealthy...I guess he could do lots of things to get her back even if she doesn't want to and she didn't have one foot out the door months ahead of time; that the near attempted breakups didn't indicate that she wasn't fully committed. You took one sentence out of all that and and got confused. Hmm.

He told his own story, did you read it? Controlling, forcing abortions? He doesn't indicate that there was any question of paternity, nor was his reasoning for terminating the pregnancy tied to that (according to his own post). But..his baby or not, no one has the right to coerce someone into terminating a pregnancy. Besides that, who doesn't have room for areas of improvement in order to become a better partner? She's no saint, but she didn't post here, did she? No where in my post do I indicate that she is some great prize that he lost. Nowhere. Nowhere do I encourage him to try to get her back; I believe I told him he should focus on getting over her, actually.

He posted, he told his story and I responded. You don't agree that's fine, try giving him some of your own solid advice, which I believe is what he asked for.

I understand where people are coming from. It was a very solid and loyal 5 years, I mean she was okay with putting 4 thousand dollars down on a car for me in March. As well as paying the insurance and cosigning for it. She did this not once, but twice. You talk about brings married couples do, especially financially, we were there. She acted like she wanted a future and everything, yet then out of no where this happened. Idk if it's because of her age and she wanted to try something new, I mean she never got to experience her twenties and to be honest I've been the same guy since we met, so she knew all about me. She never had an issue with who I was. She has had alot of outside influence with "friends" who are in more controlling relationships then what I did to her, which is why I think they were talking in her ear to get her to leave, because they don't have the balls to. As well her mother about years ago left her husband and chested and now she's engaged. So it's almost as though she thinks by following in her mother's footsteps she's going to be happier. Except I really wasn't a bad guy..

I'm sorry, I really don't see that it was all that solid...certainly not for the entire length of the relationship. I never said you were a bad guy, but controlling is not the guy you want to be...is it? You don't really elaborate on what made you controlling, but I stand by the opinion that you don't want to be "that" guy. I hope you will find out why it is you felt like you needed to control her and not let that transfer to other relationships. It's just not healthy, even if you weren't "as controlling" as the other guys. But again, you don't indicate what that means.

As for all the future talk and tying together of finances a lot of people do that prior to a breakup, even hours before. I don't understand it, as I've never done it but if you stick around here long enough or look through the archives you will see that many people experience this same phenomenon prior to a breakup, including myself. I think you will find in time that this girl wasn't really all that as you continue your healing process. She's got plenty of problems too, but that's up to her to work through (or not). Not your problem any longer.

I can elaborate on it. By controlling, what i mean to say is essentially she couldn't really do anything independently of me. There was no verbal abuse, no physical abuse and I never told her no she couldn't do something, but rather I would suggest things we could do together instead and would persuade my opinion more. I didn't force her into having an abortion. I made it clear to her, not vioently that it was very bad timing since I was going away for 3 months, and she had another year of school left. She could have said no, left me and kept the baby. After it was all said and done she knew she made the right decision.

She would ask me what clothes she should wear, what kind of hair cut.. Etc. I never forced her into it.

Financialy we have been jointed the better part of 2 years now. My money was hers, hers was mine. This was not a new thing. We were house hunting for this coming spring and we just renewed out lease in April. So as I said things were status quo till may when she went hunting for the guys number again.

One thing that may have been very controlling on was money. I wouldn't spend any money only because I wanted a house and bigger and better things for us, because of that I would get annoyed when she would buy things she didnt need, but it was almost like she came to accept that and was okay with it.

I don't know bots...maybe it was the way in which you/she communicated that caused problems...I reacted based off of your explanation in your first post. Only you know what happened there; so evaluate yourself honestly and work off of that.

In any event, it does not sound (to me) that this was a healthy dynamic, certainly not in the last year and half or so of the breakdown of the relationship. Just continue on your path of healing and in time you may see things differently. In the meantime there is nothing you can do to get her to come back, and I'm not sure that you would ever be able to trust her again anyway. This is most people's knee jerk reaction to a breakup - gotta get her/him back! Trust me, you keep doing what you're doing and you will look back and ask yourself, what was I thinking?