He said I love you, then ended it.

Good morning all. I'm new here, and feel a bit foolish, as I never thought I would get to my 40's and still be needing help. This is long, so sorry and please bear with me and thanks.

I have been friends on off over nearly 30 yrs, with my best friends brother. I realised a few years ago that I had some feelings for him so stopped contact as this was not fair as I was in a relationship. This was no issue as our chats were only random and months apart.

Fast forward to early this year, no longer in relationship and when drunk one night, I blurted out to my best friend that I liked her brother, she nearly choked on her drink. Anyway long story short, he got back in touch after she told him, and we began a wonderful funny friendly relationship.

About mid April he asked to meet up and I agreed, we had a lovely day out and I said after returning home, that I did like him in that way but was scared to get involved due to trust issues etc. Regardless we carried on and eventually I fell in love with him, I think, as I've never felt like this before. Not long after he felt the same.

He is the kindest thoughtful person I've ever met. I was his first proper relationship so I know he has not been hurt before or felt like that before. We have a LDR but both did our best to meet up. All was going amazing, he works long hours and had said at the start that he didn't like his job, we had many discussions about him finding a better job, and then eventually, and I mean years, him moving closer etc.

We were in touch all last week and on Fri morning he text me I love you, as usual, by Friday afternoon he ended it saying, he never loved me and had only said it because he felt he had to but would not live a lie.

This is a man who does or says nothing unless he chooses and if he doesn't want to he will not budge. He has been on his own for over 10 yrs due to work, and so has never really had to think of anyone but himself. However as a brother, son and friend, he gave his all and my best friend is in shock at what he has done, as much as I am.

I think he could not deal with his emotions as he has never had them before. It was all very intense and wonderful and he said I was some sort of wonderful and I made him the happiest he has ever been. He wanted to spend his life with me etc

Then, it was all made up! We are still sort of in contact and I'm feeling so lost and confused. I know he struggles with self esteem, and many times questioned my feelings for him, but finally said that he was confident about us and so we moved forward.

Thanks for taking the time to read and thanks for any thoughts, on what has happened here. It was out of the blue, he however said he thought for a few days, yet his words and actions towards me never changed. He never pulled away or became distant. Morning in love, afternoon, ended it.

Unfortunately it sounds like he just wants to be friends and may love you as a friend, but is not willing, ready or able to have the type of relationship you wanted..

he text me I love you, as usual, by Friday afternoon he ended it saying, he never loved me and had only said it because he felt he had to but would not live a lie.

He is running hot and cold.....not relationship material at all. chi

30 years in the friendzone... Yeah that may do it.

We were not friends as such for 30 yrs, intact before this year I hadn't seen him for 20 yrs and we only started chatting randomly on Facebook on and off about 2 yrs ago. Then no contact for a year when I stopped. When his sister told him, he admitted that he thought there was something back then when I stopped and was happy as he thought it was him reading too much into it. So I truly agree that he is not ready and with looking for a new job, working 16 hours a day, and all these new feelings in the mix, he just couldn't deal. I understand that getting a job with less hours needs to be a priority before he burns out. He is the most sincere person you can ever meet and I didn't go looking for him and I'm not looking for anyone else. And if I have to wait for him to be ready then I will. What he has done is so out of character and his family are flummoxed the same as I. So never blown hot and cold but obviously emotional issues. Thanks for your replies and taking the time to read this book x

It does sound like its time for a new job for him. He sounds burned out.

Seems like you are ignoring some major red flags.....or rather excusing them.

First is nobody is so busy with work that they just can't make time for and have no desire to ever seek relationships. Either he is solitary by nature and so relationships are not his cup of tea, or he has some hidden serious issues and he intentionally avoids any type of emotional intimacy. There is no such thing as "he is just an emotional virgin and so he got scared". Normal balanced people are capable of handling their emotions even if they are new.

Second is that just when the two of you were in fact starting to get close he ruthlessly shoved you aside. So huge red flag that not all is right with him.

Basically, there are all kinds of damaged people out there. You can't fix them and often, you may not know they are damaged until you get close to them. If you continue with this guy, expect a never ending roller coaster ride where every single time things seem to be good and emotional closeness impending, he'll push you away. It will be toxic and damaging to you because it's hard for a normal person to wrap their head around damaged psychology. So, just do yourself a favor, don't muddy the waters, just distance yourself and let all this go gracefully. Don't try to continue to stay involved with him.

He is a natural loner but and I know has huge emotional issues, and I know I'm making excuses and I know I'm sad wanting to wait for him, but he quite literally saved me and I will do all I can to save him back. Thanks once again and I knew I would get this response, because if I wasn't in the situation I would be saying the same. x

He is a natural loner but and I know has huge emotional issues, and I know I'm making excuses and I know I'm sad wanting to wait for him, but he quite literally saved me and I will do all I can to save him back. Thanks once again and I knew I would get this response, because if I wasn't in the situation I would be saying the same. x

You do realize he doesn't need to be saved, he is just fine with how he is and if he wasn't, he'd do something about it? Please tell me you understand that for his sake and your own. I'm pretty sure he'd be appalled to find out that you think he needs to be saved from himself and tell you to get lost with legitimate cause this time..........

That's the thing tho, he does want to be saved, and I know he is currently in pieces over this. I have inside information. He is scared apparently and yes emotionally insecure and has no idea what to do next. I love him and know that I may get burnt again, but I need to at least try. Thank you all for taking the time once again.

If he ended there is nothing to try. Have you considered that he needed distance because you are smothering and trying to fix him? Keep in mind he is not your project to fix up so he can be what you need and want.

I need to at least try.

That's the thing tho, he does want to be saved, and I know he is currently in pieces over this. I have inside information. He is scared apparently and yes emotionally insecure and has no idea what to do next. I love him and know that I may get burnt again, but I need to at least try. Thank you all for taking the time once again.

If he wants to fix himself only HE has that power. You cannot fix another human being. Nobody can. Even trained psychiatrist can't "fix" patients who are not interested in fixing themselves. Also, beware of feeding on "inside information" that's a whole other road to driving yourself nuts.

I understand, and he is already everything I want and need, and no, the running was all from his direction, so no smothering there. Thanks for taking the time.

And I don't want to fix him, he is truly amazing, just has no faith in himself. I'm stepping back and leaving him to sort out his head, it's all I can do. I know that if he wants me back he will ask, and I'll be waiting. And the inside information is true. Thanks for taking time to read and reply.

I understand, and he is already everything I want and need, and no, the running was all from his direction, so no smothering there. Thanks for taking the time.

That may be so, but if he doesn't want a relationship with you, then you need to be able to let this go. Not even a choice really.

It would be a really good idea for you to give yourself some mental distance or a break from this for a few days. Step away from the "inside information", maybe go on a weekend road trip or something, just give yourself some breathing room and space literally and figuratively speaking. You sound like a very sensible woman and even though you are hurting right now, I think you will feel better for the break and will gain some clarity with it that will help you deal with things better.

Thanks so much for your lovely words. I know that if he doesn't want it, it won't be, and that does fill me with dread, but everyone tells me, I'm so strong and sensible and with it, and I am stepping away, because I have never felt like this ever about anyone and know that I'll have to deal with this like a grown up, but I'm in pieces, with that wonderful strong sensible with it front. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

My thoughts, or impression, is that you could be making assumptions and analyzing him in ways that are not helpful.

I know he has not been hurt before or felt like that before.

Can you REALLY know this about another person? I don't know if any one of us can know what another person has felt or been through.

This is a man who does or says nothing unless he chooses and if he doesn't want to he will not budge.

Again, this is your impression, but can't know if it is entirely true. Has he ever dated his sister's best friend before? You said it was his first "proper" relationship, so who knows what kind of pressures he felt to "be" a certain way? (" he never loved me and had only said it because he felt he had to")

I think he could not deal with his emotions as he has never had them before. It was all very intense and wonderful and he said I was some sort of wonderful and I made him the happiest he has ever been. He wanted to spend his life with me etc

Then, it was all made up! We are still sort of in contact and I'm feeling so lost and confused. I know he struggles with self esteem, and many times questioned my feelings for him, but finally said that he was confident about us and so we moved forward.

I know it's confusing to get mixed messages, and painful to have believed one thing and then be told another, but from experience and observation, I think it is best to read another person's actions over their words or our own speculation. The number one thing to pay attention to is his breaking up with you. That tells you all you really need to know to determine if he is worth your time and energy and emotions. It hurts, I understand, and I don't think that trying to understand him will work at this phase for you. Work on healing first. Hang in there, and treat yourself well.

Seems like you are ignoring some major red flags.....or rather excusing them.

 

First is nobody is so busy with work that they just can't make time for and have no desire to ever seek relationships. Either he is solitary by nature and so relationships are not his cup of tea, or he has some hidden serious issues and he intentionally avoids any type of emotional intimacy. There is no such thing as "he is just an emotional virgin and so he got scared". Normal balanced people are capable of handling their emotions even if they are new.

 

Second is that just when the two of you were in fact starting to get close he ruthlessly shoved you aside. So huge red flag that not all is right with him.

 

Basically, there are all kinds of damaged people out there. You can't fix them and often, you may not know they are damaged until you get close to them. If you continue with this guy, expect a never ending roller coaster ride where every single time things seem to be good and emotional closeness impending, he'll push you away. It will be toxic and damaging to you because it's hard for a normal person to wrap their head around damaged psychology. So, just do yourself a favor, don't muddy the waters, just distance yourself and let all this go gracefully. Don't try to continue to stay involved with him.

Dancing is right on all points!!! No future with this guy.

Ok, I know 100% I'm his first and only relationship, apart from a couple of girls when he was younger, and yes I know 100% that he does not budge, and does not do a thing unless he chooses too. And I know 100% that he has never felt like this about anyone before. I know the alarm bells were there. I never put him in the position to say I love you, he came to me with that. I kept myself so guarded due to trust issues but over time he broke down my wall and I fell for him. Wrong I know and I have never expected anything from him and he knew and knows that, I couldn't believe he would be interested in someone like me. I know I need to step away and let him sort his head. Thanks for your time so much.

If you believe you know someone 100% you are probably mistaken. If any of us believe that about anyone, we are probably mistaken. And may have some boundary issues.

Now that you have gone back to friends, do you stay in touch as friends?

I have been friends on off over nearly 30 yrs, with my best friends brother.

First off I'm sorry that you find yourself here and in pain. Breakups are never easy.

I agree with others who've said that its nearly impossible to 100% know another person. But let's say you are correct. You've stated he does not do something unless he chooses to, and he does not budge. Right? So I'm confused why you would then decide to wait for him to change his mind. Based on your own assessment of him this seems very unlikely to happen.

It's especially difficult to cope after a blindside like what he did to you. It leaves you with so many questions, so many things unsaid, so much unfinished business between you. It's painful but try to bear in mind you are the only one feeling that way. He thought it through, made his choice, and said his piece. You may never fully understand why he did this, but if you respect him as a person then you have to respect his choice, no matter how painful it is.

You said you're in your 40s...I'm guessing he's near your age. To be that age and never have had a "proper relationship" is a very good indication that this issue here is him, not you.

Keep your dignity and take good care of yourself right now. Don't beg, don't plead, don't seek out "inside info", and definitely don't wait for him. Grieve as you need to but let your life move forward. Don't get stuck waiting for someone who chose to walk away. You deserve better.

Yes we have at the minute, that's what he was before and I can't lose a friendship regardless of how painful because I forgive him already. Thank you

Thank you, yes I know this and will struggle to accept it, but I know I will. He claimed to have only said he loved me because he felt he had to, I did not hope or even expect that from him at all. I never put him in the position to say that to me, he chose to come to me with that, and I told him to think about what he was saying, and if he still felt those things at a later date. A week later, we still carried on and those words were never used, until I got a text from him one afternoon saying he had thought about it and he was sure. I didn't read this wrong, I didn't push him into anything, I didn't suffocate him, I expected nothing from him. That was my point, he does not say or do a thing unless he chooses to. So I know I'm setting myself up, and I am aware that we both have issues, I spent most of my time wondering why someone as wonderful as him, would have any feelings like that for me. I know I'm stupid and I know I'm sad, and I'm sure in tine I'll get over it, yet I still only hope and do not expect him to change his mind. I fell hook line and sinker, for a nice man, who in fact will probably turn out to be like the others and I will be the one in pain. I know all this yet I still believe in him, and have forgiven him. Thank you so much for spending your time on me.

And I tried to end it more than once because I was scared, that due to my trust issues I would hurt him, and also the distance, he came back each time with I trust you with my heart, and distance is only geography, and we will work that one out in time. Two days before he ended it he said he was so happy and hoped I was too, and as soon as he sorted out his working hours we would have more time, and that the brief times we had were great. So I think I can maybe just have a little bit of and that I did nothing wrong only make him feel special. And I'm crying now because I feel so deceived, and I don't believe it was all lies, and I will still be there, regardless.