Moved to Utah for better job but did not find it...my wife did

Preface: This is a very complicated situation

My name is Michael, I am a 29 year old US National Guard Veteran (New York State). I served in Iraq during the surge. I have a B.A in Linguistics and International Business as my major.

I got married in 2011 to a wonderful woman whose family put her through college, supported her goal and dreams of working in theatre and design. I truly loved that and admired it. Ironically her family struggles while mine was wealthy. My Mother was an abusive alcoholic so at 17 I decided to join the Army. I was in from 2005-2009. Went to school during deployment then finished in 2010. While I was in school I worked as a UPS Store Manager while my wife (girl friend at the time) would go on internships in NYC. I could not afford it although I was making around 50K. That situation changed when there became money troubles for the owner. In 2012 I took a job right after as a Payroll Manager with the Department of Education. My wife at the time worked as a manager in an art studio. Our income was not amazing but we had new things, nice place and never truly struggled. In 2013 I was offered a job as a Payroll Manager for 50K a year to manage elderly mostly holocaust victims charity service. My wife told me she really wanted to move out to Utah where the job market is growing. (Which is true).

As soon as I got here, In 2013, I was working with a company that is favorable to veterans and started working as an assistant call center manager about one hour from Salt Lake City. i was making around 40K but we hated where we lived. I was offered via a head hunter a job with a very big company. We then moved to a SLC suburb. Sadly, my project was shut down as a cultural researcher and had to take two jobs as a call center rep who assists angry customers from 5 AM to 10 PM and make around 1200 every pay period. My wife then had connections and became an interior designer for IKEA. She travels a lot, gets paid decently and is always talking about how much she loves her job. Furthermore since moving to Utah my PTSD has been off the charts for various reasons. I never have off so I can not go to a VA Center or to a therapist. My Mother in law pays for her to put on play productions. My wife will not let me get a new car, currently I have a 2003 Hyundai Accent. My wife has a 2014 KIA. I love my wife but cant help but get upset since her connections have brought her to this place. I feel very happy for her however; I work all the time, lost my Best Friend because he was very hurt about me moving to Utah.

I feel my wife told me we would have all these things, all these promises and ironically for many years I have been begging her to visit my family in NY and she goes on business trips and sees her family. Is it wrong of me to be upset? I feel like a self SOB. I also often feel lonley as my wife has an awesome job that lets her travel, always is bringing to resort like areas for business growth etc. I fought for my country, worked hard and can not even buy a car that is reliable or safe half the time. I often get stuck on the road. I feel very demeaned daily by angry customers. I am very lonely, she is always going on trips with her co workers the company pays for yet it is not for me...I just feel a bit ripped off. I work hard yet often have to sell things to pay rent. I am fighting back tears a lot and getting depression and anger.

Any advice would be welcomed...I am desperate.

Brother, I say it as fellow former troop, you gotta ditch the whole "I served" ****. I know from experience it's only going to lead to more toxicity to hold onto the feeling of being entitled to anything for it. That card only gets us so far.

I would sit down and have a talk with your wife about finances. Not because of the car, but because you need to be able to get in during VA hours for therapy. That **** snowballs hard and you're not doing yourself, your wife, or the marriage any good by working doubles and going untreated. If you can't afford your half of the expenses while working only one job, ask your wife if she'd be open to you doing other things to make it equitable such as taking care of the house a bit more, handling the errands, etc.

As a married couple and team, you should be enjoying the same quality of life. This disparity plus being homesick is something you should have a heart to heart about with your wife.

My wife will not let me get a new car, currently I have a 2003 Hyundai Accent. My wife has a 2014 KIA. I love my wife but cant help but get upset since her connections have brought her to this place.

First of all, your friend was not a good friend if he drops you for moving - friends can still communicate by skype/facetime and plan trips to see eachother.

If she is sent to on business trips and it happens to be near where her family is - or they can drive a reasonable distance to see her - and work is paying her travel - you cannot fault her by pointing out she doesn't visit YOUR family. Sometimes my business takes me to my parents' town for the night and I have dinner with them instead of lousy hotel food.

If she was taking trips with girlfriends to Hawaii - you would have a point - but if neither she or you guys as a couple are doing an travel besides where her work sends her - then you have no room to talk about it.

If you want to visit your family - come up with a plan - either find out if where she is going for work allows you to stay in her hotel room but not pay your plane ticket if its somewhere where your family can meet up with you guys (driving or a short plane ride) to fit in a few days or tell her your goal is to visit the family and how can you guys save up for it. None of the "not fair" language.

I would be happy that your wife has a good job. If you hate your job - find another one. If your degree is in linguistics - can you find a job tutoring in languages or being an interpreter? Something that makes you happier? It is not up to your wife to make you happy at your job.

Also, you say you can't go to a therapist. That is a load of BS - every job you are allowed to have medical appointments. If you work at 9 am, set it at 8 and arrange to come into work half an hour on those dates and stay a half an hour after work to make it up. Or go on your lunch break and work it out with your boss where you won't take lunch one day,so you can have a longer lunch the next for medical appointments. And what about exploring beyond the VA and finding someone with more flexible hours that can see you on nights or weekends?

If she is traveling around a lot for work, why can't you guys move back to your old state so that you at least will be happy at home? What difference does it make, since she'll be traveling for work?

As a married couple and team, you should be enjoying the same quality of life. This disparity plus being homesick is something you should have a heart to heart about with your wife.

I drive a 15 year old car. There is nothing wrong with it. If she has to show up at clients then yes, she sould have the newer car. The quality of life has nothing to do with cars or travel - it starts with dropping the entitlement mentality and being your own advocate - getting the medical treatment you need and then going from there.

Also, can your family not visit you? what is stopping them from making a visit to your house and being a guest there?

What about approaching your wife and say "i really would like to visit the family back in X city. I thought of an idea - of putting aside $50 from every one of my paychecks and when enough is aside, we go back and visit, or if you can't, I go for a few days to visit grandma" - that's a realistic approach. Or maybe financially you can set aside more or say "from OUR paychecks..."

If she is traveling around a lot for work, why can't you guys move back to your old state so that you at least will be happy at home? What difference does it make, since she'll be traveling for work?

My cousin travels a lot for work, but she is in the home office the whole week, then travels one week a month, or used to be in the home office three days, and then travelled two. It may be that she has to be in Utah most of the week.

My cousin travels a lot for work, but she is in the home office the whole week, then travels one week a month, or used to be in the home office three days, and then travelled two. It may be that she has to be in Utah most of the week.

I hope this isn't the case with the OP. Or perhaps he can do what you suggested, and go visit his family more often.

I am very confused. Why would she needs clients she works for a corporation. Well, lucky you, my car has major issues. I almost went off the freeway because my alignment is so worn down. I can not afford to visit home. Tickets, round trip is around 800 dollars each, I can not get off work since 2 jobs are hard to coordinate. I barley can save anything I make 31,000 a year. My wife has huge amounts of debt. I just use my check for rent and debt. I tried the 50$ as well but my wife says it is too much. I feel I am a pushover. My parents feel I live too far and visit once a year which is nice but I feel lonley. Also; When I first moved here my wife's sisters husband threaten to kill me since I am not Mormon, born Catholic. I feel sad since my Grandmothers 89 years old and will not live forever.

I appreciate your words however; not trying to be rude. I just feel like these answers at the moment are just out of my reach.

My wife is based here in Utah and is not able to transfer. She travels maybe once a month, not every week.I just feel bad because she will often book the flight and not tell me until a few days before. That really hurts. So, Not only do I feel like a loser not being treated like her job but I feel like I am being tricked somehow into just accepting my life. I love her and she means well but she does not go about it in the way I would like.

It's not her fault that she has a good job. If you're jealous of that (which is what I'm inferring), then you need to research into getting a position somewhere that uses your degree. If traveling is involved, and it's further than hers, then switch vehicles. Or, with the extra money, get a new one.

The answer is to sit down with your wife and have a serious talk about finances and to try to reach a compromise. If you can't equally contribute to financing the standard of living you two share without having to work two jobs, you are of course going to resent your wife while she's doing so happily with the one she's got. I'm all for keeping things as 50/50 as possible, but if I asked my partner to move with me to a specific location and she went with it and I happened to land myself an awesome job that paid well enough, I'd definitely be willing to pick up some slack financially while she found something sustainable that didn't involve having to juggle two jobs spanning over a 17-hour window. I'd definitely expect her to at least do something part time and for her to do things like tidy up the house a bit more with some of the spare time, but I'd have her back.

Is there a reason your wife isn't feeling inclined to support you finding a more sanity-friendly arrangement? Has she supported you through an unemployed period in the past?

Is your wife and her family Mormon?

I am not Mormon

So, long story short not looking for sympathy just maybe a few ideas.

For example: Maybe I am a push over...or maybe there is a way I can work on a compromise...not sure.

I have been married for 5 years but this is new ground...Also I do feel there is an in balance not because of her position rather how she handles it.

Let me give an example:

Last week she said she was taking a biz trip to Philly for one day. I said oh wow I'd love to go but I understand. Then the next few days the story changes its actually 2 days. Then I asked her you know I'd love to visit back in the area lets not book until I talk to my people at work. I got some days off. She seemed shocked. Then she finally admitted she already book the flights and said she didnt feel she could afford it. Then this is where it hurt....she said she would actually be going to NYC visiting her Mother and only spending one hour in Philly....this is after 3.2 years of begging her to just takes trip back. The same one she now can afford but somehow can not other times.

Am I wrong to feel hurt?

Is her job paying for the plane ticket to NYC, or is she?

If it's her paying for it and she didn't even ask you to come with, knowing she was mainly going for pleasure rather than business - then yes, feeling hurt is definitely one of the things you could feel.

At the very least, she could say "I can't swing it for two tickets this time, but next time for sure you can come with" or even "I can't afford for both of us this time, but after I get back I'll arrange for you to go visit your family and great grandmother for a few days".

Yea, I mean it was as if she just wanted me not to b with her. That just stings because it is my hometown...the place where I have friends...the place I miss.

So, Her company was paying for her tickets however; we had a very big bonus that we could have used toward it as my parents later said they would have made up the difference but by the time she told me the prices sky rocketed and would not be in the day of the flight even. I just feel hurt that she lied about the duration, location and time etc

Thank God she is leaving the cult...however; her family has heavy influence It truly is creepy. I knew Catholics, Jews, Protestants and they all had their free will. Mormonism is not at all that way. Sorry to create a religion discussion lol. That is the long way of saying yes her family is.

So why can't you use some of that bonus for yourself and plan a trip to go see your friends and family solo in a few months, when tickets aren't so expensive?

No, I supported her 90% of our marriage. Only 2 months I was in between positions after my project- team was scratched. Otherwise I have been the one working two jobs mostly. In addition I do mind about the house I honestly love to clean. She usually comes home and relaxes. I cook breakfast in the AM and make sure she has lunch. I do wash because I know she does move around a lot at work. Then she goes tanning and I go to gym If I am not too tired. Recently between all this my Dr prescribed Phentermine for my energy. I don't really mind that part as much as the financial restraints. This is the first time I am making less. It feels like at times I am a loser.

In fact I had to support her when she was in NYC working on theatre at night and even here working on theatre projects because she had to miss work.

Phentermine is a weight loss medication. Why are you on that for energy?

So that's why you're in Utah? Is her family there? Were things ok before you two moved there?

yes her family is.

Great question, you see at first it was going to go to savings. I had no idea about the trip at all. We put it toward her car because she needed some new things for it. After that, maybe a week later, she informed me of the situation that she would be going on a business trip.

Things were amazing! We had fun, I had friends she had friends. I used to go out 3 times a week she would have her friends over. It was really perfect. We spent the perfect amount of time together. We both had a very communal and family orientated life. Then after we came out here the isolation came for me. I developed Separation Anxiety and started getting nightmares after her brother in law said he would get Mexicans to kill me If I took her out of mormonism then said weird sexual stuff. We had a great house we rented for one grand by the ocean near some really great people. Here I live in a building for the first time and I feel she resents my loneliness and feels I am now needy. This is especially true since my friends left me after I left NY. They felt hurt or rejected but they are messed up for that

When I mean travel I do not mean like driving I mean actually traveling like across the country or cities. I hear what you are saying. Not jealous I am happy she has this. I just have been trying to get a job that has benefits like this for sometime. My language skills are useless in Utah. No need for a translator. I am looking into becoming a police officer, getting an MBA but in Utah they make you pay for your own Police Academy and my wife tells me that it is too expensive around 28K.

Use some of those days off to arrange some visits to the VA.

As far as the general feeling of inequity goes, I sympathize with you. Unfortunately, there's no solution but to sit down with the old lady and hash it out. Ask her what you would need to do for her to feel like you were contributing equally even if you just had one job while you look for another that pays well enough so that you can chip in equally with the finances while not having to work two. This is the big "battle." I would let all the travel stuff go. You need to focus on this.

I don't know... I'm trying to imagine myself in her shoes but if it came down to my partner working doubles to sustain our standard of living while I had my one happy job, I'd much sooner scale down watch them go through that.