Moved to Utah for better job but did not find it...my wife did

[SgtMike888]

P.S I never said it was her fault nor have I faulted her. I simply wish she would assist me in getting a Masters or skill set that would afford me the opportunity to advance and not stay stuck. As mentioned I am looking into Police, MBA, or anything...

[Wiseman2]

If you moved for her and now sit around watching her travel everywhere the resentment will just build. Are you able to make friends there?

Then after we came out here the isolation came for me.

[j.man]

P.S I never said it was her fault nor have I faulted her. I simply wish she would assist me in getting a Masters or skill set that would afford me the opportunity to advance and not stay stuck. As mentioned I am looking into Police, MBA, or anything...

I don't think you two will come to this compromise. It sounds like she wants you working in some capacity. I'd focus on selling the idea of one job to give you more time to look for better work and try to get a benefited position, potentially one that offers tuition reimbursement for advanced programs.

[SgtMike888]

Good question. So, I have made some friends but at 29 years old It is not easy. I have one guy I met when I first came here he will call me on the phone but when his wife is around I am persona Non Grata. I understand that just feels like its a reminder to me. I do have a single friend as well but we just met a few months back. It seems I gave up a bit after hosting parties and meeting people; the culture around here is more set to family so they will want to hang out with their siblings and such rather than a transplant. I am trying to meet more friends though. I am on Meetup.com and a few facebook groups. It's really though an unusual culture. I lived in NY, LA and Boston and ppl are actually super outgoing. Here they are quite reserved and neighbors do not really know each other.

[SgtMike888]

Yea, I mean I do feel likea puppy or house cat being moved around too because she said she applied for a job in Memphis. No offense but maybe not my cup of tea. Also; She has an interview in the north east next week. The issue is she sometimes makes me feel like a puppy. I don't really have so much say in where we go. Everytime I bring it up she says this is my dream and she says It is unfair to ask to choose. Once again maybe I am a cry baby. I just feel since moving here and especially since she has gotten her promotion she is changing fast.

[saluk]

This definitely sounds like her show. Her dreams, her family, her job... does she have any dreams that include you?

 

It's not unfair to ask her to consider your input on where the two of you will live. That's what being partners is all about.

 

From your account - and my opinion may change if I were to hear her side - but as it stands I DO fault her. There are few valid excuses I can think of for allowing your PTSD husband to work two jobs, never get therapy, and not find ways to get him to see his family so he feels connected to things. Unless you haven't been able to communicate this to her very well. That's not "needy" - it's human.

 

How did she react to your explanation of her brother threatening to kill you and do weird sexual stuff? I would not want anything to do with her family after something like that.

[abitbroken]

This definitely sounds like her show. Her dreams, her family, her job... does she have any dreams that include you?

 

It's not unfair to ask her to consider your input on where the two of you will live. That's what being partners is all about.

 

From your account - and my opinion may change if I were to hear her side - but as it stands I DO fault her. There are few valid excuses I can think of for allowing your PTSD husband to work two jobs, never get therapy, and not find ways to get him to see his family so he feels connected to things. Unless you haven't been able to communicate this to her very well. That's not "needy" - it's human.

 

How did she react to your explanation of her brother threatening to kill you and do weird sexual stuff? I would not want anything to do with her family after something like that.

 

The original plan is that you went to Utah because YOU had the opportunity or thought you did, not her. it just worked out that she ended up with a better one. All of this "allowing" you to work two jobs or not or "allowing therapy" - its up to you to go to therapy. She can't take your hand and pull you. It is up to you to make that decision with no excuse that you are going, whether that means you take a long lunch break, or find someone who is available on the weekends, or focusing on therapy and dropping a job or looking for a single job that would be better for you.

 

And as far as "that's what partners are about" - you are not "partners" - this isn't a 50-50 roommate situiation or a half effort situation. - you are husband and wife and if that means that if your wife is putting in her best effort at work to bring money into the family, that she doesn't scale back her job so it is equal to yours or only half of what is coming into the house. You both give it your all without a tought about for tat.

 

I am very confused. Why would she needs clients she works for a corporation. Well, lucky you, my car has major issues. I almost went off the freeway because my alignment is so worn down. I can not afford to visit home. Tickets, round trip is around 800 dollars each, I can not get off work since 2 jobs are hard to coordinate. I barley can save anything I make 31,000 a year. My wife has huge amounts of debt. I just use my check for rent and debt. I tried the 50$ as well but my wife says it is too much. I feel I am a pushover. My parents feel I live too far and visit once a year which is nice but I feel lonley. Also; When I first moved here my wife's sisters husband threaten to kill me since I am not Mormon, born Catholic. I feel sad since my Grandmothers 89 years old and will not live forever.

 

I appreciate your words however; not trying to be rude. I just feel like these answers at the moment are just out of my reach.

 

Mormons typically don't want to kill people because they are a different faith. They rather convert them.

 

Okay, she doesn't have clients in her job, but she has higher ups, and she might even meet with suppliers or reps from other companies - same difference. She has face time with people.

 

My wife is based here in Utah and is not able to transfer. She travels maybe once a month, not every week.I just feel bad because she will often book the flight and not tell me until a few days before. That really hurts. So, Not only do I feel like a loser not being treated like her job but I feel like I am being tricked somehow into just accepting my life. I love her and she means well but she does not go about it in the way I would like.

 

Are you sure she doesn't tell you and you forget (that goes on in my household)- or work schedules it and just tells her a few days before, or you indicate that you don't want to hear about work, so she doesn't speak of it.

 

You are not being tricked - she is simply doing her job - which she loves.

 

 

Good question. So, I have made some friends but at 29 years old It is not easy. I have one guy I met when I first came here he will call me on the phone but when his wife is around I am persona Non Grata. I understand that just feels like its a reminder to me. I do have a single friend as well but we just met a few months back. It seems I gave up a bit after hosting parties and meeting people; the culture around here is more set to family so they will want to hang out with their siblings and such rather than a transplant. I am trying to meet more friends though. I am on Meetup.com and a few facebook groups. It's really though an unusual culture. I lived in NY, LA and Boston and ppl are actually super outgoing. Here they are quite reserved and neighbors do not really know each other.

 

I am 40 and make new friends. There are groups for people who are ex-military, or transplants. And so - if they want to hang out with their siblings, then that's not "weird" - it actually is refreshing that people value their family. I have had groups of friends where all their families were splintered and its nice when someone is close to a sibling. So instead of saying that's weird, maybe try to meet other transplants, ex-military, or activities based groups.

 

At any rate - you knew she was mormon when you married her - so you absolutely can't fault her or her family for being that. Its not a shock/surprise. And often if a brother doesn't like you, he may not be keen that she married a non-Mormon, but are you sure there isn't any friction that is a personality clash that has nothing to do with that?

[superfan]

First of all, if you are experiencing PTSD you need to get that seen to. Therapy, VA meetings, whatever but you need to deal with your mental health before you have a complete breakdown. That kind of thing is no joke.

 

Second of all, it seems like you have a bit of jealousy towards your wife's new job. Which I totally get. Here you are working your butt off to try to make ends meet and you can barely keep your car on the road while she gets all the shiny new toys. The thing is, the resentment isn't healthy. That needs to be dealt with on your end before you can approach her.

 

And her actions are not striking me as being the appropriate actions of your partner. I am on mat leave right now so currently making WAY less than my husband. He picks up the financial slack and pays more in rent, allows me to pay a couple of the smaller bills so that I am not completely broke. That's what partners do. The fact that your wife is acting this way shows that she doesn't really value your contributions and that needs to be discussed.

 

I'm not sure what the solution is there beyond couples counselling maybe but you need to have a heart to heart with her without the resentment.

[SgtMike888]

Actually, If you would stop assuming things perhaps you would less stupid as I own you.

First off- My wife was never active as a mormon nor is she now

Secondly- I never said I have no friends but are they the same as 20+ years

Thirdly- Hw much do you really know about the LDS church? I have a BA Concentration on world religions and sociology.

Fourth- When we got married we both were going to travel together per our plan

Fifth- I did go to Utah for m wife...If you read my posts I even said I had a 50 K job as a Account Manager for a Holocaust Charity Organization in NYC

Sixth- I do not blame HER FOR ANYTHING except for being very hesitant about supporting me; as I did her, while she is getting a degree. I just want a Masters but the program is restrictive to day jobs.

Seventh-I understand on my end I could very well be over reacting. You must understand Its sooo many things built up....let me explain my first good friend turned out to be a married man who is a homosexual which is cool if it works fort them. However; after I rejected his come on I no longer hear from him.

 

Also please point out where I say "I fault her for being Mormon" I fault her alcoholic brother in law for being abusive to his wife, family and them at one point me.

As mentioned several times she is not a practicing Mormon we are more just Christians I guess.

 

Lastly, according to your philosophy, and you are certainly entitled to have an opinion; I should just put everything in life on the back burner as she is enjoying her dream. My view is that in any agreement there must be a mutual agreement whether it is a nation; society, or just a relationship.

 

Also; Where did I say "They" (unsure what you mean) wants to hang out with family.I am extremely supportive; in fact I visit her family more than she does. I am in very good standing which I am thankful for. Also please show evidence where I said that was "weird". It is not my character incidentally to use such a word.

 

I think you should maybe read my thread more carefully. At this point I would ask you to stop responding and wasting space on this board. I say that with all due respect sir. It is not personal.

[j.man]

The original plan is that you went to Utah because YOU had the opportunity or thought you did

I believe the OP says in his first or second post that they moved to Utah because his wife wanted to.

[SgtMike888]

I really appreciate that...I agree. It just came out of no where because our marriage was fine and mostly still is. I just maybe need to take a step back...look at what I have how to utilize it and move on from there. I think she is slowly understanding that we both have dreams.I am supportive of hers...I may not seem like it but I am. I thank you very much that advice really is simple but profound.

[SgtMike888]

Yea, Luckily it was a passing moment in time until about last December when I no longer took it and had the authorities chat with him because I did not want to hurt the guy If a confrontation ensued. I am not violent. Yea, luckily though since they (the wife and husband) are out of the scene it is better. My in laws really are supportive emotionally which is amazing. I need to focus on that nature of what is positive and try my best to just move on and recognize the good.

[SgtMike888]

I often feel very guilty to ask for certain things. I did however ask this; now she wanted to move to Philadelphia from salt Lake City, Utah with a job that would be lateral. She would be getting that job because she would be then traveling around the North East. The issue is I do support her in that but, cost of living is 38% higher with a much higher unemployment rate and we rent a 2 bedroom for 1100 and in PA it would be 1700. I asked her If we can A) Consider If she does get the offer and ask If they will provide relocation support to move across the country. We have no savings nor do we have enough money to procure a place because in the East the standard is 3 months rent upfront which would be in the area of 3,000. On top of that we would have to have money to live off of as it may take time to get a job in the east because it is competitive, crowded and favors people much older who have maybe 10 to 15 years of experience and or a trade they are established in. I just fear it is not possible at this point.

[abitbroken]

I often feel very guilty to ask for certain things. I did however ask this; now she wanted to move to Philadelphia from salt Lake City, Utah with a job that would be lateral. She would be getting that job because she would be then traveling around the North East. The issue is I do support her in that but, cost of living is 38% higher with a much higher unemployment rate and we rent a 2 bedroom for 1100 and in PA it would be 1700. I asked her If we can A) Consider If she does get the offer and ask If they will provide relocation support to move across the country. We have no savings nor do we have enough money to procure a place because in the East the standard is 3 months rent upfront which would be in the area of 3,000. On top of that we would have to have money to live off of as it may take time to get a job in the east because it is competitive, crowded and favors people much older who have maybe 10 to 15 years of experience and or a trade they are established in. I just fear it is not possible at this point.

 

So you want to move back East and seeing family out East is all you talk about and that its not fair and now she is finding an opportunity that will get you closer to family - even if the family is not in Philly, they'd be much closer and easier to see. It will be a sacrifice because the costing of living is higher but there is always a trade off and you will get SOMETHING you want. But yet you are telling us so many reasons to be discouraged about it. You say they only want to hire older people, etc, etc, Actaully, more people complain that companies want to hire YOUNGER people with new ideas, fresh energy and aren't so set in their ways.

 

No matter where you go, you can find something to complain about. The only way you will be happy is if you realize it also comes from atitude and from within. Get treated for PTSD. You can use any excuse in the book to not. Once you start making the first steps, you will be able to enjoy life as it comes more and to be HAPPY that your wife has a job that seems stable, that she loves doing and fulfills her. After awhile, you might have a more open mind about switching up careers a bit if you have nothing good to say about yours/finding what really makes you happy, etc. Heck, I know ex-military people who run bootcamp-style fitness classes and camps as a side job.

 

10 years from now, you can be in a trade that you are established in because you start training now for it, or you continue in your field and get treatment OR the alternative is in 10 years to be an old grump way before mid life where nothing makes you happy.

 

If you are not getting help for your PTSD - you can talk about the culture of Utah, her job, her relatives, your car, this and that all day long, and you will move to Philadelphia and there will be a whole new set of things that you will pick apart when you get there - you can't find a job - you perceive only older people get the jobs, its more expensive, the issues between YOUR family members and this and that. (by the way, in many fields people WANT to hire the younger person with fresh ideas and energy) Our problems tend to follow us. Why not say thank goodness your wife has a stable job that she loves and start getting help. Even downsize and move to cheaper place if you have to. And on top of what the VA starts you off on, maybe you can do things that also make you feel good - like some physical activity. Once you address what is eating inside you and what's not right inside, things will fall into place outside. you will have the forward thinking positive attitude that gets you hired - maybe even trying new things - like a career that is related but not exact. Who knows. You have a lot to offer people but you are dwelling on what you don't have.

 

So you can either tell her no, or can agree.