Obsessed With Girlfriend

Hello all, so me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 4 years, the first 3 was all long distance and we rarely got to see each other. The past 1 year or so we are able to see each other a lot more, a couple times a week. And it's great in every way, I love her and tell her that all the time, she tells me all the time...we both really feel secure and loved in this relationship. When we are together/talking it is so much fun and loving and great. But I just miss her, I obsess over her...whenever we aren't together or Skyping or whatever I constantly think of her, I wonder "why isn't she texting back, it's been 6 hours..." and stuff like that. We used to skype almost every night but now it is much less, she is often just tired. Her schedule did change a bit. I have talked to her a couple times about this and she just explains that she is busy and tired and wishes that we could talk more too but shes just too busy/stressed. And I understand this, I know it's not her fault...but it is still hard on me. I can't help but think, "yeah, you are busy but you are still in a relationship, what about me?", which I know is selfish. We are both at a loss, what should we/I do? I feel so bad because sometimes I end up taking my frustrations out on her even though I know it's not her fault. It is putting a strain on our relationship and I really don't want to smother her. It is hard for me to find happiness when all I can think about is "I hope she texts me soon....wow it's been 2 hours....wow it's been 6 hours cmon" or "I hope we can Skype tonight......oh well looks like you fell asleep, I guess not". I mean yes it is natural for me to disappointed but not to this level, I often cry and have thoughts that I regret, I need to be able to just take it in stride and say "tomorrow's another day"....How do I stop this obsession?

I work in IT and have a lot of downtime and just not that busy, so she's on my mind all day at work. I go to the gym many times a week, but she's often always on my mind there as well. I bowl 1 night a week, but once again she's often on my mind there too.

I have read a bit on this and many people's answer is for me to just find a hobby...but I think it's deeper than that, I mean even when I am doing my current hobbies she is still on my mind. I mean it seems like the only time that I don't obsess over her is when the roles are flipped and she is obsessing over me and I am the busy one...which makes me feel good I admit but is rare. I want her to be an important part of my life, no doubt, but she can't be the focal point and consume every thought that I have. Advice? Thank you so much.

We both want this to be resolved, so I am going to show her this thread.

Hmm, have you felt like this in other relationships before? I admit, if I were in her place, I'd feel very pressured. If you smother her too much, it may have the opposite effect of the intended... Couple of times a week to be able to see each other, plus Skype nearly every night, plus texting - it sounds like a lot for a full-time working person. If you know that she loves you, why do you think you are being insecure? Has she left you before? Have you two had a "break" of some kind in the past?

If you can't figure out the causes of your high needs and worrying and insecurity, have you thought of seeing a therapist about it? I mean, it is great to feel attached and love each other, but Needing someone almost as a drug as opposed to Loving them in a free way are different.

Now that you shifted from LDR to seeing each other more, the dynamic changes and the gratification of all the cyber contact and flurry of texting, etc, should be replaced with real-life interaction. This is more like text addiction and has nothing to do with her or the relationship. It's like you want her on a cyber-tether and a lot of instant gratification with text pings.

Please don't show her this thread this. It's to no avail.

all I can think about is "I hope she texts me soon....wow it's been 2 hours....wow it's been 6 hours cmon" or "I hope we can Skype tonight......oh well looks like you fell asleep, I guess not". I am going to show her this thread.

@Waraqqa, This is my first girlfriend so I don't have experience in other relationships. She has left me once before, a few months ago actually. But we are obviously back together, at first I did not feel loved/missed and I told her that, and she did her best and worked really REALLY hard to reassure me that she does love/miss/care about me. So I don't know why I am being insecure, I know she loves me and all that but I think it is simply we aren't getting to talk to each other enough and it is harder on me because I am not as busy as she is. And I just don't know what to do with my life. She is in college and has had exams this past week and has been busy studying and stuff like that. And I just sit at work on my computer watching movies, waiting for her to text/call me.

@Wiseman2, sorry I should've made this clear. Our relationship still consists of mostly LDR contact, ex. Skype, texting, etc. We get to see each other sometimes once a week, sometimes 2 times a week, sometimes not for weeks at a time. This is out of our control. So our relationship is still mostly cyber.

Not to sound harsh, but you need to get a life. That would help with your boredom and need for constant stimulation. She can not be responsible for that.

She is in college and has had exams this past week and has been busy studying and stuff like that. And I just sit at work on my computer watching movies, waiting for her to text/call me. our relationship is still mostly cyber.

OP--You obviously feel insecure and probably have some anxiety. Your girlfriend leaving you a few months ago didn't help.

Here's the thing; your girlfriend wants a grown man who has a life, not some little lovesick puppy with nothing better to do than to wait by the phone for her to call or text. Not some lovesick little puppy who smothers her and needs constant reassurance. "Yeah, I know that" you say. "But I'm asking, how do I stop being this way?" The answer: fake it until you make it. Number one, you seem to reject the idea that getting a hobby will help, but if you have nothing better to do with your time than to watch movies on your computer while you wait for her to get back to you, I think it's an idea that you may want to consider more. At the very least, start a good workout program if you don't already have one. It'll take up some time, but more importantly it will make you feel more confident, will relax you, and will release feel good hormones. Number two, when you find yourself waiting by the phone, thinking "Come on! Why aren't you answering me?" the best thing to do is to redirect your thoughts. Stand up, throw your hands in the air in a "Y" pattern, and say "She'll get back to me when she has time. I'm not worried about it." Keep doing this as often as you need to. You are actually changing your brain by doing this.

You know how you want to be, you know how you need to be. So be that. Act your way into it. You can be the strong, confident man you want to be, you just have to make the decision that this is how you are going to act until you become him. You can do this. Just remember; fake it until you make it.

Love this exercise!

Stand up, throw your hands in the air in a "Y" pattern, and say "She'll get back to me when she has time. I'm not worried about it."

I appreciate the honest replies, and I think I already knew the answer to my own question. I want to stop being the way I am, of course.. It is just difficult and I do not know how. It just seems that I am always the "chaser" in this relationship rather than the "chasee". I will try to back off a bit and maybe that will change, and I'll become a better person because of it.. Gotta do what I gotta do I guess. Thank you!

How about something on the lines of this: Tell yourself that you're not going to text her or attempt to contact her for a specific period of time. Sort of akin to taking a night off. Tell yourself that you're going to focus on something else and not look at your phone. That you don't need to hear from her. That the following day you will text her. If a day sounds like too much, try it for a matter of hours. This isn't about her, this is about conditioning your mind. You may not be hearing from her at all tonight, but you don't want to be waiting around to hear from her either. If you plan from the beginning to not be in contact with her, it will give you some much needed solace and her some breathing room. (You could tell her that you're busy that night if you like, but even if she doesn't hear from you for a night or a few hours, she will be ok, after all, that's how it is for you)

Does this make sense? I hope it helps.

Thank you, @jdb740, I will try that. I am way too needy/clingy to her and my thoughts are usually, "why isn't she this way with me?"...of course I know that she is busy. But maybe if I back off for a bit like you suggested the scales will balance out and we will both be content. Wish me luck, gonna try to find a hobby or two to occupy my time as well.

Not to sound harsh, but you need to get a life. That would help with your boredom and need for constant stimulation. She can not be responsible for that.

I agree. OP, how did you occupy your time before you got involved with this girl? You had a life before her, right? May I ask, how old are you?

@Capricorn3, I am 19 and she is almost 20....and to answer your other questions, hell I don't really know, we've been dating since it seems like I was a kid in middle school. My life really has been her...but going to try and do a little more for my education and maybe catch up on some video games. I just need to find some things in life that are not her. Just need to find out what...

You need to develop a life of your own that makes you happy independently without your gf in krder to have a lasting relationship. Couples who only spend time with each other and are only happy when they're with their partner are doomed. Each of you needs to have your own independent lives that fulfill you before you can have a relationship that is healthy.

Do you have a core group of friends? Do you see /speak to them? If not then you should put a lot of effort into socializing with others and giving yourself another avenue of human connection. If you get out of work and you're going to visit your buddy to get a drink or watch the game or go to the gym together, then you're not going to be thinking "when is my gf going to text me, I miss her, why isn't she calling..."

It seems like outside of her and your job, you don't have anything to occupy your mind. And no matter how much your gf loves you, eventually it will get to be too much of a burden to have your happiness and mood depend on her.

I am trying to develop a life outside of my girlfriend, I really am...but I still cannot help but think that this is unfair. Like for the past couple of days we barely have spoken, a few texts in the morning and then nothing the rest of the day. I get that I need to find hobbies/find friends so I am not so obsessed...but we are still in a relationship, a LDR relationship at that, and communication and talking is important, isn't it? Like we shouldn't talk all the time like we and a lot of people do in the "honeymoon phase" anymore, but we should still talk enough to know what is going on in each others' lives, shouldn't we?

You're not seeing it clearly tho. You yourself just said that you'll text a few times in the morning and then nothing else the rest of the day.

What the heck else is there to talk about man?

You're expecting a morning text convo, then a lunch update, then a phone call after work to talk.. Talk about what man? She's got nothing else to report

My gf is a nurse and works 11-11pm 4 days a week. I work normal 9-5 hours. On the days she works, and most weekdays actually, we will text maybe once during the day with a simple "hey babe, how's your day going ". And then I won't hear from her until she's leaving work where she'll call me on her way home.

And because she gets out late, sometimes I'm already asleep and don't pick up. Last night I fell asleep early and missed her call, so we ended up not speaking to each other at all yesterday. No big deal. It's not like there was a massive event that happened where she needed to tell

Me about or something I had to tell her. You're putting too much stress on constant daily contact.

Pretend for a moment that this was 1990. No internet, no cell phones. Would you still expect to hear frlm her and talk multiple times per day in order to feel like she's validating her interest and love for you? I doubt it.

You're not seeing it clearly tho. You yourself just said that you'll text a few times in the morning and then nothing else the rest of the day.

What the heck else is there to talk about man?

You're expecting a morning text convo, then a lunch update, then a phone call after work to talk.. Talk about what man? She's got nothing else to report

 

My gf is a nurse and works 11-11pm 4 days a week. I work normal 9-5 hours. On the days she works, and most weekdays actually, we will text maybe once during the day with a simple "hey babe, how's your day going ". And then I won't hear from her until she's leaving work where she'll call me on her way home.

 

And because she gets out late, sometimes I'm already asleep and don't pick up. Last night I fell asleep early and missed her call, so we ended up not speaking to each other at all yesterday. No big deal. It's not like there was a massive event that happened where she needed to tell

Me about or something I had to tell her. You're putting too much stress on constant daily contact.

 

Pretend for a moment that this was 1990. No internet, no cell phones. Would you still expect to hear frlm her and talk multiple times per day in order to feel like she's validating her interest and love for you? I doubt it.

@Empire87, wow that really put it into perspective...I was only a baby in the 90s but I still get what you are saying....lol. I guess the main problem is not that we aren't talking, it's more that I don't think she is putting in the effort to talk to me. Like you say your gf is a nurse, your gf literally is unable to talk to you between 11-11, four days a week. My gf is different, she is just relaxing or studying or whatever at night and I still get nothing and it feels like she's not putting in effort. I could get if we were in a relationship and saw each other multiple times a week, but we are mostly in a LDR and texting/calling is all we really have at the moment.

IDK. I just need to get a life I guess, lol.

My gut feel is she's pulling away from the relationship (tried to break up recently, now less contact in general compared to before). Be prepared for a break up. You're both too young plus LDR, I don't see it working out.

Whether or not she might break up, clinginess and over-communication would only make it worse. If she is indeed planning to break up, then the clinginess will leave you with less sense of dignity and a less dignified image of you in her head in terms of later memories. If she is not planning to break up, then the clinginess may actually prompt her to want to, or otherwise strain the existing relationship.

Further, when you say "she is just relaxing or studying or whatever at night and I still get nothing" that sounds very dismissive. Going to college requires effort and daily work, including doing homework and prepping at night. Don't you want her to succeed and realise her potential? Just because you have a laid-back life-style, it shouldn't prevent her from having goals, and goals take work and dedication. People who are in relationships shouldn't have to give it up. And it doesn't mean lack of love or effort. But there is such a thing as asking too much. I had an ex when I was very young, he wasn't interested in education and worked a regular job. Then he expected me to talk to him on the phone every time for an hour (we were long-distance at the time). I was moving towards the end of my BA and had to study and also apply to grad school and work part-time. It was stressful. His expectations were just too much for me, and he was not being supportive of my dreams. Needless to say, it did not work out.

On the other hand, I also experienced clinginess to someone else. Mainly because there was tons of insecurity and he sometimes gave me silent treatments. If I would react and keep reaching out, he'd just label me as clingy, over-emotional or even hysterical. So, I HAD TO control myself (with varying degrees of success). I remember I had days when I was just so tempted to text him something, but I restrained myself even if it meant rolling around on my bed in a fetal position. It was hard (and that relation actually did not work out), but it did make me stronger and less clingy, both with him and later on with other people. I figure, there is such a thing as too much contact. In a good couplehood, it will balance out in the middle according to both people's needs. And if someone doesn't talk to me for weeks on end (such happened), then I should just let them go. Obviously, if you communicate most days, I wouldn't blame her for "not putting enough effort".

I do not think that we will break up, we are both relatively happy. We have been through hell in the past as far as LDR goes, our parents didn't accept it, among many other things. And we have been happy, no strangers to LDR. In the next couple weeks we will start to be able to see each other more, like a couple times a week, so that's better anyways.

I have discussed this issue with her and she is very understanding and supportive of me changing....I just need to do that and take the correct steps to do that effectively.

It is just difficult for me to take all the blame because I am also in college and I also work 20-30 hours a week, and I still make sure I contact her and make sure that she is happy. And I do not get that in return. What always seems to pop in my mind is that she also used to be "clingy" as well...we were both pretty clingy and it balanced out so both of us were happy. Now it is just me and she is not anymore and I can't help but think why? I don't think she is close to moving on or ending the relationship or anything like that because the love is still there and I know she misses me. Just doesn't show it like she once did.

The reason why you're not feeling the same level of effort on her part is because you have established a level of communication so constant that she doesn't need to put the effort in like she used to.

What I mean is, she knows you're going to text her in the morning at this point, she knows you're going to text/call her later in the afternoon or that night. So she has lost the sense of needing to initiate contact since you have taken that to the extreme these last few months and never appear to be unavailable. If you stopped contacting her every morning or spaced it out, and started saying things like "sorry I missed your call earlier, I was busy/at the gym/out with some friends... Then she will begin to regain that feeling of wanting to get a hold of you and see how your day was.

Anytime one person in a relationship is constantly available, it forces the other person to be less available because there simply cannot be constant communication throughout the day 7 days a week, 365 days a year. You have to find other things to do where you are just absent at times so that she starts to see that you have a life also and it doesn't revolve around her. If you don't, she's going to just see you as the clingy, easy to obtain BF ... And that gets old and annoying very fast.