Open relationship

I am at a total loss. I have been seeing someone for almost six months and for the most part I have been happy. In the initial stages he wanted to make things official and ask if we were dating, etc. I was a bit hesitant as we were just getting to know eachother but thought things were moving in thtat direction. It was my understanding that we were exclusive as we were doing everything a couple would do without the title.

When I was out of town for one week this summer he ended up making out with a friend of his at a club. He told me about it immediately when he returned and seemed remourseful. I forgave him and told him not to let it happen again. I assumed he would distance himself from this friend since it seems fairly obvious she likes him in some way. It would upset me and I would ask him if she liked him but he always brushed it off and said he didn't think so. I get so mad when she texts him to hang out, etc. By nature I don't think I am a jealous person but I feel very disrespected by the entire situation.

In more recent months things have been going well but whenever I breach the subject of dating and what is that we "are" he becomes very uncomfortable. He says that things seem to be nice the way they are and that he isn't ready for something "super serious".

Sometimes I sense that he seems distant or not as into it as he used to be. I feel like I bend over backwards for him-- both emotionally and with everyday things-- cooking dinner, cleaning, etc.

He recently left for several months (for work and for a trip) and I wanted to have a serious discussion about what was going on with us, etc. He said he wanted things to be more "open". I was thrown for a loop. This is someone I spend every day with, who I eat dinner with every night, who sleeps in my bed every night. Things seem to be happy and I know he cares about me. I just didn't get it and was in shock. He said he didn't want to feel guilty if he went somewhere and there was another girl he wanted to "talk to". WHAT? I basically paraphrased what he had told me-- so basically you want to keep me around but also have the option to hook up with other people if something better comes along?

I said absolutely NOT and that I was not comfortable with that. I said if that's what you want to do then you can do that but I won't have anything to do with it. By the look on his face I could tell he felt really awful. I told him that him saying that to me broke my heart and that I was disapointed because I thought he was better than that.

He quickly said that we are dating and just to forget about that conversation. It has been WEEKS now and we have been talking while he has been away but t hat conversation has stuck with me. I felt like such a fool. So unappreciated, so worthless.

I am at a total loss. I would appreciate any advise as to where to go from here.

He is being honest with you. He does not want to be in a committed relationship with you. He wants to have the benefits of being a committed couple but wants to keep his options open in case someone else catches his eye. He's been telling you this in different ways for a long time. Unless you trust him not to have intercourse with another woman or do something else that is sexually risky for you I would stop having sex with him while he is interested in keeping things casual. If you want a committed relationship I would leave and tell him only to contact you if he changes his mind but if you're ok with keeping things casual then go for it. But please do not lie to yourself about what you want.

I'm curious as to why you'd stick with a guy who treats you as he does. You want something serious and committed and he doesnt. This boy wants to have his cake and eat it too.

This man has been clear and direct with you, be grateful for that.So it's up to you, how are you going to handle this? Will you enjoy his company and not look for more? Or, if you want more, will you walk away and look for someone else who wants what you want? You've fallen into the "fallback girl" role. He wants to keep his options open.I recommend moving on. You won't be getting anything fair or equitable from this guy

To be fair, he hasn't actually done anything wrong - he told you how he feels, and it's up to you how you react to it. You're clearly not comfortable with the idea of an open relationship, and if that's the case, you should end it rather than trying to force him to commit to something he doesn't want to commit to. But at least he was straight about it with you.

Sometimes I sense that he seems distant or not as into it as he used to be. I feel like I bend over backwards for him-- both emotionally and with everyday things-- cooking dinner, cleaning, etc.

Stop playing housewife to a guy who doesn't even want you as a girlfriend let alone anything else. That does NOT win a man's heart. It tells him you are a doormat and it reminds them of their mom, so there ya go. You're "Mom" to this guy with no spine who will let him treat you any way he pleases. What part of that's going to make anyone lose total respect for you do you not get.

My advice, tell him he can do his own cooking and cleaning because you aren't doing jack all until someone shows you they can be an equal partner. Then you block and delete him and find a guy who wants what you do, because this guy doesn't, never has.

Seriously, I winced at the whole Susie homemaker line. Like cooking and cleaning ever make someone fall for you. Sorry to be harsh, but come on.

Another case of assuming that because you act lime a couple....you are exclusive. The warning shot was fired when you found out about the other woman he was "friendly" with. If you hadn't said anything before he left town...he would do as he.pleased. His idea of "dating" does not include exclusively.

Directly or indirectly there were so many clues for you along the way that would indicate he wasn't looking for a serious exclusive relationship with you, yet you continued on `as if'

This one's on you.

Learn from this and make sure you know exactly where you stand next time you let someone in your bed and you find yourself saying things like "I feel like I bend over backwards for him-- both emotionally and with everyday things-- cooking dinner, cleaning, etc"

You assumed you were a couple. . Not only did he not agree to this he actually told you straight up he wasn't ready.

Even when you describe him feeling guilty. .he quickly brushed it away and said you two were `dating' . .

Dating doesn't mean exclusive. At least not in my book.

Same thing, different day.

This may be foolish, but is is extremely difficult to walk away from someone who you feel like you're falling in love with. I feel like I am falling into a deeper and deeper in a bad situation and I don't know how to get out.

By packing his stuff and putting it on the curb.

I think I am in denial that I would allow someone to take advantage of my kind nature.

Well, you are in denial. He has made it clear on at least 3 occasions that he doesn't want a commitment.

And yet you are playing house with him. Is he living with you?

I think I am in denial that I would allow someone to take advantage of my kind nature.

I am sure you are kind. In this case the issue is not kindness but passivity/low self-esteem. The distinction is important because you want to break the pattern and telling yourself it's because you are "kind" won't motivate you to act in an assertive way when someone else crosses your boundaries.

I think I am in denial that I would allow someone to take advantage of my kind nature.

That attitude may not serve you well.

That is a victim mentality. You didn't allow someone to take advantage of you. That suggests he somehow misrepresented himself and took something that was offered to him under different conditions.

But from what you shared it doesn't sound like that happened.

He told you directly and indirectly what the score was and you seemed to have thought if you kept giving the better parts of you that he would in turn feel the same.

That works if you two are on the same page. But he told you more than once he wasn't.

Considering everything, if you still made the choice to give away parts of yourself, then no one took advantage of you.

You are right. I need to be stronger and yes, I do suffer from low self-esteem.

I am sorry to hear this but my suggestion is also to leave him except he changed his mind for you. what's the meaning if you continue to be with him and he wants other girls as well... except you also keep looking for other guys...it is totally meaningless for..and what you could get at the end of the day? you think things will get better? no I think it will get worse if some day he met a girl he really into and you are just wasting your time...

Be strong and leave him..if he value your kindness or anything, he should change his mind and keep you...

I know it is hard but it is always hard to find truly happiness.

Good luck! it is not the end of world to break up with him and you will find a love who just want you.

Sent from my SGH-M919V using Tapatalk