Asian-Black Marriage Proposal

I proposed to my gf and she wants to accept, but her parents have threatened to cut her off if she decides to marry me. I'm black she's asian, her family lives in China. I've been trying to convince her to stand with me no matter and that we will get through this together. However, she's too scared of the judgement of her family and causing a damage relationship with them. What can I do to convince her to spend the rest of her life with me? She is the love of my life.

I don't think there is anything you can say. This is a choice she will have to make. Be there for her, but understand family has lots of pull in her world. Be prepared that this may not be the happy ending you are hoping for.

I agree, you can't make up her mind for her. Her background and traditions and expectations are so strong that it's no wonder she's conflicted. She would have to find massive strength from within to go against her parents, you can't force it. Ultimately this relationship may not work out for you.

I've been trying to convince her to stand with me no matter and that we will get through this together. However, she's too scared of the judgement of her family and causing a damage relationship with them.

Her family lives on the other side of the world and she's afraid of being "cut off?"

Unfortunately if she is not willing to be on the same page with you about getting married, then you can't proceed forward. This would be a deal breaker.

No, you can't convince anyone to marry you, nor should you ever. She should want to share her life with you despite of what others say about her relationship with you.

Cut her off. If she really loves you, she will marry you. Period. There comes a time in life where you have to cut the umbilical cord from parents and it sounds like she isn't strong enough to do this. Besides, do you really want to be involved with someone whose parents control their lives from thousands of miles away?

It makes no sense to 'convince' another to decide something so life altering, because even if you 'win,' you lose. You're left with the knowledge that you strong-armed the decision, and so is she. And that's a poison seed.

The only way to enjoy clarity that someone is equally as clear in their desires as you are is to allow them the time and patience to make their decisions for themselves.

If it's not her idea, you get blamed for any fallout for the duration. That's a lousy outcome no matter how you slice it.

To be honest, if she truly loved you she wouldn't care what her parents say. Presumably she is over the age of 18, they need to let her grow up. If her parents have never met you then they have no right to be judging you. Ask your gf if her parents would allow you to come over for dinner or a movie. If they say no then there never going to give you a chance but if they say yes you better make a good first impression

I think that would be difficult considering the parents live in China

Cut her off. If she really loves you, she will marry you. Period. There comes a time in life where you have to cut the umbilical cord from parents and it sounds like she isn't strong enough to do this.

To be honest, if she truly loved you she wouldn't care what her parents say. Presumably she is over the age of 18, they need to let her grow up. If her parents have never met you then they have no right to be judging you.

See, this is the only problem with interracial relationships- especially if your partner is a first generation immigrant. The issue isn't about the Girlfriend's maturity- it's handling culture clash and potentially sacrificing your identity.

I know this from being married to a Filipino man and having many Asian friends. I'm lucky he wants to mostly assimilate in American culture, but most Asian people are afraid of doing so. Their culture is very conservative. They are afraid of losing their culture and are very closely tied to their families. I guarantee that the reason her parents feel very resiliant about her marrying the OP is because they truly think she will end up abandoning her culture and be apart of an outsider's lifestyle- and Chinese customs are not ok with that. I have a friend who came here from China who is very devoted to his family and gives them money he makes even though they don't really need it. He's 30 and it is expected within his cultural standards that he takes care of his elders (parents).

Honestly it is a lose-lose situation for the OP. I feel for him.

When a grown woman or man gets involved in a serious relationship, knowing the other is interested in marriage, and they know they can not or will not give that, I think it's important to listen when they tell you that.

You may love her a lot but the love of your life would not take it this far knowing they do not want to marry you. As no matter how it is expressed, that is what she has said. She is choosing not to marry you.

I'm sorry. I think, regardless of cultural background or ethnicity or religion or anything you want to insert here, if a person does not see a future with you, that's as simple as it gets - and as hard as it is, you need to accept it and find someone you can share a future with.

I personally think she should have ended it with you earlier if she knew she would not ultimately marry you, and you want that. It's a bit cruel.

Don't pressure her. Let her make her own mind up. If she chooses not to marry you, support her decision. In the big picture it's HER life, you are only a part of it

I would not cut her off immediately. The idea of her parents is something she needs to work through. She may experience the same issues whether you were black, white, purple - anything but first generation Chinese - anyone who is integrated into American culture. I married into a family where it was an issue that I wasn't their ethnicity - and we were both white. I had ancestry from a country near that country even. If they are paying for her schooling this is a huge deal if you guys are relatively young. But if you guys are mid 20s or older, then its another issue.

I have to ask - is she expected/expecting to move back to China after a certain amount of time or is she a naturalized citizen or legal resident? That will make a difference.

Also, I would explore the question of if her parents even know she is dating in general. If they have no clue she even dates and the big surprise is that she is engaged to an American - it will be a huge shock - which might be softened if she says "guess what, the young man from our village who moved here proposed. we are coming back to China"

I think that you need to talk about all the issues and maybe if you still decide to provide, tell her that you are not expecting her answer on the spot.

I would tell her that she has a choice to make - that if she cannot marry you, then you have to stop dating to meet someone who would eventually want to.

When a grown woman or man gets involved in a serious relationship, knowing the other is interested in marriage, and they know they can not or will not give that, I think it's important to listen when they tell you that.

 

You may love her a lot but the love of your life would not take it this far knowing they do not want to marry you. As no matter how it is expressed, that is what she has said. She is choosing not to marry you.

 

I'm sorry. I think, regardless of cultural background or ethnicity or religion or anything you want to insert here, if a person does not see a future with you, that's as simple as it gets - and as hard as it is, you need to accept it and find someone you can share a future with.

 

I personally think she should have ended it with you earlier if she knew she would not ultimately marry you, and you want that. It's a bit cruel.

Agree. Just to avoid future heartache and further emotional investment in a relationship, this conversation needs to happen.

She's immature. The worst thing you can do is convince her to stand with you because it won't be long before she really resents that.

I agree with those who advise stepping away from this relationship, and taking the time to fully heal.