How do you start the break up conversation

I'm here just looking for a little advice/ support. I'm planning on breaking up with my alcoholic fiance tomorrow but I'm not sure how to bring the topic up.

A little background. I posted here once before about needing to leave but not being sure how. Since then I have looked at a new apartment and am signing a lease on a new place on Tuesday. I thought it would be good to have my exit plan in place so there will be no going back or changing my mind. I've read over some journal entries I've made this past year and there is not a single month that I didn't write to remind myself things were not getting better and I needed to get out. Now the time is approaching and I don't know how to do it. I'm worried that i'm feeling a little tender toward him because he has been "sick" for the past couple days (this form of sick I have come to recognize as him putting himself into withdrawal so he will appear a different sort of sick and I'll feel bad for him). I'm not going to let myself get manipulated into staying in a life I don't want when I've already given 5 years.

I just don't think I've ever broken up with anyone before let alone a man at one point I thought I was going to marry. How do I bring up the conversation? Do I stay after and try to talk things over with him or just say what I have to and leave for a few days to let him process?

We live together so we do have some things to talk about but maybe that is a conversation for a different day after he is convinced I'm serious about leaving this time? I'll be going to stay with my sister Thursday- Monday so that will be good for me. I'm mostly just worried about how to get through Sunday. Any advice at all would be helpful.

Tell him that the relationship has reached a conclusion and that, as he clearly knows, you haven't been happy for a long time. Hand him his ring and tell him that you have found and apartment and will be moving out and until then, you will be staying with your sister (or whatever your plan is).

When he says he will change...when he says we can work it out...you hold your ground and tell him you have no interest nor patience left.

Simple. "Baby welcome to dumpsville, population you"

Homer Simpson has all the best ways to deal with anything.

Make sure you sign that lease first so there is no backing out on your part. Go stay with your sister. Then tell him you are leaving. Dont hang around hoping to discuss it with him. You need one hell of a strong backbone at this point as alcoholics are manipulative whiners and can be very abusive and angry all at the same time while telling you they will reform, quit drinking, and life will be wonderful. Dont believe it, stick to your plan.

I had an alcoholic friend, not a bf, and I had to dump him as a friend because of the booze. You will feel so much better afterwards, I know I did.

There really isn't a good way to go about breaking up with someone. You just have to say, "Can we talk?" and then once he's seated and attentive, take the plunge. I'm sure you've mentally rehearsed the things you'd like to say to him, your reasons for the breakup - it helps if you don't accuse or condemn. Try to state facts and not emotions. Like, "I told you in ___ that if you didn't enter rehab I was going to end this." Or, "I feel ___ for the last ___ months and it hasn't gone away." Don't call him an alcoholic, that isn't necessary and if he's in denial it won't end well. Don't give him any sort of impression that there is anything he can do to redeem himself and change your mind. Stand your ground, don't give him any hope. Don't let him manipulate you or guilt you into staying. Ignore anything he says that smacks of that.

It really sucks hurting someone we love and it hurts us too, but don't ever give in to the guilt you'll feel and contact him. It's best to cut all ties, cold turkey. Best for you both, even if he won't realize it at first.

Thank you SpottiOtti. This is the sort of conversation I hope to have. It can be hard for me to stick to the facts especially because I know there will be no way that I won't be crying when I have this conversation. My body has a crying or really eyes tearing up face turning red reaction to any sort of confrontation (not just with him).

I believe he will probably react in an angry way which I guess is part of my need to seek advice about how to have the conversation. When we've had fights in the past he usually yells something like "if you're going to leave just leave" if he does this I'll have to fight my natural instinct to make him feel better or understand and just leave.

I hope my backbone is strong enough! I really feel like it has only recently started to develop. Over the past year I've gotten better at doing things for myself and keeping plans I make even when he was supposed to come with me and backed out. In the past I would have made an excuse for both of us and sat at home being miserable and alone. I have been getting better at recognizing and not giving into his acts of manipulation. I guess it was all practice to build my backbone for this moment.

Just wanted to congratulate you for looking out for yourself. Many people stay in the same old unhappy situation for fear of change or in hopes it will get better. You are taking control of your life and leaving because you know you deserve better.

I'm a huge proponent of meditating because it has really helped me in stressful situations to remain grounded and calm. If that resonates for you, there are some good free ones on the Deepak Chopra website. Twenty minutes of centered breathing before you talk to him plus setting intentions will go a long way. Then visualize yourself doing it.

Hope you'll let us know how it goes. Best to you!

Please don't say "but we can still be friends". Worst thing to say because the person being broken up with will cling to that.

When I ended my marriage, I simply told my husband "As you know, I've been very unhappy with how our marriage has been for a few years now. I've decided to move out and file for divorce. I'll be moving out in about a week. I'm sorry it has come to this, but my mind is made up".

He will try many ways to get you to change your mind. He'll try to get you to pity him. You WILL pity him, but if the alternative is five more years of the relationship exactly as it is now (and that IS what would happen, he most likely will "change" for a week or two and then go right back to the way he is now), it's important to stick to your guns. And I wouldn't stay around to let him cry or try to convince you. I'd leave the house as soon as you've said your piece.

Do I stay after and try to talk things over with him or just say what I have to and leave for a few days to let him process?

No, you're beyond talk, so just tell him you need to go--and do it.

It makes no sense to turn a breakup into an unproductive therapy session, and what, exactly, is left to say? You'll need to deal with him at some point to complete your move, so don't go into any details. If you suspect that he will be angry, you might even want to have someone wait outside to drive you away quickly if necessary.

The time for talk is long gone, I'd use the time he's at work to move my valuables out, and when he gets home I'd tell him that I'm going to stay elsewhere because I'm ending the relationship. And that's all I'd really need to say.

Thank you for sharing your experience, boltnrun. I am going to try to make sure to use your phrase "I'm sorry it has come to this,but my mind is made up." My mind is made up. I know it will be best for me and I have seen the pattern of his "change" lasting for a couple days to a week or two at most. I know that if he had any desire to make a lasting change he would have started years ago and still be working on it now. It is time for me to say what I need to and go.

I have a better idea of what to say and how. Now I just need to stay firm and do it.

I don't know, but I think using the actual words "breaking up" in some way would be good. Leave out ambiguity. Maybe even use "I" and no "we", no words reminiscent of you as a unit or couple.

If you want to role play here, test your approach and exit, that is fine.

If it's any help, I started a thread about this several years ago, where people chimed in with suggestions for a better break up.