The Strength of Support

Hi All,

This is my first time on here & I really need help. I am 42 years old from Queensland, Australia & have been in a very loving & fantastic relationship with a wonderful 45year old man for the past 6 months. We met online about 8 months ago & it just clicked from the beginning (& is still clicking!) Just to mention... we have never had a bad word or a problem with "us"!

The problems are quite an extensive list for what he is enduring at the moment... He was in a 10 year relationship when it ended badly April last year. They still lived in the "dream" house together until only 2 weeks ago when he moved out as things were totally unbearable for him there with the arguing & bitterness. Naturally I never got to see him at his house because of "her" being there & respecting that. The relationship we have has seen us spending a lot of time at my house or motels which has been great... now he has a place of his own & he is just "not happy".

Here are the stats which he has expressed that is what is upsetting him...

He has never lived by himself before & now is living alone.

He has always lived in "his" house & is now renting.

He doesn't have any plans for future & he has always had plans.

His "dream" house is now on the market to be sold.

They used to "swing" but stopped because she didn't want to & now she has gone back "swinging" without him.

They have 4 dogs & he is taking 2 - both of his dogs are at new place unsettled looking for other dogs.

He feels like he has disappointed me as now has own place & still not happy - I understand the motions he will be going through from such a long term relationship breakup.

He "hates" her & doesn't want to talk or email her, though he has to for settlement reasons.

He says that I am the only "good" thing in his life at the moment but with his crap & moodiness I don't "deserve" him.

He is definitely in his man cave & says things like "right now there is no good" & "even tennis is ty, not in a good head space right now".

He has a low libido & said that he has gone from a guy that masturbates every day (high sex drive) to someone who has only masturbated twice in 2 weeks.

I understand that he is pushing me away at the moment & doesn't want to burden me with his "crap" as it is starting to make me sad, though I know I have to be strong & just be there for him. We are only texting at the moment as that's how he responds to me (which I understand). I don't ask questions about how he is, I just make statements like "thinking of you babe x" "Hey... the good far outweighs the bad" & "I hope you had a decent hit tonight... I'm off to bed soon, sweet dreams x". So far he always responds straight away (which I think is a good sign)... even though his comments are negative (but I guess that's just where he's at!)

My worry is... He's on the edge & hurting so much. If I go near him or ask questions he may go over the edge, I don't want that. Do I contact one of his friends to let them know how serious it is or does that break the trust in our relationship? What do I do here?? Is it that he may actually want me to show up & give him a cuddle? Or do I just keep trying to be a strong support... let him know I'm here & not going anywhere... not asking for time together or anything, just keep sending occasional non-invasive texts..?? At least he texts me straight back which I'm taking is a good thing as he's not pushing me right away & he's still letting me know where he's at (I think he still wants me around at the end of all this). I'm really hurting for him, I know that he has to go through the motions of that his life has completely changed now but I don't want to walk away

I hate to say it, but he sounds like he is far from ready for a relationship.

He has so much to deal with at the moment, it is like the realisation of the split is only just hitting him, as he is having to deal with all the changes to his life.

I think I would fade out as he doesn't sound like he is in the right headspace. It is a worry that he never texts you, only replies to yours.

It is going to take him a long time to sort out this new life & be ready to date someone, so it is really up to you if you want to wait around for however long that takes.

I think you are the type that likes a "fixer-upper." If you were his mom, or close relative it would be fine to be treated this way during all this emotional turmoil, but you haven't been dating long enough to justify being scared to contact him because he might go over the edge.

"I think he still wants me around at the end of all this."

"let him know I'm here & not going anywhere."

"not asking for time together or anything"

These 3 comments do not sit well with me. You are setting the bar really low. If you can be satisfied by this person texting you back right away as fulfilling you romantic needs, you are a very undemanding woman. But unfortunately, in this case, all you are getting are little crumbs from this man. He is pushing you away, so not sure what keeps you hanging around.

Thanks Shelly for your reply... I'm sorry I wasn't clearer - he does text me all of the time, out of the blue. The last time was less than 2 days ago. It's just the last 24 hours things have just hit him... he wants me around, just doesn't want me seeing him like this as he feels it will drag us down. I am not the type of person to be in a serious relationship with somebody & then when they hit rock bottom, leave... really that is not what I would want if it happened to me. To be a loving partner who is there for you in tough times as well as happy is what a healthy relationship is about. My question was about concern for his health & wellbeing... do I go to him & give him a cuddle whilst he is in his cave or do I just wait on the outside for a few days??

I didn't say I was scared to contact him..?? What I am not sure - if going to him to give him a cuddle would be wise... what does this man want whilst he is talking to me from his cave? I don't want to ask questions as I tried that & said he doesn't know the answers. When I say that I think he still wants me around at the end of all this... He's not telling me to bugger off, he's texting me letting me know where he's at, etc... What is love if you can't let someone you love & they love you know that you're here for them & not going anywhere when they are going through a difficult time?? Understanding a man needing time in his cave is a common thing referred to as the "Rubber Band Theory"... not asking for time together or anything is me acknowledging what is happening here without jumping up & down & bringing more drama into his life (which he doesn't need at the moment). I had my romantic needs met on Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday night (wined & dined) & Sunday morning... this was less than a week ago so I don't think there is a problem with the romance here or that I am only getting "crumbs"!

This has just happened in the last 24 hours and I am worried for his health & wellbeing, tis all... I'm allowed to worry when he is communicating exactly what he is going through. What keeps me hanging around is that if I was to have a few rough days & hit rock bottom... I certainly would not expect that my loving partner leaves just because the going gets tough! I would just like to know if giving this man a cuddle would be bad cause in means I am going into his cave... should I just wait at the entrance shining my light to let him know that he's talking to someone who is still there?

Are you into the swinger lifestyle? He doesn't sound like a one-woman man.

So keep reading John Gray, and leave him alone.

Yes, I too am into this lifestyle... there is no problem with our sexual relationship

Why does everybody focus on nit picking every other part of the conversation instead of helping to answer what I am asking... "My question was about concern for his health & wellbeing... do I go to him & give him a cuddle whilst he is in his cave or do I just wait on the outside for a few days?? "

Yes, I gave the stats - that was so questions didn't get asked "why is he in his cave, what caused him to be in his cave, how long have you been together, etc..?"

Can anybody help me with what I am actually asking and focus on a positive here, or is it only negative stuff that people want to comment..??

I know that there are stories from people who chose to stay with their partner (of a short time) going through a rough patch. So why can't I do this too, why is it so bad that I'm willing to stay with someone through their tough time... why does everybody see the negative rather than focus on the positive here? If anybody has a positive I'd love to hear it please!!

Hello fellow Aussie! I think it's a delicate line that you're treading on.

When long term relationship end they create a tsunami of 'stuff'. I would imagine that is what he's dealing with at the moment. Our sense of who we are is unclear, our sense of the future is unclear, and all the while we're trying to make sense of or sweep aside the debris of the past. I imagine this is what he's dealing with as well.

So where should you stand in this? My sense is that all you can do is be supportive, not be too available and not be his counsellor. What you don't want to be is the woman that he unloads all his emotional sh*t on. That's what happens with rebound relationships - one person unloads, the other takes it on, and then when the other feels better they leave and go onto greener pastures.

If you care about this guy, you don't want this to happen to you! So, show your support, don't be in his face, and be the interesting and sexy woman that's not his counsellor or his mother.

It's going to be a fine line to tread.

Why not ask him?

He has just left a long term relationship. That he has been with you, while residing with her --- has made the transition from her to you easier. Moving out has made the split final. And much like a divorce --- when it finally "hits" he sees what he has lost. His house, his dreams. And reality bites.

You were/are --- the rebound. Helped him transition out. And now --- he is at sea.

He isn't going to come out of his cave anytime soon. So --- I would take a giant step back. It isn't going to be a few days. He is finally grieving the end of his relationship with her.

Thank you Gollum & mhowe... finally some helpful & positive advise!! He contacted me last night, all with positive talking. I know this is going to be a long haul & that I have to step back to let him grieve. I'll just gauge with him as to what he wants & let him come to me, hence not being too available & yes... make him work for my love & affection so that I am treated like the girlfriend rather than the counsellor (I must say that so far we have been doing a good job of this). It's not going to be easy, but sometimes when you find something unique & of value you tend to endure the pain... In saying all of this, I'm not stupid & will know when enough is enough. To give it time is what is required, to give it forever is not an option