Girlfriend going on vacation with single man

Am I over reacting about this?

She's 28 and very good looking.

My GF and I have been dating for 7 months now. Both finishing up with failed marriages and trying to carry on. We love each other so much but have been fighting about silly things almost daily.

We met on a job site and are making plans for our future. Marriage, Children, home, that kinda stuff.

We just seem to be drawn to one another. I've never felt a connection like this to anyone.

After our last squabble she told me she had made plans to go on a week long vacation with a single guy friend that we used to work with. (this person is a fairly obese guy but really friendly and a talker) I expressed my concerns and made sure she knew I wasn't comfortable with her going. All hell broke loose. "He had taken time off of work, she didn't want to hurt his feelings, they're just friends, he's not her type, nothing will happen ...." That kind of stuff. The fight lasted until I gave in and said for her to just go then.

Since then, we've argued about it a couple of times. Each time I made sure she knew that I just wasn't good with it. I told her to look it up to see what others thought. Again, a big fight, crying, and I had to submit again.

We've both lied at some point to each other so we're working on trust issues.

We've both done bad things at the end of our marriages which makes us bad people. Again working on trust issues.

I'm a normal guy. If I was single and i was sitting in a car with an attractive woman for 17 hrs one way, headed on a week long vacation with her, knowing she has been fighting daily with her BF. I would figure I had a shot at being with her. That's just how guys are.

She can't see that.

I don't know.

Can someone please help me with this.

I'm ready to call it quits and your input will be the deciding factor.

Thanks everyone.

You are dating -- for 7 months.

You have voiced your concerns -- and she discounts them.

You both have trust issues -- and are fighting daily about silly things.

This isn't a silly thing.

These plans have been made after you "connected".....

Walk away.

I don't think it's appropriate for her to take a trip with him -I might feel differently if they planned it before you met and she didn't want to leave him high and dry.

It's difficult to know if she is deliberately testing you or just being thoughtless. Or if there's some big factor that changes the picture (e.g. if her guy friend is gay).

I would not assume she is cheating on you with this guy. I would not even assume that she would necessarily cheat on the vacation. But, the doubt is going to kill you and damage the relationship...whatever happens or doesn't happen.

Could you go on the vacation with them?

No, I'm away at work and she's on days off. He's taking time off of his work for the trip. I just can't.

Her guy friend isn't gay but is quite obese. I told her that not all relationships are based on looks.

Dude, fighting makes no relationship fun. You did voice your opinion on this with her, so leave that at that. What needs to happen will happen, and that does not mean the worst will happen. She needs your support more than your judgement. If you give her this space, and support it, that says that you are not a bad person, but an understanding one. Let it play out, and I see your view especially because you both still have insecurities you need to sort out, but I promise you this, the one thing she is going to talk about with this obese person who likes her and will listen all the way through without judging her, is how you are so controlling because you do not want her to do what she wants to do.

7 months is short mate, give it time. You anyways want a woman who wants you all the way and forever in the end, so work on that and don't stress about the 'what ifs', you've been around the block, you know what's up. Take care of yourself, love her for who she is, and be a man, not a boyfriend.

Good luck bro

I agree with the majority. This does sound like a test. I'm wondering if you two are fighting daily about silly things, someone needs to take the helm - and that should be you. Make your words mean something. State your case and walk away. Don't allow yourself to be involved with silly, meaningless arguments. Simply don't put up with it. Now, do you know what you need to do about this little trip of hers? You are a couple, and she's not going on vacation with another man. Period. This trip is cancelled. You need to be willing to walk away, or you'll be stuck in this hellish relationship until the day she decides to walk away because you can't pass her tests.

I just noticed:

After our last squabble she told me...

This does make it sound like she is using the vacation to get at you, unfortunately.

What do you want to do - give her an ultimatum, vacation or me?

No, no ultimatums! Never ever in any relationship, if she doesn't do it out of her free will, then bro let her go! If she tests you...then so be it. Be supportive, be her man, don't keep her ransom, she will flee then. She's also been around the block, don't play mindgames, don't be a fool about this. Be calm, and if need be put you first, not your emotions. Again, best of luck!

I have a feeling he paid for it...

Or @ least a good chunk of it.

I hate that you're right.

I also dislike that I'll never truly know what happens on their little get away and fear that it will crush us in the end.

I know that I would never be allowed to do anything of the sort. I would understand why.

17hrs of him convincing her of how bad a person I am followed by 3 days of fun and 17 hrs back confirming I'm not the one for her just doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy but I guess that's where I'm at.

Thanks my friend.

You guys fight everyday but your planning to marry? I think I'd focus on the red flag that is that first.

No, no ultimatums

I would agree with you normally. But in this case...maybe it's the only way for the OP to get his gf to understand how serious an issue this is to him.

I have a feeling he paid for it...

Or @ least a good chunk of it.

Yeah you're probably right. Although she says no. She also said she would prove with receipts that she had a separate cabin or room. I never asked her for it, she just offered. Her trip is in a few days.

If I were in your shoes, the relationship would be over. It doesn't matter if he is "fat." That does not make him gay, impotent or without a pulse. And some women are attracted to big guys. If he was a hot stud of a guy would it make the decision easier? Who cares if she is not attracted to him. If he was just a friend then all of you would go on the trip together. If anything was worthy of an ultimatum, this is it. I would honestly tell her that its not cool for her to spend the weekend with another man - and that when she comes back, consider your relationship over.

I can’t believe she would even consider going with him regardless of how he looks he's a single man and she's in a committed relationship leaving her SO behind. I agree that there should be no ultimatums in relationships but in this case she needs a kick in the butt to maybe realize what she's doing is really wrong. If she goes this will cause a lot of issues for the both of you in the future since you weren't there you'll truly never know what might have happened.

Talk about crossing boundaries...

In my opinion

Usually people who stretch, bend, twist and test the fate of the boundary line are usually the ones who wind up cheating and/or end up not making very good partners in the long run. Their capacity for freedom and exploration is what typically tanks the relationship. There should be no question that this vacationing with the guy is way over the line. Not to mention that it makes you uncomfortable and you have a right to be uncomfortable with it. Why she is going on vacation with him and not you? Were you invited to go along and if not, why? Who is this guy? Is he really a friend or is she friends with him and he really likes her but she's just naive to that fact? I find the last to be quite common in these situations; the woman may be naive to the fact that the guy has ulterior motives beyond the friendship.

So my personal opinion (right, wrong or indifferent) is that regardless of what the situation may be with this male friend of hers, it's inappropriate and she shouldn't be going with him. Not solely based on the fact that you're comfortable but let's take a look at a few things. Did she even consult with you prior to making vacation plans? You know, to see how you might feel about this? Did she ask you if you wanted to go? Do you know about this guy? Have you met him before? So your supposed to just trust that everything she's saying is true when or if she answered "no" to all of the above? It just seems to me that when a person really loves you and cares about how you feel in the relationship they don't test the strength of the commitment by doing things like this. That is a very tight and long rope to walk accross; vacationing with another man when you're not single. That's really taking a high stakes, high risk into the dangerzone.

I was in a similiar situation where a girlfriend I once dated did this to me, I politely asked her not to go and she fought fussed with me about it and politely asked again. She went. We didn't break up right away, but eventually we did. As I learned later on she just had too many "issues" for us to be the exclusive item I was looking forward to becoming. So before things got too serious, I broke it off.

You just got out of one bad marriage and now you're thinking about remarrying? Her? Slow down, you're only 28 years old and that would make you married twice before 30. Seven months into the relationship is not that long, you don't need to rush. Especially not with a woman who doesn't understand that there are certain things once you get into a relationship that are just not very appropriate. Things have to change a little bit when you get involved, you're not single anymore. There is someone else in your life that you to now consider and think about besides yourself. She unfortunately does not seem to be the type willing to do that for you so I'm not sure this is going to go very far.

Yeah you're probably right. Although she says no. She also said she would prove with receipts that she had a separate cabin or room. I never asked her for it, she just offered. Her trip is in a few days.

The sad thing is that she has to prove it. Its not just about whether they have sex or not - this is about respect and appropriate behavior. A single woman and a single man - both straight and not related - do not go on a vacation alone together when either are in a relationship with someone else. This is completely disrespectful to you. Its not like this trip was planned for a year. I am sure it just came up and it was not intended as a group trip with him, a couple of other friends, etc.

I'm also concerned about the "I'm good looking, he's obese" comment. That tells me you have some shallow tendancies which could be playing into her thought process. Looks don't really matter if someone is drawn to someone else.

You can be the greatest looking human being in the world, but if you're a jerk, you will be alone. Just like you could be the most hideous looking human being in the world, and have more friends and love than you know what to do with.

I'm also concerned about the "I'm good looking, he's obese" comment. That tells me you have some shallow tendancies which could be playing into her thought process. Looks don't really matter if someone is drawn to someone else.

You can be the greatest looking human being in the world, but if you're a jerk, you will be alone. Just like you could be the most hideous looking human being in the world, and have more friends and love than you know what to do with.

Hmmm, I never said that I'm good looking. I was however stating her comment to me, indicating that he would never be looked at in a "get together" kind of way with her because of his size.

Not sure where you got that from. Sorry if I gave that impression.

I dunno if you stated it but was vacation planned before or after you guys started dating?

She has absolutely no appropriate boundaries. Walk away.

That's a lot of boundaries being violated. How would she liked it if you went on vacation to Bali with some chick?

If something like that happened to me, I would dump the person and cut off all contact.

Hmmm, I never said that I'm good looking. I was however stating her comment to me, indicating that he would never be looked at in a "get together" kind of way with her because of his size.

Not sure where you got that from. Sorry if I gave that impression.

He very rarely reads the posts before commenting. Dont worry about it.

This is painfully disrespectful. Shouldn't even be a conversation you should have to have. I would walk away. Sorry...