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Thread: Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed

  1. #61
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    For me when someone has a clear idea of what my boundary is and then ignores it.....I make it pretty clear it wasnt okay, and will NOT be okay in the future.

    Its one of those make it clear its unacceptable and not to happen again.

    There will be future instances where we do different things than one another on a Friday night....
    It should be pretty clear now that if there are no set plans, and its 3am...showing up is not going to go well.

  2. #62
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    I dont think that its okay for someone to do something that Im uncomfortable with and just let them get away with it.
    That is how you get walked all over

    There are boundaries for a reason.
    If he had some boundary that I crossed, I would anticpate the same flame from him about it.

    Its not about valuing boundaries over an SO, but an SO realizing and respecting those boundaries.

    If he bolts after this, then he has little back bone and is insecure.

  3. #63
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    Originally Posted by HDC80
    I dont think that its okay for someone to do something that Im uncomfortable with and just let them get away with it.
    Let him "get away with it"? This is the language you use to describe this situation?

    Look, your boyfriend wanted to stay with you one night instead of going home. He was caught off guard by your reaction, and now apparently your only concern in this situation is driving home the point that he was rude, disrespectful, and that he shouldn't "get away with" ignoring your wishes.

    You two are most definitely not existing in the same relationship. If he bolts after this, I think it's more because he's realizing this rather than because he's insecure.

  4. #64
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    How else do you let someone know to not do something again?

    If I didnt react that way he would have thought it was an acceptable thing to do...which it isnt.

    Thats great that he wanted to stay with me....but he was thinking about HIMSELF.....he didnt consider that it would wake me up....that Id been asleep for 2 hours...that it might SCARE me....and that he didnt confirm he was coming over----stepping on another boundary I have set.

    I dont believe that being with someone implies that they can do as they please and as they want....I certainly dont.
    There are times Id like to see him, or join in on what he is doing....but I dont let that overried my respect for him, or his boundaries.

    So why is it okay if he does?

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  6. #65

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    Originally Posted by HDC80
    If he bolts after this, then he has little back bone and is insecure.
    I disagree - I think the opposite in fact. The only guy that would be ok with the level of formality and rules you expect them to follow would be a guy with no mind of his own who really doesn't think they can do any better for themselves.

  7. #66
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    Pl3...
    So I should bend what I find acceptable to accommodate what he find acceptable, and compromise my beliefs on space and respect so I dont hurt his feelings?

    that doesnt sound like being a strong woman in my book.
    It also doesnt sound like Id be respecting myself.

    I respect his boundaries.....why shouldnt he respect mine?
    Mine are simple---dont show up un announced.

    Thats pretty much it.

  8. #67
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    Originally Posted by HDC80
    So why is it okay if he does?
    There are grades and shades of not-okay. He made a mistake. He probably didn't realise how not-okay crossing this particular boundary would be for you. The interesting question is why it is such a sacrosanct boundary (to the point that you actually feel it necessary to explicitly state that your roommate is "allowed" to come and go as they please, when nobody in the world would expect otherwise!!!).

  9. #68

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    Originally Posted by HDC80
    Pl3...
    So I should bend what I find acceptable to accommodate what he find acceptable, and compromise my beliefs on space and respect so I dont hurt his feelings?

    that doesnt sound like being a strong woman in my book.
    It also doesnt sound like Id be respecting myself.

    I respect his boundaries.....why shouldnt he respect mine?
    Mine are simple---dont show up un announced.

    Thats pretty much it.
    Relationships are all about compromise if your priority is making one work/last. You're entitled to your boundaries, just as men are entitled to find you to be an unpleasant partner and break up with you because of those boundaries. I agree it's simple. You decide what's important to you and what you tolerate and do not, just as well all do, but there are always consequences to those choices.

  10. #69
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    The problem is by giving him a set of keys without a set of clearly defined rules you set this up as a bit of problem, because you both assumed certain things. Him, that he could indeed drop by any time since you had given him keys to the place and you, by assuming he'd always let you know when he was coming over. Add into the mix the fact he was likely hoping for some romance that night plus you reminding him of an ex plus you being annoyed that he didn't stop to think about what he was doing before he did it and you get...a misunderstanding that generates a fight.

    These things do happen. The key now is to sit him down and fully communicate and work out whether or not he should have keys. And in the future, don't just assume he'll know not to do that. Sorry, but many times people don't think and you are always safer to communicate what your boundaries are than just to presume someone else will know what they are. Something along the lines of, "I'm giving you these keys now, so you can let yourself out after we've been together. Please don't just show up and let yourself in, in the middle of the night though or you might get yourself laid out with the bat I keep by my bed," would have gone a long way to avoiding the whole fight in the first place.

  11. #70

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    I am not clear why you posted this thread when you have been so adamant from the beginning that you are right and dismiss anything anyone says that doesn't fit in with how you reacted. Did you just want validation of your position?

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