Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed

[LoveSoDeep]

Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this, but even if your boundaries are a little more strict than other people you still need to have them and he needs to repsect them and that's the issue here.

 

The way I see it you weren't actually mad that he came over at 3am uninvited...you were a little freaked out and confused...and his reaction made you mad. I think if you talk it over everything can be put right. Don't let the issue get overblown b/c some people don't understand your point of view. Talk to him about it tell him that if he had at any point said he wanted to come by this could have been avoided and in the future that's what you'd like to see happen. If he's afraid you're pulling away like his ex did point out that you did ask if he wanted to come over and you did want to see him but b/c he didn't respond to your invite you decided to got ot sleep and just weren't expecting him to drop in.

[Doc Blaze]

I understand what your saying but i guess certain people are different...all those things you mention if my gf stopped over out of the blue to randomly visit me..it would probably make my day no lie...

 

but she usually brings food or coffee too..lol

[HDC80]

Cope & Hope...when I gave him the key I explained very clearly the uses of the key.

He understood them so much so that there are times he gets there prior to me and waits for me to arrive before heading in.

 

I dont like surprises in general.

As for my statement about my parents making snarky comments about how clean my house is----trust me when I tell you that when anyone comes over they tell me how clean my house always is and how they're envious that Im able to keep it like that.

My parents have an even HIGHER standard of clean.

 

But I grew up in a house that surprises were NOT allowed.....you always said what time you were leaving and what time you would be home. You always called if that changed for ANY reason...even to delay by 5 minutes.

You never had anyone just show up----not even family----and friends who randomly showed up at the door were told to leave as it was rude, and randomly showing up was not acceptable in that house.

 

I dont like surprises....i dont like people stepping on my space.

I appreciate and value a call prior to just showing up.....and making plans to then arrange my life (errands, phone calls, eating) accordingly

[EssexMan]

So no he is NEVER EVER allowed to come over unless we have prior arrangements....this also goes for friends and my family....not even at 3pm on a Sunday.

 

If it was 3pm on a Sunday and he wanted to pop over...he could call or txt me to see what Im up to.

 

I find it rude to just drop in on someone----how do you know they're free, how do you know they want company? You wouldnt know if they were napping....or out meeting a friend for coffee....or taking a 3 hour shower.....or in the middle of a good book they havent been able to get to-----or making surprise cookies for you for the next time you get together....

Why would you step on someones space that way?

 

I largely agree with you on that, though I think the word "allowed" is a bit strong. I'd prefer people (gfs or friends or family) to at least text before coming over, like you say, but they're not "not allowed" to do it.

[EssexMan]

friends who randomly showed up at the door were told to leave as it was rude, and randomly showing up was not acceptable in that house.

 

It's pretty likely your bf didn't grow up in an environment quite so strict about unexpected visits, so you need to make allowances for that.

[HDC80]

Maybe its just because Ive never had a surprise....

 

My parents never had any surprises....nothing was ever unexpected or out of the blue----everything was planned, and accounted for----they expected the same from me...and that also included situations with several outcomes...that I would plan and be mindful of every scenario to never be caught off guard.

[pl3asehelp]

Sounds overly formal to the point of being unpleasant. If I can't be 5 min late without breaking a rule of yours we would not get along. You might want to consider being a little more flexible if you want others in your life. And just because your parents were/are this way doesn't mean you have to be, you can choose a path that's a little more welcoming to others.

[HDC80]

I respect his boundaries on things------he should be able to respect mine.

These arent life long ones-----just we dont live together, so I dont feel that he should be able to treat my home like its his. He doesnt pay rent...or utilities....he is still a guest. he does not cook dinner while there.....

 

Its really not complicated.....if you want to drop by----call or txt first.....if you hear from me, great...if you dont----no just swinging by

[HDC80]

PL3....that 5 minute rule is my parents.....not mine.

 

If I have plans and someone is running late----I really dont care or need to know. If it drags on into 15 minutes usually Ill give a call or txt to see what is up. But otherwise I say okay Ill see you when you get here....

doesnt do anything bad to my world.

 

But I do value and respect personal space and value plans being in place over randomly stopping by.

 

Its interesting to read that it would make someones day if their GF randomly showed up----meanwhile.....the thought of that makes me cringe....not at the person, but it would have me totally re-adjust my entire plan for the time I thought I had to hang out alone or do stuff on my own agenda....with no company.

[shessofly]

well i'm sure this is a visit he won't forget and he will know not to do it again lol. just out of curiosity (i'm not trying to attack you) are you a rigid/inflexible person in general? are all of your relationships ran this way?

[DN]

This thread is fairly representative of others that you have made about this guy - and in one of them he said that he feels he loves you more than you love him and you seem bent on proving him right. I just don't think you are ready to be in a committed relationship, certainly not close to being ready to live with him or to marry him. I suspect he is rapidly coming to the same conclusion.

[Doc Blaze]

PL3....that 5 minute rule is my parents.....not mine.

 

If I have plans and someone is running late----I really dont care or need to know. If it drags on into 15 minutes usually Ill give a call or txt to see what is up. But otherwise I say okay Ill see you when you get here....

doesnt do anything bad to my world.

 

But I do value and respect personal space and value plans being in place over randomly stopping by.

 

Its interesting to read that it would make someones day if their GF randomly showed up----meanwhile.....the thought of that makes me cringe....not at the person, but it would have me totally re-adjust my entire plan for the time I thought I had to hang out alone or do stuff on my own agenda....with no company.

 

Have you ever done anything spontaneous in your life...serious question?

[camus154]

This thread is fairly representative of others that you have made about this guy - and in one of them he said that he feels he loves you more than you love him and you seem bent on proving him right. I just don't think you are ready to be in a committed relationship, certainly not close to being ready to live with him or to marry him. I suspect he is rapidly coming to the same conclusion.

 

I have to agree. I can appreciate having your own boundaries, but it's telling to me that you seem more invested in reinforcing your own viewpoint here rather than gaining an appreciation for his own, especially when the majority of folks here tend to view it his way.

[HDC80]

Shess....

not inflexible at all.....Im actually VERY easy going.

 

If a friend calls and wants to go to dinner....say now (4pm EST) and meet for 7.....great! I have no issues with where we go, or what time we meet....or if it changes 5 times. If they're running late due to traffic and cant show till 730, no worries I can grab a drink at the bar.

I generally dont have a preference on where we go...though I might have one about price sometimes.

When Im out with friends, if they want to switch where we are....or invite more people-----Im all for it.

 

When I throw a party, or look to make plans to go out, its always the more the merrier.

 

If I have a start time of 10.....and people show at 11.....cool.

The only time that bugs me is if Im driving with those people----and there might be a line or something....

 

Im VERY go with the flow like that.

 

I have to shift my day all over the place to accommodate for my job and demands, so I have to be flexible on a minute to minute basis at times.

 

I just dont like someone showing up at my doorstep un-announced.

[Cope and Hope]

I respect his boundaries on things------he should be able to respect mine.

These arent life long ones-----just we dont live together, so I dont feel that he should be able to treat my home like its his. He doesnt pay rent...or utilities....he is still a guest. he does not cook dinner while there.....

 

Its really not complicated.....if you want to drop by----call or txt first.....if you hear from me, great...if you dont----no just swinging by

 

Again, I'm going to say you're making a much bigger deal out of this than it should be. Stopping by for a surprise visit is hardly treating your home like it is his. I'd hardly call stopping by unannounced ONE time in a years span disrespecting your space; it's not like it's a habit or a recurring problem.

 

And like someone mentioned, not showing ANY flexibility is definitely a way to push people out of your life. I'm a very methodic and well planned person myself but you have to understand that the world doesn't always work around how you planned and part of being a mature adult is being okay with that.

 

Also, you say that you're used to working around things with multiple outcomes but what I'm seeing is that you're not able to see things from a different angle. This whole time you've been complaining about how he's disturbed you and how he intruded on your space but how do you think it feels for him to have stopped by with something like "I want to see my girlfriend" in mind and then pretty much be told "You're not welcome here". It's probably pretty gut wrenching I'd imagine.

[HDC80]

Doc-----

I have just picked up and gone to a party that I got word of hours after I was already out doing something else.

 

I randomly got asked to go to the Bahamas for a long weekend and booked my flight 5 days prior to departure.

 

My friends tell me Im random and spontaneous and go with the flow----they ask how I do it.

[DN]

I just dont like someone showing up at my doorstep un-announced.

This is representative of the attitude towards him that I am talking about. He should not be viewed as just 'someone'.

[HDC80]

Cope----

Ive thought about his position.....and curious how I would have felt in his shoes---and then realized, I would never put myself in that position. I would never just go over to my BF's house out of desire to see him and surprise him.....unless we had plans I wouldnt just drop by.

 

So I would never get that reaction from him, as I would never put myself or him in that situation to begin with.

 

Plus it was 3am....logical thinking skills do come into play here....desire to see GF and surprise her...she doesnt like surprises or people coming by without plans first...I didnt confirm, and its 3am and she has been asleep for 2 hours...does this seem like a good idea.

All points go to NO does NOT seem like a good idea.

[HDC80]

I use the term someone as it applies to ANYONE ......

Family, friend, BF

 

The ONLY person who has the okay to do this----is my roommate.

She lives there she can come and go as she pleases with no questions or heads up required.

[shessofly]

would you say you act the same way with your friends as you do your boyfriend? would your boyfriend call you random, spontaneous or flexible? i ask because you can act one way with your friends and entirely different way with your SO. i know people who are very nice to their friends/other people but plain 'ol mean/grumpy with their boyfriends.

[HDC80]

He would say the same thing about me.

 

My friends know my boundary about just showing up at my house unannounced.....they know to call or txt and get a response from me prior.

 

I dont treat him any differently than I do my friends.

 

If he said he wanted to go to a mexican place for dinner, then says he would prefer to stay home and grab take out (or cook in)----cool.

If we plan to cook in/do take out and he then wants to go out----great lets go.

 

He wants to head to a bar half way through watching the game....great...we're out and he wants to head home....awesome.

We have plans to go out on our own for some drinks...and his buddy calls and wants us or even just him to meet up (even if we're driving to our destination already)----cool beans Im all for it.....has happened on several occasions.

 

 

Supposed to head to his place and he would prefer to stay at mine----fantastic come on over.

 

Oh....another illustration of being flexible....when out with friends and someone shouldnt drive----couch is all yours! In the morning Ill likely ask if they want breakfast, or if Im heading out to grab a coffee tell them to keep sleeping but do they want me to bring anything back?

[HeatherB]

It seems like almost everyone is piling on the OP. So now she's not just discussing her original problem, she's also defending her particular way of doing things against everyone here. I'm not comfortable with that.

 

Could we just accept that it's perfectly okay for her to decide who can and can't go into her place and when? The issue at hand is a misunderstanding with her boyfriend over the rules and boundaries she has set. She's trying to defend her position to her boyfriend, yet is mad that she feels she has to.

[HDC80]

He was supposed to be the DD for the night and had a bit too much.....I immediately stop drinking and become the one who will drive.....

 

We have plans for dinner, and his family needs him for something---no worries, do what you need to do.....give me a call later if you want to meet up (sometimes works that he'll be over...others that he will head home)

 

Its actually VERY simple to deal with me.......

just dont show up at my house if you havent called or txted me first and gotten a response!

[pl3asehelp]

It seems like almost everyone is piling on the OP. So now she's not just discussing her original problem, she's also defending her particular way of doing things against everyone here. I'm not comfortable with that.

 

Could we just accept that it's perfectly okay for her to decide who can and can't go into her place and when? The issue at hand is a misunderstanding with her boyfriend over the rules and boundaries she has set. She's trying to defend her position to her boyfriend, yet is mad that she feels she has to.

 

It's being pointed out to her that probably nobody on earth is going to be ok with her rules and if she doesn't adjust, she's going to be alone. Sure, you could explain the rules to the bf again, but that is in no way going to ensure he's going to want to follow them. OP is going to be left alone with her rules.

[HDC80]

Bottom line....Im not ridgid.....Im flexible as needed....and easy going.

 

I just dont like someone just showing up with no prior notice.

 

Think of it like this----if you give a friend you're key (say for emergencies)----would you expect to find them just hanging out in your living room unannounced or at 3am to crash on your couch?