Married Man Infatuated with Female Co-Worker! She might be with me too!

I’m really sorry at the length of this but I’ve got to get everything off my chest and I would like some genuine, honest opinions.

I’ve found stories around the internet similar to my particular problem but no 100% match. I know I need to go talk to a psychologist or counselor or something, but before I take that step, I thought I’d try to solicit some opinions and see what kind of responses I get.

First, a little background on me, I am a very happily married 41 year old man with two children (7 and 5 as of this post). My wife and I have been together a total of 17 years, 11 of those as husband and wife. We’ve had our ups and downs like any couple but we dearly love one another and compliment each other so well. She is intelligent, beautiful, funny and an incredible mother. Who could want anything more right?

However, a factor that I feel is very important to point out is that she is also my first “everything”. Date, kiss, sex, etc. I don’t consider myself a bad looking guy, but I was terribly introverted and shy well into my early 20’s, and girls seemed like they were from another planet to me. She and I met when we were 23, so Imagine my joy when someone like my wife (who I will refer to from here on as “L”) became interested in ME!

L on the other hand, while not having an extensive history by today’s standards, had dated and had other sexual partners before she met me, which has NEVER, ever been an issue for me. She didn’t know me so why should I be jealous? It’s unrealistic to think we’d BOTH be virgins in this day and age.

Like any guy, my eye has wandered and I’ve had my fantasies, but never genuinely entertained the prospect of straying from my wife.

Until now…

After a very long and tiring search, I finally found a new job and began working there three months ago..

I work with a woman who I will call “J”. She’s 27, very friendly, extremely beautiful, vibrant, funny, tremendously intelligent, and more than a little flirtatious. She’s mentioned having a boyfriend only one or two times, but never talks about him at all.

I’ve had other female co-workers who have had similar qualities and even shared playful but harmless and totally platonic flirtations with some of them, but nothing beyond friendship ever entered my mind.

I don’t know why J is so different though. I’m finding it more difficult all the time to get her out of my mind. I think she’s utterly fascinating and very exciting and it’s very troubling to me. To compound issues, I can’t tell if she’s flirting with me because she’s (subconsciously nor not) interested in me or if she’s just one of those really friendly girls who just behaves this way with all guys. I don’t believe at all that she’s a flirt or a tease who likes to wind guys up on purpose, but she is very “open” which is the best way I can think to describe her.

Almost immediately since I started, she and I hit it off right away and became really good “work buddies”. We have to work on projects on a daily basis and we are a great team. With her help I have produced some great material.

But also we have SO much in common both in our interests and just attitude about life in general. We talk so easily, we’re extremely comfortable with each other and make each other laugh. In fact, in many respects, J and I have a great deal more in common that L and I do.

I adore L so much, but she does not share several of my interests that mean a great deal to me. But I don’t share many of hers either, so our conversations on those topics are usually very one-sided. J and I however have an exhilarating back-and-forth about many of the things I love, she shows a genuine interest when I share my enthusiasm as I do with her.

While L has a great sense of humor, often it is very dry, and doesn’t have the energetic, free-spirit that I feel J has. J has a background and interest in theater as I do, granted, not as extensive as hers. But she is funny, she sings, she does funny voices. I love all of that. L is more reserved about herself.

Some of the things J does give me pause though.

For instance, we work in a very small office, there are actually 5 of us in total on our team. She works out in a cubicle in the “main” area. I work in a small room toward the back of the office, which has two work stations. Now I know she has genuine work to do, and he does actually work, but she often “has” to do it on the second computer in my little room, sitting right next to me. Apparently there is software on that computer that isn’t on the one in her cubicle. I really want to check her computer sometime to confirm this. If it’s on her machine, that’s going to be a big red flag for me.

It’s great to have the company as it does get kind of “lonely” in there for 6-8 hours a day. But her language, her body movements and gestures have me totally confused.

Often she has her hair pulled back, but as she’s sitting next to me she’ll let it down and keep playing with it or “swooshing” it back with both hands etc. She sometimes sits in her chair and leans back doing these long stretches, with her arms extended above her head and I’m trying like hell not to look over for fear of her thinking that I’m….well….looking over at her.

When J helps me on a project, she often pats me on the back or shoulder, offering me “high fives” and placing her hand on my forearm.

When we do have face-to-face conversations, her eye contact with me is intense. I mean she locks eyes with me. I have to make a conscious effort to look around at other things to keep her from thinking that I’m lingering into her eyes too long.

She’s incorporated things into her work that are of specific interest to me because I “inspired” her (our work is creative in nature) and she simply says she thought I would appreciate it. Haven’t seen her doing that because of anyone else on our team.

OH and the way J dresses! L dresses nice but usually it’s jeans, knit tops, some floral blouses, a skirt occasionally. Very pretty but not overtly sexy or feminine.

J on the other hand has an incredible fashion sense. She manages to be tasteful and professional, yet very, very feminine and sexy and even a bit flamboyant at times.

On more than one occasion J has commented on how “glad she is that I’m working here” or “so happy I’m here”. Which of course makes me feel grand, but is it because I’m someone who finally came along that she “clicks” with? Or is there something else going on?

Again, to be fair, The other men in our office are MUCH older than either of us and are very nice but very business-y. Whereas she and I can goof around together, joke, share our interests. So maybe I add a bit of fun to what was an otherwise dry work day for her. I know it’s exciting when a kindred spirit comes along.

But each day it seems J says or does something that makes me stop and wonder what her real feelings or intentions are. I have never really had a woman “hitting on me” per-se, so am I unable to distinguish the difference between harmless flirting and socializing and actual advances? I know girls have become more flirty and open since I first met L. I know it sounds horrible, but I can’t help wondering, how things might be different if I wasn’t married.

And the problem remains, that I DO find her incredibly exciting. I find myself thinking about her constantly, much the way I used to after I first met L (Incidentally, L and I were co-workers as well).

I won’t go so far as to say that I’m falling in love with J, but I am most definitely infatuated with her.

I adore L so much and I’m terrified about the risk of ruining our life together, but if I get confirmation that J is interested in me, then what do I do? I can say with all honesty, that I may be so overcome with the attention, that I may not be able to resist doing something stupid.

The devil on my shoulder keeps telling me “Maybe if you went into it with J with your eyes wide open and had a little harmless fling for a while, where would the harm be as long as you were careful?”

The angel on my other shoulder keeps reminding me of the many wonderful years that L and I have had together, our two beautiful children and the long term effects of what having a “harmless, temporary fling” would have, assuming L ever found out about it.

For the sake of argument, let’s assume J and I do manage to confirm some attraction to each other (well, I know I’m definitely attracted to her) and agree to have some “fun” together. Even assuming L never found out, no matter what happened with J, I DO know unequivocally that I would NEVER leave L for her, so any “relationship” could only ever be temporary, which would result in hurt for one or both of us.

I know logically the risks far outweigh any gains I would stand to make, and the consequences could be catastrophic, but the male ego and the human heart are not often rational things.

If I received some kind of solid, confirmation that J has NO interest in me beyond friendship, I could deal with that and be able to get on with my life and work. I would still admire her but know that she would only ever be a harmless, personal “what if” fantasy.

But the uncertainty, the ambiguous signs are keeping me anxious and perplexed. If there were some way I could discuss it with J without it getting “awkward” if it turned out she WASN’T attracted to me, I’d jump at it in a heartbeat. But more likely I’d have to go looking for another job, and this really is the best job I’ve had in years, so that’s something else great I stand to lose.

Please tell me this is all in my head and I’m just seeing things that aren’t there.

If you’ve actually taken the time to read through this whole thing, I thank you for bearing with me and would appreciate some thoughts.

S.

If this 27-year-old woman is in her right mind, she wouldn't want to have a serious relationship with a 41-year-old man who not only is married, but also has 2 children. As a young woman, that is 'baggage' to me. However, if she is not in her right mind, she will probably not deny a relationship with you. Take note, your life will turn out pretty awful once your wife finds out you had an affair with this woman. How would you feel once your children grew a little older and wiser and knew that the main reason for your divorce was because you cheated on their mother? That can create a lot of resentment.

The question that you have to ask yourself is, how good would you feel about yourself if you would have a sexual fling with this woman? Would you be able to live a lie afterwards?

Why don't you try to spice things up with your wife instead?

Tell your wife and see what she thinks. After 14 years she should have a say in the potential downfall of your marriage.

Oh man, time to think this through fully!

First off, while you're busily trying to figure out if this girl is interested, you're forgetting how truly horrendous it will be if you play this out.

First, your wife finds out (they always do). Then she files for divorce, boots you out and you're living in a tiny ratty apt. somewhere because all your money is going to child support, alimony and the cost of a divorce. Then the wife cleans you out in the divorce. And she tells everyone you know including your parents, her parents, all your friends, what a cheating and lying jerk you are. And she tells your children that Daddy doesn't come home at night anymore because Daddy wanted to chase a young girl whom he obviously cares about more than them. And your children's hearts are broken, they are angry, hurt and never trust you again. Your time with them is limited to every other weekend and one night a week. Your standard of living goes down the drain because your money is going to support your former family.

Everyone at work finds out and hates you. If you don't get fired for fooling around at work, they not longer respect you and you may miss out on promotions and maybe get fired at the first opportunity because everyone else finds these office affairs with married men disgusting.

Your GF hangs in there for a bit, but gets impatient becuase all your money is going to the ex, and your kids 'ruin' every other weekend and don't like her. She eventually gets bored and cheats on you with the next guy she meets and walks out without a backward look one day leaving you in that ratty apt. amidst of the ashes of your former life.

So put your peeny back in your pants and in your wife before you ruin your life. It sounds like you love and respect your wife, but have been distracted with a nice little fantasy about a girl you find hot. She 'makes funny voices'... really?? I mean, REALLY??? that's a reason to toss over your wife and kids?? come on, this is a just nasty little mid life crisis you got brewing that could well wreck your life. If you need excitement, get a sports car or motorcycle or take up sky diving, and get a Kama Sutra book and start trying out all the new positions on your wife.

If you want to find the quickest ride to hell on earth, you're about to take it. My ex-husband decided to dip his pen in the company ink on a whim, and of course i found out. In fact,one of his male co-workers he worked dropped big hints to tip me off! This co-worker called me at home one day looking for my ex who had told me he was at a 'company function' and the guy informed me he'd left that 'function' hours ago with some girl he worked with. And guess what, this co-worker was his BOSS who never called me or my ex at home, but found a subtle way to tip me off because was a decent man who didn't believe in philandering and liked me and felt i needed to know (and because he was sick of the embarassing spectacle of the two of them flirting and acting like fools at work).

I dumped my ex-husband's stupid behind and never looked back. 15 years later, he's now on divorce #2 (from the chippy he took up with while with me who turned out to be not as nearly fun or devoted to him as he thought), and he's now living in his brother's basement wishing he'd never been such a fool and lost me and ruined his life!

So please, please, please, for your own sake get a grip. Strange poon is interesting until it isn't so strange anymore, then you are left in the midst of the ashes of your life wondering what on earth you were thinking to ruin your life, your wife's life, and your kid's lives over some girl who flips her hair and does funny voices! Save yourself, NOW. Stop talking to this flirt about anything but work, and start spicing up your life with your wife before you ruin it.

I agree. Print this out and share with your wife. See what she says.

Tell your wife and see what she thinks. After 14 years she should have a say in the potential downfall of your marriage.

Agreed.

Or, you know, you could always take the cheap and easy route, and try to have your cake and eat it too. I mean, what could it hurt, right? It's just a harmless fling. Screw that woman you've been with for so long, and screw your children, too. Your petty feelings of infatuation and ego-stroking are surely worth more than that.

Well, man, I can tell you right now that you're not going to get many supportive reactions here. You say you're "happily married", yet you're willingly discussing fantasies of cheating saying "would harm could it cause?" I'll tell you what... the fling with you will mean nothing to "J", and you'll lose your wife and destroy the lives of your two kids. That's what harm it could cause.

You're also not even close to being in love with J for it to be anywhere near worth it. You're attracted to her. You want to bang her. You don't have enough experience with other women to understand that she's just a vivacious, flirty woman, who may enjoy knowing she's turning men on, but she's not in love with you, and never will be. And if you make a move on her it could result in an extremely uncomfortable situation in the very small office you're in. I would suggest you very strongly consider finding a way to help her stop having to work right next to you -- in a friendly way -- and while you can continue to be civil, no more.

Just... man up and stop it. Jerk off to her if you have to but get it out of your system and feel confident and strong about how great a husband you are in resisting it. Two biggest things to remember here:

1. YOU'RE MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN

2. SHE'S GOT A F"$&ING BOYFRIEND

I know logically the risks far outweigh any gains I would stand to make, and the consequences could be catastrophic, but the male ego and the human heart are not often rational things.

You're thinking with your * * * * man, not with your heart...

If you love your wife the way you say you do, you won't even consider this.

Well, man, I can tell you right now that you're not going to get many supportive reactions here.

Nor was I expecting or looking for any. Believe me, I KNOW full well the consequences that pursuing a fling could have, assuming IF J felt the same way and IF L never found out about it.

I think I was kind of hoping for some of the responses that I've already received here. I'm a pretty logical guy and I know what a bad, bad BAD idea it would be.

But ChrisMac, you are right, I've always prided myself on being a good husband and I don't want to ruin that either. "Man up" and resist. I've gotten something out of most of the posts here but yours probably resonated the most.

Oh and about the "funny voices" thing, I know that sounds stupid but I oversimplified it some, but J does have a kind of silliness that I DO really love in certain women and, honestly, L doesn't really.

I know i've gone on about what I like about J and not as much about what I DO like about L. But I want it completely understood, I am completely, and totally in love with my wife. I know I am merely infatuated with J. L and I might not share all of the same interests but you don't see an emotional compatibility like L and I have every day in couples. I feel very blessed to have her love and support and I'd be lost without her. She completes me in ways no other woman could.

But as I said, when a guy, especially one like myself who hasn't had much experience with women feels he is getting attention like this, it's difficult NOT to consider the possibilities and feel more than a little flattered.

It might have been better if I hadn't gotten it so right with L on my first try. Perhaps if I had dated more, had a few more random flings before I got married, I wouldn't be on this board now. The "what if's" can be excruciating sometimes.

You're thinking with your * * * * man, not with your heart...

 

If you love your wife the way you say you do, you won't even consider this.

Well by "male ego" I also know full well I'm saying ****

I think lavenderdove has the best advice. Put your willy away and start to improve your relationship with your wife. Start to partake in new hobbies or interests together. I suggest you try to switch jobs or come right out to J and say "listen, I'm getting flirty vibes from you. It's not what I want. I am married. Please leave me alone and do not talk to me about personal things. Let's keep it WORK-RELATED only."

The "what if's" can be excruciating sometimes.

The what if's will be excrutiating if you go through with it. Fortunately unlike a lot of people you went looking for advice before you made the mistake, not after. Now you can prevent all the horrible fallout that most people usually come here trying to clean up before any of it happens.

Just tell yourself she's just a piece of ass. You're fortunate enough to be married to someone you adore 17 years later and have two incredible kids. You're better than all this. Man up and walk in the other direction.

Archimedes- Affairs are very tricky and complex things, and you do not have what it takes inside to pull one off and not have your life destroyed. You fanaticise over this woman because she is new and exciting and you've never been with anyone else so experience in being successful at picking her up is not with you. Yes she is flirtatious because you are a kind and trusting man. You are misinterpreting her flirts for something more than they are. It is true you may be able to get with her, but you have to act boldly and tell her straight out what you want, no mixing words. Ie “You are sexy, hot, and I want you!” You can't * * * * * -foot around it. Chances are though that as you have no experience with booty calls or picking up in your past you will mess it up completely and make it extremely awkward between the two of you. You also have to realize that if you are miraculously bold and say all the right things at the right time, the affair will end sometime. And it will end with broken hearts (Affairs don't last forever, there are no happy endings with her). You will loose her as a friend, make the office unbearable for everyone, and you will loose your marriage and family. Everything that you've told us tells me that you are getting in way over your head in this, and no matter how you look at the results; it will end badly for you. Take Chris Macs advice and crank off to her, but do not pursue this woman!

OP, read this again and again and again. You are thinking in the short-term here. Your wife WILL find out and you and your children will suffer long-term consequences. Remember your vows and look at your kids tonight and then think about how you could even ENTERTAIN the idea of stepping out on your family.

I think you should print out LD's post and put in your pocket. Pull it out and read it from time to time. In the car, on the toilet, whatever. Read it until it gets drilled into your head.

You sound like many cheating husbands, before they cheat. You definitely will regret it. Amazing what some men will give for a chance to dip into a young vagina. Losing your marriage, custody of your kids, losing HALF (at least) of your income to child support/alimony, living in a crappy apartment, having a poor quality of life, having your reputation ruined....? Is it all really worth it? Is her vag really worth all that trouble?

Yeah between lavenderdove and ChrisMac, I got a pretty sharp kick in the head for sure!

And I'm definitely going to seek out a counselor or a professional of some kind that I can have a face-to-face chat about this!

But as I said, when a guy, especially one like myself who hasn't had much experience with women feels he is getting attention like this, it's difficult NOT to consider the possibilities and feel more than a little flattered.

Assuming you've bailed on the potentially catastrophic cheating idea, why not try some new things in the bedroom with your wife? It's true that variety keeps things fresh and exciting, but that does not mean seeking out various women. Try new outfits, new positions, new toys, new scenarios, new locations, new kinks ... Anything your wife is up for.

Your "male ego" may be screaming at you right now, but that's what your big, nicely evolved forebrain is there for. You have the capacity to make an intelligent decision here. Don't take that for granted.

Simple solution!

Next time you see J... "Damn you are looking ugly today..", She get's all noisy and exciting..."Why are you so loud?". Turn her off, shut her down HARD, and your problems are solved. She won't be attracted to you at all.

It's good that you're aware of what the right and wrong choices are. Here's something else to motivate you: the "what-ifs" will not go away if you choose to go through with seeing the other woman. They will just get worse, changing from "What if I'm missing out on something exciting?" to "What if L finds out?" The burning curiosity will only be replaced with paralyzing fear.

I know logically the risks far outweigh any gains I would stand to make, and the consequences could be catastrophic, but the male ego and the human heart are not often rational things.

You have an immature boy's ego, not a man's.

Yeah between lavenderdove and ChrisMac, I got a pretty sharp kick in the head for sure!

 

And I'm definitely going to seek out a counselor or a professional of some kind that I can have a face-to-face chat about this!

You are moaning about how you never got your chance to get your groove on before you got married and had kids. Fair enough but that time is now GONE. To try and make up for a lost opportunity now will only end in heartbreak and humilation. You need to shut down this other woman. Firmly and with cool. Enough of her having to use the computer in your office. Reset the boundaries and focus on your wife!

^ Agreed. OP, if you wanted to do that, you should have done it before you married/had kids, or had not settled down at all. THIS IS ALL ON YOU. Don't be blaming it on your "virgin" status prior to marrying, like you didn't have a clue in the world. You had a taste of sex, and you had the choice to either settle down with the woman or go out and get more. You chose to settle down. That was your choice and you have to deal with it. You can't have it both ways. If you want to chase after young girls and futilely try to live out that "youth", then be kind and break up with your wife. If not, then man up and accept the consequences of your choices.

I think you should print out LD's post and put in your pocket. Pull it out and read it from time to time. In the car, on the toilet, whatever. Read it until it gets drilled into your head.

 

You sound like many cheating husbands, before they cheat. You definitely will regret it. Amazing what some men will give for a chance to dip into a young vagina. Losing your marriage, custody of your kids, losing HALF (at least) of your income to child support/alimony, living in a crappy apartment, having a poor quality of life, having your reputation ruined....? Is it all really worth it? Is her vag really worth all that trouble?

Perfectly stated.

Had a few chuckles with this one.

Have you tried doing something spontaneous with your wife?

Let her take a vacation away from you for a week or two, and do NO Contact. You'll find out that you'll miss her a lot and when she gets back, have your fun times together. I've heard of couples doing that- taking time off apart to spice things up. Seeing each other day in and day out can become boring at times.

To the OP----nothing good will result from this fling except a few moments of pleasre