Kids and level of Happiness

Weird question I know. Just looking for some insight on level of happiness of people with kids and without kids. Have you always wanted kids? Were they planned? Have you and your spouse always been on the same page in regards to having kids or number of kids? Do you have friends without kids and do you think they're happy?

Lotta questions. I'm just struggling in my own situation. I've always wanted kids, but I'm 27 and the actual thought of having them really really scares me. My boyfriend of 5 years just decided he didn't want kids ever so we broke up. He is an only child without the healthiest upbringing so I know he is scared as well.

I'm absolutely devastated and I'm just trying to figure out if this decision was premature, valid, or any opinions on the matter really. Appreciate whatever feedback you can give

Thanks!

I've always wanted kids, but I'm 27 and the actual thought of having them really really scares me.

The above part really stood out to me so I can't help wondering what exactly scares you so much? It just seems so odd to want them, but yet it scares you to death? I can't get my head around that, lol. Can you elaborate a bit more please?

I read an article that spoke of this.

Mostly, there are pros and cons. Older parents, having established themselves already and can provide for their kids are more able to and they're mature enough to deal with it, to sit down and talk with their kids to educate, discuss, and whatever. It'd be more stable. However, they would have less energy to. Younger parents would be more happier by then as their kids would go off to college when they're not young anymore and they would have the time and space to do what they can do now. However, younger parents would be more stressed raising a child young.

There are always pros and cons to everything. You need to figure out what scares you and why, why it's a pro and a con for you. Figure it out for your own individual self. Maybe you're like me, I need to "flirt" with an idea to accept it and be comfortable with it. Maybe not.

I pretty much felt from a very young age that I didn't want children. I'm not that old now so a lot of people don't take me seriously, but I am 90% sure I'll never want kids (I leave that 10% because life can be very unexpected although even if I did change my mind I have a phobia of pregnancy which would get in the way). When I start seeing someone I tend to casually bring it up in conversation because I don't want to continue seeing someone when there is a very likely expiration date. It's a waste of both of our time. My boyfriend is neutral, I've interrogated him till I was blue in the face but he still is neutral and insists that whatever happens will be good in different ways. I've made it extremely clear that he must not simply expect me to change my mind as it's a waste of time and it's disrespectful to me.

Honestly though while I am sure I would be happy without children, others would not be. Nobody can answer that for someone else and it's something you really need to discover about yourself. It's normal for many future parents to be scared even when they want the baby, but you have to decide whether fear outweighs the good sides or not for you.

Weird question I know. Just looking for some insight on level of happiness of people with kids and without kids. Have you always wanted kids? Were they planned? Have you and your spouse always been on the same page in regards to having kids or number of kids? Do you have friends without kids and do you think they're happy?

 

Lotta questions. I'm just struggling in my own situation. I've always wanted kids, but I'm 27 and the actual thought of having them really really scares me. My boyfriend of 5 years just decided he didn't want kids ever so we broke up. He is an only child without the healthiest upbringing so I know he is scared as well.

 

I'm absolutely devastated and I'm just trying to figure out if this decision was premature, valid, or any opinions on the matter really. Appreciate whatever feedback you can give

 

Thanks!

I always wanted a child and we planned our child - we were both 40 when we started trying and I had never been pregnant before. We were on the same page as far as how many (we assumed -and it ended up probably correctly - that we'd have one if we were very lucky and blessed- and we were!). Most of my many friends with children are very happy that they had children despite the downsides and stresses etc. Some are happier than others on a daily basis and in general. I am very happy and feel extremely lucky and blessed most of the time- I have my moments of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted but absolutely no regrets -the opposite!

The more experience I have with parenthood the more I believe and realize how individual and personal it is so what I pass along is with that huge grain of salt. I think that unless you are very comfortable -emotionally and financially - having someone else do most or all of the work of raising your child (i.e. a nanny or other caregiver) don't have them unless you are absolutely sure you want to be a parent.

And even if you have that someone I wouldn't dip much below 100% sure because caregivers are not the parent and can come with their own stresses on you and your family (and it is unusual for someone to have a child who wants to be a parent in some manner with the intention of having someone else raise the child so that is a very narrow exception). I don't find the "sacrifices" to be true sacrifices -i.e. the restrictions on my freedom, the intensely difficult physical work and challenges, the anxiety and worry that I work hard to keep to a minimum so as to not miss a joyful moment, the strain on my marriage (again hard work which I do almost daily).

I am not complaining about any of it -they don't feel like sacrifices to me. What helped me a lot in hindsight (because I wanted babies since I was 20 if not earlier) is that I had so many years of a rewarding, challenging career that was a dream of mine from when I was a teenager, that I had many years of a really great social life, and that my good friends are mostly settled in some way -whether married, parents, both or single and invested in an important career/profession so that I don't feel like I'm missing out. Also I have the comfort of knowing that when I'm ready to get a sitter I can go out somewhat more and that when my child starts school in a few years I have the option of returning to work and resuming some of the social life (I don't want/need the type of social life I had but the memories of those over 25 years of it are great!). That may not have been true for me had I started having children in my 20s (which I almost did- I was engaged at 23, planning to start trying at 24).

I have one friend who was ambivalent about starting a family but his wife was older and feeling the ticking -so they did and he ended up thrilled. I personally wouldn't take that chance especially as a woman and especially if I was going to be a full-time mother.

Hope this helped.

And yes I would have ended things with a guy who didn't want kids ever - I did that but never after we were involved -they always shared that with me by the first or second date if not earlier. I was lucky that way. I know you're scared but closing off options to ever have kids at your age doesn't make sense.

Thanks for your responses! I guess I'm just scared because it is a completely different life. I've never questioned the fact of wanting them until now that it is turning my life upsidedown. I know this is a crucial when you start dating someone at an older age, no point if you don't want the same thing. My (ex) boyfriend has never been super thrilled at the idea, but we have discussed them many times and he never said he didn't want them before. He was just unsure and since we started dating at 22 I figured it was no big deal, he's young and has plenty of time to figure it out. Age 27 is more difficult though. I would have rather waited longer being with him....but he is worried he is going to ruin my life being with him if he can't give me what I've always wanted and decided he couldn't string me along any longer.

I think when you finally do have children and you're able to hold them and cuddle them, you'll realise you made the right decision.

For people who really desire to have children, yes children do tend to make them very happy. It's mostly within your control whether you enjoy your children or not. Some parents make it out to be this enormous burden where they have to bend over backwards to raise little football stars and einsteins. They spend so much energy micromanaging their children and trying to keep up with everyone else's extreme parenting, that they're stressed out and angry. But you don't have to be that kind of parent. I try to just enjoy my child every day. We laugh together, play together... She mostly does what she likes, as long as she's not getting in trouble - playing with friends and neighbors and doing her own thing. Having her in my life certainly has never made me unhappy and she brings me a lot of joy.

I think it you don't enjoy it, you're not doing it right.

I like your response Rocio. My boyfriend is very cut and dry, he reads these stupid articles on CNN where it has statistics of people with children being less happy than those without. But as some of you have mentioned, I think for the most part that is because some people had kids when they were too young or simply just not ready yet.

I really REALLY enjoy having my son in my life. If anything he has added more to my life than I could have ever imagined. My life is so full and rich with him in it. It is far better than any trip or dinner out or party or Broadway show I could ever imagine. All that is momentary gratification. The love shared between me and my son is forever.

Victoria, you sound like my (ex) boyfriend's mom! His decision left her heartbroken as well. He is an only child so he is her world.

My son is an only too. And he is my world too.

Both my kids always make me very happy. Sure, it's challenging at times and have our moments, but they don't make me unhappy. I especially love to spend one-on-one time with them.

I don't think there is a magic number of kids. It's what you feel comfortable having and what fits your lifestyle (money, culture etc...).

I have friends which do want kids and others don't. I don't think there is a wrong answer. The only wrong answer is hating kids and having 5.

I always say that kids are relationship amplifiers, but I suppose that applies to personal happiness as well.

If you are able to find happiness in your life regardless of the challenges you face, then children will amplify that by an astounding level.

If you are constantly seeing the 'bad' in things, negative, and always waiting miserably for things to get 'better', then children, especially young children, will present more challenges and obstacles to the happiness that eludes you.

I do know this. Don't have a child expecting him/her to 'complete' your life. Don't put that kind of pressure on an innocent baby, as it is inexperienced and will let you down with their cries, and endless needs. A child should be able to need his/her parents more than the parents need the child. Once they are in your heart, you will need them, don't misunderstand me, but you can't expect much, if anything from them in those early years. The odd smile of an infant, the laughter of a toddler, the kisses and the "Mommy, I love you" of a preschooler are so precious, because they are all our kids are ABLE to give in those early years. Your fulfullment has to come from knowing that YOU make them smile, that you make them feel safe, secure and loved. In short, it comes from loving your children more than being loved by them.

The joy a child can bring to your life can be immeasurable, if you will let them. But that joy has a price, that is nothing to those who know how to appreciate it, but can be overwhelming to anyone who is looking to be "fulfilled' by parenthood...I think the 'fulfillment' part comes a bit later ;D

I felt fulfilled from the moment I gave birth (before that I was scared to feel fulfilled because what if something went wrong). I remember a 20-something relative coming to visit when my child was 2 months old and he said "oh I can't wait for him to grow up -this is boring!" I could understand why someone else might find my baby boring but I sure didn't -quite the opposite.

I felt fulfilled from the moment I gave birth (before that I was scared to feel fulfilled because what if something went wrong). I remember a 20-something relative coming to visit when my child was 2 months old and he said "oh I can't wait for him to grow up -this is boring!" I could understand why someone else might find my baby boring but I sure didn't -quite the opposite.

Yeah, I would have invited them to come back in 18 years then (and not before). Uugh- what a thing to say to a new Mom.

I find babies pretty boring too, even my own. I love breastfeeding, bathing, etc. But babies sleep so much and can't hold a conversation. I prefer them when they start talking. My daughter us now 4 and we can have long, intelligent, meaningful conversations. But this is getting off topic.

I found so many things fascinating and still do -the way he has communicated and interacted with me since early on, the way he noticed his environment and how that changes, sometimes daily now, the way he interacted with others. I couldn't breastfeed and bathing was never my favorite because of slipping, water in the eyes, etc. In general while I love conversation and good conversationalist I often find non-verbal communication and tone/inflection much more interesting. But from the time I was pregnant I decided not to share what I found fascinating about all of this with anyone but my mother/sister, my husband and then, certain close friends but only once in awhile, letting them ask the questions/take the lead. I knew it must be boring to everyone else!

I found so many things fascinating and still do -the way he has communicated and interacted with me since early on, the way he noticed his environment and how that changes, sometimes daily now, the way he interacted with others. I couldn't breastfeed and bathing was never my favorite because of slipping, water in the eyes, etc. In general while I love conversation and good conversationalist I often find non-verbal communication and tone/inflection much more interesting. But from the time I was pregnant I decided not to share what I found fascinating about all of this with anyone but my mother/sister, my husband and then, certain close friends but only once in awhile, letting them ask the questions/take the lead. I knew it must be boring to everyone else!

I was always fascinated by watching them absorb the world around them. When they were newborns, the slightly jerky movements, and their vision wasn't fully functioning so they looked right through you... made me think of Disneyworld animatronic robots..then watching them learn to control their arm and head movements. I often wondered what it was like for them to see green for the first time, or smell something sweet, or hear...I mean, it was all brand new, every shape, every colour, every texture, every smell, almost every sound...brand new.

And I wondered what they dreamt about...

I found it fascinating too, just to watch them take it all in, you could almost see their busy little minds processing everything. No wonder they sleep a lot.

^^^^^I LOVE LOVE LOVE babies I could just gobble them up, I love everything about them.

Well, you guys have fully convinced me, but I'm not the one who really needed it! If only I could send this thread to the (ex) bf....

Well, you guys have fully convinced me, but I'm not the one who really needed it! If only I could send this thread to the (ex) bf....

 

Why? If he's thinking about his own personal happiness rating as the only factor in this decision, then he might not be the best father anyway. Even if he was able to convince himself that children are all rainbows and butterflies, he would likely be sorely disappointed to find out that parenting comes along with plenty of frustration and heartache.

 

Personally, I don't think there's much in life worth doing that doesn't come with challenges and sacrifices. Why pursue an education if it's just going to cause you stress? Why get in a relationship if it might end up in a broken heart? Why pursue your dreams if you know you'll sometimes fail? Why do anything at all? If you're just looking for instant gratification, you might as well go on welfare and drink beer all day.

Why? If he's thinking about his own personal happiness rating as the only factor in this decision, then he might not be the best father anyway. Even if he was able to convince himself that children are all rainbows and butterflies, he would likely be sorely disappointed to find out that parenting comes along with plenty of frustration and heartache.

I know. There are plenty of people that don't want kids and that is totally fine. We are all different. I am not trying to convince him otherwise. I just want him to be certain and I dont want him to make a decision just because he is scared of being a father like his father was to him. I would never have children with him if he was uncertain as it's not fair to him or the kid.

I wouldn't enter a relationship if the man didn't want kids. But at 27 and after 5 years together it's not easy to simply say goodbye and that be that. It is pretty common for people to change their minds and I know were are young enough for that to be possible.

99.99% of the time it's great. There are times when I just want to pull my hair out and scream lol.

Words can't describe the wonderful experience really. The fear is always there, as parents we are just simply protective and fear the worst.

And honestly if you want children, don't settle for someone that doesn't. Either idea is valid and to be respected but if you want one or eight, you want to be with someone who's on the same page and raise children together.

Often times in any relationship we try to validate our S/O's ideas, actions and even their negative side of personality but there are things you just can't ignore or simply "hope for the best". Long term I feel you'll be happier; not because you left someone who didn't want children but rather made the decision for yourself that having children is an important aspect of your life.

Article on CNN today: Does having kids make you happy? link removed

I wish they would discuss more about those who had kids when they were financially stable and ready for such a commitment as opposed to those having kids when they were younger and maybe not in the best position to have kids yet.

I had a child at 36. I was financially stable. I love him more than anything in the world. He makes my life completely worth living. Kids are expensive though. Daycare was $12,000 a year for 5 years. That is the biggest expense, if you have access to an alternative (relatives) kids don't start to get expensive until they are bigger. Its probably better to have them when you are younger and have more energy. I'm tired all the time!

My best friend wasn't able to have children and although she is happy enough, I know this is her biggest regret in life.