Wife is pregnant with another mans baby.... help me please

Ok, I will try to get this all out. We have been married for almost 20 years and throughout the marriage have had a history of infidelity from both of us... I do not know why we have even stayed together weather it be fear or maybe it is love?

Either way, 5 years ago I had an affair that lasted over a year. When my wife found out we went through a lot of hell and she eventually moved out as we separated. I slept with someone and she slept with someone during the separation. Mine was one time. She carried on a relationship with the guy even traveling with him and going to concerts and such. We decided to get back together because we have 4 children and were going to try and work on it. I found out she continued to talk to this guy pretty frequently so it was decided we would get a divorce when the lease was up on the house. Keep in mind that the divorce is the only thing we have talked about for the last 6 months.

About a month ago we found some friends and started to realize that it was nice being able to be together again but never talked about it. 2 days ago she told me she slept with that guy again about a month ago and that she is pregnant. She said she realizes she messed up severely and wants to work things out but will not have an abortion and I do not know what to do? I would love to stay with her and make things better because I think I do love her but I cannot raise that guys kid. I do not want him around the house and I do not want to have to see him but I will have to regardless if I stay. I also do not want to have to explain to my family and friends that the baby is not mine.

There has been no love or affection for over 2 years now and I have slept on the couch since we moved back in together. We have had sex with each other twice in the last two years. Now she is remorseful and wanting to work things out. She has been so nice to me for 2 days now and is acting like the wife I would love to have. It makes it so much easier to be the man she needs but will it all go bad again? Getting rid of the baby is not an option for her.

At this point any advice would be wonderful.

I see you have two choices here

1.You walk away, get a divorce

2. Go to counselling together, stop the infidelity on both of your parts and really make a go of things, baby included.

Neither of them are easy. And I know it would be hard. But she sounds set against the abortion. Does she know for sure its his???

Time to throw in the towel... Perhaps the other guy has told her he's not interested in living with her and taking responsibility for her and your 4 kids, so now she being nice to you so that you'll take care of her while she's pregnant and now take care of FIVE kids including one that isn't even yours. And perhaps she got pregnant with his kid on purpose hoping that would finally make him commit and agree to live with her, and he instead just blew her off and said no way was he living with her, and 5 kids, so now she's running back to you again because her plan with him didn't work.

Sometimes things get so messed up that the effort to straighten them up isn't worth it... this marriage has been a sham for a long time... I would suggest consulting an attorney to see whether you could get joint custody so that you don't have to pay a truckload of child support. If she is pregnant with someone else's baby, then you also want to make sure that is clear during the divorce since most judge's look askance as people having kids with someone else while married to you, and you don't want to be stuck paying the tab for someone else's kid.

I think your kids will be better off with two happy single parents than two married parents engaged in an orgy of infidelity and lack of respect as role models. And you really have no clue that she won't sleep with other people or this guy again and again with who knows how many kids as a result... so it's time to get a clean break and really find your moral center again rather than accepting this kind of repeated betraying/betrayal etc.

If she's intent on keeping the baby there really isn't much you can do about it. The child will be there and so will the father. You'd have to see them frequently and be willing accept her child into your life. Can you really do that? I know you've said you can't but I encourage you to look deep within your heart and really explore this decision. This is the key to whether your marriage even stands a chance of working out or whether it is simply best to cut your losses and go your separate ways.

Absolutely. I had a vasectomy when I had hernia surgery so thats one reason. The second is that we have not had sex in over 3 months and that was the second time in two years

i agree with lavenderdove. i think it's time for the divorce. and make sure, yes, to make it clear that this is not your child. it will require a DNA test when it is born. because as far as i know, since you were married when she got pregnant, you are the presumed father until proven otherwise.

I will say that I am thinking the divorce is the only option left but I really do not want to move out this close to Christmas and mess it up so bad for the kids. Is that a wrong way to think? Is staying until after the first of the year a good thing?

I also think that this marriage should be ended. It has been a sham marriage for far too many years and it seems to me that the real reason why neither of you ended up actually divorcing was because the process of the divorce and the complete change in lifestyle and what you were both used to was beyond the comfort level of either of you. So you both chose to live separate lives while maintaining the image of being married. Time to rock that boat and get out so you can both live your own lives separately, coming together only as required for the four children you share together. This new child is not your responsibility and she either needs to work it out with this other guy or raise that child as a single parent. I feel sorry for that child. Make sure you get a paternity test so that there is legal proof that child is not your own so any child support you would have to pay in the event of a divorce would be for the 4 children, not the fifth.

Both of you need a divorce. It's obvious she's thinking irrationally and having her continued affair because she still has a lot of resentment for your continued cheating and disrespect. Too much mayhem in this relationship.

I will say that I am thinking the divorce is the only option left but I really do not want to move out this close to Christmas and mess it up so bad for the kids. Is that a wrong way to think? Is staying until after the first of the year a good thing?

I think that is a reasonable choice. Just keep in mind no matter when you do it that it will be painful for the children. Make sure you have some support for yourself when you tell them because it's going to hurt. A lot. Have some friends or family you can go talk to and be with to help you with this.

I will say that I am thinking the divorce is the only option left but I really do not want to move out this close to Christmas and mess it up so bad for the kids. Is that a wrong way to think? Is staying until after the first of the year a good thing?

i'm sure that your children know something hasn't been right in the marriage for years. it might even be a relief to them if you guys were to split up.

So you both chose to live separate lives while maintaining the image of being married. Time to rock that boat and get out so you can both live your own lives separately, coming together only as required for the four children you share together.

This is probably the best way I ever heard it put and it is exactly what we have done. This is both of our faults and neither has had the courage to do anything about it. We did start down the road to counseling but she did not want to continue. She now says she knows that was wrong and would be willing to go all the way now for the sake of saving the marriage. I love to talk about the relationship but she does not and told me the other day that she wished we would have communicated more.

i'm sure that your children know something hasn't been right in the marriage for years. it might even be a relief to them if you guys were to split up.

Oh they know, I have slept on the couch for almost 9 months now.

I too wonder how genuine her claims of 'wanting to save the marriage' are. I suspect the other man doesn't have a desire to marry her or be with her to raise their baby together. so now she's looking back to you - a man who HAS reliably raised 4 children with her.

I too wonder how genuine her claims of 'wanting to save the marriage' are. I suspect the other man doesn't have a desire to marry her or be with her to raise their baby together. so now she's looking back to you - a man who HAS reliably raised 4 children with her.

I do not know what to believe on this subject. She has been carrying on a relationship with him and telling him she cares for him and he believes that and if she is telling the truth, he wants the baby. We both have had a bad history so I am not the best guy in the world either. I do want to say that every time I have caught her she has been telling the guys things that are not true i.e. saying she is single, saying she has a different job and things of that nature. She creates a different life for herself and then feels remorseful about it when she gets caught. I honestly think that this guy thinks she wants to be with him.

but what are the facts - you said she has not shown you real love, tenderness, communication in 2 years. (you had sex once 3 months ago). she had sex with this other man a month ago, is now pregnant.... but wants to make the marriage work with YOU? i hate to be so cynical, but i think you are the better provider for her child, which is why she wants to save the marriage.

the reality is - if this other man is the father, then he has a right to see his child, which means you will have to deal with him being in your lives for the next 18 years. really do you want that?

but what are the facts - you said she has not shown you real love, tenderness, communication in 2 years. (you had sex once 3 months ago). she had sex with this other man a month ago, is now pregnant.... but wants to make the marriage work with YOU? i hate to be so cynical, but i think you are the better provider for her child, which is why she wants to save the marriage.

 

the reality is - if this other man is the father, then he has a right to see his child, which means you will have to deal with him being in your lives for the next 18 years. really do you want that?

I absolutely do not and I have told her as such! Not to mention the fact that someone is going to have to explain it to that child someday and I dont want any part of that. The just of it is, I could have overlooked the affair but I cannot overlook that baby!

lawyer up, gym up, delete facebook.

lawyer up, gym up, delete facebook.

Lol... Delete Facebook? Why?

Lol... Delete Facebook? Why?

In divorce cases, lawyers can often use Facebook to dig up "dirt" on the offending party on behalf of their client. It happens a lot.

And yes, I suggest a divorce. I think it will be sad for the kids but also better for them in the end. Kids aren't dumb, they KNOW when something is wrong in a marriage. You try to keep things "picture perfect" but there is a lot of anger because you both keep doing other people behind the other's back....they SENSE that. In the end, you're doing your wife, yourself, and your kids a favor because you're ending this dysfunctional situation.

It's not really your problem that she got pregnant by this guy. She'll have to deal with it and he'll have to pay for it. I definitely think this is a sign for you to get out now.

I just want to say from personal experience, my mom got pregnant with another guy while her and my dad were separated. They decided to work things out and get together and my dad made a choice to make my sister his daughter. I honestly don't know if her real dad knows about her, but I am so glad my dad made that decision. He's never treated her differently (better or worse) and I only found this out on accident because I am way too nosy for my own good. I'm only a kid, so my advice may be a bit naive, but my dad had to deal with this, and I am very happy for his choice. Good Luck.

This has been building for a long time, so you don't have to do anything rash... i'd talk to a lawyer, and once you have that advice, you can decide what to do after the 1st of the year.

Since your wife has already moved out once before to continue her affair, it may not be as big a shock to the kids as you think when you make plans. But definitely don't move out without talking to a lawyer first.

I think you should divorce. There are children to think about and what they're witnessing right now (infidelity, parents who don't sleep in the same room, fighting) is really damaging. And even if you decided to stay and raise the baby with her, your resentment will show and that child will likely suffer the most. I also think that both you and the mother should lay off the dating others for a while and focus on these kids.

Given the history of your marriage, I think you guys should divorce and the both of you need to decide what it is you really want out of a partner. It sounds like you may have gotten married for the wrong reasons and that is perhaps the reason your relationship has been so scarred.

RUN!!!!!!! dude she is using you for the stability.

It is so apparent and transparent that she didnt even start being nice to you BEFORe she told you about the kid. It happened THE SAME DAY. I know in fl at least if you were to continue and stay and raise the child for a while and then got divorced, you would still be liable to support the kid. Get out while you can and find someone who can make you happy.

You sleep on couch and she sleeps on dude. How fair is that. SHE IS GOING TO STAY WITH YOU AND EAT YOUR FOOD AND DO HIM!!!!!

RUN@!!!!!!!!!!1