There is a lot of love and passion but I still feel like I should get a divorce.......

I love my husband very much and I know he loves me but we have so many obstacles that I thought I would have been able to handle and now I am not so sure.

He is 16 years older. He was married once before and he has a daughter. I have a geat relationship with his daughter who lives with her mom in another state. Here are our issues:

1) Financial - We both changed our lives and moved to another state to start a new life. I lived in a huge city and he hated the city so we found a place we would both enjoy. Unfortunately, despite his Phd., it has been two and a half years since he has had a full-time job. He does work part-time at two jobs. I have been supporting the both of us, paying his child-upport, and the thousands of dollars in Credit Card debt he wracked-up in his divorce three years before I met him. When we first moved he insisted on seeing his daughter twice a month, which he flew her here and paid for with his CCs. Thankfully that has become a more infrequent and we see her when she has school holidays, which is usually every other month.

His ex-wife uses the entire child-support towards her bills. She does not work full-time and he accepts that she is not capable of "doing too much". I get upset because he is very sympathetic to his ex-wife's hardships. He cares for me but I feel like he thinks I am stronger and more capable of dealing with life. This means that everytime his daughter comes we have to buy her things that she wants or needs. He also insists on making two-three trips a year to do work on the house, which he charges more stuff on his CCs. Now he is talking about replacing the roof this summer. I cannot handle this. We rent a townhouse and we want to have children but I cannot afford anything right now. I miss my independence.

I want to separate our finances but he thinks that would make him feel inadequate as a man and change our marriage fundamentally. I have no idea what he is talking about.

I also would like to go back to school for my Masters and he does not think it is a good time financially for me to go to school part-time and work full-time. His daughter will be starting college in 4 years and I am afraid. I do not see an end to this madness where I have to be in debt and sacrifice my needs and dreams for a child that is not mine. I would not mind if we were settled and we could afford it but we are not even close to being settled in our life together.

2) Different place in our lives? I am 27 and I still want to be wined and dined. I also like dancing. I told him this when we were dating and he wasopen to it. He does not like taking me out dancing to a club or parties. I was never a party animal but sometimes I just want to go out and feel young and sexy. I can understand him not wanting to go to a nightlub because they are not very classy. But, I asked if we could go ballroom dancing, or salsa, and he has no interest. I would be happy with this.

3) He use to be an alcoholic. He quit shortly after he separated from his ex-wife. He has started drinking again after the first 6 months of being unemployed. I cannot handle this. It is a weekly thing for me to see him drunk and I don't like it. I worry about his health and it makes me so sad to the point where I am depressed and disgusted.

4) Dogs. I like dogs but I do not love them. He is a doglover. We have a dog that sheds a lot and I keep getting frustrated with clean all the time. He does help to clean because he has more time than I do but I hate that I have to clean every minute I am home. My husband is also untidy. There is no reason he has to be so untidy. There are always newspapers and clothes laying around. I think I am going to go insane. I do like nice things and I like to be tidy. Everything does not have to be spotless but I get anxious when my environment is not tidy. I cannot have nice things with my husband and his dog. I end-up being very critical and hating myself for being so mean to the person (and dog) in my life.

Also, my step-daughter has a dog that my husband adores but I hate him. He sheds even more than my dog, he is not trained, and he is neurotic. They allow him on furniture which is not acceptible in my house. After 2 weeks this past summer, I never want that dog in my house ever again. This makes my husband very sad and once again I feel horrible for being so mean.

5) Families and Holidays. I feel like I never get to see my family. When we moved we also moved further away from our families. If I want to go see them I usually have to go without my husband because he is either working or spending time with his daughter. My step-daughter is always with us on holidays and long weekends, so we have to stay with his mother to give his daughter time with her grandmother. My parents are divorced and they both have huge families so I do not get to see everyone whenever I get to visit because it is always a timed visit. Also, his mother is very old and she lives alone, not to mention she is a bit of a martyr so we always have to be careful to spend just as much time with her then we do with my family where there are many more people.

6) I do not like the person I have become in this marriage. I feel like my life is not even my own and I don't even have kids! I want a simpler life.

Reasons I want to stay:

My husband has all the qualities I want in a man. He is loving, kind, very considerate, and sweet. He would be a good provider if he had a job. He loves me unconditionally and there is so much passion between us. I just wish we did not have all these complications.

Is our love enough to keep us strong, or am I going to become a resentful * * * * * ?

When we first moved he insisted on seeing his daughter twice a month, which he flew her here and paid for with his CCs. Thankfully that has become a more infrequent and we see her when she has school holidays, which is usually every other month.

I think if his daughter is being separated from her father because of this then yes, you should get a divorce so he can spend as much time as he can with her.

He does work part-time at two jobs. I have been supporting the both of us,

If he has 2 jobs, how are you supporting both of you?

The bit about you being glad that he is seeing less of his daughter because it costs you less money is just...I don't even know what to say. It's awful.

He only started working part-time at two jobs for the past two months. He did not work very much at all for the first year. The second year he realized he needed to work more but only worked 3 days a week and took days off when he did not feel like going to work, or drank too much the night before. He has been trying much harder for the past 6 months.

I am sorry that bit about me not wanting more debt upsets you. I guess with almost 30K in CC debt what's a few more thousands of dollars a year on plane tickets and necessities?! I guess I should be okay with paying almost one thousand in child support each month and putting a new roof on their house when we can barely survive!

He should be paying for child support, not you. Especially now that he has a job.

you're obvisously not happy in this relationship. Your last reason was enough for me to tell you to move on. You are just 27. One day you'll regret how you didn't enjoy your youth and worried about someone else's kid instead. I mean, apparently the love that he gives you is not enough for you to not come here and vent about it. So I think ending it would be the best idea!

The bit about you being glad that he is seeing less of his daughter because it costs you less money is just...I don't even know what to say. It's awful.

No it's not and I see where the OP is coming from with it. It's not her kid and she's not stopped him but I do think she's allowed to look at the situation and be unhappy.

No it's not and I see where the OP is coming from with it. It's not her kid and she's not stopped him but I do think she's allowed to look at the situation and be unhappy

Me too! I totally sympathise. Why should you get more and more in debt when its HIS ex-wife`s roof. Could you not have a joint account for the running of your own household but let him be responsible for his own cc`s? I love dogs too (I have 6 dachshunds and a german shepherd) but my husband isnt keen on them having the run of our home so they are restricted to their own room (where they sleep) and my tv room in the evening for cuddles. Why should you have to put up with the daughters dog? Why cant she leave it at her own house?

Then there is the drunkeness, I hate my husband getting drunk too (he use to have a real problem with it but is pretty good now) and have sat down calmly and told him how it makes me feel so he only gets drunk now when we`ve had a row and he is p***d off with me. It seems to me he wants and is having, everything his own way and there needs to be more balance and compromise.

I don't think you really considered what you were getting yourself into when you married this man. He already had a child from his previous marriage. That's a fact and it will not change. This marriage was a package deal and it included his daughter. It also included all of his traits good and bad which you may not have looked closely enough at.

Now that you've seen it, the question I have for you is are you willing to try to work on this marriage? There is no right or wrong answer. If you really feel the answer is no because you've had it then file for divorce. If the answer is yes, then you both need to get into counseling and seriously address the issues that are destroying your relationship. And your husband needs to get into AA or some other treatment for his alcohol addiction.

Child support is based on your husbands income, if his income has changed he should petition the court for an adjustment ( at least you can can do that where I live ) HE is responsible for child support not you !!! and he certainly isn't responsible to fix his ex's roof ...thats just insane !!!!

Wow, seriously, wow!

That is a lot of odd problems for a 27 year old! I see you have been patient and understanding enough, you gave it a good try.. now the question is - what do you need to do in order to be happy again?

You cannot put your happiness aside at 27!!! This is your youth, your chance to build the life you want. The one and only! Right now it looks like you are trapped in someone elses life?!

Please do not listen to this: "The bit about you being glad that he is seeing less of his daughter because it costs you less money is just...I don't even know what to say. It's awful."

You are not responsible for HIS past! Yes, he has a daughter and responsabilities. And he needs to take care of them. But he also made a new nest with you. And why are your happiness and your wishes anyhow less important than the past family ones? You did not marry him just to share his burden and make him feel better, help him pay the bils, take care of the house etc. You need to wake him up! You married him cos most likely you loved him and you thought you can build a wonderful life with him! Now it looks like that dream has put on hold until.. mmm... daughter finishes university? Why should you suffer - and 30 000 of debt is already SUFFERING big times?! Especially when you dream of going back to school, having children etc.. you know those TOTALLY normal DREAMS of a 27 year old.