Mother of ex-almostGF added me on FB

Super-recap: a girl who used to like me a lot as teenagers and I met again online after we hadn't seen each other for 4 years, and we started flirting a lot online and via webcam etc. However, there were serious communication problems, mainly due to doubts arising from reading her Facebook profile and messages and my inability to openly ask her what those meant. I simulated trust and confidence but was very weak and doubtful inside. I think this lack of confidence showed a lot the day she came to visit me (after 4/5 months that we were doing intense conversations) and - I don't know the exact reasons - we made out, dry-humped, but I don't know whether I was too indecisive about going further or she didn't want to go further, but we didn't have complete sex.

What hurt me most is that the day after she visited me she scolded me, saying some of the worst things ever (and that was very surprising since in those years she had NEVER spoken to me that way, she changed from super-sweet/romantic to totally indifferent), but I later realized that I was in part responsible for those. (I still don't know what exactly caused the separation, but one of the last things she told me was "You don't know what you want, you don't even know what you want to eat, damnit!")

In any case, I was scared to talk to her after that, didn't know what to tell her, and she never messaged me either. So I took it as a "No contact". I was very confused in the first 1-2 months, especially since she didn't even reply to my christmas and new years greetings.

I have been pondering what to tell her, how to at least start again a friendship with her, but I told myself that it would be better to first dedicate a few months to myself, my personal growth, other relationships, friends etc. so that I would be "myself" again the next time I speak to her.

Soon after I took that decision, her mother added me on Facebook (I am pretty sure it's the mother, I have expert technical evidence for that) and wrote positive smileys under messages I had written to her daughter months ago, and also writing under my profile picture "You're so beautiful!!!!!".

At the same time, the daughter has been changing her FB status quite often, with motivational quotes like "Even in hard times, I'll be strong and I'll fight" etc. with some romantic and emotional tones. I have no idea whether any of this is related to me, but for now I would like to ask you what you think about the mother. What is she doing? Is she trying to make peace between us?

How does she even know about me??

(I used to see her but never spoke to her when we were at school. I only vividly remember when once the mother came to take the girl home and the girl was turning back to wave and smile at me all the time, while the mother was pulling her home)

Should I write to her?

Write to the mother...no. Write to the daughter...yes. In other words, instead of living with all these question marks in your head, why not just contact the one you are interested in and try to work things out.

Because I feel that by being direct I will face resistance and even more lies, excuses, false stories... and thus even more questions in my head...

The way she changed from the day she visited me was so shocking... some of the things she said didn't make sense, were totally inconsistent with things she used to say before, pointed out that she was somehow waiting for some signs so that she could finally trap me.

Yes, that's what I fear. That I'll hear lies, and that what I am currently hypothesizing in my head might be closer to reality than what she would ever confess to me.

What I fear is that I will be deceived once again. I'm fed up with being deceived and believing in a fake reality.

Well, I would not recommend contacting her mother. If you don't want to contact her directly because you think the reaction will be negative then leave well enough alone and just move on.

OK,... but my question was... what do you think the mother wants? Why is she involved in the whole story?

I don't really have an answer to that..I have no idea.

Mmm so this is something unique, never happened before?

Awkward?

first, you're not even really sure it's her mother. Could be, could be someone else.

second, why are you worrying about the mother? if you want to do something with the daugther, then call up the daughter and start talking to her.

the rest is all speculation... you're not having a real relationship with her at this point, just trying to guesstimate what is going on. Pick up the phone call her, see if she is still interested. if she is, good, if not, don't waste any more thought on this.

I'm 80-90% sure it's the mother, based on technical evidence (IP trace, specific geographic location, etc.) and the way she speaks with other people on her profile.

I am worried about the mother... why not?!

God... I get so irritated when I ask a question and all I get is more questions...

Yes..I can see you were BusyNdizzy playing Sherlock Holmes! Why are you worried about the mother? If you don't have the daughter on board with you then the mother is irrelevant.

I don't think so. In some way or another, the mother knows about me. And she must know me through the daughter. The possibilities are...

a) the daughter spoke to her about me negatively, or told the mother that she can use me (perhaps she wants the mother to "finish the job", in case the daughter wanted me only for sex...)

b) the daughter is also confused like me but is scared to talk to me, and thus asked external intervention to help us get back to talk together

c) the mother heard about what happened but, independently of the daughter, wants me to get friendly again...

etc.

etc.

one of these possibilities has to be true.. and I need details to fit in together the whole puzzle...

it makes no sense asking the daughter and getting wrong answers... or more questions...

Too much speculation. Go straight to the source...the daughter.

But why waste time speculating at all? that doesn't get you anywhere.

Email or call the girl and say, hi, remember me? how are you doing?

If she's interested in more contact she will respond, if not, then you know the answer.

But why waste time speculating at all? that doesn't get you anywhere.

 

Email or call the girl and say, hi, remember me? how are you doing?

 

If she's interested in more contact she will respond, if not, then you know the answer.

I agree with this. This is the absolute simplest, most straightforward way to get answers to your questions. Speculating about it is doing nothing but causing your brain to go in circles -- not worth the energy, for sure.

If she doesn't respond, or if she responds in a negative way (i.e. "Stop contacting me!") then you'll know where you stand for sure.

I don't think so. In some way or another, the mother knows about me. And she must know me through the daughter. The possibilities are...

a) the daughter spoke to her about me negatively, or told the mother that she can use me (perhaps she wants the mother to "finish the job", in case the daughter wanted me only for sex...)

b) the daughter is also confused like me but is scared to talk to me, and thus asked external intervention to help us get back to talk together

c) the mother heard about what happened but, independently of the daughter, wants me to get friendly again...

etc.

etc.

one of these possibilities has to be true.. and I need details to fit in together the whole puzzle...

 

it makes no sense asking the daughter and getting wrong answers... or more questions...

But the daughter is the one you had the "relationship" with, right? So, it does make sense that you'd ask her, rather than asking some woman who may not actually be her mother. That is, if you really want to know where you stand with the daughter, which is what I'm assuming your main point of this thread is.

I'm not really sure why you're "worried" about the mother, as you said in a previous post. What is there to worry about? It's just Facebook -- she's not calling you constantly or showing up at your house or job or anything; I just don't see what there is to worry about.

(It's me, I'm abroad now and made a new account because for some reason I don't know I cannot access my inbox from this country and also because I used the other account with cookies which I don't have here)

You didn't get the point. I am worried about something else. It doesn't matter whether the daughter is interested in me now or not.

I want to find out what exactly happened, during those months, and the day she came to visit me. Whether she was really interested in me as a person or just for sex, whether she was in love with me and then changed her heart because of external factors, which were those external factors, or whether there was something I did wrong, and

Why do I want to know all this? Because I want to understand the world. I want to understand what goes on in the mind of those people, especially a girl whom I liked for so long time and suddenly disappeared from my life.

Whether I move on or get a second chance with her, I want to learn how to become a better person, to improve, to avoid (with her or anyone else) repeating the mistakes. But how can I do that if I don't know what exactly were my mistakes?

What exactly was in my responsibility, and what was hers?

Was it something her friends told her that made her change her mind? Was it the older guy? Or was it me?

What was her true relationship to the older guy before she met me and after she met me?

What was going on all the time???

From what I feel it might be impossible to get her to tell all of her inner reasoning... but I can probably have a better idea by listening to what the people closest to her tell (mother, best friends, etc.).

I mean, the daughter told me "You don't even know what to eat, etc." and referred to my disorientation at the station, as reasons for "breaking up" with me. Knowing her, I refuse to believe that those were the true reasons.

I think most women would be seriously angry if you called their mother and started asking questions about the relationship. It has nothing to do with the mother, it is between you and her.

And most mothers are not going to betray their own daughters by talking about the daugther's private business with an ex.

If you want answers to those questions, you are best going to the source, the girl herself. I think it will blow up in your face if you start asking her mother personal questions.

Also, you have to be careful here because this is sounding rather stalkerish.

you're going behind the girl's back looking for people she knows to try to find out personal information about her, including what she did with other guys.

either call her and see if she wants a relationship, or let this go and quit stalking her behind her back.

I don't want a relationship with her. Not now. Not until I understood my mistakes and understood what really happened, step after step. I want to know the facts.

Understanding what she did with other guys is also part of this since I need to

a) assess how her relationship with other guys affected mine

b) distinguish between what I did wrong and what other guys did right, you get the point

Whatever is between me and her is also influenced by the environment and the people surrounding me and her.

I'm searching for knowledge, for truth. Not for blind relationships, or a screen of lies so that I don't feel hurt or something like that.

I want the plain truth. Even if it is something like, "I was testing three different guys at the same time, and none of them knew of each other. You failed the test because you're disabled and apparently you can't even handle basic things a normal man would do. To my eyes you're a looser, not a man."

If she won't tell, I must find it out some other way...

You are giving her far too much power over you...

Her choices are her own and very personal, and you may have done nothing wrong at all and she just preferred someone else or no one else at all.

The old saying goes, one person's trash is another person's treasure. Whatever this girl may not have liked in you, some other woman may love in you.

Just let it go and move on. Be yourself and find someone who likes you and wants to be with you rather than trying to dissect the past.

Of course, her decisions may be personal, but they don't come out of nowhere. They are based on which choices are available, who makes them available, and how she prioritizes them.

Whatever made her decide against me, it IS based on something I did. Or didn't do. And how this related with what other people did. I want to know what these things are.

One persons' trash may be another persons' treasure, but I believe that human beings are dynamic and can change. Willingly (as a choice) or unconsciously. Especially I am a very dynamic person. I am pretty sure that I wasn't even myself the day she came, so if there was something she didn't like about me on that day, it wasn't even "me" anyway. But I need to be sure.

I also don't believe that I should "stay the way I am" just because someone else can like me for those traits. That goes against my principles of self-improvement.

It's a bit hard to explain here, but I have deep-rooted beliefs in dynamicism.

I am no fixed person. I change like a chameleon.

I think I might do the same thing again in future, with someone else... and I don't want to repeat the mistake again - just for safety.

If your previous post was only an attempt to discourage me from "stalking".

Politicians change like chameleons...that is not an admirable trait to have because it basically shows a person can be bought. You are putting way too much thought in this and are indeed getting quite obsessive and stalkerish. I think it is time for you to live your own life and forget about her and her opinion of you.

[sorry, lost control]

If you don't want other people's opinions, don't ask for them. Plain and simple. Not everyone is going to agree with you and if you can't handle that...then do what you want and don't ask for advice. It's not anyone else's job to validate your feelings.

No one here is going to tell you it's a good idea to talk to her mom and ask what happened, because most people would not appreciate someone doing that to them. If you want to know, ask her. If you don't think she'll give you the true answer (or more accurately, the answer you're looking for), then just let it go. It's good to want to change yourself for the better, but just because this girl maybe didn't like something about you isn't good enough reason to change it, unless it's something that you yourself are unhappy with. Your opinion of yourself should be more important than anyone else's.

Sorry, I lost control because I am spending a lot of money to be on the internet from abroad, I try looking for a good solutions since over THREE MONTHS... and I am still nowhere closer to the truth.

What I feel is that I ask for something and people give me an opinion on something else, which is not directly relevant to my question.

Crazyaboutdogs, what I meant with chameleon is not in a realpolitical sense, but in the sense of "water", flexibility. You know... when I like someone and I know you can realize this persons' dream, e.g. be this persons "man of her dreams", or correspond to her desires... I want to be that person.

This is not about trying to care about her opinion. This is my decision. Myself IS a chameleon. I have been like this since I was a baby. And I am proud of it. It's my personality, my innermost essence, that's who i want to be. I want to be the man of the dreams of the girl I like at a specific moment. Full stop. That's point number one.

Point number two: as I already said, REPEATEDLY, that I wasn't even myself in the last few months I used to speak with her and especially on the day she met me. She had the wrong impression of me anyway. I was tired and nervous. I had no control over myself (like in my last post) and sometimes said totally strange things.

So please, please answer my question instead of trying to tell me who I really am or whose opinion is most important. Of course my opinion is most important, but I MYSELF decide that I try to be the best possible man of her dreams of the girl I like, at any time.