Mother of ex-almostGF added me on FB

[BusyNAbroad]

There is a world of difference between not putting much stock in a particular person's opinion of yourself and going out and trashing their reputation which is an act of vindictiveness. Being vindictive and ruthless is not something people with integrity do.

 

The two things are related as I tried to clarify earlier. I "trash her reputation" in a strategic attempt to evince the truth since I cannot get it in any other way.

 

But regardless of my motivation, could you please elaborate on the bold part, i.e. explain what would be wrong in doing something like that (whether it's of vindictive motivation or not)?

[BusyNAbroad]

she played you' date=' move on.[/quote']

 

Until I understand why, I play back.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Given your responses to people's posts either you can't grasp the concept of right from wrong...or you are just baiting people for argument's sake. Whatever the case may be it is clearly pointless to further explain and clarify. Some of your other threads are actually quite thought provoking and insightful...this one seems to have degenerated into obtuseness.

[BusyNAbroad]

The other threads are based on thoughts that were provoked here

 

They are all related to this. But I really don't see any other way to solve this specific problem than by confronting this girl in some way or another. I cannot get over this otherwise.

 

I've changed my mindset a lot in the past weeks. I've got to learn many new people and enjoy life, am traveling... but this is constantly in my subconscious: What did she really want? What did I do wrong? What did she do wrong? What was really going on?

It does matter. If it didn't matter, I wouldn't be thinking about it in the most unrelated situations of my life.

 

I must confront her about this. Publicly or not. I must make her confess, that's what my innermost voice is saying! I don't know why. Or maybe yes: I simply want to witness that - if she was wrong - she acknowledges it and understands what she did to me (and/or to herself and or to everyone else), or, if not, that I undestand what I did wrong.

 

...

 

In reference to your previous post, yes, I don't know what is right or what is wrong in this specific situation! I feel that after everything that happened with her, I need to do something that will dramatically change something, and it has to come out of some form of a dramatic interaction between me and her.

 

...

 

EDIT: another way I can describe my feeling is like when you work really hard on a project and dedicate your life and soul to it... and then, due to some sudden external factor, you leave it unfinished, someone steals it, or destroys it... but it's there. Waiting to be either completely thrown away or at least looked at for a last time.

 

Yet another way (not to be taken literally) I could describe my relationship with her is like a rotting carcass alongside the road. It starts to degenerate and stink, but it's not yet buried. I need to "bury" it definitely, in some way or another - by completely cutting off everything with her by doing the public thing or by completely getting over with MY self-doubts and talking to her.

 

EDIT2: in either case, I don't think I'm able to move on without having the "last word" with her - and a quite powerful one.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Getting over your self doubts and talking to her would be the emotionally healthy option. Publicly humiliating her in order to have the last word would be the unconscionable thing to do...something you would see a character like JR Ewing from Dallas do....just plain evil. You can choose to be evil and destroy someone's reputation....there are lots of people in this world who think nothing of behaving in that manner...if that is who you choose to be then she is better off without you.

[BusyNAbroad]

I sometimes don't follow the consistency/integrity of what you say: Sometimes you say she is not even worth thinking about, and you end up saying she is better off without me!?

 

I really perceive that there is a really fine line between what most people here really think about HER (as a person) and what is perceived about our relationship.

 

Since I have no idea whose wellbeing the people here are trying to address (the OP or the girl, or both, or the OP without the girl), I sometimes feel that the suggestions are biased towards simply "keeping things calm and peaceful"... and no attempt to seek fairness.

[laisla]

Until I understand why, I play back.

 

sorry, but you can't. once you've already been played you're just asking for more of it if you try to "do the same". you CAN'T do the same. you're not in the same mentality that she was. it would just be revenge and not playing.

 

i'm sorry your pride was hurt. but you can just let it go. that would probably be a better way to get her to contact you sensibly than to do these games.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I sometimes don't follow the consistency/integrity of what you say: Sometimes you say she is not even worth thinking about, and you end up saying she is better off without me!?

 

I really perceive that there is a really fine line between what most people here really think about HER (as a person) and what is perceived about our relationship.

 

Since I have no idea whose wellbeing the people here are trying to address (the OP or the girl, or both, or the OP without the girl), I sometimes feel that the suggestions are biased towards simply "keeping things calm and peaceful"... and no attempt to seek fairness.

 

 

Sometimes life just isn't fair and you have to let it go and move on. If I took vengeance on all the people who were unfair to me I would have spent more time plotting and scheming than actually getting on with my life and enjoying it.

[BusyNAbroad]

Life isn't fair, but we can make it so

 

Also, I must admit that I do enjoy plotting extremely careful strategies as well That's the little evil side of me, but that's also fun. Fun = happiness and enjoying life. Morally speaking though I am asking, seriously now, why should I feel any guilt in doing so, especially if I am trying to compensate something unfair that happened to me?

 

In any case, I think this is a one-shot thing. Once I discover the truth I'll just say goodbye and carry on with business as usual.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Life isn't fair, but we can make it so

 

Also, I must admit that I do enjoy plotting extremely careful strategies as well That's the little evil side of me, but that's also fun. Fun = happiness and enjoying life. Morally speaking though I am asking, seriously now, why should I feel any guilt in doing so, especially if I am trying to compensate something unfair that happened to me?

 

In any case, I think this is a one-shot thing. Once I discover the truth I'll just say goodbye and carry on with business as usual.

 

You mean after you trashed her reputation you will just wash your hands of it all and pat yourself on the back for a job well done?

[BusyNAbroad]

No... once I discover what I did wrong to and how I could improve myself, I will learn from those mistakes and move on without pestering her or anyone else anymore.

 

I also don't like the expression "trashing her reputation". I am simply bringing to light who she really is. To me, herself and to the world.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

No... once I discover what I did wrong to and how I could improve myself, I will learn from those mistakes and move on without pestering her or anyone else anymore.

 

I also don't like the expression "trashing her reputation". I am simply bringing to light who she really is. To me, herself and to the world.

 

 

Who are you to dole out "justice".

[BusyNAbroad]

It is not "justice", it is... a need for empathy and fairness, a feeling of... putting things back into order again... of reconciling with oneself and being safe to smile at the world knowing that there is some thing behind all those veils of misunderstanding and confusion out there.

 

The feeling you get when your parents end a long argument and are happy again, or your friends finally understand something they misunderstood,... I don't know how to call it. Evenness, fairness, "reality", "truth", resolution of the mystery... happy ending of a detective story?

 

Don't know. I previously said I am confused about what's "right" and "wrong" in this specific story,... I feel that the right thing to do is to bring in some CLARITY into the whole issue. That's the only way to solve it, especially in the face of resistance.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you can bring in clarity without destroying someone that's fine...but bringing in clarity by destroying the other person is not right.

[BusyNAbroad]

What are, in your opinion, the possible consequences of "destroying" her?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

For you..the only consequences would be having to live with yourself afterwards...but clearly that doesn't seem like it will be a problem for you so for you there would be no consequences. For her, well, depending on what you do she can have to deal with a lot of aggravation and stress and who knows what other dire consequences. But hey, if your life is about watching other people squirm and be stressed then you are a man on a mission and the voice of reason and good conscience won't sway you from your mission.

[BusyNAbroad]

You say stress and aggravation. Well, I also had my piece of the cake. From an external point of view, don't you think that the two parties would be "balanced" if she also gets stress and aggravation (instead of continuously enjoying and having the upper hand by cheating different men simultaneously, including me)?

 

(I'm talking about two completely different things here btw; clarity on the one hand, fairness on the other)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Karma will come back and bite her on the butt eventually. You can simply withdraw yourself from the situation and never have anything more to do with her again.

[browneyedgirl36]

Life isn't fair, but we can make it so

 

Also, I must admit that I do enjoy plotting extremely careful strategies as well That's the little evil side of me, but that's also fun. Fun = happiness and enjoying life. Morally speaking though I am asking, seriously now, why should I feel any guilt in doing so, especially if I am trying to compensate something unfair that happened to me?

 

In any case, I think this is a one-shot thing. Once I discover the truth I'll just say goodbye and carry on with business as usual.

 

Why can't you just let it go now? As another poster said, life is NOT always fair, and contrary to what you may believe, we CAN'T necessarily make it fair. Regardless of what we might believe, we are not entitled to answers from other people; we are not entitled to detailed, truthful explanations of their actions.

 

There are going to be many times in your life when someone is going to do something and you're going to wonder why and you're not going to ever find out, whether it's because they refuse to tell you, they choose to make up a story instead of telling you the real reasons, they die or disappear from your life without ever telling you, or they don't even know themselves why they did it...the list goes on. You can't MAKE anyone tell you anything. You can't MAKE anyone do anything, and quite frankly, I suspect that trashing this girl's reputation on the Internet will have quite the opposite effect that you're going for, particularly if she figures out somehow that it's you that did it. The fact that you don't understand why carrying out your plan is wrong is unfathomable to me -- I am completely unable to see where you're coming from, and I can't imagine doing something like what you're planning to do. I am not defending her; I have NO idea what kind of person she is, and you may have every right to be upset with her and question her actions, but revenge, while temporarily satisfying, is usually NOT satisfying long-term. And, often, it can backfire on you in a multitude of ways.

 

You're going to do this anyway, regardless of what anyone says; you've already rationalized it and justifed it to yourself, and you've already decided that you have nothing to feel guilty about, so I wish you good luck.

[BusyNAbroad]

You're going to do this anyway, regardless of what anyone says; you've already rationalized it and justifed it to yourself, and you've already decided that you have nothing to feel guilty about, so I wish you good luck.

 

First of all, I really hate this attitude. You are putting words into my mouth that I have never decided. Please note that I am still asking questions. When I ask a question, I mean that I ask it; they aren't rethorical questions.

When I ask, "What is wrong in doing so and so?", I mean that I want to know what is actually wrong. Not whether it's wrong, but what makes it so and why it is so. I try to thoroughly understand the different interpretations of "right", but when you answer this way it seems as if you have no real reason to think it is wrong other than blindly following a socially accepted behavioral norm.

 

Last night I reviewed out of curiosity some issues I had briefly studied in law classes: public humiliation is still an accepted form of behavior in certain places and cultures of the world. It has used to be accepted in the Western world as well, often deemed as a good way to avoid people from engaging in crimes of passion, and to deter others from repeating what the humiliated people did.

I grew up in the West, but my family originated from a culture which wouldn't have hesitated in publicizing this story and openly laughing at the people involved. I have more Western culture in my "blood" but I always try to thoroughly understand what is right and WHY it is right. I don't take any social norm for granted!

 

What I am asking right now is, why - here (the West, or this forum) and in the present times - public humiliation is not "right" anymore?

 

What is the rationale behind not publicly humiliating cuckolders?

 

And, often, it can backfire on you in a multitude of ways.

How, for example?

 

contrary to what you may believe, we CAN'T necessarily make it fair.

What do you mean by "I can't". I am not able, or I shouldn't make it fair? In either case, WHY?

 

Regardless of what we might believe, we are not entitled to answers from other people; we are not entitled to detailed, truthful explanations of their actions.

Again, why not?

 

You can't MAKE anyone tell you anything. You can't MAKE anyone do anything,

I repeat the same questions as above: are you talking about my ability or something you consider wrong? If it's about ability, well, I have made people confess to me in the past... or I have extracted information through third sources... that's how I discovered most of what I kew about what she was doing while she pretended to be in love with me, while she kissed me, while she tried to have sex with me, etc.

[BusyNAbroad]

Karma will come back and bite her on the butt eventually.

Well, we have a difference in beliefs then. I believe that she may happily live on forever continuing to do what she has been doing all this time, without anything being able to stop her. All other guys might suffer and think the same way, "ah, one day she'll get what she deserved, I'll keep my chin up and pull out, blah blah"... and nothing happens to her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

public humiliation is still an accepted form of behavior in certain places and cultures of the world. It has used to be accepted in the Western world as well, often deemed as a good way to avoid people from engaging in crimes of passion, and to deter others from repeating what the humiliated people did.

 

Well, some cultures still believe in stoning a woman who has supposedly committee adultery (a few years ago there was an incident that was all over the news).

 

Public humiliation is still somewhat part of Western culture....celebrities, Prince Charles etc. Despite being publicly humiliated, Britney Spears is back on track, Prince Charles married the woman he had cheated with for years and is more popular now, Martha Stewart is still laughing all the way to the bank, Tom Cruise still made millions for his movie Valkyrie, Bill Clinton makes a major fortune on speaking engagements etc. So in the end, people forget and life goes on. The problem is that there is still emotional damage to the person who was publicly humiliated. A recent episode of Degrassi the Next Generation has one of the characters exact revenge on a classmate by publicly humiliating her on the internet. Now this classmate may be the class b**ch but she certainly did not deserve the public shaming and how it spiralled out of control.

[BusyNAbroad]

Who are you to dole out what a person deserves?

[BusyNAbroad]

***UPDATES***

 

I didn't notice this earlier, but... on the day I accepted the mothers Facebook friend request and she wrote to me on Facebook, the girl had written on her status updates "...hello again, Damn Monster...".

 

Today, for the first time in 4 months, I logged on MSN while she was also online (thus making it the first time she 'saw' me again). Nothing happened.

But immediately after I logged off, the girl wrote on her status update,

"Me vs the Damn Monster. And guess who wins?? Me!"

 

I wonder whom she is referring to. Either me or the mother.

But it kind of makes me worry... I really don't understand what goes on in her mind.

 

P.S.: and by the way, following the advice of several people here, I also started putting photos of me with other girls on Facebook.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

***UPDATES***

 

I didn't notice this earlier, but... on the day I accepted the mothers Facebook friend request and she wrote to me on Facebook, the girl had written on her status updates "...hello again, Damn Monster...".

 

Today, for the first time in 4 months, I logged on MSN while she was also online (thus making it the first time she 'saw' me again). Nothing happened.

But immediately after I logged off, the girl wrote on her status update,

"Me vs the Damn Monster. And guess who wins?? Me!"

 

I wonder whom she is referring to. Either me or the mother.

But it kind of makes me worry... I really don't understand what goes on in her mind.

 

P.S.: and by the way, following the advice of several people here, I also started putting photos of me with other girls on Facebook.

 

Hmm...maybe she is the monster She sounds rather off the wall. I really think you can do better than her.